Has it come to that point?
Where people don't want to talk about Michael anymore?
When the only time his name is spoken is then it comes out of my mouth.
And when I do say his name or tell a story, it's quickly passed over with other conversation.
That point when I feel guilty for bringing up his name and making others feel uncomfortable.
Has Michael become that taboo subject that no one can bear to talk about anymore?
Or if he is talked about, it's done so in a hushed manor.
Has it come to that time when people question me for being in a bad mood?
When people start talking to me about making the most out of life. That life is too short not to be happy.
Where I feel like I have to put on a facade when I am around others, just so I'm not questioned.
That point when it's not even worth interacting with other humans because the only thing I want to do is scream "I'M A WIDOW AND YOU ARE STUPID!"
And when people start telling me about how horrible their life is.
It is that time.
I feel like there is this internal battle going on.
I feel like my heart is breaking even more.
One of my biggest fears is slowly coming true.
I have never wanted Michael to get pushed in the shadows and I feel like that's exactly what's happening.
Showing posts with label beginning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beginning. Show all posts
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Well I haven't written in 10 days. I don't really have much to write about I guess. Usually, before I write on here, I have a burning itch to write something. It's almost like I feel like I am going to be sick. That some way, if I don't get it out I am going to end up vomiting all over myself... or someone else. But if I can get to my computer when I have this stirring idea, I can successfully vomit in a toilet. :) Thank you blog for being my toilet.
I don't know where I am at right now. I haven't really cried in a few days. I cried over the weekend here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, those times that I cried was more like tearing up compared to the way I cry when I am alone. I feel like I am going back into that numbness again. That horrible fog that widows who are further out describe with a hint of annoyance. It really sucks not being able to feel anything. It's frustrating. I hate it.
However, this time is a little different. I do tend to get those breakthrough moments when I feel it. Where it hits me like a cannon ball. My blood catches on fire and I can't breathe. Michael is dead. I am not sure what triggers it, but it is happening more frequently. I wish it wouldn't happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want this to be real.
Lately, I have been trying to remember a lot of the things I have forgotten in the beginning. My brain shut down, allowed my body to go through the motions, it cushioned me from feeling the full amount of pain one should feel after losing their spouse. I don't remember much of anything. I remember bits and pieces but not the full picture. I don't understand my intense curiosity as to what all happened during the first few months after Michael was killed. But I want to know them. I need to know. So if you know anything... please describe in a comment.
Well that is all I have for now. If I feel the need to vomit, I know where to come to.
I don't know where I am at right now. I haven't really cried in a few days. I cried over the weekend here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, those times that I cried was more like tearing up compared to the way I cry when I am alone. I feel like I am going back into that numbness again. That horrible fog that widows who are further out describe with a hint of annoyance. It really sucks not being able to feel anything. It's frustrating. I hate it.
However, this time is a little different. I do tend to get those breakthrough moments when I feel it. Where it hits me like a cannon ball. My blood catches on fire and I can't breathe. Michael is dead. I am not sure what triggers it, but it is happening more frequently. I wish it wouldn't happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want this to be real.
Lately, I have been trying to remember a lot of the things I have forgotten in the beginning. My brain shut down, allowed my body to go through the motions, it cushioned me from feeling the full amount of pain one should feel after losing their spouse. I don't remember much of anything. I remember bits and pieces but not the full picture. I don't understand my intense curiosity as to what all happened during the first few months after Michael was killed. But I want to know them. I need to know. So if you know anything... please describe in a comment.
Well that is all I have for now. If I feel the need to vomit, I know where to come to.
Friday, July 9, 2010
dress
See, I have this dress. The first and the last time I wore this dress, it was brand new. I ordered it off of urban outfitters.com and it was fresh out of it's little plastic bag. Never worn before. The dress was a black and gray cotton dress with houndstooth (if you don't know what that means, google it) print. The first and last day I wore the dress I wore it with a black cardigan and black tights and a pair of black flats. I didn't realize it when I put this outfit together, that it would be so fitting for the events of the day.
The first and the last time I wore this dress was the day that Michael died.
Right now, I have the dress sitting in a pile of clothes that I will take to good will. I am tempted to take the dress out of the pile. I don't feel right about giving it away. It's not only the dress I wore the day Michael was killed, it was also the last thing he saw me in. The last piece of clothes I kissed my husband in. So although, I'll never wear it again, I think I will hang onto it for a while.
The first and the last time I wore this dress was the day that Michael died.
Right now, I have the dress sitting in a pile of clothes that I will take to good will. I am tempted to take the dress out of the pile. I don't feel right about giving it away. It's not only the dress I wore the day Michael was killed, it was also the last thing he saw me in. The last piece of clothes I kissed my husband in. So although, I'll never wear it again, I think I will hang onto it for a while.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
quick sand
I haven't been able to write anything lately. I don't know why. I guess my head is just full of junk and I can't seem to muddle my way through anything. I have been kind of going through the motions of life lately. Just allowing myself to be pulled ever which way.
I feel like I am sinking fast into a pool of quick sand. I feel like my grief is swallowing me whole. I don't even know which way is up anymore. I don't know the difference between right and wrong. I don't know anything anymore. I don't understand anything. All I know is that this sand is coming up fast and it is beginning to suffocate me. It's already got my arms trapped. It is slowly creeping up my chest and neck. Pretty soon it will be filling my mouth, ears and nose. But it won't matter because it is already hard to breathe.
Most of the time I am able to take my mind away from things. I have become good at busy work. Like working on my etsy stuff. Surrounding myself with people. Reading. I have realized that I could probably make a lot of money being an actress. It's not that I am being fake with anyone - it's just that I am able to act - put on a face for everyone. But it's exhausting. But I hide it so much to the point of where I have dreams of screaming and crying my eyes out.
I don't even know how to deal with my own self. Let alone anyone else's issues. I don't know why, but people seem to think that I am an ok person for them to come to with their problems. Maybe because I've been through hell and back, I might have some personal wisdom to share. I don't know. I don't get it. I wish it would just stop. I wish everything would just stop. I wish it all would have stopped 8 months ago.
