Well I haven't written in 10 days. I don't really have much to write about I guess. Usually, before I write on here, I have a burning itch to write something. It's almost like I feel like I am going to be sick. That some way, if I don't get it out I am going to end up vomiting all over myself... or someone else. But if I can get to my computer when I have this stirring idea, I can successfully vomit in a toilet. :) Thank you blog for being my toilet.

I don't know where I am at right now. I haven't really cried in a few days. I cried over the weekend here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, those times that I cried was more like tearing up compared to the way I cry when I am alone. I feel like I am going back into that numbness again. That horrible fog that widows who are further out describe with a hint of annoyance. It really sucks not being able to feel anything. It's frustrating. I hate it.

However, this time is a little different. I do tend to get those breakthrough moments when I feel it. Where it hits me like a cannon ball. My blood catches on fire and I can't breathe. Michael is dead. I am not sure what triggers it, but it is happening more frequently. I wish it wouldn't happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want this to be real.

Lately, I have been trying to remember a lot of the things I have forgotten in the beginning. My brain shut down, allowed my body to go through the motions, it cushioned me from feeling the full amount of pain one should feel after losing their spouse. I don't remember much of anything. I remember bits and pieces but not the full picture. I don't understand my intense curiosity as to what all happened during the first few months after Michael was killed. But I want to know them. I need to know. So if you know anything... please describe in a comment.

Well that is all I have for now. If I feel the need to vomit, I know where to come to.

quick sand

I haven't been able to write anything lately. I don't know why. I guess my head is just full of junk and I can't seem to muddle my way through anything. I have been kind of going through the motions of life lately. Just allowing myself to be pulled ever which way.

I feel like I am sinking fast into a pool of quick sand. I feel like my grief is swallowing me whole. I don't even know which way is up anymore. I don't know the difference between right and wrong. I don't know anything anymore. I don't understand anything. All I know is that this sand is coming up fast and it is beginning to suffocate me. It's already got my arms trapped. It is slowly creeping up my chest and neck. Pretty soon it will be filling my mouth, ears and nose. But it won't matter because it is already hard to breathe.

Most of the time I am able to take my mind away from things. I have become good at busy work. Like working on my etsy stuff. Surrounding myself with people. Reading. I have realized that I could probably make a lot of money being an actress. It's not that I am being fake with anyone - it's just that I am able to act - put on a face for everyone. But it's exhausting. But I hide it so much to the point of where I have dreams of screaming and crying my eyes out.

I don't even know how to deal with my own self. Let alone anyone else's issues. I don't know why, but people seem to think that I am an ok person for them to come to with their problems. Maybe because I've been through hell and back, I might have some personal wisdom to share. I don't know. I don't get it. I wish it would just stop. I wish everything would just stop. I wish it all would have stopped 8 months ago.

run away

Lately my head has been mush. What's new? I can't seem to sort out my thoughts. And I hate that. I go through these cycles. Numb. Dumb. Angry. Pissed. Annoyed at everything. Sad. Always depressed.

I hate my life. I hate everything. I listed in a previous blog the things I am thankful for. And that's about it. Everything else can go away. And sometimes - I want all of those "silver linings" to go away too! I think my conclusion is - I just want to run away. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. I want to be alone. I don't want to deal with anyone or talk to anyone. I miss Michael sooo much. When he was deployed, I couldn't deal with him being gone for so long. I never thought that it was possible to miss someone so much. I miss him a million times more than that. No. Infinity times more than that. It's ridiculous how much I miss that man.

If I can't have him, I don't want anyone or anything. It doesn't matter anymore. I just want to run away from everyone and everything that isn't Michael.

I feel like I am starting not to make sense anymore. And I don't care. This whole thing doesn't make sense. Michael dying - doesn't make sense. I mean obviously, we all die someday. But him, dying so young, doesn't make sense. How can someone just die? We had agreed to do the whole old, gray and nursing home thing. And now we're not. And that doesn't make sense.

If it wasn't almost 2 am, I would hop in my car and just start driving. I would drive until I didn't know where I was, and I would still continue to drive. I just want to go away.

But I can't. I'm stuck. And that is so frustrating.

vent

Today I feel like I hate everything.

I hate facebook. I hate seeing every one's perfect lives. I hate seeing people's status updates and pictures and their happy lives. I hate it. I hate seeing people bragging about their husbands and them doing nice things. No one cares. Do people really get off on expressing to others how "perfect" their lives are?! You aren't making any one's life any better, you're not benefiting anyone by bragging about your wonderful life. I can only assume that you are doing it to make yourself feel better. I would really love to delete my facebook. But if I do that, I am sure I will be getting phone calls from everyone under the sun checking to see if I am still alive. Unfortunately, it's my connection to the outside world, my connection to the friends that I do have.

