i wish

I wish Michael were here so I could tell him how fucking crazy you are.
I would tell him about all the things you said about me.

About us.


About him.

I wish I could tell Michael about you so he could kick your ass already.
Because someone needs to.
I wish I could tell Michael about you because I know he would laugh at how utterly ridiculous you are.

I thought that this morning.
Earlier than I would have liked to.
And I just cried and cried and cried.
Because it hit me.
That I have been left alone to deal with all of the crazies, the bad people, the people who are only out there to hurt you, all by myself.
And I can't tell Michael about it. 
He's not here to protect me from it.
To come and save me from anything that is painful.

And then I thought, he probably already knows.
And I'm pretty sure he's laughing at you.
And I am damn sure that he has his money on me if it were ever to come down to a fight.
And I am pretty sure he is pulling strings for me - some how, to protect me. 

wordless

travels

Long time no post. I have decided that during this month, the last month that Michael was alive, I shouldn't spend much time at home. Because when I stay at home for too long, I dig myself into such a deep depression hole, not much can get me out of it. And especially this month, I don't want to give myself too much alone time.

The first week of October, I went with my sister to Manhattan. Five years ago, after I graduated high school, we went up there for a 4 day weekend. That trip was one of the best trips I had ever taken. We had such a good time, we did what we wanted and it was the first trip with my sister as adults, so that meant we both got along really well.

Leah and I on Canal Street in 2005

This trip was a little different. Yes, we had a good time. Yes, we got along. Yes, we did what we wanted. But it was different. I couldn't help but to compare my life now to the life I had five years ago. For the majority of the past five years, things have played out the way I expected them to. Except death got in the way. I shutter at the thought of another five years. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Will I even be alive then? Thoughts like that are never good because the only thing I can see when I think of five years from now is a black hole.

 First taxi ride in the city

 Central Park

We even went to go see Wicked. Which is awesome btw :)

This past week I was in Dallas, TX visiting friends of ours from the Marine Corps. These guys are like my brothers and they both recently got out of the Marines and have moved to Texas. When we were stationed at Camp Pendleton, you would most likely see one of these guys at our house. It was nice to just relax and hang out with friends who have stuck it out with me. But that the same time it was strange. Michael wasn't there. When ever we would hang out before everything happened, Michael would obviously be there too. It was like I was missing half of my whole. I didn't like it. I tried to make those feelings go away, but it was hard to hide them. I did enjoy though just sitting back and listening to them talk about the Marines and military stuff. I would jump in time to time and I was so surprised at how much I actually remembered. It was good to realize that that stuff isn't gone, it's just stored away because it's not likely that I am around Marines anymore.

Now I'm home. Dreading the upcoming weeks that are leading up to the one year mark. I have no idea how that day will be. How to even approach it. I have been having anxiety about this day ever since the day everything happened. So if you have any suggestions on what to do or stories of hitting your one year mark, please comment, email, facebook, whatever! I just need to know what to do!

I miss you so much. No words can describe how much I miss you. I need you. I want you.

I used to try to describe the pain, so that people can try to understand and maybe give them a better picture of what I am going through. But now I don't even know how to describe it. It has changed so much. It used to come and go. I feel like there is still a fog, but the pain comes through like a hot iron. It's such a constant feeling, I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. It's uncomfortable. It takes my breath away at times. Sometimes, when I'm doing normal everyday things, I have to stop and just lay down because it hurts so much. And sometimes, I have to stop writing because that hurts too much too.
 

hope

Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and the night. 

The hope that after you're gone from my sight, 

it will not be the last time that I look upon you. 

                          

                                    - A Knights Tale

october

So this morning I went to the mall. I found out there is finally a place in Ft. Myers that does eyebrow threading! If you don't know what that is, google it. It's much much better than waxing or plucking! After sitting in a chair for 10 minutes in pain (yeah, hurts more than waxing, but sooo worth it), I decided to go to starbucks. I ordered my skinny vanilla latte like usual. I start looking around the store and I take note of all the autumn decorations up and all their advertisements for pumpkin spice lattes. It occurred to me then that today is the first day of October. The last full month that Michael was alive. My eyes automatically welled up with tears. I didn't think it would be this hard. I knew this month was coming. Hell, I even blogged about it yesterday. But today it hit me like a train.

I couldn't get out of starbucks fast enough. I had intended to look around for some new fall clothes, but I had to get out of the mall. I don't normally get upset in public... alone. If I do, it's most likely with someone else when we are talking. But I couldn't hold it together. I tired to think of things that Michael and I did this month last year. It was filled with dog parks, photo shoots, salt water aquariums, double dates, motorcycle rides, work, school, doctors appointments, exams, papers, and halloween parties. Life, last year, this month, was perfect. But no matter how much I tried to think about the good, happy things, it didn't help. I am constantly reminded that we will never have those memories and moments again.

I couldn't make it out the mall fast enough, I had to put my sunglasses on inside before it was obvious. Once I got to my car I just broke. I needed to stop and get dog food, but I couldn't. I have a feeling this month will be hell.

I miss you so much Michael.
No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
Until we meet again...

oh this season...

I think as time goes on, I am slowly starting to come out of my "fog". Sometimes I am totally in the clear. I can breath, I can feel, I can realize. But soon after I have felt enough, that fog rolls in again and my mind is clouded. That's how it's been lately. I'm just here. Not feeling, not realizing, just breathing. A few days will pass by and I'll think to myself "what have I been doing the past couple of days?!". I genuinely won't remember a thing. It's like I am suspended is this life, not realizing that time is continuing.

It has become apparent to me that I am stuck. I am stuck in denial. I don't want to believe that he is gone. I still wear my wedding rings. I still say I'm married. I hate saying the word "widow". I don't feel like it fits me. Because I still feel like I am married. I have a ton of pictures of Michael and us on my walls. Sometimes I'll look at the pictures and I won't even be aware that he's gone. It's like my mind reverts back to 2008, and he is still deployed. I avoid painful things. I haven't gone to the cemetery in weeks. Michael's family put a porcelain picture of Michael on his slab of granite, and I have still yet to go see it because it just makes everything more real. I avoid talking about the lawsuit. I have been thinking about calling the San Diego Police Department to see have has been done concerning the case against the man who killed him. But I won't call, because it is too painful. I don't want this to be true. It's like I am that kid stomping her feet on the ground throwing a fit because I am not getting something I want. I want this not to be true.

It has been almost a year. It has been 328 days. I am staring at that number in disbelief. I don't want it to be that long since I have seen my love. It's now fall, the last season we spent together. It's about to be the last month that we spent together too. It breaks my heart. After November 6th, I can't say anymore "Well, last year we did this...".

I think fall was always our favorite season. It was always when marching band was in full swing with football games and competitions. Fall meant the Marine Corps Ball. Pumpkin spice lattes. Hot chocolate. Spending hours on end outside with the dogs. Halloween. Thanksgiving. When Michael was deployed, it always meant that the end was near. Wearing hoodies and sweaters. Snuggling. I miss this season meaning something good. Now, it's just another season that is here without Michael. This is the first season that I have been aware that it's another season without him. It sucks. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

I miss you so much.