I feel like I am sinking fast into a pool of quick sand. I feel like my grief is swallowing me whole. I don't even know which way is up anymore. I don't know the difference between right and wrong. I don't know anything anymore. I don't understand anything. All I know is that this sand is coming up fast and it is beginning to suffocate me. It's already got my arms trapped. It is slowly creeping up my chest and neck. Pretty soon it will be filling my mouth, ears and nose. But it won't matter because it is already hard to breathe.
Most of the time I am able to take my mind away from things. I have become good at busy work. Like working on my etsy stuff. Surrounding myself with people. Reading. I have realized that I could probably make a lot of money being an actress. It's not that I am being fake with anyone - it's just that I am able to act - put on a face for everyone. But it's exhausting. But I hide it so much to the point of where I have dreams of screaming and crying my eyes out.
I don't even know how to deal with my own self. Let alone anyone else's issues. I don't know why, but people seem to think that I am an ok person for them to come to with their problems. Maybe because I've been through hell and back, I might have some personal wisdom to share. I don't know. I don't get it. I wish it would just stop. I wish everything would just stop. I wish it all would have stopped 8 months ago.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Last night in our apartment
Well it has been almost 10 days since my last post. I haven't had much to say. This past week has been a tough week for me. I flew back to San Diego on the 14th to finish things up here and close this chapter in my life. This is another one of those situations where I just do not want to let go. Where I am digging my nails in trying to resist the inevitable. Coming here means that the apartment, the home, Michael and I shared together will be no more. The place where our last kiss occurred will be packed up and some other young couple or family will move in here. We got very lucky with our apartment. The size, the amenities, the location is absolutely amazing for the cost of rent. But what is even more priceless is the friends we met here. The memories that were made. The tears we shed and the laughs we shared here. This apartment is one of the last things, besides my love and memories, that I shared with Michael and will be boxed up and shipped to Florida tomorrow. I have secretly broken down a few times today, know that this is my last full day here. The last minute running around and packing my things has taken my mind off of it for a while, but it still does not lessen the dread. I feel sick to my stomach almost every day. Just knowing that my life from here on out is nothing like what Michael and I had planned for.
One of Michael's hobbies was his salt water aquarium. Ever since I realized that I was moving I have been dumbfounded as to what the heck am I going to with the fish when it came to moving. My only option until now was to give the fishies back to the fish store that we bought everything from. I was hoping they would be nice enough to maybe send them to me once I had the aquarium all set up back in Florida. However, it could be over a month from now. I am not sure how long it is going to be until I get my stuff and it takes about a month to fully set up a salt water aquarium before you can put fishies in there. Soo anyway, the conclusion of my story is, I asked our next door neighbors and really good friends if they would like to keep the fish tank. They gladly accepted. I don't know who wouldn't. I am happy I came to that conclusion because 1, I was getting stressed over what I am I going to do with them and 2, I know they are going to a good home. Michael worked hard to put this tank together and it would be a shame to just watch it go down the drain, literally.
Well the clock is about to hit 11 pm. There are still other things I need to go before I head to bed and finish my last day here in our apartment. I went around the place, taking pictures of every room, everything that was Michael and I in this apartment. I focused a lot on the kitchen and living room, mainly because that's where we spent a lot of our time. I miss him so much. I miss him more and more each day. I love you so much Michael. No one will ever take your place.
One of Michael's hobbies was his salt water aquarium. Ever since I realized that I was moving I have been dumbfounded as to what the heck am I going to with the fish when it came to moving. My only option until now was to give the fishies back to the fish store that we bought everything from. I was hoping they would be nice enough to maybe send them to me once I had the aquarium all set up back in Florida. However, it could be over a month from now. I am not sure how long it is going to be until I get my stuff and it takes about a month to fully set up a salt water aquarium before you can put fishies in there. Soo anyway, the conclusion of my story is, I asked our next door neighbors and really good friends if they would like to keep the fish tank. They gladly accepted. I don't know who wouldn't. I am happy I came to that conclusion because 1, I was getting stressed over what I am I going to do with them and 2, I know they are going to a good home. Michael worked hard to put this tank together and it would be a shame to just watch it go down the drain, literally.
Well the clock is about to hit 11 pm. There are still other things I need to go before I head to bed and finish my last day here in our apartment. I went around the place, taking pictures of every room, everything that was Michael and I in this apartment. I focused a lot on the kitchen and living room, mainly because that's where we spent a lot of our time. I miss him so much. I miss him more and more each day. I love you so much Michael. No one will ever take your place.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Ruined
The past couple of days have effin' sucked and I know this is just the beginning. I have been so numb since the very beginning and just now, almost 2 months in, I am getting little bit and pieces of the pain that lies beneath the numbness. It's hitting me hard. I've known this entire time that he has been gone, but it has only been recently that I have actually realized that my HUSBAND is the "d word". That he will never come home.
If it were not for some old fuckers poor judgement/vision/driving skills/whatever else, Michael would still be here. I blame nothing but that man. I cannot blame myself for asking Michael to feed the dogs, or the shop finishing up pt when they did, or the amount of time it took for us to say goodbye to each other that day, or for Michael riding his motorcycle. Michael was an amazing driver. I trusted him with my own life on that bike. He did everything he could have done to be safe. If it were not for that man, my husband would still be here and my life would not have been ruined.
People must not realize that because of this, my life is ruined. Michael's life was ruined. Our plans, our dreams, our physical love, initmacy, our life together, is ruined. I will no long have his companionship. My best friend is gone. When he left this earth he took me with him. I do not have the capacity to ever love someone like I love Michael. He took my happiness, my love, my heart, my future with him.
