Today I feel like I hate everything.
I hate facebook. I hate seeing every one's perfect lives. I hate seeing people's status updates and pictures and their happy lives. I hate it. I hate seeing people bragging about their husbands and them doing nice things. No one cares. Do people really get off on expressing to others how "perfect" their lives are?! You aren't making any one's life any better, you're not benefiting anyone by bragging about your wonderful life. I can only assume that you are doing it to make yourself feel better. I would really love to delete my facebook. But if I do that, I am sure I will be getting phone calls from everyone under the sun checking to see if I am still alive. Unfortunately, it's my connection to the outside world, my connection to the friends that I do have.
I hate that I am alone. I don't mind no one being around. I mind that Michael isn't here anymore. I just want my husband home! I would never wish this on anyone at all. I still cannot believe that this is my life now. I'm a widow. I still have a hard time believing it. I know I am still in denial. I bounce back to denial all the time. I hate that I know I need to go to therapy. I tired to make it seem like I can handle this. The honest truth is that I can't. I don't know how. It seems like my life will forever be this black whole and I don't even know where to find the light at the end. Nor do I really want to find the light. I don't think I will ever want to get over Michael. I never want him to be something that I never talk about. I don't want him to be something that I will just eventually throw out.
At the same time though, I don't see how I will last much longer with my life being like this. Feeling the way I feel. Will I ever find a balance? Keeping Michael alive with me but being ok that he really isn't here anymore (does that sound crazy?). I just can't imagine feeling this pain for another 60 years, if I am to live for another 60 years.
I also can't imagine being with anyone else either. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is someone out there that is willing to understand me and where I come from. Maybe I will find that balance. But I don't see it. I will never see how being with another man will make me feel ok or make everything better. I knew at 18 years old that I wanted to be with Michael forever. I knew then that I was ready to settle down, get out of the dating game. I found my missing piece. How do you move on from losing the love of your life?
I'm sorry for the rant and the venting. I promise it will happen again. :)
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So many hugs. I know the feeling girl, Jonny's company came home this weekend and I am bombarded with pictures and "He's Home!" updates and it, frankly, blows. But I think you will be able to find that balance. DO NOT ever think you have to throw him out. Always, always talk about him, and I think eventually you will find someone willing to share you with him, because that's how it will always be, your heart will always remain his, and maybe one day you'll be able to give a piece of it to someone new but they will have to accept that you already found your true love. I love you girl, because I am walking a similar path and I love all of us who are "left." That's how I see it, left to live on until we see them again. Again, super hugs.
ReplyDeleteVent away friend!! It's better than holding things in!
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna share a little story...
When Dan first passed away, and I finally got back to work about 2 weeks later, and one of the older ladies pulled me to the side. She was always that cute little lady bragging about her kids, her grand kids, and all of her travels. I was always jealous of her, and couldn't wait for that to be me! Well, I could wait, I hate getting older, but I wanted to be her when I was her age. Her life just seemed fun, filled with happiness, and most importantly love. Anywho, when she pulled me to the side she told me her story. When she was 21 years old, on Christmas Eve, she waited for her fiance at mass, but he never showed. She got home and called his Mother, and she didn't know where he was either. Well, the next day, when he was still missing they called his job, and explained that they were looking for him. They went to the site that he was last working at, and found his car had rolled into the lake, when they pulled it out they found him. I was in tears at this point, and she pulled my head up, and held my face in her hands. She promised me that this road would be hell, and that I would be tried harder than I've ever been. She said that there will be many days that I'll not want to get out of bed, let alone keep living. She said that you never "move on", just forward. That as time passes, my wounds will heal, but the love I have for Dan will never go away. I'll love and remember him forever, and he'll always be in my heart, and a part of me. She then said that one day I'll find someone that will love me and understand me and all of the things that make me the person I am. It'll never be the love that I had with Dan, but it'll be a love that makes me happy. When I have bad days, and feel like there is no light at the end of my tunnel I think of her, and her story, and I get up and live the day.
Who knows what our stories will be. Who knows if we're meant find love again. But, I do know that we'll be happy again. That as the days go on, we need to have hope that this life will get better. We have to keep getting out of bed, and living, our boys wouldn't be happy if we didn't.
I know that we only know each other through this blogging world, but know that I carry you in my heart. It's hard to find people that understand us, and I feel blessed that I've found you gals. We may be at different points in our journey, but in the end we just get it. If you ever need anyone, know that I'm here. 3 years into this journey I still have no clue what is happening. But, now I do know that no matter what happens, go with your heart. If you want to scream, do it. If you want to hate everyone and their perfect lives, do it. If you want to write the longest blog on the face of the Earth about anything you feel, do it! We'll still love you the same!!
Now, I'm sorry for jeopardizing your comment section. But, I hope that in some way I've helped! Hugs and lots of love dear friend!!
Hey- this is where you get to vent! :) Vent away! I know the feelings. I logged in to read your blog today and the song "everything" by Lifehouse came on from your music. I haven't heard that since everything happened with Mike. I think listening to it with the way things are now is so different than I used to listen.
ReplyDeleteMichael is right there with you. He's the same Michael and he'll never leave you. It's just harder to hold on to when you have to do it yourself. Never let go of that. You never have to :) Love you!
Allison,
ReplyDeleteI know this is an older post, but I'm sure these same thoughts still creep into your head daily whether it be in small doses or large. I feel the same exact way. My husband Elliott was killed in July. So I'm new at this. I found your blog and I am just looking to connect. I don't know ... I just hate that young women like us would even have to connect over something like this. I don't know if you would be interested, but I would really love to talk to you. I just feel so alone. I know we are all alone in our pain, and desire for our husbands. But it would just be nice to talk to someone who gets that.