my true friends

Sometimes I feel like grief, depression and anxiety are my only friends. We all sit in a circle on my king size bed holding hands because we are always connected. 

Depression leans over and whispers to me "You will never be that happy again. You are a fat piece of shit. You will always be alone. Death is easier than living. Go eat".  

Anxiety interrupts by screaming "EVERYONE YOU LOVE WILL DIE - DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE, YOU'LL GET INTO A CAR ACCIDENT AND DIE- A JET ENGINE WILL FALL FROM THE SKY AND LAND ON YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR DOG WILL DIE"! 

Then grief chimes in with "He is gone. You will never be able to look in his eyes, hold his hand or kiss his lips. No one will ever love you like he did. You will be alone for the rest of your miserable life". 

And this conversation seems to go on and on. Every. Single. Day. Grief - depression - anxiety are the friends that won't seem to go away, but yet they have been there since the beginning. They have been the constant since Michael has died. It almost seems like it would be another loss if they were to go away.

cosmic love

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine 

anticipation

Each of Michael's deployments landed on the same time schedule. Deploy to Iraq in January/February. Come home for R&R sometime around August, be home for 2 weeks. Then finally come home the next January. His first deployment, he walked into my arms on January 31st, my birthday. His last deployment he got to come home early because he was PCSing in February. So he was home on December 8th.

This time of year is usually when I would be anxiously waiting for him to get home. I would feel the rush of anticipation run through my body 24/7. It was annoying and frustrating and time always seemed to drag on longer. Counting down the days, hours, minutes, seconds for him to step foot off of that notorious white bus. I just wanted him home and I always felt like I could not wait a second longer to lay eyes on him.

For some reason, I am feeling that exact same way. I feel it in my whole mind, body and soul - the anticipation for something that will never come. It's so much more frustrating now because I know there is no light at the end of this tunnel. Heaven doesn't have white buses that you step out of to your loved ones. I know he's gone, so why am I feeling this way? Is it just this time of the year? Is my body just used to feeling this way because of the past?

Everyone who is further out than me always told me that going into the second year is so much worse than the first year. Holy shit, they were completely right. That stupid fog has lifted and I am feeling every bit of pain that I didn't feel before. And this whole anticipation for Michael's arrival that will never be is really throwing me for a loop. I hate it. I hate that this was our fate. I would give up anything in the world to have him back.