I keep saying to myself I would give anything and everything in this world just to be able to rewind time back to November 5th and just press pause. I would pause my life right at the part where Michael and I were laying in bed, about to go to sleep. The time that you spend together just talking before you commit to falling asleep. I was in his arms and at that point, there was nothing in this world that could have harmed me, I was safe. I miss that so much. I used to say that the greatest love of all, was the kind of love that can withstand being oceans apart for months on end. But now, unfortunately I know that the greatest, most true love of all is the type of love that can withstand being worlds apart. I can proudly say I know that love.
I know now that I truly have to take these times moment by moment. My brain is starting to work again and I am starting to feel again. And I hate it. The best way I have been able to describe the pain I feel is if you have read the Twilight Saga books. Corny, I know, but the author does a good way of describing how one would feel after losing a significant other. It was in the second book after Edward left Bella. It was the way the author described how Bella felt. If I had my books with me I would actually quote it for all you non-twilight readers. Once I go back to San Diego, I'll re-read the book and find what I want and put it on here.
This is all I have for today. Goodbye cruel world... until next time.
If it were not for some old fuckers poor judgement/vision/driving skills/whatever else, Michael would still be here. I blame nothing but that man. I cannot blame myself for asking Michael to feed the dogs, or the shop finishing up pt when they did, or the amount of time it took for us to say goodbye to each other that day, or for Michael riding his motorcycle. Michael was an amazing driver. I trusted him with my own life on that bike. He did everything he could have done to be safe. If it were not for that man, my husband would still be here and my life would not have been ruined.
People must not realize that because of this, my life is ruined. Michael's life was ruined. Our plans, our dreams, our physical love, initmacy, our life together, is ruined. I will no long have his companionship. My best friend is gone. When he left this earth he took me with him. I do not have the capacity to ever love someone like I love Michael. He took my happiness, my love, my heart, my future with him.
I keep saying to myself I would give anything and everything in this world just to be able to rewind time back to November 5th and just press pause. I would pause my life right at the part where Michael and I were laying in bed, about to go to sleep. The time that you spend together just talking before you commit to falling asleep. I was in his arms and at that point, there was nothing in this world that could have harmed me, I was safe. I miss that so much. I used to say that the greatest love of all, was the kind of love that can withstand being oceans apart for months on end. But now, unfortunately I know that the greatest, most true love of all is the type of love that can withstand being worlds apart. I can proudly say I know that love.
I know now that I truly have to take these times moment by moment. My brain is starting to work again and I am starting to feel again. And I hate it. The best way I have been able to describe the pain I feel is if you have read the Twilight Saga books. Corny, I know, but the author does a good way of describing how one would feel after losing a significant other. It was in the second book after Edward left Bella. It was the way the author described how Bella felt. If I had my books with me I would actually quote it for all you non-twilight readers. Once I go back to San Diego, I'll re-read the book and find what I want and put it on here.
This is all I have for today. Goodbye cruel world... until next time.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010
So midnight came and went. I tried to act as if it were any normal midnight, nothing special. I gritted my teeth the entire way through it because I did not want to go into a new year without Michael with me. I do not want to leave him behind in 2009. I hate the fact that I have to live my life without him here with me. I guess at the same time though, I should not be so resistant because I will always have Michael with me. He will always be in my heart and no one can take that away from me. It's just the physical being of Michael, the time passing since the last time I had him in my arms. It has almost been 2 months since the accident and I feel like I am digging my nails into the ground. I don't want time to pass I want to hold onto Michael and I do not want to let go. I don't want to grow away from him. I want to be the same Allison that I was when I was with him. It's inevitable, time will go on, I as a person, will grow and I will come out on the other side of this.
I did have a good time last night though. I am back in Florida now so my mom and I spent time together, we went out to eat at her favorite sushi place, Toyko Bay. Then we went over to Michael's parent's house and we went across the street to the neighbor's. There was nothing but old people there but it was a good time. I drink and ate some good Jewish food (Eddie and Marylyn are Jewish). I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. I am actually quite good at that, I just act goofy. I try to silence my pain; I have always been the suffer-in-silence type anyhow. I did not tell anyone "happy new year" though. I couldn't. For me, it's not happy. 2009 was the best and worst year of my life. Michael was FINALLY home! We did not have to worry about any upcoming deployments, nothing. Our marriage was finally perfect, the way we wanted it. We were establishing our family with the cat and dogs. We were trying to build up our future. We were on the right track. That's why I always say "the sky was the limit for us", corny I know, but it was true. It was the happiest I had been in my entire life and I am confident to say that Michael felt the same as well. I am just so sad/hurt/angry that it ended so quickly. The last two months have been the worst two months of my life. And I am sure I wouldn't be wrong if I added more to it as time goes on.
Anyway, we went to church today. I feel so amazing when I go to church. I have never felt such a strong, good feeling before in church as I do now. I would always go through the motions and never actually commit myself to God, until now. I figured that if my husband has to be gone, then I need to believe that he is in a better place and that when it is my time to go, I better be going where Michael is. I need to know that one day, I will be with my husband again.
With that being said, I have made a few new years promises (not resolutions, because I can never commit to those), one being that I am going to finally have my first communion and get confirmed and commit my life to god. The second promise is that I am going to start running. Michael always wanted me to run with him and I never could. One day, I want to run in marathons in his name. I know he would be proud if I did that. The third promise is that I am going to put myself first. I am going to take care of me. Selfish, I know, but after going through something like this, I deserve it.
Anyway, back to today. After church we went to breakfast/lunch at First Watch. Then we went to visit Michael. His engraving on his spot looks amazing. I took pictures of it and I will post them as soon as I download the pictures. The engraving only needs one more thing, the Marine Corps emblem. Which I accidentally forgot in the last proofing of the engraving. It looks absolutely beautiful. It is always a reality check when I see his name on there. I go through out the day knowing that he is gone. But I guess I don't actually realize it because when I see his name on anything like that, ugh it feels so real and the pain sinks in and I turn into Allison's shell.
Well I hope everyone has a healthy new year.
