No Star in the Sky

recharge my soul

2011-10-28T14:59:00.000-04:00

The other weekend (10/14-10/17) I had the privilege of attending the American Widow Project Fall getaway in Kennebunk, Maine. There are no words that could do justice to the experience I had over the weekend. I have gone to two other AWP events and each of them are different in their own special way. The first one I was only 3 months out. I didn't know my ass from my elbow and I can hardly recall anything from that time period but I know that meeting those other widows in those first few months probably saved my life. The second trip to Tybee Island was a couple of months shy of Michael's one year anniversary. I was just starting to feel comfortable with allowing myself to have a good time so it was a little scary for me but it just reassured me that it was ok to laugh and smile and to let my hair down once in a while.

That weekend seemed like it was on a whole other level. There were so many emotions that I experienced this weekend. With the anticipation of Michael's 2 year anniversary I have been feeling a little more crazy than usual. However, this trip showed me that what I am experiencing is so common and that I am just as "crazy" as any other widow. I almost felt like this trip was an oxymoron. Most people would expect us to be so sad and crying the majority of the time. However if I recall correctly, the majority of the time was spent laughing, sharing stories of our husbands, and really embracing life altogether. I'm not saying that there were no tears, because there were, but whoever was crying was quickly comforted by another widow who knew exactly what they felt and have even cried those same tears before.

Each and every AWP event that I have attended is an opportunity to step outside my comfort zone. This time I really pushed the envelope. We got to go surfing! Now I have never been surfing and I really don't even know how to swim (except for doggy pattling) and I don't even really like going into the ocean. But I knew if I didn't take that step outside of my comfort zone I would regret it. And the point to living this short life is to live in absence of regret. Even though I swallowed enough sea water to support an ecosystem in my stomach, I do not regret it one bit.

Also, during this trip, the AWP had the amazing honor and privilege to meet President George H. W. Bush and Mrs. Bush. It was a total surprise to us all and the majority of us were floored that we got to meet one of our nation's leaders. It was definitely a surreal moment.

My reaction when I found out we were visiting the Bush's.

I was in shock!

We all got to take pictures with the President and first lady. As the visit went on we were carrying conversations with the couple like we were old friends. I talked with Mrs. Bush about owning dogs and how Michael and I rescued Koby. There was also a time were each of us got to tell the president a little about our husband's and how they served and died for our country. After telling him about Michael I had a moment and thank goodness for sunglasses because I got emotional over the fact that one of our presidents knows about Michael. He knows his name, he knows how long he served in the Marine Corps, he knows that he served two years in Iraq, and he knows how he died. I still get choked up about it today because that's a huge honor and concept to wrap my head around. I know Michael would be so very proud.

Barbara wearing an AWP pin that I put on her jacket!

Having a conversation with the first lady!!

That weekend also had a twist that I have never experienced at another event before. The house that we stayed in was donated to the AWP for the weekend by an amazing woman named Sue. Sue found out about the AWP through the People Magazine article and contacted Taryn looking to help out in any way. Sue was able to have the entire weekend, everything that we did that weekend donated to us. She asked the entire town to donate their services to us. When I say everything, I mean everything. A lobster bake for us to enjoy the first night, all kinds of foods, drinks and snacks for the entire weekend, the surfing lessons with our own private surfing instructor, transportation for the entire weekend, bicycles for us to use, breakfast at an amazing little place called HB Provisions, appetizers at drinks at the Kennebunk Port Inn, an amazingly delicious dinner at an Italian restaurant, an amazing dinner that was made for us by a professional chef at a very generous woman's house, a couple of gift bags full of merchandise from the local shops and I am sure I am missing a lot, but it was overwhelming how much Sue and the town of Kennebunk went out of their way for us. It was extremely humbling and I can pretty much speak for everyone there that we were all knocked off our feet.

group picture outside of HB Provisions with fake President Bush

The incredible Sue serving up some delicious lobster!

Breakfast at HB Provisions

Opening up our gift bags was like Christmas morning!

The feast we enjoyed the last night in Maine

There was also another twist, CNN was there for the filming of the documentary clip they are going to air for the 2011 CNN Hero Awards Ceremony, which Taryn in nominated for (which you can vote for her, ten times a day, everyday!) We were all pretty apprehensive by the thought of cameras there to capture some of our most private moments. I felt like we were a mix between the Real World and True Life (This is the true story, of 12 military widows, picked to live in a house. You think you know, but you have no idea) However, in the end I feel like the CNN crew actually enhanced our experience. They weren't around the entire time, and when they were, they weren't intrusive at all. They just wanted to capture what it was like for a young military widow and how the AWP has impacted our lives since our husbands deaths. We each did individual interviews and it really caused us to think and vocalize what the AWP means to us and what it means to be a military widow. At the end of the weekend, each of the crew members shared with us what the weekend and the experience of meeting military widows meant to them. And it was really cool to hear an outsiders perception of us. Each of the guys who shared with us got choked up when expressing us to how that weekend effected them. It was a really humbling experience to hear that we are some of the strongest women these guys have met and that we were not at all what they had expected.

Tim, who sort of coordinated the filming schedule, is a Chris Martin look-a-like!

The amazing camera guy Mick!

Taking pictures of our photographer, David.

All in all that weekend was a peak moment for me. Something that I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life. That weekend was by far the best weekend I have experienced since Michael's death. I do not want to know what life would be like without other military widows and I am thankful that I don't have to. I went home refreshed. I went home not caring what others thought when I brought up Michael and not afraid to talk about him with people who never got to meet him. I left a lot of emotional burdens in Maine and went home feeling much lighter. I went home with my soul recharged, feeling like I can take on the world.

1 year and 11 months

2011-10-10T01:30:00.000-04:00

Lately, I have been having such an overwhelming need to write. I have noticed that when I need to write, it's typically when there is stuff going on - grief stuff. I have somehow been floating in between contentment and a weird sense of normalcy. I have school, school work, my new obsession with the gym, volunteering and worrying about graduate school to thank for my facade of happiness.

However, the second anniversary of Michael's death is approaching much faster than I would like. It's almost like October 1st brought a wave of grief. All of a sudden, the temperature dropped, the delicious pumpkin spice has popped up everywhere, plans for Halloween are being formed, conversations about the holidays are floating around.

All are reminders that in a month - it will be 2 years since the life I knew and loved ended.

That facade has been slowly cracking and it's about to crumble. I have been experiencing so many flashbacks, it's unbelievable.

Flashbacks of the moment I found out.

The funeral.

Old friends who were there for me that have disappeared over the years.

Seeing my beautiful husband laying in a casket at the wake and not being able to look at him.

Screaming in the shower the morning after it all happened.

Rushing through the hospital only to find out he was already transported to the medical examiner.

I am starting to remember things that I couldn't remember for the past two years. It is absolutely crazy that it seems like it has been an eternity since I saw his face, touched his skin and kissed his lips but the hurt and the pain feels like it all happened just yesterday.

And still, all I can think about.... is... why?

anger

2011-08-18T22:44:00.000-04:00

I admit, I have been avoiding this blog like the plague. I haven’t wanted to write about what I have been feeling/going through because I haven’t wanted to deal with any of it. This blog has been one of my biggest sources of therapy and writing on it meant that I was a widow. That I had lost my husband. I have been hiding my grief by escaping - running away whenever being at home long enough started to feel uncomfortable. I fled to New York three times to be with my brother, California, Kansas, and Las Vegas. I have been trying my damnedest to act “normal” - whatever that means. All of this hiding and avoiding has been building and building. I have been getting angrier and angrier. Taking it out on other’s or simply pushing it aside just like I would push aside any other emotion associated with losing Michael. I thought that if I tried hard enough to try to pick up my life and act like I was ok, that I would really believe it, that I would feel ok.

I have been noticing that I have been feeling angrier and madder more and more each day and I didn’t understand why. Today I finally broke down. Anger is not an emotion that I deal well with and it has been eating at me. I wanted to scream, break something, punch a wall. It was probably the maddest I have been in a looong time. I realized that it’s because I have been hiding from my grief. And maybe this intense anger is just another component of my grief.

I miss my life with Michael. I miss everything about it - the good and the bad, the peaks and the valleys. I miss having my best friend. I miss the life we built together. I miss the future we had to look forward to.

I feel like I have gotten so strong this past year and nine months but tonight, tonight I have crumbled into a weak, mad sobbing mess.

tree and other inanimate objects

2011-06-27T17:48:00.000-04:00

I don't understand the strong attachment I have with Michael's belongings or any thing that represents him. They are just things. They aren't him. The attachment that I have to some of his things are sometimes crippling. On Saturday I had some trees removed because the week before there was a nasty storm that came through the week before and it knocked down one of my trees. I took advantage of having someone come out to remove it and I had two palm trees that had died the winter before, but I was too lazy and cheap to have removed after they died.

Also in my front yard was an oak tree that my real estate agent had bought for me after I purchased my house. He said it would represent Michael. He said that oak trees are strong and resilient, that no matter the weather, they would always live. Well I realized not even 20 minutes ago, after pulling into my drive way that the damn tree removal guys cut down Michael's oak tree! I was livid! I ran in my house and dropped my things and called the company that came out. I was shaking I was so mad. I calmly talked to the receptionist and told her what happened. She then put me on the phone with the manager who had come out the day to remove my trees. I was trying to hold it together as best as I could. I can usually hide my emotions but when he was asking me what kind of oak tree it was I just lost it. I had no clue what kind of oak tree it was... a dead husband oak tree?! I still can't stop crying. I keep telling myself it's just a damn tree. They are going to come out and replace it and it'll probably look the same. But all I keep thinking is that my Michael tree is gone.

As I started to write this blog I started thinking about everything else I have held onto with a vice-like grip. His clothes, his books, his underwear, his cologne, his toothbrush, everything that Michael had - I can't let go of. I know that having those things don't make up for his absence and they're not him. It's just another thing that I can't let go of. I can't let go of him. I can't let go of the fact that technically I am no longer married. I can't let go of his belongings. I can't let go of the fact that I am still so in love with him. And I don't want to. Letting go, right now, isn't going to make me feel any better, it's not going to take my pain away. I know that maybe eventually, I'll have to or I'll want to. But right now I want to still hold on. I need to still hold on because there is nothing else to hold onto.

profound

2011-06-08T22:26:00.000-04:00

Sorry I've been MIA lately. Just haven't felt like writing. Also I've been distracted. The first week of May I was up in New York visiting my brother for 10 days.

Then, 3 days after I got back, I left again. I went up to Orlando for a wedding. From Orlando I flew to LA to meet up with my dad and step-mom. We then went to go and visit my grandpa. A few days later, we hopped in my dad's new RV (he bought it from my grandpa) and we drove from California to Kansas.

I hung out in Kansas for a couple of days, then I flew back to Florida. I've been home for about a week and a half and I am ready to leave again. Too much time at home isn't good for me. Right now, I think the distractions are necessary.

Anyway, on to the main purpose of this blog...

You know those profound experiences, that you know for some reason, they will make it past your short term memory and be significant enough to be stored in that filing cabinet labeled "Long-term Memory"? And that somehow you know that you had that experience for a reason. That the universe put you in that particular situation for a reason that you may never understand until it hits you. Well, I had one of those moments yesterday.

I am starting to volunteer for an organization that has a crisis hotline available to anyone in crisis, may it be sexual violence, sudden death or domestic abuse in the Southwest Florida region. I am still in the process of completing the training, but it seems like it's a good fit for me. I want to be able to help others in their most desperate time of need. Maybe somehow, through the path my life has taken, I will be able to touch someone else's life and give them the hope and the strength to continue on. I don't want what I've been through to go to waste. I want to channel it and use it to help others.

Anyway, yesterday I went in for a lunch/training session with some of the other volunteers. I didn't know how the training session was going to go or what it was going to consist of, so I was really unprepared for what I was about to step into. As we got started, the speaker, who was a psychologist, tells us that the topic is on loss, grief and depression. Automatically, my heart sinks and my throat tightens up. I reminded myself that it was ok, I am good at holding it together in public. We quickly went over the first two topics - loss and grief. I opened up and shared about Michael because, obviously, my situation was relevant to the topic. What happened after that is going to stick with me for the rest of my life.

The doctor asked us all to close our eyes. Take a few deep breaths and focus on our breathing. She told us to imagine that we were walking up to a beautiful forest. That the sun was shining and it was a beautiful warm day. The forest seemed very inviting and told us to imagine walking into the forest. After walking for some time, you see a cottage. The cottage is very quant and seems harmless. So you decide to walk up to the cottage and knock on the door. After a moment, the door opens and it's your guardian angel.

Out of no where my breath gets short and I have to use all of my strength not to start crying. Because immediately I saw Michael. I saw his beautiful face. His gorgeous smile. It was like he was standing right in front of me. All I wanted to do was to reach out and hug him.

The doctor then tells us that our guardian angel asks us to come inside and sit down. Our guardian angel then says "Tell me your burdens, your losses, and I will carry them for you". The doctor then tells us to think about our earliest loss, our most recent loss, and our most profound loss.

This entire time I am trying to block her out. But I can't help it. I already have a river streaming down my face. I couldn't hold it together. I am usually pretty good at compartmentalizing my grief and saving it until I am in the comfort and privacy of my own home. But I couldn't hold onto that. I immediately thought of Michael. He was my most profound loss. Then my parents getting a divorce - that was my earliest loss. My most resent loss was a loss of a friendship with Michael's best friend.

Then the doctor tells us to imagine our guardian angel saying "Now let go of all of these losses, let me carry them for you. You don't have to worry about them anymore".

Immediately, in my head, I start screaming "NO NO NO"!! I don't want to let go of Michael. I can't. I don't know how. I don't want to. I can let go of my parents divorcing. That's easy. I can let go of my lost friendship. Friends come and go anyway. But my husband? My soulmate? I just can't. And I won't.

After she told us to open our eyes, I jumped up to go to the bathroom. I was a mess. I couldn't stop crying. That hasn't happened in public since the funeral... I think. The bad thing about it is that I didn't know anyone in that room. I had only met the volunteer coordinator once before and that was it. It was like a faucet was turned on and I couldn't turn it off for the life of me.

This was so eye opening to me because no matter how strong and composed I seem on the outside, on the inside I'm weak and hurting - it took going through that to realize it. I also realized that I'm not ready to let Michael go. Yes, I'm ready to be happy again, I am ready for a new chapter, but I just can't let him or that part of my life go. I was also reminded that I am still in the midst of my grief. Traveling and distractions aside, I am still in the thick of it all. Perhaps I should take more time to allow myself to feel the pain. I feel like I am in need of a balance. Equal parts of grief, pain, and sadness with happiness, joy and laughter.

2011-04-22T14:35:00.000-04:00

Why did it slip my mind? Did I forget? Am I too busy to notice the passage of time?

On May 12th, it will be our fourth wedding anniversary. It didn't even occur to me until the other day that in less than a month, it will be four years since we said "I do". Four whole years. I am going up to NYC to visit my brother during that time and when I was making my arrangements it didn't even pop into my mind that I will be there for our anniversary. Last year I was so focused on that day and what I would do and how I would remember our commitment to each other. I spent months obsessing over it turning to make that whole week surrounding the day perfect.

I have to admit though, I have been extremely busy. So busy that I didn't even realize that it was April already, let alone almost the end of April. School and family life has really been consuming my time and maybe that's a good thing. I have been going through the motions just focusing on what I have in front of me and maybe right now, that's what I need.

But I still feel absolutely horrible for not even realizing it, for letting it slip my mind. That day was huge for us, even though our ceremony was small, it was still perfect. I just don't understand how I could have realized how soon it was and how fast it is approaching.

Nevertheless, I will be spending it with the best of company - my brother and best friend! And we will be in the best city! So I am sure we will make the most of it.

brothers:

2011-04-18T21:23:00.001-04:00

You know that movie Brothers.
With Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman, and Tobey Maguire.
The story of the husband that is deployed to Afghanistan
and the Marines think he was killed
so they notified his wife and children that he’s dead
and his low life brother
hangs around the wife and kids
doing things around the house
being a father figure for the kids
and a companion for the wife.
But the husband was only captured
and then found
then returned home
only to figure out that his wife and brother have started a maybe relationship.

Michael got to meet Tobey when he was training for this particular role

Well I had a dream very similar to the plot line of this movie.

Michael’s death didn’t actually occur
but everyone thought it did.
He was deployed or something and then he disappeared
so they notified me that he died.
We had a funeral and everything.

Fast forward to two years after his death
and I’m in a relationship with a close friend of his.
I’m not sure which friend this was,
but I just know they were close,
practically brothers.
I was very much so in love
with both of them.

Out of no where,
Michael comes home.
And I am torn in between his best friend: my boyfriend
and my supposedly dead husband.

I couldn’t make a decision.
I wanted both of them.

Then I woke up.
I hadn’t dreamed of Michael in such a long time.
This was probably one of the worst ones yet.

when does it stop?

2011-04-13T20:21:00.000-04:00

Even after a year and a half without him
I am still caught off guard.
My mind will wonder
to the day, the very moment, when I got that phone call

"Allison, Michael died in an accident"

And for a couple of minutes I can't breathe.
And tears just stream down.
And it still hurts just as bad as the day it happened.
Like a fire in my chest that causes my blood to burn my veins.
I immediately question
Why us?
Why him?
Why me?

Does this feeling ever go away?
Or fade?
I don't know if I am looking for an answer
because everyone is different.
I guess I'm just tired of hurting.
And I want to be ok.
If that's even a possibility.

