tomorrow

I have been wanting to write, but I don't know how. I can't seem to form the words to express what I am feeling or what I am going through. I guess you could say I am speechless.

I never thought I would get to this point. I never thought I would make it to a year without him. If you would have asked me while Michael was deployed if I could make it a year with no communication, no new pictures, nothing at all from him, I probably would have punched you in the face for thinking of something so ludicrous. I would not have been able to do it. I could barely do it then when I had the phone calls, emails, and skype sessions. Now I am amazed that tomorrow, it will be a year. With nothing at all but the pictures that I already have and the dreams that I have been blessed with.

Part of me wants to scream and cry and curse the universe for Michael being gone. But I know that will do nothing at all. I know no matter how many tears I cry, no matter how many times I tell myself that this can't be real, it will do nothing to better the situation. I can't beg and plead with God to give him back. I know it won't happen. So what can I do?

I have no clue. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to write, because I don't even know what to think myself.

I just remember the days following the accident, saying that this couldn't have happened. Michael was safe. He had a helmet on and helmets and supposed to save lives. He took 3 drivers safety courses. We were supposed to have 5 uninterrupted years together. He wasn't deployed! He was home and he was safe! This couldn't have happened. I still catch myself saying that. I did it the other day. Maybe it's just my brain trying to process everything. Because I still don't believe it.

I just want him back. Life is most definitely not fair.