I've been through hell

And now, slowly but surely, I am on my way back. I haven’t written lately because simply put, I haven’t needed to. I haven’t been holding onto anything. I haven’t had that want or need to write. I have been crazy busy with school and family. The semester is almost over and I will be so happy once it is. It has taken a lot for me to continue on with school, but it’s my way to focus my attention on something else.

I’ve been in a good place recently. The good days have been out numbering the bad. I have been trying to stay positive and focus on the good things. It’s a hard task to do especially when focusing on the bad has been so comfortable and easy for me. Even though it feels so good to be content where I am, I still feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being sad all the time. I feel guilty for experiencing things when Michael will never have the chance to. I feel guilty for putting myself out there and not retreating to my bed all the time. But over all it does feel ok where I am at.

Sometimes I trick myself though. Just when I feel like everything is smooth sailing and I get into a sense of normalcy, something happens and I feel like I have been knocked off my feet and I am reminded that I am still in the midst of my grief and pain of losing Michael. Yesterday was one of those days. I was reminded of how much I have lost and how much I have gone through since he was killed. And I realized just how much I missed him and missed my life before this all happened. I still would give anything just to have him back for a minute. I realized how much I don’t want this life. I never asked for it! I got married with the very best intentions - spending the rest of MY life with my soulmate. And that is something that I am struggling with to let go.

Sometimes I am able to let it go for a little bit, a least I think I am able to. I am able to set new goals for myself and envision a future that does not involve Michael. Figure out how my life, now, is supposed to look. But when I realize what it is that I am doing - seeing a future without Michael, I go straight back to square one - wanting to spend the rest of MY life with Michael.

I have never talked about dating or even having the urge to be with someone else on here, except my opposition to the whole thought. In the beginning, after Michael died, everyone told me that I would find love again. They told me that I was young and I still had plenty of time to start another relationship. A day after your husband dies, that’s the last thing you want to hear. You can’t even get it though your head that they are never coming home, let alone dating someone else. I was obstinate to the very thought and I wanted to go against what everyone was telling me. There was no way I could ever see myself kissing, dating, loving someone else. However I’m at that point, where I think that maybe just maybe I could entertain the idea of letting someone else in. To be frank, I’m lonely. I miss holding someone’s hand. I miss going out to dinner or to the movies with someone else besides friends or family. I miss sleeping next to someone. I miss having someone to tell all my secrets and worries to. I miss having a person. With that said, I am not going out on the prowl, looking for anyone. But if the opportunity comes around, I will be open to considering. Because the Beatles said it best “one is the loneliest number there will ever be”... and I completely agree with them.
It’s scary as hell, but I don’t want to let the fear of something bad happened or getting my heart broken keep me back from living anymore. I have been afraid of life for long enough now. I need  to live and I can’t do that without taking risks or chances. I don’t want to let that fear hold me back or keep me from experiencing new things or making new memories. So this is me, telling the fear to fuck off.

So that’s sort of where I am at right now. I know I have definitely come a long way in the past (almost) year and a half. I can honestly say that I am proud of the work I have done and everything I have accomplished.

I have been wanting to write all week, but I just couldn't for some reason. These past two weeks have been so unbelievably hard. Watching my brother go through this traumatic horrific thing and experience gut wrenching pain and despair is killing me. After losing Michael, I was always so afraid that it would happen again, that I would lose someone I love, again. I was always waiting for another phone call to tell me that someone else is dead. When I did receive that phone call, I was in a panic/fight or flight mode that it didn't occur to me until a few days later that one of my fears actually did come into fruition.

My heart is absolutely broken that there is another widow(er) in my family. My heart would always break when I would learn about another widow, knowing that we share a commonality that most others wouldn't. But this is too much. This is my brother. My best friend. I want so desperately to take his pain away. But there is nothing that any of us can do, but to go through it with him.

I constantly found myself comparing how I was to how Drew is. But I am constantly frustrated because I can't remember how I was. Those memories weren't encoded, and I am hoping for the same for my brother. I hope he doesn't remember this part.

Before this all happened, I felt like I was possibly coming to a good point. The peaks and valleys of my grief were starting to level out. I was having more good days than bad. And this happens and I am thrown right back into it. I almost wanted to quit school again and give it another go next semester. I had an insanely hard time leaving my brother to go back home.

I just wish this was all different. It still doesn't seem real.

world of hurt

Yesterday, my family and I received horrible news. 

My brother's best friend, the love of his life, took his life.

I would never wish this life on anyone, especially any of my family members. 

My brother is absolutely heart broken and distraught. 

We were all taken by surprise.

And it's really hard to even believe. 