I hate that I am alone. I don't mind no one being around. I mind that Michael isn't here anymore. I just want my husband home! I would never wish this on anyone at all. I still cannot believe that this is my life now. I'm a widow. I still have a hard time believing it. I know I am still in denial. I bounce back to denial all the time. I hate that I know I need to go to therapy. I tired to make it seem like I can handle this. The honest truth is that I can't. I don't know how. It seems like my life will forever be this black whole and I don't even know where to find the light at the end. Nor do I really want to find the light. I don't think I will ever want to get over Michael. I never want him to be something that I never talk about. I don't want him to be something that I will just eventually throw out.

At the same time though, I don't see how I will last much longer with my life being like this. Feeling the way I feel. Will I ever find a balance? Keeping Michael alive with me but being ok that he really isn't here anymore (does that sound crazy?). I just can't imagine feeling this pain for another 60 years, if I am to live for another 60 years.

I also can't imagine being with anyone else either. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is someone out there that is willing to understand me and where I come from. Maybe I will find that balance. But I don't see it. I will never see how being with another man will make me feel ok or make everything better. I knew at 18 years old that I wanted to be with Michael forever. I knew then that I was ready to settle down, get out of the dating game. I found my missing piece. How do you move on from losing the love of your life?

I'm sorry for the rant and the venting. I promise it will happen again. :)

graduation

I am currently in Kansas right now. I came here because my brother, Ryan, graduated from high school. I told myself that not matter what, I don't want to miss out of these sorts of things. I would regret it if I didn't come and I don't want to die with any regrets, no matter how small or big they are.

As I was sitting through the graduation ceremony, I was thinking how I graduated 5 years ago. Things were so very different then. I was so excited and nervous to start life after the familiarities of high school and move on to something that was new and not so comfortable. I never expected for my life to go the way it has. I never would have expected to fall in love with Michael again. At the time I was in love with someone else. I never expected that I would be married at 20 years old. I never expected I would move out to California. All the way across the country, away from my entire family. I never expected to transfer schools after I started college at FAU. And I really, never ever ever expected to be widowed at 22.

So many people from my graduating class has already graduated from college. People who have graduated after me, are graduating from college. I still have a year left to complete. And I am only getting my degree in psychology, which is so easy to do! I should have been done by now. So when I see that people I graduated with are now graduating from college, I admit that I feel sorry for myself. I can't help it. I so desperately wish that things were different.

Was our life too good to be true? Was everything happening too perfectly so God felt it necessary to take one of us out? Right after Michael was killed, I deeply questioned if there was even a God. Why would a God that is so kind and loving do this to a person. My faith in God has always been a shaky one. I know more about science, then I do about religion and believing in someone I cannot see. You can do experiments, you can see the reaction between two elements and see the exact thing your text book described. You can look at fossils and ancient artifacts. You can watch mutation and evolution take place by just observing fruit flies. But you can't see Noah's arch. You can't go and visit the tomb where Jesus was laid to rest. You can't watch as someone heals another by just touching them. You just have to believe. And that is so hard to do.

I have had a rocky path to believing in God. I have been told that I am going to hell for not going to church every Sunday. I have been judged. I have prayed and prayed for things to happen, and never got a result. I have had the love of my life taken away from me without any kind of explanation or answers to why. My life turned upside down. But for some reason I believe. I believe now more than ever. During a sermon at church, the pastor was saying when you have a hole, a wound in your very being, your soul, to let God in and he will bring joy to your life, he will mend what has been broken. So I have to listen and obey. I believe that Michael is in heaven. So I am going to do everything that I possibly can to get to him. I strongly believe that we will continue what we started. It isn't over.

I am not sure how this blog transformed from graduations to pass expectations to God and heaven but it did. Oh well.

Broken Heart

My heart is broken into a million little pieces and there is not enough glue on this earth to put it back together. I have never felt so unbelievably alone before. I miss you so much Michael. If only I had that damn time machine, I would make this all go away. I just want you and only you. You are my dream come true. You are my home. You are my life. Without you here, my dreams are no more, I'm homeless and I have lost all hopes for my life. To my husband Michael, I love you eternally. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.

Ruined

The past couple of days have effin' sucked and I know this is just the beginning. I have been so numb since the very beginning and just now, almost 2 months in, I am getting little bit and pieces of the pain that lies beneath the numbness. It's hitting me hard. I've known this entire time that he has been gone, but it has only been recently that I have actually realized that my HUSBAND is the "d word". That he will never come home.