I miss you Michael more than anything. Please keep watching over us. I love you till no end. Baby, no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
I did have a good time last night though. I am back in Florida now so my mom and I spent time together, we went out to eat at her favorite sushi place, Toyko Bay. Then we went over to Michael's parent's house and we went across the street to the neighbor's. There was nothing but old people there but it was a good time. I drink and ate some good Jewish food (Eddie and Marylyn are Jewish). I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. I am actually quite good at that, I just act goofy. I try to silence my pain; I have always been the suffer-in-silence type anyhow. I did not tell anyone "happy new year" though. I couldn't. For me, it's not happy. 2009 was the best and worst year of my life. Michael was FINALLY home! We did not have to worry about any upcoming deployments, nothing. Our marriage was finally perfect, the way we wanted it. We were establishing our family with the cat and dogs. We were trying to build up our future. We were on the right track. That's why I always say "the sky was the limit for us", corny I know, but it was true. It was the happiest I had been in my entire life and I am confident to say that Michael felt the same as well. I am just so sad/hurt/angry that it ended so quickly. The last two months have been the worst two months of my life. And I am sure I wouldn't be wrong if I added more to it as time goes on.
Anyway, we went to church today. I feel so amazing when I go to church. I have never felt such a strong, good feeling before in church as I do now. I would always go through the motions and never actually commit myself to God, until now. I figured that if my husband has to be gone, then I need to believe that he is in a better place and that when it is my time to go, I better be going where Michael is. I need to know that one day, I will be with my husband again.
With that being said, I have made a few new years promises (not resolutions, because I can never commit to those), one being that I am going to finally have my first communion and get confirmed and commit my life to god. The second promise is that I am going to start running. Michael always wanted me to run with him and I never could. One day, I want to run in marathons in his name. I know he would be proud if I did that. The third promise is that I am going to put myself first. I am going to take care of me. Selfish, I know, but after going through something like this, I deserve it.
Anyway, back to today. After church we went to breakfast/lunch at First Watch. Then we went to visit Michael. His engraving on his spot looks amazing. I took pictures of it and I will post them as soon as I download the pictures. The engraving only needs one more thing, the Marine Corps emblem. Which I accidentally forgot in the last proofing of the engraving. It looks absolutely beautiful. It is always a reality check when I see his name on there. I go through out the day knowing that he is gone. But I guess I don't actually realize it because when I see his name on anything like that, ugh it feels so real and the pain sinks in and I turn into Allison's shell.
Well I hope everyone has a healthy new year.
I miss you Michael more than anything. Please keep watching over us. I love you till no end. Baby, no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Eulogy
At Michael's funeral, I got up and gave the eulogy. People ask me how I did it and I really don't know how to answer them. I just did. I really had no idea what is supposed to go into a eulogy, so I just talked about him and told everyone about the Michael that I am so in love with.
Here it is...
Michael Martins was born on August 24th, 1986 in Livingston New Jersey. He was born to a very beautiful and loving family. Gene and Maria Martins already had a son, Daniel, who is 4 years older than Michael. Shortly after the birth of Michael, the family welcomed a baby girl, Crystal, into their lives. At that time, their family was complete.
I remember hearing stories of their childhood, Dan and Michael riding bikes and some how, on more than one occasion, with the help of Dan, Michael managed to get hit by a car, no matter if it was moving or parked. Not once, but twice. The small family of 5 decided to move to Cape Coral Fl in 1993. They moved to the house that they have lived in ever since. Michael would tell me stories about how Dan did not want to hang out with his younger brother, so he resorted to playing kitchen with Crystal in the back yard. From what Maria and Gene, and pretty much everyone else who was close to him explained to me how Michael knew how to pitch a fit, be independent, and he certainly knew how to be completely stubborn.
When it came to high school, Michael followed his brother Dan over to Mariner High School. He also followed his bother and played the tuba in both concert band and marching band.
I met Michael when I was 14 years old. I lived down the street from Michael for about a year before we even knew each other. I didn’t meet my neighbor until summer band practices in 2001. Our parents coordinated times to pick up and drop us off for school, mandatory band practices, competitions, and football games. Michael would always try to flirt with me. Which would consist of poking me in the side or awkwardly trying to tickle me. This, obviously prevented me from perusing things with Michael for the majority of our high school experience. Ever since Michael and I got together, almost every time I see Maria, she tells me the story how she kept asking Michael to go and ask me out, he always said no. He would shyly claim that we are just friends.
During high school, Michael obviously was the class clown. It would not be surprising if you saw him running around the band room before competitions in boxers, goofing off with the tuba section, or committing inappropriate acts with his tuba. Michael was always a dedicated tuba player and would commit a lot of his free time to practicing and improving his tuba skills. Michael’s best friends, Stacey and Bryan were practically all attached, they all shared an obsession for Harry Potter. I remember, they even exchanged Harry Potter paraphernalia for one Christmas.
During Michael’s senior year, he was voted by his graduating class as having the “best smile” which we alllllll know is sooo true and sooo appropriate. He was also elected as tuba section leader. As a senior in high school, Michael made the decision to enlist in the United States Marine Corps. After graduating from high school, he went to Parris Island, South Carolina for Marine Corps Boot Camp in the summer of 2004.
While at boot camp he held a squad leader position for a portion of his time there. Every once in a while he would mention to me how much he missed boot camp and from time to time he would make fun of the DIs.
Michael then attended Marine Combat Training at Camp Lejune, North Carolina. After Michael graduated from MCT school, he came home for recruiter assistant leave. Right after Michael came home he decided to give my best friend Jamie and call to see what was going on... However, at that time, Jamie had a boyfriend, but I was completely single. Jamie immediately passed the phone over to me after she explained to him that I was available. The next day, Michael gave me a call and we decided to go on a date to “junk-a-noos” on the beach. It was such an awkward time for the both of us because we were SUCH good friends during high school and it just did not seem natural, but none the less we did have an amazing time. Our liking for each other grew, and before we both knew it, we fell in love. I still remember our first kiss together and I can still feel those butterflies flutter in my stomach. But we soon both realized that our relationship would not last because Michael had a career ahead of him and I was still in high school.
