Happy Birthday Michael

It's midnight. August 24th. Michael's 24th Birthday. I feel like this day is harder than I could have imagined. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like he is gone. How can it be? How can my love, my life be dead?

I made a picture video thing for his birthday. It's beautiful. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I did a pretty sweet job on it. I am trying to put it on youtube, but it's huge - 20 minutes long, so I have to chop it up and post it in 2 or 3 separate videos. I didn't really have a hard time putting the video together. I looked at it more like a job. I felt like it was necessary. To take a look at the life of an amazing man. So I made this video on an objective stand point. I looked at the pictures and videos like an outsider.

Well this evening family and friends got together to celebrate Michael's birthday and this is where I showed the video. I made it a point to watch the video a few times through before watching it with everyone else. I don't like to catch myself off guard and get too over emotional, even though it has happened a few times. I don't like to come unglued around other people. So I watched it tonight with the people we love without becoming a mess. However, I couldn't resist watching it another time once I got home. That's when I lost it. I just sat there staring at this curation of photos and videos of my husband and thinking to myself that there is no way that this man is gone. I miss him sooo much. Just like words can't describe the love I feel for Michael, no words can describe the pain/longing and missing I feel for him.

I think we did him proud :) 

I am not sure what I am actually going to do when I get up. I know I want to celebrate this day. Staying in bed would not be appropriate for the occasion. I feel like out of all the significant days, this is one to celebrate. I want thinking of taking Koby to the beach. Maybe. It is supposed to rain for the rest of the week, so we'll see. If that doesn't work out them maybe I'll go and see a movie I know Michael and I would have enjoyed together. And yes, I'll most likely do it by myself. Maybe. We'll see. Hopefully by this time tomorrow I'll be able to not only post Michael's video but I will be able to report back on having a good day tomorrow. 

I love you so much my Tayte. Thank you for being the man you are because I wouldn't be the woman I am today without you. If anyone were to ask me, "would you do it all over again knowing the outcome?" I would look them straight in the eye and tell him that I wouldn't even think twice about it. I would do it in a heart beat. You are the love of my life. You inspire me to continue to live, I'm not doing it for me anymore, I'm doing it for you. Happy Birthday my love. I love you. I miss you. And I cannot wait until we are reunited again some sweet day.