2011-04-12T23:03:00.000-04:00

I just want to be

HAPPY!

Is that so fucking hard to ask for?!

I've been through hell

2011-04-04T20:54:00.002-04:00

And now, slowly but surely, I am on my way back. I haven’t written lately because simply put, I haven’t needed to. I haven’t been holding onto anything. I haven’t had that want or need to write. I have been crazy busy with school and family. The semester is almost over and I will be so happy once it is. It has taken a lot for me to continue on with school, but it’s my way to focus my attention on something else.

I’ve been in a good place recently. The good days have been out numbering the bad. I have been trying to stay positive and focus on the good things. It’s a hard task to do especially when focusing on the bad has been so comfortable and easy for me. Even though it feels so good to be content where I am, I still feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being sad all the time. I feel guilty for experiencing things when Michael will never have the chance to. I feel guilty for putting myself out there and not retreating to my bed all the time. But over all it does feel ok where I am at.

Sometimes I trick myself though. Just when I feel like everything is smooth sailing and I get into a sense of normalcy, something happens and I feel like I have been knocked off my feet and I am reminded that I am still in the midst of my grief and pain of losing Michael. Yesterday was one of those days. I was reminded of how much I have lost and how much I have gone through since he was killed. And I realized just how much I missed him and missed my life before this all happened. I still would give anything just to have him back for a minute. I realized how much I don’t want this life. I never asked for it! I got married with the very best intentions - spending the rest of MY life with my soulmate. And that is something that I am struggling with to let go.

Sometimes I am able to let it go for a little bit, a least I think I am able to. I am able to set new goals for myself and envision a future that does not involve Michael. Figure out how my life, now, is supposed to look. But when I realize what it is that I am doing - seeing a future without Michael, I go straight back to square one - wanting to spend the rest of MY life with Michael.

I have never talked about dating or even having the urge to be with someone else on here, except my opposition to the whole thought. In the beginning, after Michael died, everyone told me that I would find love again. They told me that I was young and I still had plenty of time to start another relationship. A day after your husband dies, that’s the last thing you want to hear. You can’t even get it though your head that they are never coming home, let alone dating someone else. I was obstinate to the very thought and I wanted to go against what everyone was telling me. There was no way I could ever see myself kissing, dating, loving someone else. However I’m at that point, where I think that maybe just maybe I could entertain the idea of letting someone else in. To be frank, I’m lonely. I miss holding someone’s hand. I miss going out to dinner or to the movies with someone else besides friends or family. I miss sleeping next to someone. I miss having someone to tell all my secrets and worries to. I miss having a person. With that said, I am not going out on the prowl, looking for anyone. But if the opportunity comes around, I will be open to considering. Because the Beatles said it best “one is the loneliest number there will ever be”... and I completely agree with them.
It’s scary as hell, but I don’t want to let the fear of something bad happened or getting my heart broken keep me back from living anymore. I have been afraid of life for long enough now. I need to live and I can’t do that without taking risks or chances. I don’t want to let that fear hold me back or keep me from experiencing new things or making new memories. So this is me, telling the fear to fuck off.

So that’s sort of where I am at right now. I know I have definitely come a long way in the past (almost) year and a half. I can honestly say that I am proud of the work I have done and everything I have accomplished.

2011-03-05T21:22:00.000-05:00

I have been wanting to write all week, but I just couldn't for some reason. These past two weeks have been so unbelievably hard. Watching my brother go through this traumatic horrific thing and experience gut wrenching pain and despair is killing me. After losing Michael, I was always so afraid that it would happen again, that I would lose someone I love, again. I was always waiting for another phone call to tell me that someone else is dead. When I did receive that phone call, I was in a panic/fight or flight mode that it didn't occur to me until a few days later that one of my fears actually did come into fruition.

My heart is absolutely broken that there is another widow(er) in my family. My heart would always break when I would learn about another widow, knowing that we share a commonality that most others wouldn't. But this is too much. This is my brother. My best friend. I want so desperately to take his pain away. But there is nothing that any of us can do, but to go through it with him.

I constantly found myself comparing how I was to how Drew is. But I am constantly frustrated because I can't remember how I was. Those memories weren't encoded, and I am hoping for the same for my brother. I hope he doesn't remember this part.

Before this all happened, I felt like I was possibly coming to a good point. The peaks and valleys of my grief were starting to level out. I was having more good days than bad. And this happens and I am thrown right back into it. I almost wanted to quit school again and give it another go next semester. I had an insanely hard time leaving my brother to go back home.

I just wish this was all different. It still doesn't seem real.

world of hurt

2011-02-22T11:22:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, my family and I received horrible news.

My brother's best friend, the love of his life, took his life.

I would never wish this life on anyone, especially any of my family members.

My brother is absolutely heart broken and distraught.

We were all taken by surprise.

And it's really hard to even believe.

My brother's boyfriend was like a little brother to me.

I loved him so much.

He made my brother happy.

We will never understand why this happened.

But it is just a reminder that life is so short

and so precious

and to tell those who matter most how much you love them.

You will always be loved and missed

<3 JLB <3

Due to the sensitive nature of the situation, please only send prayers and words of encouragement. We are all hurting very much.

Valentine's Day, Smalentine's Day

2011-02-14T22:06:00.001-05:00

Man oh man.
There's nothing more that I hate than a stupid made up holiday.
Oh wait. I do hate something more.
I hate the stupid made up holiday that makes me feel even more alone than I possibly could.
It's like adding fucking insult to injury.

This year, will officially be my second year without Michael.
I am still deciding what's worse,
being on a plane to go saw goodbye to my dying grandmother
or having to go a group project presentation and then going home to be alone?
I would have to say, I have definitely shed more tears this year.

I have always had a particular disdain for Valentine's Day.
Why have one special day to tell to tell those who are most important that you love them?
Michael and I didn't really care for Valentine's Day.
But we would partake in the festivities, sort of.
And I have to admit, it was really nice having someone to spend it with.
Even if it is a stupid made up holiday.

The last Valentine's day that we spent together.
Was amazing.
Michael got me roses.
I got him dark chocolate, pajama pants, and a new hoodie.
I loved to spoil him.

We decided that we would add to our little family of three.
We went to a dog rescue meet up to look at pups.
We looked and looked and we didn't find any dogs that suited us.
That was until we reached the last booth.
And there he was.

We adopted Koby on Valentine's Day, 2009.
That afternoon we took our pup to our favorite park to have a picnic.
We played with him, people complimented us on our beautiful dog, went for a walk.
The day was perfect.

It feels like then and now are worlds away.
The only things we had to worry about then was learning our new dog wasn't potty trained and figuring out how to decorate our new apartment.
Things are completely and utterly different now.
I would much rather spend this stupid holiday with my husband and our pup than a.l.o.n.e.

it's not how he died...

2011-02-04T21:40:00.007-05:00

...that made him a hero,

but how he

LIVED.

From the beginning I said that this was not how Michael was supposed to die. If he was going to die young, it should have been over there. Not here, and not at the mercy of an 81 year old man. I worried that people wouldn't see him for what he really is, a hero. I constantly found myself saying to people "but he served two whole years in Iraq". Two years that contained a few close calls, but as we soon found out, God had other plans.

I fear that people think that Michael died in vain. I assure you he did not. His death did mean something. It meant a lot to so many people. In the aftermath, so many people came forth to testify what Michael meant to them and the out pour of love and admiration for my husband was absolutely breathtaking-astonishing-overwhelming! Michael's energy and love for life touched everyone he came across. Michael was an outstanding Marine. During one the eulogies at his memorial service on MCAS Miramar, it was either his gunny or his commanding officer, said that Michael was the type of Marine that everyone fought to have work for them. Michael has inspired me in so many ways. If I am stuck in a difficult situation, I always sit back and think "how would Michael handle this", and I typically do it his way.

So it's really not the way that he died. He didn't have that choice. He didn't get to have a talk with God before it happened to suggest where he would have liked to be killed. It's how he lived, how he treated others, how he served his country, how he loved, and how he is remember today that makes him a hero.

Oh! And I got my necklace made custom from this etsy shop.

R&R
August 2008

24

2011-01-29T11:32:00.000-05:00

The day that I turn 24 is fast approaching.
It's probably one of the most dreaded days for me this year so far.
I will be turning an age that Michael will never be able to experience.

Although I have been older than him for a little while.
He was about 6 months old than I am, but I don't know the exact day it happened where I surpassed his age.
But on Monday, I will officially be a year older than him.

Little ol' naive me used to think that I would never be older than Michael.
It never occurred to me that he would die young and forever be 23.
And I would continue on and age without him by my side.

This all brings me back to the question, "Why us?" "Why him?" "Why not me?".
I feel like if the tables were turned and it was me and not him, he would be much better at this whole life thing.
It's not fair. At all.

It's just another reminder that he isn't here anymore.
And he never will be.

mush

2011-01-24T21:59:00.000-05:00

I have writers block. But I'm not a writer.
I have come to a point where I am at a loss for words.
I can't seem to think straight so therefore, nothing to write about.

Sometimes I feel really passionate about writing something.
I'll have an idea, sentences, or a theme stuck in my head all day.
And it is absolutely imperative that I write something.
But lately it seems like everything I come up with or think about, is just something that I have already written about. (I'm pretty sure I have written about this as well).
Or I come up with nothing at all.

My head is such a mush that I actually have a headache from trying to sort through it all.
I guess it has been an emotionally draining day.
I don't know.

Shit still sucks. And it still feels like it happened yesterday.

backwards.

2011-01-21T00:12:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been trying to assess where I'm at.
In my grieving process.
I do this every few months or so.
Sometimes I feel like I have made leaps and bounds.
Like I'm getting better.
Getting a grasp on things.

Sometimes I feel like I have gotten no where.
Like I am at square one. (is that even a saying? I have no clue but it sounds appropriate)
Like it happened yesterday.

Lately, it feels like it happened just yesterday.
Like I am just finding out the news.
And my world is flipped upside down.

It doesn't feel like it has been 441 days, 14 hours and 22 minutes since Michael took his last breath.
(reading that is actually shocking)
As of right now, I can't say that I have gotten any better.
I feel as if I have only gone backwards.

For all of you that say it gets better over time.
It doesn't.

oh the horror!

2011-01-12T19:21:00.001-05:00

This week I started school, again. This is the 3rd school (and hopefully final) that I have transfered to. With moving back to Fort Myers after everything happened, school choices were limited. Really my only choice was to start going to Florida Gulf Coast University (FGCU). I really dreaded going here because it's not known for being a really good school. It's nothing like SDSU. It kind of makes me sad, but in a way, it's my only choice. And I did choose to move back here, no one forced me... sort of. I was going to wait to blog about my first week until the end of the week, but so far this week has been a joke. No really. A huge joke.

Day One - My first class was at 2. Which was fine, not a big deal, I usually like to take morning classes to get everything out of the way. But my choices of classes to take were limited since I registered later than most people. I knew I would run into people that I knew from my past. It's inevitable, I am going to the only major university in the town that Michael and I grew up in. But I never expected this... the professor walks in and it's someone I know from high school! Granted, he was a senior when I was a freshmen. He was also in band with Michael and I. In a way, it's not so bad. He remembered me and he knows what happened so maybe he would be sympathetic to what I am going through, I'm not expecting it though. But seriously, what are the odds of this happening?

Day Two - just one class on Tuesday. Again, this one started at 2. I got there a little early so I was waiting in the hallway waiting for the class before me to come out. About 5 minutes before the class started I recognized someone I knew, I had to do a double take because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was Michael's first serious girlfriend (if you know what I mean). And she was in my class!!! I about threw up. I was so nervous/uncomfortable that my heart was racing a mile a minute and I started to get shaky. If that wasn't bad enough, the class size was small enough that the teacher wanted us to introduce ourselves! She knows who I am (again, we were in band together), she knows I am Michael's wife, and she HAS to know what happened. Thank goodness she didn't say anything to me. But seriously, what are the odds of this happening?! The class is offered 19 times this semester, and each of the classes are capable of holding 25 students. AND she graduated in 2003 and as far as I know, she has only really been in school, so why is she just taking this class now? I wanted to die. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I can't drop or switch into a different class either. Considering the VA and my scholarship, it's too complicated. And I have to take this class in order to graduate on time. On the bright side, the class only occurs once a week, so I just have to avoid her for the next 15 weeks.

Anyway, that whole situation just brought on a whole can of worms I never thought I would have to deal with. I never had to deal with ex-girlfriends when Michael was alive, so why now?! The only thing I wanted to do yesterday was just talk to him. Tell him what was going on and what I should do and how I should handle it. I needed to hear his reassurance that everything would be ok, but his voice is nothing but too far away. It's just another reality check that he isn't here.

Day Three - I had my statistics for behavioral sciences class today. I walk into the class and I see the crypt keeper at the front of the room! My instructor for this class is, I'm sure, older than dirt!! We come to find out that his formal education background is in engineering. Not math. Not psychology. Nope. Engineering. Sooo why is he teaching a course that is critical for psychology majors? It's beyond me. He seems super easy and nice, but I would much rather learn something from someone who is qualified.

At that point I just wanted to laugh... and then go home, because really? Why does it seem like this whole school thing is the worst case scenario? My sister says that it's God trying to test me. But really? haven't I been tested enough?! God really does have a sense of humor if I do say so myself.

However, in the moment when all I wanted to do was go home, I checked facebook and my gorgeous friend Mandy posted a quote:

‎"The test of an adventure is that when you're in the middle of it,

you say to yourself, 'Oh, now I’ve got myself into an awful mess;

I wish I were sitting quietly at home.'

And the sign that something's wrong with you is

when you sit quietly at home wishing you

were out having lots of adventure."

And that's what this all is, a freakin' adventure. And I am tired of sitting at home wishing I were somewhere else.

a thousand thank yous!

2011-01-09T14:22:00.000-05:00

The other day, I logged onto blogger and I was dumbfounded when I looked at my follower count, and noticed I have over 100 followers. Never in a million years did I think that I would have this many readers. When I started this blogging journey over a year ago, I started it for only 2 reasons. 1 - to be able to connect with others who are going through the same journey as I am. My biggest hope was that other widows would fall upon my blog and realize that they are not alone. 2 - to be able to openly talk (or write) about what I am going through. Ever since Michael died, I have been a closed book. Reluctant to open up about anything to anyone in fear of showing my true emotions. Writing has been that release for me. In a way, it helps me feel better.

So I wanted to say thank you, to all of my readers. Thank you for wanting to know more about the life and love of my husband, SGT Michael Martins. And thank you for wanting to be on this journey with me.

2011

2011-01-04T14:05:00.001-05:00

So 2011 is here. I didn't feel the necessity to blog on New Years. Last year was completely different. I did not want to embrace the new year. I wanted nothing more than to dig my nails into time itself to prevent it from going on. I couldn't stand the idea of going into a new year without Michael by my side.

This time around it was a little different. I so desperately wanted 2010 to be over. 2010 was nothing but a bad year, with the exception of a few events. I was scalp deep, and still am, in my grief. I have learned that the only way to achieve happiness is from within yourself. I have learned to rely on no one or thing to make me happy. My struggle this year is to find the strength, will, and motivation to find happiness.

I have also learned that even though the distance from when I last laid eyes on my breathing, alive husband continues to become greater and greater, I know that the distance from when I will be able to see him again continues to get shorter and shorter. And I am learning to be ok with that. I guess in a way, I am starting to accept what has happened.

I want more good days than bad days. I don't want to be afraid of life anymore. So I guess my new years resolution is to find some sort of inner peace and happiness. Oh and to lose at least 20 pounds. :)

my true friends

2010-12-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like grief, depression and anxiety are my only friends. We all sit in a circle on my king size bed holding hands because we are always connected.

Depression leans over and whispers to me "You will never be that happy again. You are a fat piece of shit. You will always be alone. Death is easier than living. Go eat".

Anxiety interrupts by screaming "EVERYONE YOU LOVE WILL DIE - DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE, YOU'LL GET INTO A CAR ACCIDENT AND DIE- A JET ENGINE WILL FALL FROM THE SKY AND LAND ON YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR DOG WILL DIE"!

Then grief chimes in with "He is gone. You will never be able to look in his eyes, hold his hand or kiss his lips. No one will ever love you like he did. You will be alone for the rest of your miserable life".

And this conversation seems to go on and on. Every. Single. Day. Grief - depression - anxiety are the friends that won't seem to go away, but yet they have been there since the beginning. They have been the constant since Michael has died. It almost seems like it would be another loss if they were to go away.

cosmic love

2010-12-08T14:30:00.000-05:00

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine

anticipation

2010-12-05T14:56:00.000-05:00

Each of Michael's deployments landed on the same time schedule. Deploy to Iraq in January/February. Come home for R&R sometime around August, be home for 2 weeks. Then finally come home the next January. His first deployment, he walked into my arms on January 31st, my birthday. His last deployment he got to come home early because he was PCSing in February. So he was home on December 8th.

This time of year is usually when I would be anxiously waiting for him to get home. I would feel the rush of anticipation run through my body 24/7. It was annoying and frustrating and time always seemed to drag on longer. Counting down the days, hours, minutes, seconds for him to step foot off of that notorious white bus. I just wanted him home and I always felt like I could not wait a second longer to lay eyes on him.

