it's that day AGAIN!

1.If you had 5000.00 to spend on plastic surgery what would you have done? 

 

Boobs. New boobs please. 

2. Do you watch Soap operas and if so what is your favorite and why? 

 

No. I really don't watch too much TV. But if you can consider Real Housewives a soap opera then that would be my favorite. 

3. Favorite clothing brand? 

 

Banana Republic, Anthropology,  Free People, anything from Nordstrom Rack, Marshalls, TJ Maxx, or Target.

4. An afternoon shopping spree at your favorite store or maid service for a year?

 

MAID SERVICE PLEASE!

5. would you ever vajazzle? 

 

What the freak is a vajazzle. Sounds nasty. No thanks. 

6. Favorite Disney Princess? 

 

The chick from sleeping beauty

7. Last movie that made you bawl your eyes out? 

 

I am not sure. I haven't watched any sad movies recently. I try to avoid them. But I did get kind of upset during New Moon. 

8. Have you ever broken any bones and if so what? 

 

Nope. Thank goodness.

run away

Lately my head has been mush. What's new? I can't seem to sort out my thoughts. And I hate that. I go through these cycles. Numb. Dumb. Angry. Pissed. Annoyed at everything. Sad. Always depressed.

I hate my life. I hate everything. I listed in a previous blog the things I am thankful for. And that's about it. Everything else can go away. And sometimes - I want all of those "silver linings" to go away too! I think my conclusion is - I just want to run away. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. I want to be alone. I don't want to deal with anyone or talk to anyone. I miss Michael sooo much. When he was deployed, I couldn't deal with him being gone for so long. I never thought that it was possible to miss someone so much. I miss him a million times more than that. No. Infinity times more than that. It's ridiculous how much I miss that man.

If I can't have him, I don't want anyone or anything. It doesn't matter anymore. I just want to run away from everyone and everything that isn't Michael.

I feel like I am starting not to make sense anymore. And I don't care. This whole thing doesn't make sense. Michael dying - doesn't make sense. I mean obviously, we all die someday. But him, dying so young, doesn't make sense. How can someone just die? We had agreed to do the whole old, gray and nursing home thing. And now we're not. And that doesn't make sense.

If it wasn't almost 2 am, I would hop in my car and just start driving. I would drive until I didn't know where I was, and I would still continue to drive. I just want to go away.

But I can't. I'm stuck. And that is so frustrating.

oh

how I miss these days...
when we were just babies.
before anything happened and when we had nothing but time.
I would give anything to go back.




I don't know why today is so hard. I didn't want to wake up this morning because being unconscious was sooo much better than reality. I miss him so much! It seems like no matter what I do today, nothing takes it away. No matter how loud I blast my music, no matter how many purses I make, no matter how fast I drive. Nothing takes away this pain.

today

Today I decided to stay home. For the most part.

My in-laws and sister-in-law went down to Key West for the day. There is an express boat that will take you from Fort Myers beach to a dock at Key West all under 4 hours. It's a pretty cool deal too. You can make it a one day trip or you can stay for as long as you want. I was asked to come along. But I couldn't.

Last year in April Michael and I took that same boat down to Key West for our "unofficial honeymoon". We never had a honeymoon and this was our first trip alone - no family, just us, spending much needed alone and relaxation time together. When we went, we had an amazing time! No fighting no spats. Nothing. Just pure fun and bliss. The only time there was a bump in the road was when we realized how much money we really spent. Key West is insanely expensive! We went snorkeling along the coral reef. We went on a sunset cruise on a catamaran. We rented bicycles, mopeds, and an electric cart. We went to the beach. Museums. Shopping. Ate a lot of food. And of course we drank! The trip was a success for us! There is nothing but good memories that we left behind there.

I loved that trip so much that a lot of the time, when I think about going back there or if Key West is really brought up at all, I get knots in my stomach. It gets harder to breathe and I want to cry.

So when I was asked to go back there, at first, I wanted to go. I didn't really think much about it, I just wanted to be with my family. But when it set in, there I would be returning there with with a huge chunk missing, I couldn't do it. I got bad anxiety and I freaked out. It was much too soon to go there again.