My brother's boyfriend was like a little brother to me. 

I loved him so much. 

He made my brother happy. 

We will never understand why this happened. 

But it is just a reminder that life is so short 

and so precious 

and to tell those who matter most how much you love them.

 You will always be loved and missed

<3 JLB <3

Due to the sensitive nature of the situation, please only send prayers and words of encouragement. We are all hurting very much.

Valentine's Day, Smalentine's Day

Man oh man.
There's nothing more that I hate than a stupid made up holiday.
Oh wait. I do hate something more.
I hate the stupid made up holiday that makes me feel even more alone than I possibly could.
It's like adding fucking insult to injury.

This year, will officially be my second year without Michael.
I am still deciding what's worse,
being on a plane to go saw goodbye to my dying grandmother
or having to go a group project presentation and then going home to be alone?
I would have to say, I have definitely shed more tears this year.

I have always had a particular disdain for Valentine's Day.
Why have one special day to tell to tell those who are most important that you love them?
Michael and I didn't really care for Valentine's Day.
But we would partake in the festivities, sort of.
And I have to admit, it was really nice having someone to spend it with.
Even if it is a stupid made up holiday.

The last Valentine's day that we spent together.
Was amazing.
Michael got me roses.
I got him dark chocolate, pajama pants, and a new hoodie.
I loved to spoil him.

We decided that we would add to our little family of three.
We went to a dog rescue meet up to look at pups.
We looked and looked and we didn't find any dogs that suited us.
That was until we reached the last booth.
And there he was.

We adopted Koby on Valentine's Day, 2009.
That afternoon we took our pup to our favorite park to have a picnic.
We played with him, people complimented us on our beautiful dog, went for a walk.
The day was perfect.

It feels like then and now are worlds away.
The only things we had to worry about then was learning our new dog wasn't potty trained and figuring out how to decorate our new apartment.
Things are completely and utterly different now.
I would much rather spend this stupid holiday with my husband and our pup than a.l.o.n.e.

it's not how he died...

...that made him a hero,

but how he 

LIVED.

From the beginning I said that this was not how Michael was supposed to die. If he was going to die young, it should have been over there. Not here, and not at the mercy of an 81 year old man. I worried that people wouldn't see him for what he really is, a hero. I constantly found myself saying to people "but he served two whole years in Iraq".  Two years that contained a few close calls, but as we soon found out, God had other plans. 

I fear that people think that Michael died in vain. I assure you he did not. His death did mean something. It meant a lot to so many people. In the aftermath, so many people came forth to testify what Michael meant to them and the out pour of love and admiration for my husband was absolutely breathtaking-astonishing-overwhelming! Michael's energy and love for life touched everyone he came across. Michael was an outstanding Marine. During one the eulogies at his memorial service on MCAS Miramar, it was either his gunny or his commanding officer, said that Michael was the type of Marine that everyone fought to have work for them. Michael has inspired me in so many ways. If I am stuck in a difficult situation, I always sit back and think "how would Michael handle this", and I typically do it his way.

So it's really not the way that he died. He didn't have that choice. He didn't get to have a talk with God before it happened to suggest where he would have liked to be killed. It's how he lived, how he treated others, how he served his country, how he loved, and how he is remember today that makes him a hero.

Oh! And I got my necklace made custom from this etsy shop.

 R&R
August 2008

24

The day that I turn 24 is fast approaching.
It's probably one of the most dreaded days for me this year so far.
I will be turning an age that Michael will never be able to experience.

Although I have been older than him for a little while.
He was about 6 months old than I am, but I don't know the exact day it happened where I surpassed his age.
But on Monday, I will officially be a year older than him.

Little ol' naive me used to think that I would never be older than Michael.
It never occurred to me that he would die young and forever be 23.
And I would continue on and age without him by my side.

This all brings me back to the question, "Why us?" "Why him?" "Why not me?".
I feel like if the tables were turned and it was me and not him, he would be much better at this whole life thing.
It's not fair. At all.

It's just another reminder that he isn't here anymore.
And he never will be.

mush

I have writers block. But I'm not a writer.
I have come to a point where I am at a loss for words.
I can't seem to think straight so therefore, nothing to write about.

Sometimes I feel really passionate about writing something.
I'll have an idea, sentences, or a theme stuck in my head all day.
And it is absolutely imperative that I write something.
But lately it seems like everything I come up with or think about, is just something that I have already written about. (I'm pretty sure I have written about this as well).
Or I come up with nothing at all.

My head is such a mush that I actually have a headache from trying to sort through it all.
I guess it has been an emotionally draining day.
I don't know.

Shit still sucks. And it still feels like it happened yesterday.