For some reason, I am feeling that exact same way. I feel it in my whole mind, body and soul - the anticipation for something that will never come. It's so much more frustrating now because I know there is no light at the end of this tunnel. Heaven doesn't have white buses that you step out of to your loved ones. I know he's gone, so why am I feeling this way? Is it just this time of the year? Is my body just used to feeling this way because of the past?

Everyone who is further out than me always told me that going into the second year is so much worse than the first year. Holy shit, they were completely right. That stupid fog has lifted and I am feeling every bit of pain that I didn't feel before. And this whole anticipation for Michael's arrival that will never be is really throwing me for a loop. I hate it. I hate that this was our fate. I would give up anything in the world to have him back.

wordless

2010-11-24T10:15:00.000-05:00

This was pretty much how we were :)

Thanksgiving 2007

Wichita, KS

reality sucks

2010-11-24T09:42:00.000-05:00

It really does. Just when I think I have a handle on my grief, reality comes and bites me in the ass. I realize all over again, that I really don't have a handle on anything and that Michael is really gone. Sometimes I get complacent in my bubble of numbness and I just absent mindedly (is that a word?) think that Michael is at work or he's deployed. It's only when I really think and really connect the dots together that I realize that Michael is dead. He died.

In the beginning, all I wanted to do was look at pictures of him, stair into his eyes because that's what got me through. That's what comforted me. Now, when I look at pictures I see the happiness and love that we shared and I realized that we will never physically share that again because Michael is dead, he is gone. Then it starts all over again the hot iron is stabbed through my chest, the shortness of breathe and the tears.

Last Friday was just a baddd day. I had truly felt as if I had taken one step forward and then reality pushed me 5 steps backward. I was driving to FGCU for my orientation. Traffic was sort of heavy because I pass by a school where kids are being dropped off. Out of nowhere, I see a white hearse. Just like the one that transported Michael from the airport to the funeral home to the church and then back to the cemetery. I automatically had flash backs from all of those scenarios. Going to the airport at night and going out onto the tarmac to watch his casket being taken off the airplane. It was so cold that night and I had a long black dress on that didn't help. I remember thinking that I should have been on that plane with him. I should have been there to escort him home. I remembered riding behind the hearse on the way to the cemetery after the funeral. I didn't cry at the funeral. I took a heavy dose of xanax and I was completely numb. I got up and gave the eulogy and didn't cry. But on the way to the cemetery riding behind my husband something inside me snapped and I was hysterical. The xanax was wearing off and I was feeling it more than ever. It all hit me like a tidal wave of emotion, all of those memories came fleeting back. It was just as painful remembering as it was to live during that time.

Then as I was sitting at orientation, I realized that this is another chapter that I am beginning without Michael. I will be graduating from this school soon (maybe the end of next year if all things go as planned) and Michael won't be in the audience. He won't be there to help me study for exams, go over flash cards with me. He won't be there to read over my papers. He won't call in between classes. I am embarking on this alone. I am finishing something that we started together, and he won't be here to see me through. It was a struggle to hold it together in a room full of strangers.

Then that afternoon, my brother came and visited me from Miami and we went to go see the new Harry Potter movie. Michael loved Harry Potter. He read all of the books and saw all of the movies. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was the last book Michael read and he wanted to see the movie soooo bad. I remember we went and saw the Half-Blood Prince together last year (YAY! I still get to say "last year"!!) and we were wondering if the next book would be split into two movies. I saw the preview for the movie a couple of times before and every time I saw it, I started to cry. How is it fair that I will be watching a movie that Michael wanted to see so bad? How is this movie here, but my husband isn't? Before the movie started I told my brother that Michael really wanted to see this movie and he replied "You know he's here watching it with us". I have a really good brother. Him saying that meant a lot to me.

It's just been a struggle since last Friday. I feel like I am a million years old. Having all of those feelings and memories come back bring along Mr. Depression and his sidekick Anxiety. Ohh and how I hate those two!

wordless

2010-11-17T11:21:00.000-05:00

That little strip of beach was were Michael and I said our "I do's"

May 12th, 2007

2010-11-12T16:43:00.000-05:00

Well yesterday was another day that was sort of bittersweet.

November 11th, 2005 was the day Michael and I officially started dating... again.

We dated for about a month and a half the January before while Michael was home for Recruiter's Assistance in between MCI and MOS school. We were in love, but we knew it wouldn't work out. I was about to graduate high school and start college and he was going to California eventually. We knew it was just bad timing. So we broke things off. We started talking again that September. We would be on the phone every single night. We fell for each other all over again. It was maybe the 3rd day after we started talking again when Michael asked me to be his date to the Marine Corps Ball in November. I immediately said yes. I didn't think about the costs or what to expect, I just said yes because I knew it felt right. Michael always said that he didn't want to ask me to be his girl friend over the phone, because he felt like it was so important to ask me face to face. Even though, we would tell each other "I love you", I still wasn't his girl friend until I saw him.

November 10th, 2005, I flew into San Diego. He was there waiting for me at the air port and if you have ever flown into San Diego, you know that when you go into the baggage claim area, you have to come down a set of escalators. As I was coming down that escalator I saw Michael's beautiful smile and I knew right then and there, I couldn't live my life without him. When I got to him he gave me the biggest hug and kissed me. Well it turns out that Michael was so excited to see me, he completely forgot to ask me out! The next morning, we got up and we were getting ready for the drive to Las Vegas and I looked at him and said "Michael, you forgot to ask me something" so right there in his barracks room on San Mateo on Camp Pendleton, Michael asked me to be his girl friend.

Once we finally got to the hotel in Las Vegas were the ball was being held, we had to quickly start getting ready, or we would be late. Michael realized that we were given the wrong room, he had reserved a king sized room, and we had a queen sized room. So he went down stairs to straighten out the mix up. When he came back to the room, he told me to pack up because we were moving. We got moved to a pent house suite! I was so shocked. In order to get on the top floor, you had to have the room key to stick in the elevator. Once you were on the floor, you had to use your key to go through a golden gate to get into the hall way. The room was fabulous! It had a huge living room, kitchen, dining area, and the room we were staying in was huge with a comfortable bed you wanted to stay in all day. We really got luck.

The ball itself was really fun. We got to drink (mind you we were both 18 years old), we danced a lot. The first dance that we danced to was Elvis Presley's "Fools Rush In". It really was an amazing night.

It was so hard leaving him at the end of the weekend. I didn't want to go home. I knew from then on out, that my place was to be right next to him. We knew that we had this huge deployment right around the corner but we were confident that if we could make it through that one year of being apart, then we could make it through anything. We were able to sacrifice a year because we knew that we had the rest of our lives to be together. When Michael finally dropped me off at the airport, he called me when he was back in his car and he was crying and he told me that he didn't know how he was going to be able to tell me goodbye for a year.

November 11th was also the day that we held Michael's memorial Service at MCAS Miramar. I didn't realize that the day would have two meanings until my sister pointed out to me that it was the same day as our dating anniversary. There was no way around it, it had to be that day. We had to get Michael home.

That day tore me up. The memorial service was done so nicely. And all of our friends from Miramar and from my work were able to be there. A few of Michael's officers got up and talked about him. We found out a lot about Michael that he never knew himself. He never bragged about his job or what he was doing or what a good Marine he was. He never realized what a huge impact he had on others around him. His friends, his Marines got up and talked about him. The final roll call is what killed me. You always see it in movies, but you never think that it would be your husband's name they are calling out.

So yesterday was definitely bittersweet. I thought about him ever second of the day. It's not like I don't normally, but I thought about how we were when we first started out. What are hopes and dreams were. And now how all of that has changed. What I would give to have him back. The finality of it all is really starting to sink in and its unbearable.

Yesterday my dad and my sister came to visit. We went to the cemetery and stayed there and talked for a while. We went to a Barns and Noble (our first kiss was outside of a Barns and Noble) and while we were in there I heard "Fools Rush In" play. I knew it was Michael. I knew it was him. It may have just been a coincidence with timing, but I want to believe it was him.

I love you Michael. Thank you for making me the happiest girl. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for your service to our country. For your 5 1/2 years in the Marine Corps, I know you wanted more. But thank you. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.

one

2010-11-09T10:32:00.003-05:00

I wanted to take a few days to digest this past weekend before I wrote about it. It's hard to describe how I felt on Saturday. Yes, it was an extremely sad day, but it was not the saddest I have experienced. I think Michael's birthday was the worst for me by far. On his birthday I wanted to do something fun, that I knew Michael would enjoy, but it was too hard knowing that he should have been there. He would have been 24, but he will never be able to experience anything beyond 23. Saturday wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be.

I got up that morning and ate breakfast. I had intended to go straight to the florist because I had ordered an arrangement a couple of days before hand. But Michael's mom called me to see if I wanted to go to breakfast. I went and just sat with them at Ihop. Then afterwards I went to the florist, picked up the arrangement and then went to the cemetery. I sat there for a while, just talking to Michael. I got him a card and I read it to him. Then I went home. I didn't really know what to do. When I was home I stayed outside and played with Koby for a while. Did some stuff around the house, read, and that was it pretty much.

That evening I went over to my in-laws house, my mother-in-law was home alone so we looked through old pictures. We decided to go to dinner so we went to an Italian restaurant. I ordered something I knew Michael would have loved. I ended up having a little too much to drink but I figured it was ok considering what day it was.

The next day we went to mass that was being said for Michael. I've been to other masses that are said for Michael, but this one was harder to sit through. The priest that say was talking about what happens when we die. I just said there really thinking that Michael is gone. Michael will never come home again. I think it sank in a little more that he is actually dead. He has experienced something that most human beings are the most fearful of. He just can't write home about it. The gospel that day was about a widow (how fitting right) and if that widow does not have a child by her husband, and if the husband had a brother, then the brother of the husband should marry the widow and try to have a child with her so that the late husband's name will be carried on. I just laughed because Michael's brother was in the row behind me with his wife. After the mass I went up to him and told him that since the bible says so, we need to get married. That was probably the funniest thing all day.

Afterwards we went to breakfast with the entire family. It was nice but I felt a huge part of me missing. Whenever the family gets together it's always like that. I always feel like something isn't right. After breakfast we all went our own seperate ways. I went back to the cemetery because I wanted to take some pictutes since I didn't get the chance to do so the day before.

I picked to use orange and red roses for the arrangement.

Orange because on our first anniversary Michael sent me orange roses while he was in Iraq.

Red because I carried red roses at our wedding.

Something new they just put up before the Veteran's section of the cemetery

I couldn't resist the opportunity to take a picture like this.

We didn't have one taken at our wedding.

The newest addition to Michael's mausoleum space.

It came out great, but it's harder now to go to visit him,

the picture just makes it even more real.

I just can't believe one year has passes. I would think to myself, that one year is such a long time to go without seeing him. And then I think that the day after the one year mark will be the longest time I would go without seeing Michael. The same goes for a week, month, year after the one year mark. So I sort of made myself ok (as can be) with that day being the longest I have gone without seeing him, because everyday after that will be the longest time I have gone, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Another downside to the one year mark is that I can't say "Well, last year we did this...". I don't even know what to say anymore in that situation because today, last year, Michael was already gone. It just sucks.

Today I am putting together a huge collage of pictures for a Veteran's Day memorial service that it being held at Michael's middle school on Veteran's Day. They are doing a special dedication to Michael and they have ask me to put together something for the ceremony. It should be nice.

bloggy award

2010-11-08T09:13:00.000-05:00

I don't typically do these sorts of things, but I am in the mood to have a little fun this morning and I found a really cute new blogs that inspired me :) Thank you to Brittany @ Life of The All American Army Wife for giving me this award and inspiring me to have fun this morning!

So here are the rules for receiving this blog award:

Rules
1. Thank and link back to who gave you the award.
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Pass it along to blogs you've recently discovered and enjoyed.
4. Leave the recipients a note telling them about the award.

Ok so 7 things about me...

1. One of my favorite things to do is sit at the airport (not in the actual airport itself, but outside) and watch air planes land and take off. I don't know why it fascinates me so much but it does. I think maybe because I don't understand it. I don't get it how a huge heap of metal can fly through the air.

2. I have a spare bedroom that has many 10 boxes in it that I still have yet to unpack and I have lived in this house since March now. I don't know why I just can't unpack and really settle into my house but it's on my list of things I need to do before the end of the year.

3. Ok so my car (the car that Michael used to drive) has a 6 disk CD player in it. The first 2 slots have been free since before Michael died, so I only use those two slots for my CDs. The last 4 CD slots Michael had his own CDs in there and I haven't been able to listen to them or remove them for the whole year. Well on Saturday, the one year mark, I listened to his CDs and I remember how much I loved his music and how much I have actually avoided to listening that type of music. It was bittersweet because I was able to remember some pretty funny stuff aboout Michael, but I knew that I'll never get to see him play his air guitar on the steering wheel, spend hours trying to learn lryics to songs, or sing like a rockstar while driving down the 5 with the windows down.

4. I swear I have the best dog ever! Koby is such a sweet dog and I know that I am his favorite human (he was totally a daddy's boy though). He's such a good boy and I am so happy that I have him.

5. For the past few weeks I have been reading the Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris. These are the books that True Blood is based off of. I absolutely love them! There are 10 books in the series so far and each of them is a page turner.

6. I hate the holidays. Period.

7. I am so anxious to start school again. I miss it. I miss the stress of study guides, papers, taking notes, and exams. And I am so close to finishing too and I am ready for the next chapter, school wise.

Ok so I need to pass on the blog award. Mandy has been one of my widow friends since the beginning pretty much. Although we have never met, I feel like I know her and Dan like I would actually know them in person. So go check her out :)

friday morning

2010-11-06T17:07:00.000-04:00

This is the story of how one year ago my life changed forever. I wrote it for the American Widow Project's website and I know I have linked the website to my blog, but I just wanted to post the whole story on here.

November 6th, 2009

This Friday morning started out… off, weird, different. Michael would always always always wake me up in the morning to kiss me goodbye and to tell me to have a good day and that he loved me. This morning, he didn’t. I woke up feeling weird. Why didn’t he kiss me?

I got up and started to get ready. That morning I was scheduled to go into work for a couple of hours to make phone calls to previous patients to schedule their annual eye exam. I was good at getting people to return to our office, so it was normal for me to go in for a couple of hours in the morning before school to make phone calls. Friday’s were different, I didn’t have school. I had made arrangements to meet up afterward with an old friend to catch up.

As I was getting ready to go to work, I got out of the shower and went into our room. I walked into our master bathroom (we always showered in our spare bathroom, it was bigger and more awesome) and I looked in the mirror and I saw Michael behind me smiling. I screamed bloody murder! He scared the crap out of me! Not only did he creep into the apartment without me or the dogs hearing anything, but he managed to strip down to nothing and he was staring at me in the mirror with a huge grin on his face, waiting for me to notice him. We both cracked up and he hugged and kissed me. I asked him why he didn’t kiss me before he left. He said that he got up early to PT with his Marines and that he did not want to wake me.

Watching the clock, I continued to get ready and Michael jumped into the shower. I got dressed and I went into the bathroom that he is showering in to do my makeup. When I’m finished, I told him that I am leaving. At this point I was running late. Michael opened up the shower curtain and he’s running down the list of questions -

“What time do you get off work?”

“What are you doing afterward?”

“Are you still meeting up with Tarra?”, he asked. “Yes, Michael, I am still meeting up with her”, I replied. He smiled and said, “I wouldn’t be friends with her again, she’s fucking crazy”. I laughed and said, “Ok, Michael, we’ll see”.

We kissed and we hugged (yes, we hug, yes, I got wet). I went to work. When I got there, I text him to ask him if he’s still home. Yes, he’s still home. I asked him if he can feed the dogs, I forgot to feed them. A few more texts were exchanged, even a couple of short phone calls too. And of course, One more set of “I love you’s”.

I got off of work a little later than I expected, at 12. I called my friend to let her know that I’ll be late, she was running late too, so it was ok. We planned to meet at a mall that is pretty much half way in between our place and hers. I got there a little sooner than I was supposed to - which was fine because if you’re not early, you’re late (right?). I found the place of where we were meeting - Panera Bread. I went to the restroom, then I decided to go out into the mall to wait for her. I saw her walking up. But she’s was on the phone and she looked pretty tense. I stood there for about another 2 - 3 minutes while she was still on the phone. I figured out that it’s one of our mutual friends. But there was a problem. But she didn’t really tell me what’s going on. She just says that “Vanesia said that there was an accident and you need to call Michael”. I was thinking “why would I need to call Michael, if Vanesia’s husband was in an accident?!”. So I called Michael. No answer. Things started to whirl around me. I started to freak out. I demanded that she tell me what Vanesia said. She couldn’t give me an answer because she said that Vanesia was hysterically upset and she couldn’t understand a word she said. She got on the phone again with Vanesia. As she was trying to get an answer out of her, she told me to call Aaron, Vanesia’s husband, one of Michael’s best friends, the guy he used to go out with and try to pick up girls with during MOS school. It was like the pieces were slowly starting to fall into place. It was like a stage with a whole lot of people standing on it in a room where the lights start to go down and the only light left on is this huge spot light and it’s only hitting one person - me - but all in slow motion.

I called Aaron, he refused to tell me what was going on. He told me that I needed to call Sgt. Beller. I called her. But I had the wrong phone number. I tried to call her again. Nothing. I called Michael’s office. Nothing. I called Aaron again. At this point I am shaking uncontrollably, I am short of breath, and I have tears in my eyes. I have no clue what was going on, but I knew something bad had happened. I got Aaron on the phone again and this time, I demanded to know what was going on. I can tell by the tone of his voice that he is really upset. He says in a shaky voice “Allison, Michael was killed in an accident on his way to work”. I lost it. I start screaming “WHAT!? WHAT?! WHAT?!?”. I’m still in the mall and at this point we are heading towards the door out to the parking lot. It couldn’t be true. How could this have happened?! He’s home. He came home from two deployments, this isn’t possible. He’s supposed to be safe!