Michael attended the Marine Air Ground Task Force Training at the Navy and Marine Corps Training Center in Dam Neck, Virginia. The Marine Corps considers this MOS, or Marine Occupational School for the Intelligence field. Michael then met his brothers in arms, Stephen Otico and Travis Silvest. While Michael was on student status, Michael was meritoriously promoted to Lance Corporal on March 2nd, 2005. When Michael graduated from MOS school he graduated 12th in his class in May 2005. Upon graduating Michael, along with Otico, Silvest and Jack Britton, were assigned to Head Quarters Company 5th Marine Regiment in Camp Pendleton California.
So it was not until about 6 months after we broke things off, Michael and I started to talk again. He reconnected with me on a little website known as Myspace. After 1 day of e-mailing, we started communicating on the phone and we talked everyday for a month straight. During this time, Michael asked me if I would like to attend the Marine Corps Ball with him in Las Vegas NV in November of 2005. Obviously I said yes.
Three months later, in February of 2006, Michael was deployed to Camp Fallujah, Iraq. While there, Michael was sent to work with 1st Battalion 1st Marines to support their S-2 shop. During his deployment, Michael got promoted to the rank of Corporal. He was Corporal Michael Martins. He finally came home on January 31st, 2007, which is actually my birthday. Maria, Gene, Daniel, Crystal, and I all welcomed him only on a rainy morning. On that particular day, I found out that I got accepted to San Diego State University in California. This information changed my life.
Shortly after his return to the United States, Michael came home to visit his family and I. ::MENTION STORY OF HOW HE WAS TOO AFRAID TO ASK DAD TO MARRY ME:: Michael finally mustered up the courage to propose to me on March 18th, 2007.
Michael and I said our beloved “I do’s” to each other on May 12th, 2007. We had a perfect and beautiful ceremony on Fort Myers Beach in the presence of our parents and siblings. Even though it was not exactly the wedding that either one of us hoped or dreamed for, it ended up being everything and more. it was the best day of both of our lives. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life.
One short month later, I made the cross country trip from Florida to San Diego California to be with my new husband. Married life came so easy and natural to us. Michael would work during the week and I started up my education in hopes to one day to become a nurse.
During this time Michael became friends with Robert Greenwood, Daryl Mullins, and his best friend Trey Stewart. Those three were constantly at our house and they quickly became family.
Unfortunately, in January of 2008, my family, Michael, Travis, Stephen, Jack, Robert, Daryl, and Trey all got deployed to Al Asad Iraq. During this particular tour Michael bounced around Iraq helping out other units and battalions in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. On October 1st, 2008, Michael made the choice to reenlist in the United States Marine Corps and promised to commit another four years to our country. Michael finally got on a plane December 6th, 2008 and arrived home 2 days later.
On January 1st, 2009 Michael was finally promoted and he gave me the honors of pinning on his new rank of Sergeant. While trying to adjust to our lives of living together again, Michael and I made a permanent change of duty station to Miramar California, which is still in San Diego. Michael was assigned to Head Quarters Squadron, Marine Aircraft Group 11. Around the same time, we adopted our goober of a pup, Koby. More recently, in July we adopted our lovable baby pit bull, Milo.
Over the last year, Michael had been constantly working on his package to the Marine Enlisted Commissioning Education Program, which would allow him to go to college and upon graduation, be commissioned as a Marine Corps Officer. We both decided that this would be the best decision to ensure us of the best life possible.
Michael and I hoped to one day have children, we even coordinated with Daniel and his beautiful wife AnnMarie to have a soccer team of children. We wanted to travel and see the world. We hoped to purchase and own our own house, and maybe even one day a BMW to park inside the garage. We were on top of the word and for us, the sky was the limit.
Just over a week ago, you cooked me dinner. Just over a week ago you were contemplating if it was a good idea to rent or buy a house. Just over a week ago you were taking the pups out and nagged me about what time I would be out of class. Just over a week ago you bugged me about the laundry, and a apologized about the amount of time I spent at work and school. Just over a week ago you told me you loved me and kiss me good bye.
If I have learned anything from this horrible horrible situation its just how much you really loved me, how much you have touched everyone in your life, and just how much you will be missed Michael Martins. I love you forever and infinity my Tayte!!!!
There is a part in there, the second to last paragragh that I could not read. I would not have been able to make it to the end, so I just skipped to the last paragragh.
I love you Michael.
Here it is...
Michael Martins was born on August 24th, 1986 in Livingston New Jersey. He was born to a very beautiful and loving family. Gene and Maria Martins already had a son, Daniel, who is 4 years older than Michael. Shortly after the birth of Michael, the family welcomed a baby girl, Crystal, into their lives. At that time, their family was complete.
I remember hearing stories of their childhood, Dan and Michael riding bikes and some how, on more than one occasion, with the help of Dan, Michael managed to get hit by a car, no matter if it was moving or parked. Not once, but twice. The small family of 5 decided to move to Cape Coral Fl in 1993. They moved to the house that they have lived in ever since. Michael would tell me stories about how Dan did not want to hang out with his younger brother, so he resorted to playing kitchen with Crystal in the back yard. From what Maria and Gene, and pretty much everyone else who was close to him explained to me how Michael knew how to pitch a fit, be independent, and he certainly knew how to be completely stubborn.
When it came to high school, Michael followed his brother Dan over to Mariner High School. He also followed his bother and played the tuba in both concert band and marching band.
I met Michael when I was 14 years old. I lived down the street from Michael for about a year before we even knew each other. I didn’t meet my neighbor until summer band practices in 2001. Our parents coordinated times to pick up and drop us off for school, mandatory band practices, competitions, and football games. Michael would always try to flirt with me. Which would consist of poking me in the side or awkwardly trying to tickle me. This, obviously prevented me from perusing things with Michael for the majority of our high school experience. Ever since Michael and I got together, almost every time I see Maria, she tells me the story how she kept asking Michael to go and ask me out, he always said no. He would shyly claim that we are just friends.
