Does a new sense of low self esteem go hand in hand with being labeled a "widow"? I have never felt such a low sense of self esteem before. It's like I don't know myself anymore.
Obviously I don't.
I lost the only thing in my life that made sense.
When I lost you, I lost so many other things along with you.
My sense of belonging.
My sense of being.
My confidence.
My children.
My mind.
My future.
When you were here everything made sense.
Now that you're gone everything is so confusing. Nothing is in order. Everything is a hectic, chaotic mess. I don't understand it. I don't get it. And that is so frustrating.
It's times like these that make me want to scream and rip all of my hair out!
I don't understand why you had to go!
I don't know where I belong anymore. The feeling of loneliness is so intense. When it was us, I didn't mind that I didn't have many close girl friends. Because I had you. You were my person. And that made everything ok. I knew where my place was. Now - I don't know where I belong. I feel weird with my single friends (the ones that still talk to me) and I feel out of place with my married friends (again... the ones that still talk to me). This feeling of wanting to belong is overwhelming. I know I have my widow friends, I love them all very dearly, but we are all scattered. And I hate to admit it, but when I am with them, that low self esteem kicks in again.
I hate the way I feel. I hate that your gone. I hate not having my person anymore.
That time machine would reallllly come in handy right about now!
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Many hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteOMG, I know exactly what you mean!! I was never a person to have a low self esteem, and after Dan passed I was, and am so insecure. I think it has a lot to do with the feelings of being lost, and not understanding yourself. It still puzzles the shit out of me, and probably is one of the top things on my list of things I hate. But, it's so true when we say, "the day I lost him I lost me". I'm a different person now, and I have to build my new life. I have to put myself together again, and grow that self confidence back. I have to learn my new skin, and stand on my own two feet before I'm confident with myself again. I hate feeling lost, and I hate feeling like I don't fit in with the people in my life (besides my widow girls of course). We'll figure it out, just gotta have hope. Someday this will all fall into place!! <3 you!! HUGS!
ReplyDeleteEvery time I read your posts I just nod silently in agreement with everything you are saying. He will give you direction and it wont feel like a shove, it will feel like a gentle tug. He will pull you through time my friend. I was just thinking today/and writing about how I just havent feel "comfortable" since he died. And the low self-esteem...GOD I get that... Your last paragraph is spot on.."This feeling of wanting to belong is overwhelming..." We had our homes with them, our place in this world, and its all been uprooted. It may be the blind leading the blind here....but I'm with you....I guess we just make it up as we go and count on trusting them to help us put things into place....
ReplyDeleteWish I could hug you. <3
ps all the music on your playist is seriously ALL Warren songs, it's crazy....I love it...
I love you Allison and I love your Widow girls. Kisses and hugs.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs! I'm sorry I've been an awful friend. I wish I had kept in touch in the past year or so it's been that I last saw you! I miss hanging out with you and Gaby.
ReplyDelete