I hung up on Aaron. I had no clue what to do. I knew that I needed to talk to someone who knew what was actually going on because this wasn’t real. This didn’t happen. I needed someone to apologize to me for mixing things up and having the wrong Marine. I started to rush through old emails to find an email from our FRO (family readiness officer). She always attached her number to the end of her emails. I called her. She answered her cell phone. I said “I’m Sgt. Michael Martins wife and I just received a phone call saying that my husband was killed”. She very apologetically says that she was sorry that I found out this way, and she hands the phone to Michael’s First Sergeant. He explains to me that they were forming a CACO team and they were on the way to my house. No - this isn’t happening. He said that Michael was at the hospital that they could either meet me there, or meet me at my house. I had no clue where the hospital was so I said that they should meet me at my house.

During this time, my friend and I are racing to her car. There was no way in hell that I could have driven myself. I would have driven myself straight into a concrete wall if I had the chance to. I called everyone. My sister. My Dad. My mom. My step-mom. My step-dad. My brother. I was advised not to call Michael’s family because a CACO team was being formed in Florida to notify them as well.
I finally get home. But there weren't any Marines there to tell me that my life was over. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t just go up to my apartment and just turn on the TV and wait for two Marines and a Chaplain to stop by for a visit. I stayed outside and I start pacing my parking lot just crying and shaking. Finally they arrived.

They are walking through my parking lot towards me. They stop in front of me and my CACO reads from a piece of paper “Mrs. Martins, we regret to inform you that your husband, Sergeant Michael Martins was killed at 0930 this morning on his way to work on Miramar Road”.

No.

The next thing I remember we are in the car heading to the hospital. There’s still hope right? Maybe they have it wrong. Maybe they were misinformed by the hospital and the doctors. We walked through the doors of the hospital and through long stretches of hallways with white walls. There were people passing us and in door ways and they knew. They knew more than I did that my husband was dead. We get to the ICU and we were met there by a nurse. She very rudely tells us that Michael has already been transported to the medical examiner. I flipped out on this lady saying that they had no to right to move him without my consent. I don’t remember much. I just remember being moved into a small office because I was making too much of a commotion. I was met by his nurses and doctor. They all told me that nothing could be done, that Michael felt nothing. That he want quick.

No.

During this time, I staring a whole into the wall in front of me with tears running uncontrollably down my face. I felt a warm sensation throughout my whole body and I knew at that moment that it was Michael. I told the Chaplain that I didn’t believe in God. How could a God so loving ruin our lives? Everything in our life was perfect. I was finally settled in a major that I loved. I was finally doing really well in my classes. Almost all straight A’s. I had a job that I loved. I was making good money. Michael was only one more step away from being accepted into the Marine Enlisted Commissioning Education Program (MECEP) in order to be able to go to college for four years and then he was going to live out his dream as a Marine Corps Officer. We had an amazing apartment and awesome friends. We had our own little family that consisted of two dogs and a cat. We were hoping to add more (of the human variety) in the future. Most importantly, our marriage was finally getting on the right track. After two year long tours in Iraq we were finally getting into the groove of things. We had the comfort of knowing that we had at least a solid five years with no interruptions. We were extremely happy and extremely in love. I quickly learned that the statement “we make plans and God laughs” was so true.

After getting back from the hospital the details of everything started to fall into place. Michael was on his was to work, on his motorcycle. We was on a pretty populated road, going with the flow of traffic. An 81 year old man decided to make a left hand turn right as Michael was in front of him. Michael had his helmet on. Gloves. Jacket. The whole get up. Michael was the safest motorcycle drivers I knew. I trusted him so much that I would beg him to take me out on it. Which isn’t like me because I was terrified of motorcycles. But Michael made me feel safe. Our friends from his previous unit started to hear about what happened, they would call hoping that what they heard was wrong. Friends, neighbors and family started to pour in. There was no way that anyone was going to leave me alone. That night I realized it. As I was sitting in the middle of the couch, dazed out of my mind from the shock and antianxiety medication, staring a whole into the wall in front of me and as soon as I realized it, I said it - “I’m a 22 year old widow”.

We flew Michael home to Fort Myers, Florida and we laid him to rest on November 14th, 2009.
To my husband Michael - my love for you is eternal. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.

Never forget.

SGT Michael Martins

23 years old

tomorrow

2010-11-05T12:07:00.000-04:00

I have been wanting to write, but I don't know how. I can't seem to form the words to express what I am feeling or what I am going through. I guess you could say I am speechless.

I never thought I would get to this point. I never thought I would make it to a year without him. If you would have asked me while Michael was deployed if I could make it a year with no communication, no new pictures, nothing at all from him, I probably would have punched you in the face for thinking of something so ludicrous. I would not have been able to do it. I could barely do it then when I had the phone calls, emails, and skype sessions. Now I am amazed that tomorrow, it will be a year. With nothing at all but the pictures that I already have and the dreams that I have been blessed with.

Part of me wants to scream and cry and curse the universe for Michael being gone. But I know that will do nothing at all. I know no matter how many tears I cry, no matter how many times I tell myself that this can't be real, it will do nothing to better the situation. I can't beg and plead with God to give him back. I know it won't happen. So what can I do?

I have no clue. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to write, because I don't even know what to think myself.

I just remember the days following the accident, saying that this couldn't have happened. Michael was safe. He had a helmet on and helmets and supposed to save lives. He took 3 drivers safety courses. We were supposed to have 5 uninterrupted years together. He wasn't deployed! He was home and he was safe! This couldn't have happened. I still catch myself saying that. I did it the other day. Maybe it's just my brain trying to process everything. Because I still don't believe it.

I just want him back. Life is most definitely not fair.

no words

2010-11-03T10:21:00.000-04:00

Halloween - 2009

We went to a doggie costume party.

San Diego, CA

one week

2010-10-30T11:08:00.000-04:00

I went to sleep last night thinking, that when I wake up, it will be exactly one week until the one year mark. I don't know what to think of it.
I am incredibly saddened that it's going to be one year since Michael was killed.
I am angry/sad/heartbroken that it will be 365 days since I have actually seen his face. Alive. Breathing.
Words cannot describe how the pain feels.
It's breath taking. Not in a good way.
It encompasses all of my thoughts.
Most times it knocks me off my feet and I can do nothing but crawl into the fetal position and hope to God that it is taken away.

I am proud of myself at the same time though.
I can say that I survived the first year without Michael.
I did not allow the man who killed Michael to take another life. My own.
I met some of the most amazing women that I never would have met if my situation were different.
I know who my true friends are. Which for as much as I have been hurt by finding out, I am thankful for it.

I would give everything up just to have 5 minutes with him.
I miss Michael so much. I never knew I could miss a person as much as I miss Michael.
My whole body aches for him.
But, I still do get to meet him in my dreams.
I have been so lucky to have so many vivid dreams with him.
I feel him and his love around me all the time.
Those are the things I hold onto.
That get me from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.

But it still does not take away the hurt and pain. I don't think anything will.

last year

2010-10-21T20:39:00.000-04:00

Oh what I would give to have you back.

I miss you so much Michael.

Thank God for this month. Last year.

i wish

2010-10-21T07:26:00.001-04:00

I wish Michael were here so I could tell him how fucking crazy you are.
I would tell him about all the things you said about me.

About us.

About him.

I wish I could tell Michael about you so he could kick your ass already.
Because someone needs to.
I wish I could tell Michael about you because I know he would laugh at how utterly ridiculous you are.

I thought that this morning.
Earlier than I would have liked to.
And I just cried and cried and cried.
Because it hit me.
That I have been left alone to deal with all of the crazies, the bad people, the people who are only out there to hurt you, all by myself.
And I can't tell Michael about it.
He's not here to protect me from it.
To come and save me from anything that is painful.

And then I thought, he probably already knows.
And I'm pretty sure he's laughing at you.
And I am damn sure that he has his money on me if it were ever to come down to a fight.
And I am pretty sure he is pulling strings for me - some how, to protect me.

wordless

2010-10-20T14:51:00.001-04:00

travels

2010-10-19T22:12:00.000-04:00

Long time no post. I have decided that during this month, the last month that Michael was alive, I shouldn't spend much time at home. Because when I stay at home for too long, I dig myself into such a deep depression hole, not much can get me out of it. And especially this month, I don't want to give myself too much alone time.

The first week of October, I went with my sister to Manhattan. Five years ago, after I graduated high school, we went up there for a 4 day weekend. That trip was one of the best trips I had ever taken. We had such a good time, we did what we wanted and it was the first trip with my sister as adults, so that meant we both got along really well.

Leah and I on Canal Street in 2005

This trip was a little different. Yes, we had a good time. Yes, we got along. Yes, we did what we wanted. But it was different. I couldn't help but to compare my life now to the life I had five years ago. For the majority of the past five years, things have played out the way I expected them to. Except death got in the way. I shutter at the thought of another five years. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Will I even be alive then? Thoughts like that are never good because the only thing I can see when I think of five years from now is a black hole.

First taxi ride in the city

Central Park

We even went to go see Wicked. Which is awesome btw :)

This past week I was in Dallas, TX visiting friends of ours from the Marine Corps. These guys are like my brothers and they both recently got out of the Marines and have moved to Texas. When we were stationed at Camp Pendleton, you would most likely see one of these guys at our house. It was nice to just relax and hang out with friends who have stuck it out with me. But that the same time it was strange. Michael wasn't there. When ever we would hang out before everything happened, Michael would obviously be there too. It was like I was missing half of my whole. I didn't like it. I tried to make those feelings go away, but it was hard to hide them. I did enjoy though just sitting back and listening to them talk about the Marines and military stuff. I would jump in time to time and I was so surprised at how much I actually remembered. It was good to realize that that stuff isn't gone, it's just stored away because it's not likely that I am around Marines anymore.

Now I'm home. Dreading the upcoming weeks that are leading up to the one year mark. I have no idea how that day will be. How to even approach it. I have been having anxiety about this day ever since the day everything happened. So if you have any suggestions on what to do or stories of hitting your one year mark, please comment, email, facebook, whatever! I just need to know what to do!

2010-10-12T01:21:00.000-04:00

I miss you so much. No words can describe how much I miss you. I need you. I want you.

I used to try to describe the pain, so that people can try to understand and maybe give them a better picture of what I am going through. But now I don't even know how to describe it. It has changed so much. It used to come and go. I feel like there is still a fog, but the pain comes through like a hot iron. It's such a constant feeling, I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. It's uncomfortable. It takes my breath away at times. Sometimes, when I'm doing normal everyday things, I have to stop and just lay down because it hurts so much. And sometimes, I have to stop writing because that hurts too much too.

hope

2010-10-01T23:07:00.000-04:00

Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and the night.

The hope that after you're gone from my sight,

it will not be the last time that I look upon you.

- A Knights Tale

october

2010-10-01T12:44:00.000-04:00

So this morning I went to the mall. I found out there is finally a place in Ft. Myers that does eyebrow threading! If you don't know what that is, google it. It's much much better than waxing or plucking! After sitting in a chair for 10 minutes in pain (yeah, hurts more than waxing, but sooo worth it), I decided to go to starbucks. I ordered my skinny vanilla latte like usual. I start looking around the store and I take note of all the autumn decorations up and all their advertisements for pumpkin spice lattes. It occurred to me then that today is the first day of October. The last full month that Michael was alive. My eyes automatically welled up with tears. I didn't think it would be this hard. I knew this month was coming. Hell, I even blogged about it yesterday. But today it hit me like a train.

I couldn't get out of starbucks fast enough. I had intended to look around for some new fall clothes, but I had to get out of the mall. I don't normally get upset in public... alone. If I do, it's most likely with someone else when we are talking. But I couldn't hold it together. I tired to think of things that Michael and I did this month last year. It was filled with dog parks, photo shoots, salt water aquariums, double dates, motorcycle rides, work, school, doctors appointments, exams, papers, and halloween parties. Life, last year, this month, was perfect. But no matter how much I tried to think about the good, happy things, it didn't help. I am constantly reminded that we will never have those memories and moments again.

I couldn't make it out the mall fast enough, I had to put my sunglasses on inside before it was obvious. Once I got to my car I just broke. I needed to stop and get dog food, but I couldn't. I have a feeling this month will be hell.

I miss you so much Michael.
No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
Until we meet again...

oh this season...

2010-09-30T12:42:00.000-04:00

I think as time goes on, I am slowly starting to come out of my "fog". Sometimes I am totally in the clear. I can breath, I can feel, I can realize. But soon after I have felt enough, that fog rolls in again and my mind is clouded. That's how it's been lately. I'm just here. Not feeling, not realizing, just breathing. A few days will pass by and I'll think to myself "what have I been doing the past couple of days?!". I genuinely won't remember a thing. It's like I am suspended is this life, not realizing that time is continuing.

It has become apparent to me that I am stuck. I am stuck in denial. I don't want to believe that he is gone. I still wear my wedding rings. I still say I'm married. I hate saying the word "widow". I don't feel like it fits me. Because I still feel like I am married. I have a ton of pictures of Michael and us on my walls. Sometimes I'll look at the pictures and I won't even be aware that he's gone. It's like my mind reverts back to 2008, and he is still deployed. I avoid painful things. I haven't gone to the cemetery in weeks. Michael's family put a porcelain picture of Michael on his slab of granite, and I have still yet to go see it because it just makes everything more real. I avoid talking about the lawsuit. I have been thinking about calling the San Diego Police Department to see have has been done concerning the case against the man who killed him. But I won't call, because it is too painful. I don't want this to be true. It's like I am that kid stomping her feet on the ground throwing a fit because I am not getting something I want. I want this not to be true.

It has been almost a year. It has been 328 days. I am staring at that number in disbelief. I don't want it to be that long since I have seen my love. It's now fall, the last season we spent together. It's about to be the last month that we spent together too. It breaks my heart. After November 6th, I can't say anymore "Well, last year we did this...".

I think fall was always our favorite season. It was always when marching band was in full swing with football games and competitions. Fall meant the Marine Corps Ball. Pumpkin spice lattes. Hot chocolate. Spending hours on end outside with the dogs. Halloween. Thanksgiving. When Michael was deployed, it always meant that the end was near. Wearing hoodies and sweaters. Snuggling. I miss this season meaning something good. Now, it's just another season that is here without Michael. This is the first season that I have been aware that it's another season without him. It sucks. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

I miss you so much.

tag, i'm it!

2010-09-27T21:05:00.000-04:00

My friend Sarah has tagged me, so I feel as if I must complete her survey and follow suit. So here it is!

1. If you could only eat one food item for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

I think it would be sushi (as long as it's free, and good quality). It is one type of food that I don't think I could get tired of.

2. What is your greatest accomplishment in life up until this point that it not milspouse related?

Ughh... well I guess it would be restarting my life, sort of. I guess picking up the pieces of my life and trying to put them back together in a way that makes sense.

3. To iphone or not to iphone, that is the question.

YES! To iPhone. I love my iPhone.

4. If you could be any television character, who would you want to be and why?

Sookie Stackhouse. If you watch True Blood, you probably want to be Sookie as well. Her life is exciting, she can read minds, she's gorgeous, and she is a genuinely nice person

5. If they made a movie about your life, what would it be called and what actor would play you?

Oh my gosh... Who knows.

6. Describe yourself using only three words.

lover, skeptic, creative

7. What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Not a whole lot, I am trying to stay away from sweets.

8. Tell me something that not a lot of people know about you.

I hate facebook.

And now I must think of 8 questions and tag 8 people to join in on the fun!

1. If you could have lunch with any famous person who would it be and why?
2. Describe your dream house.
3. If you could start your life all over again, would you change anything? why or why not?
4. When you were growing up, what did you want to be?
5. What are your favorite stores to shop at?
6. What is your favorite holiday?
7. Describe your perfect day.
8. Please list your favorite TV show, movie, and band.

And now for my victoms....
1. My Widow BFF Rachel
2. Stacey @ Don't Stop Believin'
3. Ally @ Just me vs the world
4. Mandy @ Loving, Living, and Learning
5. Natasha @ Our Paid Pleasures
6. Kim @ Home is with you
7. Brooke @ It's Toner Time
8. and that's it!!

not so wordless wednesday

2010-09-22T18:20:00.000-04:00

Michael's promotion to Sergeant

January 2009

He chose me to pin him, which is a huge honor for a military wife.

Finally, a man's wallet!

If you are not too familiar with my etsy shop, you know I only make women's accessories.

So it was pretty cool for me when I came out with a man's wallet.

There is only one, so hurry up!

Click here to view my store!

Also, I wanted to take some time to thank Mrs. Muffins for my beautiful blog layout! She did a wonderful job and if you are wanting to spruce up your blog, definitely hook up with her. You will definitely be happy with the outcome. Thank you so much Nicole!

Anyway, sorry for the lack of posts. Right now I am in my own little bubble of denial. The one year mark is approaching faster than what I am comfortable with. This year has gone by much faster than what I am comfortable with. Right now I am dealing with things that I don't want to deal with, but I know if I don't deal with them know, it will come out later on and who knows how that will surface. So right now I am just approaching everything the only way I know how, one moment at a time. That is all.

wordless wednesday

2010-09-15T01:11:00.002-04:00

right hand

2010-09-14T12:08:00.001-04:00

So I am mostly right handed.

