one

I wanted to take a few days to digest this past weekend before I wrote about it. It's hard to describe how I felt on Saturday. Yes, it was an extremely sad day, but it was not the saddest I have experienced. I think Michael's birthday was the worst for me by far. On his birthday I wanted to do something fun, that I knew Michael would enjoy, but it was too hard knowing that he should have been there. He would have been 24, but he will never be able to experience anything beyond 23. Saturday wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be.

I got up that morning and ate breakfast. I had intended to go straight to the florist because I had ordered an arrangement a couple of days before hand. But Michael's mom called me to see if I wanted to go to breakfast. I went and just sat with them at Ihop. Then afterwards I went to the florist, picked up the arrangement and then went to the cemetery. I sat there for a while, just talking to Michael. I got him a card and I read it to him. Then I went home. I didn't really know what to do. When I was home I stayed outside and played with Koby for a while. Did some stuff around the house, read, and that was it pretty much.

That evening I went over to my in-laws house, my mother-in-law was home alone so we looked through old pictures. We decided to go to dinner so we went to an Italian restaurant. I ordered something I knew Michael would have loved. I ended up having a little too much to drink but I figured it was ok considering what day it was.

The next day we went to mass that was being said for Michael. I've been to other masses that are said for Michael, but this one was harder to sit through. The priest that say was talking about what happens when we die. I just said there really thinking that Michael is gone. Michael will never come home again. I think it sank in a little more that he is actually dead. He has experienced something that most human beings are the most fearful of. He just can't write home about it. The gospel that day was about a widow (how fitting right) and if that widow does not have a child by her husband, and if the husband had a brother, then the brother of the husband should marry the widow and try to have a child with her so that the late husband's name will be carried on. I just laughed because Michael's brother was in the row behind me with his wife. After the mass I went up to him and told him that since the bible says so, we need to get married. That was probably the funniest thing all day.

Afterwards we went to breakfast with the entire family. It was nice but I felt a huge part of me missing. Whenever the family gets together it's always like that. I always feel like something isn't right. After breakfast we all went our own seperate ways. I went back to the cemetery because I wanted to take some pictutes since I didn't get the chance to do so the day before.

 I picked to use orange and red roses for the arrangement.

Orange because on our first anniversary Michael sent me orange roses while he was in Iraq.

Red because I carried red roses at our wedding.

Something new they just put up before the Veteran's section of the cemetery

I couldn't resist the opportunity to take a picture like this.

We didn't have one taken at our wedding. 

The newest addition to Michael's mausoleum space.

It came out great, but it's harder now to go to visit him, 

the picture just makes it even more real. 

 I just can't believe one year has passes. I would think to myself, that one year is such a long time to go without seeing him. And then I think that the day after the one year mark will be the longest time I would go without seeing Michael. The same goes for a week, month, year after the one year mark. So I sort of made myself ok (as can be) with that day being the longest I have gone without seeing him, because everyday after that will be the longest time I have gone, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Another downside to the one year mark is that I can't say "Well, last year we did this...". I don't even know what to say anymore in that situation because today, last year, Michael was already gone. It just sucks.

Today I am putting together a huge collage of pictures for a Veteran's Day memorial service that it being held at Michael's middle school on Veteran's Day. They are doing a special dedication to Michael and they have ask me to put together something for the ceremony. It should be nice.