I haven't been able to write anything lately. I don't know why. I guess my head is just full of junk and I can't seem to muddle my way through anything. I have been kind of going through the motions of life lately. Just allowing myself to be pulled ever which way.
I feel like I am sinking fast into a pool of quick sand. I feel like my grief is swallowing me whole. I don't even know which way is up anymore. I don't know the difference between right and wrong. I don't know anything anymore. I don't understand anything. All I know is that this sand is coming up fast and it is beginning to suffocate me. It's already got my arms trapped. It is slowly creeping up my chest and neck. Pretty soon it will be filling my mouth, ears and nose. But it won't matter because it is already hard to breathe.
Most of the time I am able to take my mind away from things. I have become good at busy work. Like working on my etsy stuff. Surrounding myself with people. Reading. I have realized that I could probably make a lot of money being an actress. It's not that I am being fake with anyone - it's just that I am able to act - put on a face for everyone. But it's exhausting. But I hide it so much to the point of where I have dreams of screaming and crying my eyes out.
I don't even know how to deal with my own self. Let alone anyone else's issues. I don't know why, but people seem to think that I am an ok person for them to come to with their problems. Maybe because I've been through hell and back, I might have some personal wisdom to share. I don't know. I don't get it. I wish it would just stop. I wish everything would just stop. I wish it all would have stopped 8 months ago.
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No words can help in this situation. Just know that I'm always here if you need to yell at someone!! I'm sorry that people are such knuckleheads! When they don't go through it, they just don't get it. It's when I really understand the whole ignorance is bliss statement!! Tossing lots of love, and huge hugs your way!!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it lovely how after you lose someone and people think you are "so strong" they seem to come out of the wood work to get advice. Yes, I'm living. No, I do not know how. No, I do not know what to tell you to help you through your deployment.
ReplyDeleteSigh.
Love you girl, and pretty excited to actually SEE you soon!
((hugs)) Have you ever tried meditation? I know it is not nearly the same thing, but it helps to calm my mind when I am super stressed and helps me get in touch with myself and my emotions. It really helped my anxiety a lot. I hope things start to get better for you. I wish I had something better to say, but, I am here for you if you need someone to listen.
ReplyDeleteHey Allison, I just wanted to say that when you need to cry or scream, that you should just do it! Who cares what people think if you cry or scream out. It's healthy. Never keep your feelings bottled up. It's something I have told a lot of people. It's healthier to just show all your emotions than to put a front and not cry or be mad, because eventually those emotions are going to be too much for you and you're going to break down....So, do it as it comes to you. :)
ReplyDeleteJust my two cents :)
Love you!