But I am slightly ambidextrous.

I can eat with my left hand.

I can type with my left hand. (I am doing it now)

When I used to play softball, I would bat left handed.

I can drive with my left hand.

I just can't write so well with my left hand.

That's why I say I am slightly ambidextrous.

Nonetheless, I am right handed.

Losing Michael is like someone chopping off my right hand.

Without it I would have a really hard time, but I think I could learn to get by.

Right now, I am having a really hard time, but I think I could learn to get by.

Adapt.

Overcome.

where were you?

2010-09-11T22:23:00.003-04:00

September 11th, 2001.

I was a freshmen in high school. I was in my 3rd period class - symphonic band. Michael was in this class with me. We were just beginning to warm up when the principal came on the loud speaker. He said something about an accident taking place in NYC. It was just an accident, there was nothing to really worry about. So once the announcements were over, we continued to play. We were in the midst of marching band season, so practicing was crucial. Not too long after the first announcement, the principal came back on and made another announcement to say that the other tower had been hit. He advised all the teachers to turn on the TVs, so Mr. H (our band director) did so. He was an ex Marine, so he knew that this was no accident. He told us to look at the clock, because you will remember this moment for the rest of our lives. I remember not going to lunch, I just stayed in the band room, watching the news with everyone else. I had to go to my next class. I just remember a lot of people having their parents pick them up from school. Michael and his mom used to drive me to and from school everyday (we lived down the street from each other), so I remember meeting up with him to find out if he was getting picked up early; he wasn't so we stayed. 9/11 was a Tuesday, so I am not sure if band practice was canceled or not. We had practice every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, games on Fridays and competitions on Saturdays.

Things were different after 9/11. It was in large part, why Michael joined the Marine Corps. It was definitely why he went to Iraq. I remember when Michael was home for his first R&R, we went and saw World Trade Center with a group of friends. During the entire movie I just cried and cried and cried. I knew that because of 9/11, that's why Michael was over there. 9/11 changed a lot in my eyes.

It's different for me now though, I feel that pain now. I feel the pain of losing someone I love so much. I know how those who have lost someone feel and have felt.

Ground Zero - Taken June 2005

‎"Now, we have inscribed a new memory alongside those others. It’s a memory of tragedy and shock, of loss and mourning. But not only of loss and mourning. It’s also a memory of bravery and self-sacrifice, and the love that lays down its life for a friend–even a friend whose name it never knew. “

-President George W. Bush

Never Forget

acceptance

2010-09-09T11:10:00.001-04:00

One thing that I have learned so far in the past 10 months (yes, it's been 10 freakin months already) is that I have yet to accept Michael's death. I have not come to terms with it. I have yet to make peace. I still think that he is coming back. I can't wrap my head around forever. It's extremely frustrating because I don't want it to be true, to the very core of me, I do not want this to be real. But I don't want to feel this way anymore either. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night searching for Michael anymore. I don't want to have to periodically google his name to read old new articles to convince myself, that this is real. I guess I just want to believe it. I hate that it is like this. I hate that this is it.

At times when I don't want to believe it, I almost feel like that kid who sticks their fingers in their ears and shuts their eyes closed so tight and just yells "LALALALA". It's ridiculous but when I think about myself and not wanting to accept this, that's how I envision it. I know it's there, but if I try really hard not to see it or hear it, then it must not be real.

If you know me on a personal level, you know that I hate hate hate talking about that day. The day that "everything happened", as I describe it. If you go back to my very first blog post on here, you'll see that I didn't even want to talk about. I am pretty sure that most of my family nor friends know my side of that day. So I couple of months ago, I sat down one night and I wrote about it. I wrote every detail that I remembered and I submitted it to the American Widow Project website to be featured. Yesterday, it was posted and it was sort of a relief to have others be able to read about it. To have my friends, who I have met through the AWP, finally be able to know about our story, because many of my friends don't know. If you want to read it for yourself, you can go here, there are also a lot of other stories that were written by other amazing military widows. I hate that there is such a thing as a military widow, but the AWP is such an amazing place for us to be.

Here is a side noteee... If you read my story, you'll read the part where I told the Chaplain that I don't believe in God. I do, I do believe in God, I do believe in Heaven and I believe that Michael is there. But at the time, I did not want to believe that a God, who is supposed to love and protect, took away my husband. I didn't want to think that the God I knew and loved could destroy both of our lives, our future, everything. So please, I know it may be hard if you feel passionately about religion and God, but throw yourself into a life shattering situation, and you too, will be questioning everything about him. I do believe that there is a God, I do go to church, but I do still question why Michael, why us. I still don't understand it but I know that when it's my time, I will know why.

another week, another sunday

2010-09-05T11:12:00.001-04:00

Well I haven't done one of these "getting to know you sunday" surveys in a while. And since I am here, and it's Sunday and I have nothing really better to do, I figured I would go ahead and fill it out. If you want to get the questions for yourself please visit here and follow the directions.

1. Do you like seafood?

I really LOVE seafood. I think I could eat seafood just about everyday for the rest of my life.

2. Are mermaids hot?

Sure

3. Have you swam in the ocean?

I have, can't really swim, but I have tried

4. If you got stung by a jellyfish, would you let a stranger pee on you?

It depends on how bad it hurt.

5. Have you ever pee'd in the ocean?

Who hasn't?

6. Can you make a cute fish face? (Show a pic..if you want)

Nope.

7. When you see the lobster tank at the grocery store do you just have this overwhelming urge to set them free or cook them up?

Depends on how hungry I am. I mostly want to eat them.

8. Are you afraid of sharks?

Who isn't?!

Also, just in case you were wondering, my cat is still alive. I don't think I have the guts to release her into the wild and make her a free kitty. I have to remember that she was Michael and I's first fur baby. Plus, she's pretty cute.

effing cat

2010-09-04T23:09:00.005-04:00

98% of the time, I love my cat. The other 2% of the time, I fucking hate her. In my kitchen, above my cabinets, I have a space in between the top of the cabinets and the ceiling - I have no idea what it is called - but it's there, and I decorated it with stuff. Mostly empty bottles of wine Michael and I have shared. Two little bottles of champagne that I saved from our wedding. Decorative pictures. A big letter "M". I even hung Christmas lights up there, they look really good at night.

So why am I talking about the damn space in between my cabinets and ceiling and what does it have to do with my fucking cat?! Well my little princess loves to be a cat and run along my very nicely placed emptied wine bottles, for none other reason than being a fucking cat. Well tonight she was up there, like usual, and I was about to sit down to edit some pictures for some newly finished purses I just made, all until I heard a big CRASH! The fucking cat knocked something down. I figured it was a bottle. I thought it's ok, as long as it's not the really important one. I have quiet a few up there. She already broke the second most important bottle a few months ago - a bottle of wine we swiped from Michael's homecoming Marine Corps Ball. She wouldn't have broken the most important bottle up there.

I ran into my kitchen, I saw a broken mess, I was immediately angry. I doubled back, ran into the garage to grab my latter. The little bitch was still up there. I got the latter, I tried to grab her by the nape of the neck, no luck. I wanted to ring her neck, but no luck. As I was getting off the latter, I look over to my stove. My brand new Samsung stove that I bought when I moved into my house. My stove that costs just about $1000.... There is a fucking crater in the glass top. I started bawling. I'm trying to do this. I am trying to do this on my own. And this fucking cat. AHHH!!!!!! I screamed.

Whhhyyyy does this shit happen? Hasn't karma already had its fun with me?! This is just one more thing that I do not want to deal with. But whatever, its just a stove top. It can be replaced. However, an empty bottle of wine you shared with your dead husband, cannot.

Oh yes, that bottle of wine. That bottle of wine that we shared on our second wedding anniversary BROKE. That fucking cat (that we pick out 3 years ago this month) broke the one and only wine bottle that I cared about. Frei Brothers Chardonnay - 2007. The cheapest bottle of white at The Melting Pot. We felt cool ordering a whole bottle of wine. When the server brought over the bottle and poured a little bit for Michael to taste it, he acted out all the things a wine professional might do. Yes, he swirled the glass, and he smelled it. Did he know what he was looking for - nope. But he did it anyway. He said it was fine and we drank it. It definitely was not the best wine I have ever had, but sharing it with Michael only made it so much sweeter. When I realized it was that bottle of wine I screamed again. I walked into my living room and just fell on to the floor bawling my eyes out. I am still in tears. And for a few minutes I wanted to kill my cat. I even went looking for her. She better be thanking her lucky stars that I did not find her.

It's probably not good that I put so much value on things like that. But how can you not? Any other normal married couple can just go to the store, buy the same exact stupid bottle of wine, pop it open and drink it together. We can't. Never again will we be able to celebrate a wedding anniversary and share another stupid cheap bottle of wine again. So the moral of the story here is... don't get a cat, they are evil and they will break your important things.

the hurt

2010-09-04T00:19:00.001-04:00

There are no words tonight. I guess you can say it has just been "one of those days". Worthlessness. Helplessness. Longing. Missing. D all of the above. I just miss you Michael. This can't be real.

“There is one pain I often feel, which you will never know. It is cause by the absence of you.” -unknown

“Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime.” -unknown

“What will survive of us is love” -Philip Larkin

I love you my Tayte.

live

2010-09-02T14:02:00.002-04:00

One thing that I am continuously reminded of doing ever since Michael died is to live again. To somehow find my way. Besides losing Michael, it is one of the hardest things I think I have to do. Why do I deserve to live and enjoy life when Michael lost his? Why him and not me? Why do I get to do the things that both he and I wanted to together?

I feel guilty. But there are definitely two sides to this coin. Part of me wants to waste away in bed. To never venture out and experience life. But the other part of me wants to do it all because Michael can't. That maybe through me, he can experience it too. That just because Michael can't live for himself anymore, that's even more reason for me to live for the both of us.

I've started out with baby steps. I think my first step in living again was at the first American Widow Project event in January. Doing little things here and there. Buying our house. Renting that beach condo for our anniversary. Starting up my etsy business. Taking a road trip. The last thing I did was go to another AWP event to Savannah, GA. I stepped out of my comfort zone, I took a leap of faith and I did something, not only for myself but for Michael too.

I meet new friends. I got closer to old friends. I talked about Michael. I shared his life with others. I PARASAILED. I went to a dueling piano bar. I laughed. I cried. I helped out others. I released a Thai wish lantern. I shared our story with others. I grew. I made a step forward.

Last weekend, I stepped out and I lived again. Not just for me, but for Michael too.

wordless wednesday

2010-09-01T15:12:00.000-04:00

Got this idea from a friend of mine.

August 2006. R&R - Fort Myers, FL

Happy Birthday Michael... part 2

2010-08-24T12:53:00.003-04:00

Michael would have been 24 today. So I stole this idea from a friend of mine and wrote 24 memories and things about Michael. I wanted to share it on here.

24 Things About Michael Martins

Our first kiss took place on January 18th, 2005. I don’t remember which date it was. Maybe the second or third. I am not too sure what we did on this date. All I remember is that we went to Barns and Noble in Fort Myers on 41. We walked around, held hands, looked at books, got some coffee. When we were leaving Michael opened up the passenger car door of the Avalon for me but he opened it half way, stood in front of me and kissed me. It was by far the best first kiss either of us had ever experienced.
One of the reasons why we never dated in high school was because of his feet. My freshmen year, his sophomore year, we were walking out to the parent pick up in the front of the school and as we were walking, I looked down and I saw his feet (he was wearing flip flops) and in that moment I thought to myself, “I will never date Michael Martins”.
During Michael’s senior year, when he was dating that one floozie, I was dating someone else as well. Michael had a class with my ex-boyfriend and he noticed that my ex was flirting big time with another girl. So when Michael saw me in the band room that day he rushed over to me to tell me that my boyfriend was cheating on me. It caused me and my ex to break up. I always remembered this while we were together, that if Michael could consider flirting the same thing as cheating, then I had nothing to worry about.
The very first bus ride for band of my freshmen year, Michael and I sat together in the front seat.
Our very first date, Michael took me to Junkanoos on the Beach. I was so nervous to eat in front of him that all I ordered was a caesar salad. After dinner, we decided that we didn’t want to go home just yet, so we walked down the beach. We walked all the way to the pier and back talking about his boot camp experiences and my senior year and college plans. We still didn’t want to go home after that so we went and played pool at Hustlers in Cape Coral off of Santa Barbara. I remember that the avalon’s radio wasn’t working so he had a boom box in the back seat playing Disturbed.
When Michael gave me my promise ring for Christmas before he left on his first deployment, he spilled the beans about what he got me before he gave it to me. We were on the phone (I was at my dad’s and he was at his parents) and he said to me “So my dad really likes the ring” and I said “what? what ring?”, he then tried to make up some story about how he had this old ring and his dad really liked it. I later confirmed that this was indeed the promise ring he had got for me.
Not only did he spill the beans about my promise ring, but he also told me about proposing to me before he actually did. The day that he asked me to marry him, we got in a fight. A bad one, and I told him to leave my house and not come back. Out of anger he told me that he just wasted thousands of dollars on a ring and making arrangements to propose to me that night and he didn’t know how he would explain everything to his parents. Obviously, we made up, but I knew the entire time what was up.
Michael was the accomplice for my surprise 18th birthday party.
On my 22nd birthday, me, Michael and our friends when out to Pacific Beach in San Diego. We all got really wasted and at the end of the night we were walking a friend of mine home but Michael got split up from our group. I couldn’t find him anywhere. He wasn’t answering his phone or anything. Eventually we found him laying on the ground next to an elementary school. It was so scary, but so funny at the same time.
Michael and one of his friends literally played video games for 10 hours straight one day.
The first party we ever had at our house Michael got completely wasted. And it was only 5 in the afternoon. He was the reason why everyone left :(
On Michael’s 21st birthday, he got so drunk that he tried to jump in a fire, slapped a man’s ass, spit water at me, broke a martini glass, peed his pants and barfed on the side of the road on the way home. All within 2 hours of being out.
Another reason why I did not date Michael in high school... We had a band competition up in Orlando (Bands of America to be exact) and we stayed over night in a hotel. During this particular time, Michael and I were “talking” and we definitely both liked each other. Well one night everyone went swimming. And I saw Michael with his shirt off. He had a hairy chest. I immediately stopped talking to him.
Freshmen year of high school, everyone in band did secret santa. Well Michael was my secret santa. And he gave me a bunch of business clothes his mom had purchased for his brother’s ex girlfriend. Let’s just say that they found a nice home at goodwill.
Michael always said that if he could be any animal at all, he would be a barn owl.
The first Marine Corps Ball Michael and I went to was in Vegas (the second time we started dating) at the Orleans hotel and casino. After driving for 6 hours from Camp Pendleton to Vegas we checked in, Michael quickly realized that they gave us the wrong room. We were supposed to have a room with a king size bed, but we got a room with two queen beds. Well in a very Michael-like fashion, Michael went back to the front desk to try to get our correct room. The front desk person realized that they had given away our room. He felt bad so he upgraded us for free. Michael ran up to our room quickly packed out stuff up and we went to our new room. Our new room was on the top floor and you needed the key to put in the elevator to press the top floor button. Once you get to the top floor there are golden gates that block all of the different hallways. So Michael put the key in the golden gate, it opened and we found our room. This room was amazing! It had a living room, a kitchen, a huge dining table, 4 tv’s, a huge bed, and a huge bathroom.
Michael loved to grill. The very first time Michael ever used our grill he cooked chicken. We didn’t have a propane grill, we had a charcoal grill that Michael had never really used before. Well he throws the chicken on when the coals are still on fire. I guess he thought the chicken was done once the entire outside of it was burnt black. Well I bit into that first piece of chicken my husband had ever grilled for us and I quickly realized that it was raw on the inside. I panicked and told Michael and he needed to put all the chicken back on the grill because it wasn’t done. He insisted that it was fine. That chicken was like stake, it was cooked in different temperatures. Like rare, medium, and well done.
On Michael’s second deployment, him and one of his friends grappled for a free pair of boots. Michael lost. And after he lost, he realized that the boots wouldn't have fit him anyway.
When ever Michael was in the car, he always had to have the music up really loud. He was usually playing either Metalica, Tool, Jack Johnson, or Incubus. And whenever Michael was driving he would ALWAYS play his imaginary guitar on the steering wheel. On certain songs he would replay a certain part over and over again just to get the beat and the melody right.
Michael would sometimes come to class with me. Well he came to my first day of classes of my sophomore year at FAU. It was ok because all of my classes that day were huge, so no one would call or him or make him feel weird because he wasn’t supposed to be there. Well in my food and nutrition class, a 200 + class, the professor wanted to get to know her students. So she had all of us go one by one tell her our names, major, year in school, and why were were taking this class. So Michael was Riley Martins a freshman nursing major. And he was taking this class because he was interested in nutrition and because it was a requirement for the nursing program.
When our dog Koby hurt one of his hind legs and we thought that he would need surgery to correct it, Michael wanted to give him back to the rescue we got him from because he didn’t want to have a broken dog.
Michael emailed our FRO (family readiness officer) to see if she could get us tickets to see a Chargers football game. She was usually great at hooking us up with tickets to different things in San Diego so he thought he would give it a try.
When it came to going out to eat with Michael I always had to be conscious about what I ordered. It either had to be the same thing as Michael or something I knew he wouldn’t order himself. Because if it was something he liked, half of my food was sure to go missing.
When Michael and I were reciting our vows to one another we both messed up on the same word. I don’t remember what word it was, but I knew that both of us messed it up. I remember I had to have the guy marrying us repeat it just so I could get it correctly.