During high school, Michael obviously was the class clown. It would not be surprising if you saw him running around the band room before competitions in boxers, goofing off with the tuba section, or committing inappropriate acts with his tuba. Michael was always a dedicated tuba player and would commit a lot of his free time to practicing and improving his tuba skills. Michael’s best friends, Stacey and Bryan were practically all attached, they all shared an obsession for Harry Potter. I remember, they even exchanged Harry Potter paraphernalia for one Christmas.
During Michael’s senior year, he was voted by his graduating class as having the “best smile” which we alllllll know is sooo true and sooo appropriate. He was also elected as tuba section leader. As a senior in high school, Michael made the decision to enlist in the United States Marine Corps. After graduating from high school, he went to Parris Island, South Carolina for Marine Corps Boot Camp in the summer of 2004.
While at boot camp he held a squad leader position for a portion of his time there. Every once in a while he would mention to me how much he missed boot camp and from time to time he would make fun of the DIs.
Michael then attended Marine Combat Training at Camp Lejune, North Carolina. After Michael graduated from MCT school, he came home for recruiter assistant leave. Right after Michael came home he decided to give my best friend Jamie and call to see what was going on... However, at that time, Jamie had a boyfriend, but I was completely single. Jamie immediately passed the phone over to me after she explained to him that I was available. The next day, Michael gave me a call and we decided to go on a date to “junk-a-noos” on the beach. It was such an awkward time for the both of us because we were SUCH good friends during high school and it just did not seem natural, but none the less we did have an amazing time. Our liking for each other grew, and before we both knew it, we fell in love. I still remember our first kiss together and I can still feel those butterflies flutter in my stomach. But we soon both realized that our relationship would not last because Michael had a career ahead of him and I was still in high school.
Michael attended the Marine Air Ground Task Force Training at the Navy and Marine Corps Training Center in Dam Neck, Virginia. The Marine Corps considers this MOS, or Marine Occupational School for the Intelligence field. Michael then met his brothers in arms, Stephen Otico and Travis Silvest. While Michael was on student status, Michael was meritoriously promoted to Lance Corporal on March 2nd, 2005. When Michael graduated from MOS school he graduated 12th in his class in May 2005. Upon graduating Michael, along with Otico, Silvest and Jack Britton, were assigned to Head Quarters Company 5th Marine Regiment in Camp Pendleton California.
So it was not until about 6 months after we broke things off, Michael and I started to talk again. He reconnected with me on a little website known as Myspace. After 1 day of e-mailing, we started communicating on the phone and we talked everyday for a month straight. During this time, Michael asked me if I would like to attend the Marine Corps Ball with him in Las Vegas NV in November of 2005. Obviously I said yes.
Three months later, in February of 2006, Michael was deployed to Camp Fallujah, Iraq. While there, Michael was sent to work with 1st Battalion 1st Marines to support their S-2 shop. During his deployment, Michael got promoted to the rank of Corporal. He was Corporal Michael Martins. He finally came home on January 31st, 2007, which is actually my birthday. Maria, Gene, Daniel, Crystal, and I all welcomed him only on a rainy morning. On that particular day, I found out that I got accepted to San Diego State University in California. This information changed my life.
Shortly after his return to the United States, Michael came home to visit his family and I. ::MENTION STORY OF HOW HE WAS TOO AFRAID TO ASK DAD TO MARRY ME:: Michael finally mustered up the courage to propose to me on March 18th, 2007.
Michael and I said our beloved “I do’s” to each other on May 12th, 2007. We had a perfect and beautiful ceremony on Fort Myers Beach in the presence of our parents and siblings. Even though it was not exactly the wedding that either one of us hoped or dreamed for, it ended up being everything and more. it was the best day of both of our lives. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life.
One short month later, I made the cross country trip from Florida to San Diego California to be with my new husband. Married life came so easy and natural to us. Michael would work during the week and I started up my education in hopes to one day to become a nurse.
During this time Michael became friends with Robert Greenwood, Daryl Mullins, and his best friend Trey Stewart. Those three were constantly at our house and they quickly became family.
Unfortunately, in January of 2008, my family, Michael, Travis, Stephen, Jack, Robert, Daryl, and Trey all got deployed to Al Asad Iraq. During this particular tour Michael bounced around Iraq helping out other units and battalions in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. On October 1st, 2008, Michael made the choice to reenlist in the United States Marine Corps and promised to commit another four years to our country. Michael finally got on a plane December 6th, 2008 and arrived home 2 days later.
On January 1st, 2009 Michael was finally promoted and he gave me the honors of pinning on his new rank of Sergeant. While trying to adjust to our lives of living together again, Michael and I made a permanent change of duty station to Miramar California, which is still in San Diego. Michael was assigned to Head Quarters Squadron, Marine Aircraft Group 11. Around the same time, we adopted our goober of a pup, Koby. More recently, in July we adopted our lovable baby pit bull, Milo.
Over the last year, Michael had been constantly working on his package to the Marine Enlisted Commissioning Education Program, which would allow him to go to college and upon graduation, be commissioned as a Marine Corps Officer. We both decided that this would be the best decision to ensure us of the best life possible.
Michael and I hoped to one day have children, we even coordinated with Daniel and his beautiful wife AnnMarie to have a soccer team of children. We wanted to travel and see the world. We hoped to purchase and own our own house, and maybe even one day a BMW to park inside the garage. We were on top of the word and for us, the sky was the limit.
Just over a week ago, you cooked me dinner. Just over a week ago you were contemplating if it was a good idea to rent or buy a house. Just over a week ago you were taking the pups out and nagged me about what time I would be out of class. Just over a week ago you bugged me about the laundry, and a apologized about the amount of time I spent at work and school. Just over a week ago you told me you loved me and kiss me good bye.
If I have learned anything from this horrible horrible situation its just how much you really loved me, how much you have touched everyone in your life, and just how much you will be missed Michael Martins. I love you forever and infinity my Tayte!!!!
