No Star in the Sky

Well I haven't written in 10 days. I don't really have much to write about I guess. Usually, before I write on here, I have a burning itch to write something. It's almost like I feel like I am going to be sick. That some way, if I don't get it out I am going to end up vomiting all over myself... or someone else. But if I can get to my computer when I have this stirring idea, I can successfully vomit in a toilet. :) Thank you blog for being my toilet.

I don't know where I am at right now. I haven't really cried in a few days. I cried over the weekend here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, those times that I cried was more like tearing up compared to the way I cry when I am alone. I feel like I am going back into that numbness again. That horrible fog that widows who are further out describe with a hint of annoyance. It really sucks not being able to feel anything. It's frustrating. I hate it.

However, this time is a little different. I do tend to get those breakthrough moments when I feel it. Where it hits me like a cannon ball. My blood catches on fire and I can't breathe. Michael is dead. I am not sure what triggers it, but it is happening more frequently. I wish it wouldn't happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want this to be real.

Lately, I have been trying to remember a lot of the things I have forgotten in the beginning. My brain shut down, allowed my body to go through the motions, it cushioned me from feeling the full amount of pain one should feel after losing their spouse. I don't remember much of anything. I remember bits and pieces but not the full picture. I don't understand my intense curiosity as to what all happened during the first few months after Michael was killed. But I want to know them. I need to know. So if you know anything... please describe in a comment.

Well that is all I have for now. If I feel the need to vomit, I know where to come to.