Michael's 21st Birthday - before he got ridiculous!

His drink list (from what I remember)

1. Beers from earlier that day

2. Heineken (from what you see in the picture)

3. AFM

4. Jack and Coke

5. Irish Car bombs

6. Vodka Martini

7. Long Island Icetea

8. Vodka shots

And I am pretty sure that was it. :)

Happy Birthday Michael

2010-08-24T00:50:00.000-04:00

It's midnight. August 24th. Michael's 24th Birthday. I feel like this day is harder than I could have imagined. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like he is gone. How can it be? How can my love, my life be dead?

I made a picture video thing for his birthday. It's beautiful. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I did a pretty sweet job on it. I am trying to put it on youtube, but it's huge - 20 minutes long, so I have to chop it up and post it in 2 or 3 separate videos. I didn't really have a hard time putting the video together. I looked at it more like a job. I felt like it was necessary. To take a look at the life of an amazing man. So I made this video on an objective stand point. I looked at the pictures and videos like an outsider.

Well this evening family and friends got together to celebrate Michael's birthday and this is where I showed the video. I made it a point to watch the video a few times through before watching it with everyone else. I don't like to catch myself off guard and get too over emotional, even though it has happened a few times. I don't like to come unglued around other people. So I watched it tonight with the people we love without becoming a mess. However, I couldn't resist watching it another time once I got home. That's when I lost it. I just sat there staring at this curation of photos and videos of my husband and thinking to myself that there is no way that this man is gone. I miss him sooo much. Just like words can't describe the love I feel for Michael, no words can describe the pain/longing and missing I feel for him.

I think we did him proud :)

I am not sure what I am actually going to do when I get up. I know I want to celebrate this day. Staying in bed would not be appropriate for the occasion. I feel like out of all the significant days, this is one to celebrate. I want thinking of taking Koby to the beach. Maybe. It is supposed to rain for the rest of the week, so we'll see. If that doesn't work out them maybe I'll go and see a movie I know Michael and I would have enjoyed together. And yes, I'll most likely do it by myself. Maybe. We'll see. Hopefully by this time tomorrow I'll be able to not only post Michael's video but I will be able to report back on having a good day tomorrow.

I love you so much my Tayte. Thank you for being the man you are because I wouldn't be the woman I am today without you. If anyone were to ask me, "would you do it all over again knowing the outcome?" I would look them straight in the eye and tell him that I wouldn't even think twice about it. I would do it in a heart beat. You are the love of my life. You inspire me to continue to live, I'm not doing it for me anymore, I'm doing it for you. Happy Birthday my love. I love you. I miss you. And I cannot wait until we are reunited again some sweet day.

heaven

2010-08-18T19:54:00.000-04:00

I had a dream about you last night and you kissed me. For those few precious moments I was in my own personal heaven.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

that point

2010-08-14T22:13:00.001-04:00

Has it come to that point?
Where people don't want to talk about Michael anymore?
When the only time his name is spoken is then it comes out of my mouth.
And when I do say his name or tell a story, it's quickly passed over with other conversation.
That point when I feel guilty for bringing up his name and making others feel uncomfortable.
Has Michael become that taboo subject that no one can bear to talk about anymore?
Or if he is talked about, it's done so in a hushed manor.

Has it come to that time when people question me for being in a bad mood?
When people start talking to me about making the most out of life. That life is too short not to be happy.
Where I feel like I have to put on a facade when I am around others, just so I'm not questioned.
That point when it's not even worth interacting with other humans because the only thing I want to do is scream "I'M A WIDOW AND YOU ARE STUPID!"
And when people start telling me about how horrible their life is.

It is that time.
I feel like there is this internal battle going on.
I feel like my heart is breaking even more.
One of my biggest fears is slowly coming true.
I have never wanted Michael to get pushed in the shadows and I feel like that's exactly what's happening.

Nine

2010-08-07T20:01:00.001-04:00

Long time no post. I am writing this blog post from my iPhone so please excuse any typos or confusing grammar. I am currently in Kansas visiting my dad and all of my siblings are here. 6 of us total. I haven't had much time to myself to write let alone think. Which is a good thing.

Yesterday was the 6th. That makes it 9 months. Damn. I could have had a baby by now. 9 months is long but in the grand scheme of things it's only a drop in the ocean. It still blows my mind.

Today my dad, step mom and I drove to Oklahoma City to meet Michael's best friend Travis. He lives in Dallas so it was a perfect meeting point - half way in between Wichita and Dallas. It was so good to see a familiar face from my old life. I must admit though, it's so odd hanging out with Michael's friends without Michael around. It just reminded me that everything I once knew is gone. That nothing will be the same.

I long so desperately to hold a hand. To be told "I love you" from someone other than family. To kiss. To feel comfortable. To smile at someone. To feel like I have a future. But not just with anyone. I want this person to be Michael. I would kill for it to be Michael. We had it all figured out and in a split second it was gone and over.

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about Michael. The contents vary from babies to second weddings to Michael dying again. I love dreaming about him. I love that in my dreams I get to see him and feel him again but at the same time I feel like it's a tease. He's gone but I get to meet him for the night. It's not fair. I almost want the dreams to stop because they hurt just as much as they feel good. I either want to wake up from this horrible dream or go back into my dream world and live with Michael forever.

Ugh. 9 months.

Michael's birthday is at the end of this month. I want to do something but I'm not sure what to do. Suggestions are welcome.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

i will not forget you

2010-07-29T14:58:00.000-04:00

The truest words of all.

I will not forget you.

You are the waking thought,

my sweetest memories, my dearest dreams.

I will not forget you.

You have touched my soul, opened my eyes,

changed me very experience of the universe.

I will not forget you. I see you in the flowers,

the sunset, the sweep of the horizon,

and all things that stretch to infinity.

I will not forget you.

I have carved you on the palm of my hand.

I carry you with me forever.

-Ellen Sue Stern

2010-07-29T00:24:00.000-04:00

Well I haven't written in 10 days. I don't really have much to write about I guess. Usually, before I write on here, I have a burning itch to write something. It's almost like I feel like I am going to be sick. That some way, if I don't get it out I am going to end up vomiting all over myself... or someone else. But if I can get to my computer when I have this stirring idea, I can successfully vomit in a toilet. :) Thank you blog for being my toilet.

I don't know where I am at right now. I haven't really cried in a few days. I cried over the weekend here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, those times that I cried was more like tearing up compared to the way I cry when I am alone. I feel like I am going back into that numbness again. That horrible fog that widows who are further out describe with a hint of annoyance. It really sucks not being able to feel anything. It's frustrating. I hate it.

However, this time is a little different. I do tend to get those breakthrough moments when I feel it. Where it hits me like a cannon ball. My blood catches on fire and I can't breathe. Michael is dead. I am not sure what triggers it, but it is happening more frequently. I wish it wouldn't happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want this to be real.

Lately, I have been trying to remember a lot of the things I have forgotten in the beginning. My brain shut down, allowed my body to go through the motions, it cushioned me from feeling the full amount of pain one should feel after losing their spouse. I don't remember much of anything. I remember bits and pieces but not the full picture. I don't understand my intense curiosity as to what all happened during the first few months after Michael was killed. But I want to know them. I need to know. So if you know anything... please describe in a comment.

Well that is all I have for now. If I feel the need to vomit, I know where to come to.

sunday, again.

2010-07-18T22:56:00.000-04:00

1. If you had to choose a country to live in besides USA (or the country you live in), which would it be?

Probably somewhere in Europe, and it wouldn't really be a country, I would sort of go where ever the wind takes me.

2. Which would be worse, wearing flip flops in the snow or wearing gloves in the summer?

I think wearing flip flops in the snow. I am not a snow person, so the thought of subjecting my toes to the freezing cold sounds like torture compared to wearing gloves in the summer.

3. Fried or Bake and why?

Baked. Healthier... I think.

4. If you were an entertainment reporter, which celeb would you love to interview and why?

Robert Pattinson... helllloooo... no explanation needed

5. What was your favorite book as a preteen/teenager?

I didn't really read much during high school. Except for one book, which was Looking for Alaska by John Green. It was pretty good. I read it cover to cover in one day. I bawled like a baby too.

6. List your top 3 guilty pleasure television shows.

Real Housewives... of whatever city, The Office, and True Blood :)

7. What bumper sticker slogan best describes you/your attitude/your life?

"watch out for motorcycles"

8. If you were to join a circus - what performer would you be?

I don't know, I have never really been to a circus.

projects

2010-07-14T19:08:00.001-04:00

So today I took a break from my etsy stuff. There have been a few projects that I have started for my house but I have put on the back burner due to starting up my etsy business. I have plans for every wall in my house. It's just a matter of finding the motivation/time/means to actually go through with what I have planned.

For starters, I found one of those awesome vinyl wall quotes at a craft store. The quote says it all! I also found this picture frame set on sale at Kohls. When I laid my eyes on it, I knew I had to have it! It was the last one left so I really lucked out. I already knew I wanted to do something like this for this particular wall. It's the first wall you look at when you walk into my house. I always wanted to have a wall dedicated to our photo shoot that we had in Balboa Park in San Diego. I really love how it turned out.

The next project I finished I actually thought of doing today. I have a 4th room in my house that can either be another bedroom or an office/den. When I first saw the house, even before I decided on buying it, I said that this room was going to be a "Michael room". I plan on making this room an area that I can display our achievements. I always wanted to do this to our office in our apartment, but I held off on doing anything because we planned on either renting or buying a house soon and I didn't want to put a bunch of holes in the wall if we were going to move soon.

Anyway, back to the "Michael room"... I was inspired when I was in the Lee County Tax Collector's office changing the title of our cars into my name, changing the address on my license, and to get new tags for the cars. I wanted to get a gold star tag and a Marine Corps tag. It was a struggle for me to get the gold star tag. They didn't want to give it to be because Michael did not die while he was in a war zone. However, technically he did die in the line of duty. Which at that point, you are considered a "gold star family". A lot of people mistake this title only being reserved for families who have someone die in combat. I don't take well to being discriminated because of how Michael died. It's the same result. He still came home in a coffin. He still had a funeral will full military honorers. He still fought for our country. Just because some old man took his life and not a terrorist shouldn't put me in a different arena separated from other Military Widows. I argued my point, the lady helping me agreed with me but she still needed to speak with two managers and call the state twice, just to verify. I proudly walked out of that office with a gold star tag in my hands. :)

ANYWAY... sorry for my rant... While I was sitting in the office, I was thinking of what I could do with the old tags. I always considered it an accomplishment for us to own two cars, FULLY paid off by the time we were 20. Not many 20 year olds can say the same. So after I left the tax collector's office, I went to a craft store and got a shadow box and two picture frames.... and this is the finished product....

The both of the pictures were taken after we got the cars. The one on the top, we bought just before we were married. We used it as our wedding "get away" car. :) The bottom picture was Michael right after we bought the Maxima. He was so proud of that car. He used the money he earned from his first deployment the purchase it.

If you know me, you know that I don't like to throw anything of Michael's out. I get anxiety when I think of throwing anything out. I'm not sure why but I do. As you can see I haven't done much with this room and it is a bit of a mess.

The last project I did today was one that I had already started in my room. I was inspired by Carrie Bradshaw's room in the first Sex In The City movie after she revamped her room.

I love all of the different picture frames over her bed and I wanted to do something like that in my room. It's not exactly the same. I decided to use all different shapes and sizes of picture frames. I am happy with the way this is turned out. I am not close to being done though. I would like to cover this whole wall with pictures. :) Here is the progress so far...

The more and more I decorate my house, I feel more and more in love with it. At first, I kind of felt like buying this house was a mistake. I kind of felt like I rushed into it. I mean this house was the SECOND house I looked at. I just kept remembering the feeling I felt when I first walked into the house. I knew that Michael would love it and I felt him the most in this house. So I went with my gut. And now, finally after 4 months of owning this hunk of concrete, I am starting to love it.

getting to know you sunday-funday!

2010-07-11T14:49:00.000-04:00

Ok so I didn't do last weeks getting to know you Sunday. I am in a better mood this Sunday so I figured I would take advantage of it. :)

Here is the link if you want to join in on the fun too!

1. What is YOUR definition of sexy?

Smart, funny, classy, and confident

2. Would you rather clean up puke or change a poopy diaper?

umm... puke. I had to clean up shit diapers for the summer of 2008 while training to get my CNA license and I have never smelled anything like that before. I would rather not have to do it again.

3. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Introvert mostly.

4. If you had to give up one of your 5 senses for a year..which one would you give up?

Sense of taste. There is no point in eating the bad-for-you stuff if you can't taste it!

5. Cake or Pie?

Depends

6. If you could play any character on TV (old or current) who would you play?

SOOKIE STACKHOUSE!

7. My favorite website is.....?

ETSY! visit my shop www.sdallie.etsy.com :)

8. The highlight of my day is....?

Selling something from my etsy store :) OK now go and make a girl smile :)

new motto

2010-07-10T11:17:00.000-04:00

"the moment you stop seeking validation from any influence outside yourself is the moment you truly begin to live. let no one tell you who you are- define yourself"

dress

2010-07-09T10:36:00.000-04:00

See, I have this dress. The first and the last time I wore this dress, it was brand new. I ordered it off of urban outfitters.com and it was fresh out of it's little plastic bag. Never worn before. The dress was a black and gray cotton dress with houndstooth (if you don't know what that means, google it) print. The first and last day I wore the dress I wore it with a black cardigan and black tights and a pair of black flats. I didn't realize it when I put this outfit together, that it would be so fitting for the events of the day.

The first and the last time I wore this dress was the day that Michael died.

Right now, I have the dress sitting in a pile of clothes that I will take to good will. I am tempted to take the dress out of the pile. I don't feel right about giving it away. It's not only the dress I wore the day Michael was killed, it was also the last thing he saw me in. The last piece of clothes I kissed my husband in. So although, I'll never wear it again, I think I will hang onto it for a while.

2010-07-07T13:21:00.000-04:00

"What would Michael want you to do?"

I've been asked this question several times in my short 8 months of being a widow. This question usually followed questions about me dating again or getting remarried down the road or suggestions of everything being ok because I am so young.

"You're only 23 right? You're so young, this won't last for very long, you'll find someone else."

My response usually goes something like this... "Thank you, but I knew at 18 years old that I didn't want anyone else but Michael. I was 20 when we said our "I do's". I knew then that I only wanted to be with Michael for the rest of my life and just because he physically isn't here anymore, doesn't change that."

Their response is usually something like this... "Well what do you think Michael would want you to do? Don't you think he would want you to be happy?"

I am always stumped at this question. Because I honestly don't know what Michael would want me to do. How he would want me to live my life without him here beside me. We never discussed this. Not even before he took off on his two combat deployments. Michael refused to write his will. He said he didn't want to jinx himself. He wanted to be optimistic about coming home. So the discussion of what to do in the event of his passing was never brought up, not once. The only thing I do know is what he would want me to do if he were still here.

Finish school, be something bigger than myself, buy a house, take care of our animals, travel, experience life. I am trying to do those things as best as I can. The only thing I left out of that list is have children. If he were still alive that would probably be at the top of the list. There isn't a point to have it on there anymore.

Those people who ask me "what would Michael want you to do" want me to say "move on, find love again, find another man, get married". They don't want to see a 23 year old widow and they think that me finding another husband will fix me. I'm broken and there isn't anyone but Michael who can fix me. A man, now, isn't going to bring me happiness. I believe that living my life in the way that we had intended to live our lives together is what's going to bring me happiness.

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

quick sand

2010-07-04T00:15:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to write anything lately. I don't know why. I guess my head is just full of junk and I can't seem to muddle my way through anything. I have been kind of going through the motions of life lately. Just allowing myself to be pulled ever which way.

I feel like I am sinking fast into a pool of quick sand. I feel like my grief is swallowing me whole. I don't even know which way is up anymore. I don't know the difference between right and wrong. I don't know anything anymore. I don't understand anything. All I know is that this sand is coming up fast and it is beginning to suffocate me. It's already got my arms trapped. It is slowly creeping up my chest and neck. Pretty soon it will be filling my mouth, ears and nose. But it won't matter because it is already hard to breathe.

Most of the time I am able to take my mind away from things. I have become good at busy work. Like working on my etsy stuff. Surrounding myself with people. Reading. I have realized that I could probably make a lot of money being an actress. It's not that I am being fake with anyone - it's just that I am able to act - put on a face for everyone. But it's exhausting. But I hide it so much to the point of where I have dreams of screaming and crying my eyes out.

I don't even know how to deal with my own self. Let alone anyone else's issues. I don't know why, but people seem to think that I am an ok person for them to come to with their problems. Maybe because I've been through hell and back, I might have some personal wisdom to share. I don't know. I don't get it. I wish it would just stop. I wish everything would just stop. I wish it all would have stopped 8 months ago.

it's that day AGAIN!

2010-06-27T13:37:00.001-04:00

1.If you had 5000.00 to spend on plastic surgery what would you have done?

Boobs. New boobs please.

2. Do you watch Soap operas and if so what is your favorite and why?

No. I really don't watch too much TV. But if you can consider Real Housewives a soap opera then that would be my favorite.