There is a part in there, the second to last paragragh that I could not read. I would not have been able to make it to the end, so I just skipped to the last paragragh.
I love you Michael.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Bah hum bug
Seriously. I could care less about Christmas this year. Yes, I am celebrating the birth of our savor, Jesus Christ, but besides that, I could care less about presents, trees, lights, songs, shopping, or santa. My heart is broken and there really isn't any room in the pieces for Christmas. Michael and I were supposed to spend Christmas alone this year. This was going to be the first Christmas together that we did not have to travel, no worrying about getting up at the crack of dawn to catch flights, no packing, nothing. Just us with our boys and girl. I want that time back and I am angry that I will never have it.
I am in Kansas right now visiting my dad, step-mom, and brothers and sisters. It's a good way to take my mind off things. My sister Alexis is about 8 1/2 months pregnant and I am so proud of her. She is giving her baby girl up for adoption to a very loving couple who lives in New York City. I am so proud of her because she realized that she would not be able to give her child a good life in the situation is she is: a college girl with no significant other. Out of this crappy situation, she is bringing this couple so much joy and happiness. I really am so proud of her.
I have been thinking a lot about Michael and him being a father. I have always had visions of him holding our baby after it was born and seeing him beaming from ear to ear with tears in his eyes. He was going to be an amazing father. I am not going to lie, I thought I was pregnant after the accident and the odds were in my favor. But I'm not. I figured it would be fine either way. But I was hoping that I really was pregnant. Michael will never have the chance to be a dad. There are so many things that make me so angry! He was not supposed to die!
I had a dream last night about Michael. In this dream I was concerned because Michael was on deployment to Iraq and he did not call me for about two to three weeks. I had gotten a call from the FRO (family readiness officer) saying that Michael was hurt, but he was ok. For some reason, in this dream I wasn't really too worried though. I did not know about the seriousness of his injuries. I was just patient about getting a phone call from him, eventually. Which is actually weird because I know for a fact, in that case I would not be patient. Anyway, back to the dream, out of the blue, Michael comes home. I was so happy to see him and I found out that his injuries really were not all that bad. At first I thought that he was deaf because he was trying to talk to me but he couldn't. Then I found out that his legs went paralyzed because he sat on the toilet for too long (which does not surprise me, Michael would do something like that) but he was fine. No physical injuries that I could see. That was it. That was my dream. Nothing about living happily ever after. I don't know if he stayed with me after he came home.
Lately I have been feeling sort of upset and down in the dumps because many other people have had these significant dreams about Michael. Almost like Michael reached out to them from Heaven to let them know that he was ok. I'm just jealous I guess because I am his wife, the love of his life. If he was able to reach out to other people to give them messages, then why wouldn't he reach out to me? I just miss Michael. More than he will ever know.
No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
I am in Kansas right now visiting my dad, step-mom, and brothers and sisters. It's a good way to take my mind off things. My sister Alexis is about 8 1/2 months pregnant and I am so proud of her. She is giving her baby girl up for adoption to a very loving couple who lives in New York City. I am so proud of her because she realized that she would not be able to give her child a good life in the situation is she is: a college girl with no significant other. Out of this crappy situation, she is bringing this couple so much joy and happiness. I really am so proud of her.
I have been thinking a lot about Michael and him being a father. I have always had visions of him holding our baby after it was born and seeing him beaming from ear to ear with tears in his eyes. He was going to be an amazing father. I am not going to lie, I thought I was pregnant after the accident and the odds were in my favor. But I'm not. I figured it would be fine either way. But I was hoping that I really was pregnant. Michael will never have the chance to be a dad. There are so many things that make me so angry! He was not supposed to die!
I had a dream last night about Michael. In this dream I was concerned because Michael was on deployment to Iraq and he did not call me for about two to three weeks. I had gotten a call from the FRO (family readiness officer) saying that Michael was hurt, but he was ok. For some reason, in this dream I wasn't really too worried though. I did not know about the seriousness of his injuries. I was just patient about getting a phone call from him, eventually. Which is actually weird because I know for a fact, in that case I would not be patient. Anyway, back to the dream, out of the blue, Michael comes home. I was so happy to see him and I found out that his injuries really were not all that bad. At first I thought that he was deaf because he was trying to talk to me but he couldn't. Then I found out that his legs went paralyzed because he sat on the toilet for too long (which does not surprise me, Michael would do something like that) but he was fine. No physical injuries that I could see. That was it. That was my dream. Nothing about living happily ever after. I don't know if he stayed with me after he came home.
Lately I have been feeling sort of upset and down in the dumps because many other people have had these significant dreams about Michael. Almost like Michael reached out to them from Heaven to let them know that he was ok. I'm just jealous I guess because I am his wife, the love of his life. If he was able to reach out to other people to give them messages, then why wouldn't he reach out to me? I just miss Michael. More than he will ever know.
No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Strong
When you hear about something as tragic as someone losing their husband it definitely breaks your heart. I hear people all the time tell me that they cannot imagine what I am going through. That I am so strong for getting things done and doing the necessary things. Some people have even told me that if it were them, they don't know how they would get up and out of bed. How they would be a total wreck. Ultimately, I do not know what to think when people tell me these things. The first thing I feel is guilt. Should I be in bed all day? I'm not, do I not miss my husband or am I just not as effected as someone else might be? Then after I really think about it, I get pissed because that person (without realizing it) made me feel guilty for not mourning my husband the way they would.
I have come to three conclusions as to why I have not done said acts. First, Michael and I have spent about half of our relationship/marriage away from one another. So it is not totally a new thing to not be around him 24/7. Second, I really have not been alone much. The few times that I have been by myself I am typically in bed. I try not to be because I know if I do so, I will be an effin' mess. Finally, I am literally a walking shell. I look like Allison, I talk like Allison, but I am really not Allison. I lost myself when I lost Michael. My brain has officially taken over and reverted to autopilot. The majority of the time I am numb. I know that Michael is gone. I feel my blood boiling underneath my skin when I think that I will never be able to touch his perfect face again or taste his kiss or smell his essence, his being. When I actually let myself take this all in, then I am a mess.