So today I stayed behind. I didn't want to go the whole day without seeing my Father-in-law though. So I decided to bake muffins the night before so that I could bring them all breakfast in the morning to take on their boat trip. Afterward, I  stopped at Starbucks to get my usual - Skinny Vanilla Latte :) I had Koby with me as well. I decided to take him to the cemetery to visit Michael. I took Milo there once, but never took Koby. We stayed there for a little while. But since Florida is the devil's sauna, we didn't stay long. But apparently, my car wanted us to stay longer because it died! I just laughed because now! Now is when my car decides to crap out!? When no one is home to help a girl out! My mom was still on her vacation and Michael's family just left on a boat! It was all good because I called AAA and it was only my battery that bit the dust.

Other than that, nothing really happened today. I spent most of it working on my stuff for my etsy store. I like doing that sort of stuff. It's not hard at all and I am surprised that I don't see more of it on etsy. I think I like it and I continue to do it so much because it keeps my mind off things.

sunday

It's Sunday again! Go here if you want to join in on the fun!

Here we go...


1. While at the beach, pool, etc..Do you cover up your assets or show them off?

I guess you can say I show them off... but it's not like I am prancing around saying "look at me look at me", I'm just at the beach... gettin' my sun on!

2. Road trips or Plane trips?

I've never really been on a road trip. But it does sound more and more appealing the more and more I become terrified of flying.

3. I can't stand it when...?

I am around dumb people.

4. Have you ever gone topless at the beach?

Never!

5. How many blog carnivals do you do a week?

What? What the freak is a blog carnival?! Is it when you go to bring your blog to the carnival? Please explain this to me someone!

6. My favorite thing about the weekend is...?

Well since everyday seems like a weekend to me, I guess my favorite thing about the actual weekend is spending time with the family that works during the week.

7. Pancakes or waffles?

Pancakes. For sure.

8. Water Park or Amusement Park?

Neither. I hate both! I hate amusement parks because you always get hot, sweaty, and nasty! And you are touching everything that the last sweaty nasty person touched! GROSS! I hate water parks because it's like swimming in one giant toilet! Next time you go to a water park and you happen to accidentally swallow the water, just remember people - you just drank someone else's pee!!! NO THANKS!

silver lining

"Every cloud has its silver lining" 

And in my case, it's like a category 6.5 hurricane worth of clouds. Nevertheless there are some silver linings that I feel I need to recognize on here. I guess you can say, I am counting my blessings.

First and foremost,

My parents. They have provided me an endless amount of love and support and for that, I am forever grateful!

My in-laws - my relationship has grown so much since all of this has happened. I love them both dearly.

My fellow offspring. You give me a reason to laugh and smile. I love you all!

Crystal - my sister-in-law turned sister turned best friend. Thank you for being there for me when I feel like I am lost.. on a boat... without a paddle.

My Koby Monster! No explanation needed. Dogs make everything better (sometimes). :)

My Widsters! I don't know where I would be without you all. You have showed me that life is still worth living. I love you all so much!


And last and most definitely not least...

My beautiful husband. Your love and strength has pulled through for me during the times when I needed it most. You are the reason for who I am today. You made me, me. My love for you has only grown and I know that when it is my time to go, you will be there to welcome me into eternity. I love you so much! Michael - no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
I miss you so very much.

sense

Does a new sense of low self esteem go hand in hand with being labeled a "widow"? I have never felt such a low sense of self esteem before. It's like I don't know myself anymore.

Obviously I don't.

I lost the only thing in my life that made sense.
When I lost you, I lost so many other things along with you.
My sense of belonging.
My sense of being.
My confidence.
My children.
My mind.

My future.

When you were here everything made sense.
Now that you're gone everything is so confusing. Nothing is in order. Everything is a hectic, chaotic mess. I don't understand it. I don't get it. And that is so frustrating.
It's times like these that make me want to scream and rip all of my hair out!
I don't understand why you had to go!

I don't know where I belong anymore. The feeling of loneliness is so intense. When it was us, I didn't mind that I didn't have many close girl friends. Because I had you. You were my person. And that made everything ok. I knew where my place was. Now - I don't know where I belong. I feel weird with my single friends (the ones that still talk to me) and I feel out of place with my married friends (again... the ones that still talk to me). This feeling of wanting to belong is overwhelming. I know I have my widow friends, I love them all very dearly, but we are all scattered. And I hate to admit it, but when I am with them, that low self esteem kicks in again.

I hate the way I feel. I hate that your gone. I hate not having my person anymore.

That time machine would reallllly come in handy right about now!