3. Favorite clothing brand?

Banana Republic, Anthropology, Free People, anything from Nordstrom Rack, Marshalls, TJ Maxx, or Target.

4. An afternoon shopping spree at your favorite store or maid service for a year?

MAID SERVICE PLEASE!

5. would you ever vajazzle?

What the freak is a vajazzle. Sounds nasty. No thanks.

6. Favorite Disney Princess?

The chick from sleeping beauty

7. Last movie that made you bawl your eyes out?

I am not sure. I haven't watched any sad movies recently. I try to avoid them. But I did get kind of upset during New Moon.

8. Have you ever broken any bones and if so what?

Nope. Thank goodness.

run away

2010-06-25T01:48:00.000-04:00

Lately my head has been mush. What's new? I can't seem to sort out my thoughts. And I hate that. I go through these cycles. Numb. Dumb. Angry. Pissed. Annoyed at everything. Sad. Always depressed.

I hate my life. I hate everything. I listed in a previous blog the things I am thankful for. And that's about it. Everything else can go away. And sometimes - I want all of those "silver linings" to go away too! I think my conclusion is - I just want to run away. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. I want to be alone. I don't want to deal with anyone or talk to anyone. I miss Michael sooo much. When he was deployed, I couldn't deal with him being gone for so long. I never thought that it was possible to miss someone so much. I miss him a million times more than that. No. Infinity times more than that. It's ridiculous how much I miss that man.

If I can't have him, I don't want anyone or anything. It doesn't matter anymore. I just want to run away from everyone and everything that isn't Michael.

I feel like I am starting not to make sense anymore. And I don't care. This whole thing doesn't make sense. Michael dying - doesn't make sense. I mean obviously, we all die someday. But him, dying so young, doesn't make sense. How can someone just die? We had agreed to do the whole old, gray and nursing home thing. And now we're not. And that doesn't make sense.

If it wasn't almost 2 am, I would hop in my car and just start driving. I would drive until I didn't know where I was, and I would still continue to drive. I just want to go away.

But I can't. I'm stuck. And that is so frustrating.

oh

2010-06-23T10:43:00.000-04:00

how I miss these days...
when we were just babies.
before anything happened and when we had nothing but time.
I would give anything to go back.

I don't know why today is so hard. I didn't want to wake up this morning because being unconscious was sooo much better than reality. I miss him so much! It seems like no matter what I do today, nothing takes it away. No matter how loud I blast my music, no matter how many purses I make, no matter how fast I drive. Nothing takes away this pain.

today

2010-06-20T23:19:00.000-04:00

Today I decided to stay home. For the most part.

My in-laws and sister-in-law went down to Key West for the day. There is an express boat that will take you from Fort Myers beach to a dock at Key West all under 4 hours. It's a pretty cool deal too. You can make it a one day trip or you can stay for as long as you want. I was asked to come along. But I couldn't.

Last year in April Michael and I took that same boat down to Key West for our "unofficial honeymoon". We never had a honeymoon and this was our first trip alone - no family, just us, spending much needed alone and relaxation time together. When we went, we had an amazing time! No fighting no spats. Nothing. Just pure fun and bliss. The only time there was a bump in the road was when we realized how much money we really spent. Key West is insanely expensive! We went snorkeling along the coral reef. We went on a sunset cruise on a catamaran. We rented bicycles, mopeds, and an electric cart. We went to the beach. Museums. Shopping. Ate a lot of food. And of course we drank! The trip was a success for us! There is nothing but good memories that we left behind there.

I loved that trip so much that a lot of the time, when I think about going back there or if Key West is really brought up at all, I get knots in my stomach. It gets harder to breathe and I want to cry.

So when I was asked to go back there, at first, I wanted to go. I didn't really think much about it, I just wanted to be with my family. But when it set in, there I would be returning there with with a huge chunk missing, I couldn't do it. I got bad anxiety and I freaked out. It was much too soon to go there again.

So today I stayed behind. I didn't want to go the whole day without seeing my Father-in-law though. So I decided to bake muffins the night before so that I could bring them all breakfast in the morning to take on their boat trip. Afterward, I stopped at Starbucks to get my usual - Skinny Vanilla Latte :) I had Koby with me as well. I decided to take him to the cemetery to visit Michael. I took Milo there once, but never took Koby. We stayed there for a little while. But since Florida is the devil's sauna, we didn't stay long. But apparently, my car wanted us to stay longer because it died! I just laughed because now! Now is when my car decides to crap out!? When no one is home to help a girl out! My mom was still on her vacation and Michael's family just left on a boat! It was all good because I called AAA and it was only my battery that bit the dust.

Other than that, nothing really happened today. I spent most of it working on my stuff for my etsy store. I like doing that sort of stuff. It's not hard at all and I am surprised that I don't see more of it on etsy. I think I like it and I continue to do it so much because it keeps my mind off things.

sunday

2010-06-20T11:36:00.000-04:00

It's Sunday again! Go here if you want to join in on the fun!

Here we go...

1. While at the beach, pool, etc..Do you cover up your assets or show them off?

I guess you can say I show them off... but it's not like I am prancing around saying "look at me look at me", I'm just at the beach... gettin' my sun on!

2. Road trips or Plane trips?

I've never really been on a road trip. But it does sound more and more appealing the more and more I become terrified of flying.

3. I can't stand it when...?

I am around dumb people.

4. Have you ever gone topless at the beach?

Never!

5. How many blog carnivals do you do a week?

What? What the freak is a blog carnival?! Is it when you go to bring your blog to the carnival? Please explain this to me someone!

6. My favorite thing about the weekend is...?

Well since everyday seems like a weekend to me, I guess my favorite thing about the actual weekend is spending time with the family that works during the week.

7. Pancakes or waffles?

Pancakes. For sure.

8. Water Park or Amusement Park?

Neither. I hate both! I hate amusement parks because you always get hot, sweaty, and nasty! And you are touching everything that the last sweaty nasty person touched! GROSS! I hate water parks because it's like swimming in one giant toilet! Next time you go to a water park and you happen to accidentally swallow the water, just remember people - you just drank someone else's pee!!! NO THANKS!

silver lining

2010-06-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

"Every cloud has its silver lining"

And in my case, it's like a category 6.5 hurricane worth of clouds. Nevertheless there are some silver linings that I feel I need to recognize on here. I guess you can say, I am counting my blessings.

First and foremost,

My parents. They have provided me an endless amount of love and support and for that, I am forever grateful!

My in-laws - my relationship has grown so much since all of this has happened. I love them both dearly.

My fellow offspring. You give me a reason to laugh and smile. I love you all!

Crystal - my sister-in-law turned sister turned best friend. Thank you for being there for me when I feel like I am lost.. on a boat... without a paddle.

My Koby Monster! No explanation needed. Dogs make everything better (sometimes). :)

My Widsters! I don't know where I would be without you all. You have showed me that life is still worth living. I love you all so much!

And last and most definitely not least...

My beautiful husband. Your love and strength has pulled through for me during the times when I needed it most. You are the reason for who I am today. You made me, me. My love for you has only grown and I know that when it is my time to go, you will be there to welcome me into eternity. I love you so much! Michael - no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
I miss you so very much.

sense

2010-06-17T21:24:00.000-04:00

Does a new sense of low self esteem go hand in hand with being labeled a "widow"? I have never felt such a low sense of self esteem before. It's like I don't know myself anymore.

Obviously I don't.

I lost the only thing in my life that made sense.
When I lost you, I lost so many other things along with you.
My sense of belonging.
My sense of being.
My confidence.
My children.
My mind.

My future.

When you were here everything made sense.
Now that you're gone everything is so confusing. Nothing is in order. Everything is a hectic, chaotic mess. I don't understand it. I don't get it. And that is so frustrating.
It's times like these that make me want to scream and rip all of my hair out!
I don't understand why you had to go!

I don't know where I belong anymore. The feeling of loneliness is so intense. When it was us, I didn't mind that I didn't have many close girl friends. Because I had you. You were my person. And that made everything ok. I knew where my place was. Now - I don't know where I belong. I feel weird with my single friends (the ones that still talk to me) and I feel out of place with my married friends (again... the ones that still talk to me). This feeling of wanting to belong is overwhelming. I know I have my widow friends, I love them all very dearly, but we are all scattered. And I hate to admit it, but when I am with them, that low self esteem kicks in again.

I hate the way I feel. I hate that your gone. I hate not having my person anymore.

That time machine would reallllly come in handy right about now!

only the good die young

2010-06-16T13:48:00.003-04:00

"Death is no longer something that
happens in the future, when you get older.
It barged into your life
without asking, took a seat at your
kitchen table and cannot be kicked
out the back door."

- Joanne Steen, from the book Military

Widow - A Survival Guide

kids

2010-06-15T09:47:00.000-04:00

We always wanted to have children. But we waited. For obvious reasons - we wanted to experience our own lives before we brought more into this world.
But man, what I wouldn't give to have little Michael/Allisons running around.
Just to have a little piece of you that was still alive would be amazing.

But at the same time, I am thankful that I only have my own grief to deal with. I don't even understand my grief the majority of the time, how could I even begin to understand the grief of a baby or toddler?

Because I don't want to miss out on being a mother, I promised myself that by the time I am 30, and if I still haven't had any kids of my own, I am going to start the process of adopting. Perhaps a Portuguese baby.
Definitely a Portuguese baby...

vent

2010-06-14T23:01:00.000-04:00

Today I feel like I hate everything.

I hate facebook. I hate seeing every one's perfect lives. I hate seeing people's status updates and pictures and their happy lives. I hate it. I hate seeing people bragging about their husbands and them doing nice things. No one cares. Do people really get off on expressing to others how "perfect" their lives are?! You aren't making any one's life any better, you're not benefiting anyone by bragging about your wonderful life. I can only assume that you are doing it to make yourself feel better. I would really love to delete my facebook. But if I do that, I am sure I will be getting phone calls from everyone under the sun checking to see if I am still alive. Unfortunately, it's my connection to the outside world, my connection to the friends that I do have.

I hate that I am alone. I don't mind no one being around. I mind that Michael isn't here anymore. I just want my husband home! I would never wish this on anyone at all. I still cannot believe that this is my life now. I'm a widow. I still have a hard time believing it. I know I am still in denial. I bounce back to denial all the time. I hate that I know I need to go to therapy. I tired to make it seem like I can handle this. The honest truth is that I can't. I don't know how. It seems like my life will forever be this black whole and I don't even know where to find the light at the end. Nor do I really want to find the light. I don't think I will ever want to get over Michael. I never want him to be something that I never talk about. I don't want him to be something that I will just eventually throw out.

At the same time though, I don't see how I will last much longer with my life being like this. Feeling the way I feel. Will I ever find a balance? Keeping Michael alive with me but being ok that he really isn't here anymore (does that sound crazy?). I just can't imagine feeling this pain for another 60 years, if I am to live for another 60 years.

I also can't imagine being with anyone else either. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is someone out there that is willing to understand me and where I come from. Maybe I will find that balance. But I don't see it. I will never see how being with another man will make me feel ok or make everything better. I knew at 18 years old that I wanted to be with Michael forever. I knew then that I was ready to settle down, get out of the dating game. I found my missing piece. How do you move on from losing the love of your life?

I'm sorry for the rant and the venting. I promise it will happen again. :)

sick

2010-06-13T20:53:00.000-04:00

On Wednesday, I went to San Diego with my in-laws. We didn't go for fun, we didn't go to get away. We went for business, for Michael. I am not going to indulge anyone with the details because it is a private matter. But I will say that nothing was really accomplished.

Being in San Diego was painful. More painful than I ever expected. We were in the same area that Michael and I used to visit. The absence of him was everywhere. At times it was hard to talk and even breathe. He was missing. He should have been there.

I am home now. We left on Friday, so it was a very quick painful jab. I'm sick. I'm exhausted. It seems like every time I come back from San Diego, I come home with a cold. For some reason, this one seems so much worse. I'm exhausted. It's hard for my eyes to focus. My hearing is thrown off. My nose is killing me. And my sinuses are throbbing. I have no motivation to do anything.

This past week has really shown me that when I take 1 step forward, I will most definitely take 2 steps back.

It's Sunday... again!

2010-06-13T15:10:00.001-04:00

Getting to know you Sunday.
Another week has passed.
So much has happened.
No words to explain.
Just more pain.

1. If you could have one of Superman's powers which one would you want? Superhuman strength..Flight..Superhuman speed..X-Ray vision..etc.

I would say... superhuman strength. Only because there is no man in this house to fix things. I know I'm not strong enough to do a lot on my own. It would just be more cost efficient if I had the strength to do it myself.
2. The best thing I ever won is....?

I don't know if I ever won anything really... nothing to brag about.

3. Have you ever skyped with a bloggy friend?

Not with any blog friends...

4. What is your favorite Summer month?

August... just because it's the last month of summer (right?!) Summer sucks. Too hot and humid.

5. Pool, Lake, or Ocean?

Ocean. I love the beach.

6. One of my favorite Summer memories is.....?

Michael's R&Rs. He would always take them during the summer.

7. What's your favorite secret bargain?

Ross, Marshalls, TJ Maxx

8. Do you plan on or have you been watching the World Cup?

Probably not on my own. I watched Mexico v. South Africa. I really got into it. But I probably won't watch it by myself.

i miss you

2010-06-07T12:28:00.001-04:00

I miss the feeling I get with your arms around me.

I miss the way your lips fit perfectly together with mine.

I miss hearing you call me "Tayte"

I miss the way that you smelled after working all days in your camies.

I miss going to church with you.

I miss always holding your hand.

I miss watching you from our apartment playing with Koby and Milo.

I miss your obsessive ways about cleaning.

I miss being woken up everyday to you kissing me goodbye before work.

I miss get text messages from you.

I miss sending you care packages.

I miss goofing off with you, dancing in our kitchen, making weird noises at each other, talking in our weird voices.

I miss helping you on your MECEP package.

I miss the smile on your face when you would walk through the door after work.

I miss cooking with you.

I miss talking about the future with you.

I miss when we would get sentimental, and that look you would give me. It was like I could look into your eyes and see the depths of your soul and see us tangled together.

I even miss you playing video games for hours on end.

I miss fighting with you, because after the fight, there would always be a make-up.

I miss getting dressed up and going on dates with you.

I miss riding on the back of your motorcycle.

I miss your big ugly feet.

I miss how whenever we were together, we always had to be touching.

I miss taking showers with you.

I miss getting 1 am phone calls from Iraq.

I miss your emails.

I miss watching movies with you.

I miss EVERYTHING about you. I wish you could be home. I need you. I miss hearing you tell me you love me, because baby, I need to hear it now.

I still can't believe you are gone.

7 months and 1 day.

Getting to know you Sundays!

2010-06-06T22:33:00.001-04:00

So I was inspired by my friend Sarah to start my own "getting to know you sunday". I figured it would bring a little light (maybe) to my dark and twisty blog postings.

1. If a person has a booger in their nose. and you can see it, do you tell them?
Really, it depends on the person and how well I know them. If it were Michael, I would get the booger for him. But really, in normal situations it depends on the person.

2. What are you passionate about?
Lately, not a whole lot. I am passionate about Michael. My family. Getting in shape. My dog. That's about it.

3. How long have you been blogging?
I started blogging in 2008 when Michael was deployed. I originally made it so we can both post on there about our lives while we were separated. However, for this blog in particular, I have been writing on it since December 2009

4. What is your favorite "summer" drink?
H2O

5. What is your favorite type of music?
I love anything really, except most country and gospel

6. Something I do before I go to bed is......?
Read

7. My Summer vacation plans are...?
I am doing it now, and I have been doing it for a while. Not a whole lot. I would love to be able to travel overseas but I don't see that happening without a traveling buddy.

8. My favorite must have, can't live without, beauty product is?
Bareminerals. It is a must. It turns tired, bags-under-my-eyes Allison into decent looking Allison.

And that's it for getting to know you Sunday! Go here to join the fun!

2010-06-03T17:49:00.001-04:00

6 months has come and now it is almost gone.
Almost 7 months since I have talked to the love of my life.

Some of my widow friends have told me that around this time, I'll start to feel the magnitude of losing him.
It's like someone turned on the water and then walked away.
And that same person has started to push a dagger through my chest and this person is slowly centimeter by centimeter pushing that dagger closer and closer to my heart.
I'm almost speechless.

That fear of forgetting him is more present than ever. I feel like the memories of him are being pushed out by the grief. But I can't bring them to the surface because it kills me. It kills me because I know that we will never make any new memories ever again. The morning of November 6th, 2009 was the last memories of him I will ever have.

I spent Memorial Day weekend in Washington DC with my widdas. I love being with them. When I am with those women, I feel almost normal again. I know that when I am with these other women no one is looking at me like a bad accident. I am able to laugh and not feel bad. And when I talk about what I am going through, I know that I am talking to someone who has gone through it, or is going through it too. It was amazing to be able to reconnect with some of the other widows from the Florida get-a-way as well as meet other widows. I was able to hear about other love stories and know that I am truly not alone. I don't know where I would be without them.

While we were there we went to Arlington. Being there was really hard. Right when I stepped off the bus, I felt like my heart was so heavy. It was hard to breathe at times. We went to section 60. Section 60 is where service men and women are buried from Iraq and Afghanistan. Being there was so hard. Even though Michael is not there, it felt like he was all around me. Seeing so many head stones there was unbearable. Being there reminded me, some how, that Michael is really gone. It was emotionally draining.