I think for now, I will let my brain do its job and keep me numb for a little while longer. I have the rest of my life to feel this blood boiling pain.
I love you so much Michael. Just remember, no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
Much love,
The shell of Allison Martins :)
I have come to three conclusions as to why I have not done said acts. First, Michael and I have spent about half of our relationship/marriage away from one another. So it is not totally a new thing to not be around him 24/7. Second, I really have not been alone much. The few times that I have been by myself I am typically in bed. I try not to be because I know if I do so, I will be an effin' mess. Finally, I am literally a walking shell. I look like Allison, I talk like Allison, but I am really not Allison. I lost myself when I lost Michael. My brain has officially taken over and reverted to autopilot. The majority of the time I am numb. I know that Michael is gone. I feel my blood boiling underneath my skin when I think that I will never be able to touch his perfect face again or taste his kiss or smell his essence, his being. When I actually let myself take this all in, then I am a mess.
I think for now, I will let my brain do its job and keep me numb for a little while longer. I have the rest of my life to feel this blood boiling pain.
I love you so much Michael. Just remember, no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
Much love,
The shell of Allison Martins :)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Energy
Like always, I am thinking about Michael. When Michael was here with us he always had this huge energy that drew people towards him (he definitely drew me in). He had such a huge personality. In my opinion, he effected everyone in the room. He was full of life and energy. Where does that all go? I am a firm believer in science and in the 1st law of thermodynamics it says: "energy is neither created nor destroyed. It can only change forms." I truly believe that Michael's energy is still here. His energy, by law, could not have been destroyed. I am actually comforted by this. I miss him more than anything. I pray to God everyday that he takes me soon because I am hurting here on earth.
Michael I miss you so much. I love you so much. I will be with you soon.
No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
Michael I miss you so much. I love you so much. I will be with you soon.
No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
Monday, December 7, 2009
No title needed
It has been just over a month since Michael passed away. I cannot believe that it has been this long already and it seems like it was just yesterday. I hate talking about the way I found out. It is far too painful to relive. Maybe someday I'll write about it but as of right now, there is no chance in hell.
Lately I have been numb. There have been a few distractions that have kept my mind from thinking about the loss but those distractions are only good for a small chunk of time. I miss Michael more than anything in the world. I know I have to continue living my life. I know that I must get up in the morning, get dressed and function like a normal human being. I know that if I didn't, I would not be representing Michael very well. I am proud of myself, however. There has not been one day that I have laid in bed all day. There have been days that I have gotten up and slept some place other than my bed, but I think that only happened twice. I believe this is due to the huge amount of things I need to get done. The phone calls, arrangements, thank you cards, family visits, holidays, and the list goes on.
I am so sad because Michael and I had so many plans and expectations for the way we wanted to live our lives. I am absolutely heartbroken that none of those dreams get to be lived out. Although, I am going to do the things that I can do myself. Like: buy a house, travel and see the world, love and take care of our dogs and cat to the best of my ability, take advantage of the time I have with my family, make my relationship with God much stronger, and carry my husband in my heart for the rest of my life. I love you Michael.
My plans for this blog is to sort of document, unfortunately, my life after the loss of my husband. Many people have told me that writing will help. In the next coming months I will be moving and traveling. I bought myself a christmas present this year, a brand new Sony a330 DSLR camera. I will be able to capture moments of my life, my travels, and my rebuilding. I hope whoever reads this will keep Michael in their heart and keep his memory alive.
I posted on my facebook today: The amount of tears I've cried is nothing compared to the pain inside. The time I've missed you has gone so quick, one month has passed and I am still effin' pissed, that you're up there and I'm down here, I feel as if I don't deserve to live without you here. I forget that you are no longer alive, but I will sure keep you livi...ng in my mind. I love you so much Michael. I just cannot believe that we will never be able to do the things we wanted to do like having children, buying a house, seeing the things we wanted to see, being two crazy old people stuck together for the rest of our lives, and just living everyday together in love. You will forever be my Tayte. I will forever be yours. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
Lately I have been numb. There have been a few distractions that have kept my mind from thinking about the loss but those distractions are only good for a small chunk of time. I miss Michael more than anything in the world. I know I have to continue living my life. I know that I must get up in the morning, get dressed and function like a normal human being. I know that if I didn't, I would not be representing Michael very well. I am proud of myself, however. There has not been one day that I have laid in bed all day. There have been days that I have gotten up and slept some place other than my bed, but I think that only happened twice. I believe this is due to the huge amount of things I need to get done. The phone calls, arrangements, thank you cards, family visits, holidays, and the list goes on.
I am so sad because Michael and I had so many plans and expectations for the way we wanted to live our lives. I am absolutely heartbroken that none of those dreams get to be lived out. Although, I am going to do the things that I can do myself. Like: buy a house, travel and see the world, love and take care of our dogs and cat to the best of my ability, take advantage of the time I have with my family, make my relationship with God much stronger, and carry my husband in my heart for the rest of my life. I love you Michael.
My plans for this blog is to sort of document, unfortunately, my life after the loss of my husband. Many people have told me that writing will help. In the next coming months I will be moving and traveling. I bought myself a christmas present this year, a brand new Sony a330 DSLR camera. I will be able to capture moments of my life, my travels, and my rebuilding. I hope whoever reads this will keep Michael in their heart and keep his memory alive.
I posted on my facebook today: The amount of tears I've cried is nothing compared to the pain inside. The time I've missed you has gone so quick, one month has passed and I am still effin' pissed, that you're up there and I'm down here, I feel as if I don't deserve to live without you here. I forget that you are no longer alive, but I will sure keep you livi...ng in my mind. I love you so much Michael. I just cannot believe that we will never be able to do the things we wanted to do like having children, buying a house, seeing the things we wanted to see, being two crazy old people stuck together for the rest of our lives, and just living everyday together in love. You will forever be my Tayte. I will forever be yours. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
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