But now I am back at my home in Florida. I feel so alone here. I don't have friends here. No one here just calls me out of the blue to see how I am doing or to see if I want to meet up for coffee. The one and only time I really went out with friends was back in March. No one, besides my close friends, talked to me. No asked me to see what I was up to. It was soo weird. And the one and only person who talked to me (besides my close friends) asked me if I was dating yet! How awkward! I was already nervous about going out, and that made me want to stay locked up in my house forever. I hate being treated with kid gloves. I hate that its different now. But I also hate when people say stupid things. This is a huge reason why I just want to run away. Just go somewhere I don't know anyone. But then again, I would probably just feel the same way that I feel now. I know for a fact if Michael were here he would be telling that I need to put myself out there, that I need to make the effort. He's right, but it is just so hard when I have a hard time making the effort to get out of bed.

Michael is my best friend and he is gone. It didn't matter the situation, I could always tell him what was going on. It didn't matter if he was in Iraq and it was 3 am in the morning, I could write him and know that I would get a response from him. And the same went for him as well. He was my teammate in this game of life.

Accepting this and moving forward with my life is so difficult to do. I have truly forgotten to live without him.

AWP and something funny

2010-05-27T19:59:00.000-04:00

This weekend the AWP will be featured at the PBS Memorial Day Concert on Sunday evening. So make sure you tune in to your local PBS station. It will be an awesome show. In January, PBS came and filmed a portion of one of our get-a-ways. The will be featured during the concert as well as our personal pictures of us with our heros. Definitely watch this. If you are not a widow, it will give you a better inside look at what it is like, and what toll it takes on you.

Here is something funny...

This is my parent's pug Mookie. She was obviously mad :)

graduation

2010-05-26T14:15:00.001-04:00

I am currently in Kansas right now. I came here because my brother, Ryan, graduated from high school. I told myself that not matter what, I don't want to miss out of these sorts of things. I would regret it if I didn't come and I don't want to die with any regrets, no matter how small or big they are.

As I was sitting through the graduation ceremony, I was thinking how I graduated 5 years ago. Things were so very different then. I was so excited and nervous to start life after the familiarities of high school and move on to something that was new and not so comfortable. I never expected for my life to go the way it has. I never would have expected to fall in love with Michael again. At the time I was in love with someone else. I never expected that I would be married at 20 years old. I never expected I would move out to California. All the way across the country, away from my entire family. I never expected to transfer schools after I started college at FAU. And I really, never ever ever expected to be widowed at 22.

So many people from my graduating class has already graduated from college. People who have graduated after me, are graduating from college. I still have a year left to complete. And I am only getting my degree in psychology, which is so easy to do! I should have been done by now. So when I see that people I graduated with are now graduating from college, I admit that I feel sorry for myself. I can't help it. I so desperately wish that things were different.

Was our life too good to be true? Was everything happening too perfectly so God felt it necessary to take one of us out? Right after Michael was killed, I deeply questioned if there was even a God. Why would a God that is so kind and loving do this to a person. My faith in God has always been a shaky one. I know more about science, then I do about religion and believing in someone I cannot see. You can do experiments, you can see the reaction between two elements and see the exact thing your text book described. You can look at fossils and ancient artifacts. You can watch mutation and evolution take place by just observing fruit flies. But you can't see Noah's arch. You can't go and visit the tomb where Jesus was laid to rest. You can't watch as someone heals another by just touching them. You just have to believe. And that is so hard to do.

I have had a rocky path to believing in God. I have been told that I am going to hell for not going to church every Sunday. I have been judged. I have prayed and prayed for things to happen, and never got a result. I have had the love of my life taken away from me without any kind of explanation or answers to why. My life turned upside down. But for some reason I believe. I believe now more than ever. During a sermon at church, the pastor was saying when you have a hole, a wound in your very being, your soul, to let God in and he will bring joy to your life, he will mend what has been broken. So I have to listen and obey. I believe that Michael is in heaven. So I am going to do everything that I possibly can to get to him. I strongly believe that we will continue what we started. It isn't over.

I am not sure how this blog transformed from graduations to pass expectations to God and heaven but it did. Oh well.

26.2

2010-05-22T14:06:00.000-04:00

On October 31st, I will be running 26.2 miles in the Marine Corps Marathon.
I have no idea what possessed me to decide to do this. I am not a runner. I used to be an ok runner when I was little. I could run really fast for a short distance. That's it.
But it's not about me. I am running for him. I know he will be with me every step of the way.

Michael always wanted me to run with him. But I never could. I have never really been in shape. I always wished I could be, but I never have. But I have to be now. For him.
30,000 people will be running this race. My dad and my brothers will be running along side with me all for the same reason.
I will make sure that everyone I am around will know that I am running it for him. I want them to know how he was killed and that no matter what, he is a hero.

Training is not easy. Definitely not a walk in the park. I am working my way up to being able to run a 5k, 10k, half marathon, and then finally a full 26.2 miles. I figured as long as I can run 15 miles by the time of the race, I will be ok. I can make it. I will finish.

I will do it for him. No matter what. Blood, sweat, and tears. He is worth it.

pictures

2010-05-19T09:48:00.000-04:00

There is something that is keeping me in bed this morning. For some reason I can't find the strength/motivation/reason.... whatever to get up. Even though I know I have so much to do today. I started looking at pictures of Michael. Like really old pictures. Mostly of high school. Some from the Marine Corps. And a few from just us. I'm looking at these pictures and I feel like I am going to throw up. There will never be another picture taken of Michael ever again.

They just reminded me even more that my husband is dead.

I don't think I am going to look at pictures for a while. It used to help.
Now it just hurts beyond belief.

dream

2010-05-17T15:41:00.001-04:00

I had a dream last night. I have been dreaming a lot lately. It may have been because I was sleeping in a new location. I don't know, but when I am home, I tend not to dream, or if I do, I don't remember them really.

Anyway, I had a dream about Michael. In my dream I got a phone call from him. Like how I used to when he was in Iraq. When my phone rang I looked at it and it had a strange number. I normally don't pick up weird unknown numbers but I picked up this one. It was Michael. It felt like he was calling from Iraq but I knew he was gone. I knew that he was no longer here anymore. Heaven must have installed a bunch of satellite phone or something. But we talked. I don't remember the details of our conversation but I just remember us telling each other how much we loved one another and how much we missed each other. In my dream I was dancing around my room, like I used to when he would call from over there. I remember thinking to myself that I was the luckiest girl in the world - I was able to talk to my dead husband! I asked him if this would happen often or if it was just a rare treat to be able to hear from him. He said no, that it would happen often and the he was a tester or something to see how the phones worked and if they worked well enough then everyone would be using them soon. I didn't want to hang up with him but I knew he had to go. I was ok with hanging up because I knew he would call again.

Then I woke up. This dream makes me so happy but so sad at the same time. How can you be two emotions at the same time? I am happy that finally I had another dream about him. I have been waiting, begging, pleading to dream about him and finally I do! But I am so sad because when I woke up I felt like he was still here. Like he never really died. Like he was going to come back again. Then reality came crashing back down and I realized that there is no way that Michael will ever come back. Heaven doesn't just grant you a visitors pass to come back home. I don't want this to be it. I don't want it to be that 6 months ago was the last time I talked to him. And time will only go on. Soon it will be 7 months, then 10, and then a year! Soon it will be one whole year since I have spoken to my husband. I don't want this reality. I want to live in that dream forever because if he has to be dead, then I still want some way that I can just talk to him.

I hate my brain.

monk monk

2010-05-17T14:31:00.002-04:00

I have an introduction I need to make. I would like everyone to meet Monk Monk. I know this is stupid and maybe a little crazy... but Monk Monk was special to Michael and I. While Michael was deployed to Iraq in 2006, I made him to send to Michael. I didn't buy him in a store or anything, I actually cut, stuffed and sewed him all together. Yes I had directions and it all came in a kit, but I actually made him. Michael held onto him until we were married and living together in Oceanside. For the longest time, we had to hide him because Samara wanted to rip him to pieces.

So now since everything has happened, Monk Monk has come out of hiding. And yes even though I am 23, he is sort of like a security blanket for me. I will be bring him everywhere with me. Especially since I now have this itch to go and travel.

So everyone, meet Monk Monk... Monk Monk meet everyone...

our beach

2010-05-17T14:15:00.001-04:00

Thursday May 13th, 2010

I have never really explained how important Fort Myers Beach was to us. We had our first date here. In January of 2005, Michael and I first started dating and the very first time we went out, he took me to Junk-a-noos on the Beach. We ate dinner, I was nervous as hell, and then we walked the beach all the way to the pier. Which was a really long walk. But we had so much to talk about. He was just out of boot camp and he was home on leave after MCT school. He talked mostly about boot camp and how it was. We walked for what seemed like minutes, but they really were hours, just talking and smoking cigarettes. It was pitch black outside but I felt completely safe outside. Once we got to the pier, we walked out over the ocean and we looked at the stars. He had his hand placed on the small of my back and we just stood there. He was a gentlemen and didn’t even try to kiss me.

Every time we had to the chance we would escape to the beach. We got married on that beach. We wanted to retire on that beach. Become those super tan old people who literally look like old leather.

All I know is that this is our beach. No one can take that away from us.

i do

2010-05-17T14:07:00.000-04:00

Written on Wednesday May 12th, 2010

Today is the three year anniversary of our marriage to each other. Three years ago today we committed to love and to honor each other until the end of time. Three years ago I made the best decision I have ever made. If anyone were to ask me if I could change it all and start over, would I? The answer would be no. Even if I knew I was going to lose Michael in the end, I would not change any bit of it. Michael taught me what it was like to love unconditionally. That no matter what happened, our love for each other would always hold true and strong. Even during the time where our marriage was strained and we weren’t sure if we would make it, it was our love that held the pieces together. I would not change a thing. Our love has only grown. I am so very much in love with him and I would not change something that has given me and shown me so much love.

So today I decided to go outside, sit in a beach chair and continue to read my book (Eat, Pray, Love - which is so unbelievably amazing). About 15 minutes after I first sat down, I realized that I was completely alone. Everyone must have ventured back inside to get ready for dinner. It was at that time that I looked at the sun and realized that I have felt this sun before. I started to get knots in my stomach when I realized that three years ago, on this same beach, we were all arriving for us to get married. I was the last to arrive. I remember looking over at Michael in the other car and realizing that no matter how much I looked at him, he wouldn’t look back at me (granted, the windows were tinted and I am sure he wouldn’t have noticed that I was even looking at him). I suppose he didn’t want to risk that superstition that say “if you see your bride before you get married on your wedding day, you’ll be cursed with an unlucky marriage”. I remember the nervous jittery feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach. I almost felt like I was going to throw up. I wasn’t unsure of what I was doing, I was just so anxious for my life to begin, I knew then that my life was going to be forever changed. I remember my dad asking me before he walked me down the sand isle if I was sure this was what I wanted, because if I wasn’t, he had a credit card and he could get me on the next plane to Mexico. I remember that when we were reciting our vows to each other, we both stumbled on the same word. I remember crying when the officiant recited the 1 Corinthians verse 13, love is patient love is kind.

I can only imagine what it would be like with Michael here with me today. Maybe we would be sitting on the beach somewhere in San Diego with a bottle of wine and a packed dinner. Just sitting there watching the the sun as it vanishes beneath the horizon and marvel as the stars and the moon take their place in the sky. I wonder what sorts of things we would talk about. We would probably still be giddy as hell about him getting into the Marine Corps Officer program. Maybe we would be talking about college and what sorts of classes he would want to take. Maybe talking about baby names and possibly talking about when it would be an appropriate time for us to renew our vows. But I can only imagine. I can only make those pretend conversations happen in my head. It makes me so incredibly sad to know that our marriage really, can only go on if I make it continue to go on.

It's kind of like how I wear Michael's wedding ring. Michael never ever took his ring off. Even when he went to Iraq, he never took it off. Most husbands when they go over there, they will take off their ring so it doesn't get damaged. Michael, I guess, never took it off because he didn't want to be without it. If something were to have happened, he would want to be wearing his wedding ring. Well after the accident, I got a bag out his belongings that he had on him at the time of the accident. His cell phone, dog tags, his watch, chevrons, wallet, and his ring. My brain wasn't working then and I didn't even think to have them put his ring back on. Michael never took his ring off himself, so why should this be any different? If he had a say in it, I think he would ask to keep it on. But there is nothing I can do about that now. I have it. I always wear it. It actually fits on my index finger so I wear it on the same hand that I still wear my own wedding rings. I can't bear to be without them. So since Michael can no longer wear his ring everyday, I am here to carry that on for him. Just like I am still here to carry on our marriage.

After all of the imagining, some of my family came over to go out to dinner. My mom, father-in-law, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law all came over to go out with me. It really meant so much to have them all there with me. I have been blessed with an amazing family to be there for me as a crutch when I have really needed it. I may not show it all the time; I tend to act a little too tough on the outside. I tend not to show any of my suffering. But my family has only been there for me, even when I don’t ask them, or tell them I need them.

2010-05-12T23:26:00.000-04:00

Happy Anniversary my love.

fort myers beach

2010-05-12T08:47:00.001-04:00

Since internet here is spotty, I wrote this yesterday. Even though I do plan on writing more later on today, I just wanted to quickly get this up while I still had an internet signal.

Tuesday May 11th, 2010

Fort Myers Beach

It is the day before my three year wedding anniversary to Michael. It is also the first full day I am spending here on the beach. The same beach Michael and I got married on three years ago tomorrow. I am confused as to why I am putting myself through this familiar torture. Why am I putting myself here when I know it will hurt so much? I guess maybe deep down, I know I need to feel this pain. I need time alone to be in my own solitude and sorrow. I need to be able to really feel everything. I want to feel this pain but at the same time, I am so very afraid of it.

I am not too sure of what my plans are for tomorrow. Everyone has told me that I should not be alone. I agree. I shouldn’t be alone. But I will most likely be alone. But that’s fine too. If Michael were still alive, we would be alone tomorrow as well. I’ll probably get up in the morning, go running on the beach, get something to eat, lay out in the sun, go in the water, write in the sand, and maybe even walk down to the same location of where we said our vows and committed our souls to each other in front of the people who meant the most to us. I’ll probably end up going out to eat with our family as well. Which will most likely be bittersweet. It will be painful because I know that Michael is the one who should really be here.

This morning, after I ran a few miles on the beach, I realized that I had forgotten to go to Barns and Nobel before my venture out to the beach. I decided that I would not last long without something to occupy my mind, so after coffee and breakfast, I made a quick trip off of the island to grab a few books. I got three. They should last me the entire time out here and maybe even a little bit into my trip out to Kansas. I got a book about healing, a guilty pleasure, and a book about eternal love. Eat Pray Love, L.A. Candy, and Wuthering Heights. This seems like a good mixture to me. I also got book marks with a monogram “M” on each of them. I wanted to celebrate my, still new, last name. I would say it was a successful trip because I had no idea what I wanted to read.

So right now, I am up in my two bedroom, two bath condo sitting out on my porch, listening to the puny waves washing up onto the shore, taking a break from the intense sun. My wonderful sister-in-law, who has actually grown into more of a sister-type-best friend in the past few months, will be here after she gets off work and she will be spending the night with me. I am so thankful to have at the least one really good friend here close to me. Friends is a subject matter I will write about another time... Nevertheless, I am so happy she will be here soon.

Until next time-
Mrs. Michael Martins

2010-05-10T10:56:00.003-04:00

Death is peaceful.
Easy.

Life is harder.

I miss you so much.

No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.

Always remember that.

i am so mad

2010-05-07T12:55:00.001-04:00

I am so mad that he is not here anymore. I am not so much mad at him. Even though I do have every right to be mad at him. If he would have just listened. Just understood my fear of him on a motorcycle, maybe, just maybe he would still be here. But I'm not mad at him, because who knows. If he were to have been in his car, who can say that the accident wouldn't have still killed him. I can't be mad because riding his motorcycle made him happy.

I am so mad at the man who killed him. I have said it a million times. Michael was 23. This man was 81. He lived his whole life. Michael was just starting his. This man will never pay for what he did either. He will never go to jail for killing Michael. He will never really have to live long enough to feel the full amount of remorse and guilt that one should carry for killing another. I am also so mad that this man took his life. Michael will never be honored by society the way he should be. Because he didn't die in the line of fire, he won't be recognized for serving his country the way others are. This man took that away from him too. If Michael had to die, I would much rather him die in Iraq or Afghanistan and let him die in honor instead of being killed by an old man in San Diego.

I am so mad at my brain for working again. For allowing me to feel. I want to take a vacation from myself. From being a widow. From feeling the pain of losing Michael. Just a day of not thinking or feeling. It's so frustrating when I don't feel anything, when I am numb. But it really does suck when I feel it. It's like someone stabbing a hot branding iron through my heart and some how the fire from the iron runs through my veins in my blood to the rest of my body. It never really goes away either. The pain has only gotten worse. I am just waiting for it to actually stop my heart. But it never does.

Can you die from a broken heart? Like the dog in "where the red fern grows".

I get so mad when I see moms with young babies. Pictures of weddings. Husbands coming home from a deployment. Wives bitching about their husbands being away. When people brag to me about how well their marriage is going. When people bitch to me about how bad things in their marriage. I get mad when people ask me about Michael's dog tags that I wear. I know being mad at all of these things is irrational, but I guess it's just apart of the aftermath of losing someone as close as Michael was to me.

Nonetheless, I am just mad. I have every right to be mad too.