If it were not for some old fuckers poor judgement/vision/driving skills/whatever else, Michael would still be here. I blame nothing but that man. I cannot blame myself for asking Michael to feed the dogs, or the shop finishing up pt when they did, or the amount of time it took for us to say goodbye to each other that day, or for Michael riding his motorcycle. Michael was an amazing driver. I trusted him with my own life on that bike. He did everything he could have done to be safe. If it were not for that man, my husband would still be here and my life would not have been ruined.

People must not realize that because of this, my life is ruined. Michael's life was ruined. Our plans, our dreams, our physical love, initmacy, our life together, is ruined. I will no long have his companionship. My best friend is gone. When he left this earth he took me with him. I do not have the capacity to ever love someone like I love Michael. He took my happiness, my love, my heart, my future with him.

I keep saying to myself I would give anything and everything in this world just to be able to rewind time back to November 5th and just press pause. I would pause my life right at the part where Michael and I were laying in bed, about to go to sleep. The time that you spend together just talking before you commit to falling asleep. I was in his arms and at that point, there was nothing in this world that could have harmed me, I was safe. I miss that so much. I used to say that the greatest love of all, was the kind of love that can withstand being oceans apart for months on end. But now, unfortunately I know that the greatest, most true love of all is the type of love that can withstand being worlds apart. I can proudly say I know that love.

I know now that I truly have to take these times moment by moment. My brain is starting to work again and I am starting to feel again. And I hate it. The best way I have been able to describe the pain I feel is if you have read the Twilight Saga books. Corny, I know, but the author does a good way of describing how one would feel after losing a significant other. It was in the second book after Edward left Bella. It was the way the author described how Bella felt. If I had my books with me I would actually quote it for all you non-twilight readers. Once I go back to San Diego, I'll re-read the book and find what I want and put it on here.

This is all I have for today. Goodbye cruel world... until next time.

2010

So midnight came and went. I tried to act as if it were any normal midnight, nothing special. I gritted my teeth the entire way through it because I did not want to go into a new year without Michael with me. I do not want to leave him behind in 2009. I hate the fact that I have to live my life without him here with me. I guess at the same time though, I should not be so resistant because I will always have Michael with me. He will always be in my heart and no one can take that away from me. It's just the physical being of Michael, the time passing since the last time I had him in my arms. It has almost been 2 months since the accident and I feel like I am digging my nails into the ground. I don't want time to pass I want to hold onto Michael and I do not want to let go. I don't want to grow away from him. I want to be the same Allison that I was when I was with him. It's inevitable, time will go on, I as a person, will grow and I will come out on the other side of this.

I did have a good time last night though. I am back in Florida now so my mom and I spent time together, we went out to eat at her favorite sushi place, Toyko Bay. Then we went over to Michael's parent's house and we went across the street to the neighbor's. There was nothing but old people there but it was a good time. I drink and ate some good Jewish food (Eddie and Marylyn are Jewish). I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. I am actually quite good at that, I just act goofy. I try to silence my pain; I have always been the suffer-in-silence type anyhow. I did not tell anyone "happy new year" though. I couldn't. For me, it's not happy. 2009 was the best and worst year of my life. Michael was FINALLY home! We did not have to worry about any upcoming deployments, nothing. Our marriage was finally perfect, the way we wanted it. We were establishing our family with the cat and dogs. We were trying to build up our future. We were on the right track. That's why I always say "the sky was the limit for us", corny I know, but it was true. It was the happiest I had been in my entire life and I am confident to say that Michael felt the same as well. I am just so sad/hurt/angry that it ended so quickly. The last two months have been the worst two months of my life. And I am sure I wouldn't be wrong if I added more to it as time goes on.

Anyway, we went to church today. I feel so amazing when I go to church. I have never felt such a strong, good feeling before in church as I do now. I would always go through the motions and never actually commit myself to God, until now. I figured that if my husband has to be gone, then I need to believe that he is in a better place and that when it is my time to go, I better be going where Michael is. I need to know that one day, I will be with my husband again.

With that being said, I have made a few new years promises (not resolutions, because I can never commit to those), one being that I am going to finally have my first communion and get confirmed and commit my life to god. The second promise is that I am going to start running. Michael always wanted me to run with him and I never could. One day, I want to run in marathons in his name. I know he would be proud if I did that. The third promise is that I am going to put myself first. I am going to take care of me. Selfish, I know, but after going through something like this, I deserve it.

Anyway, back to today. After church we went to breakfast/lunch at First Watch. Then we went to visit Michael. His engraving on his spot looks amazing. I took pictures of it and I will post them as soon as I download the pictures. The engraving only needs one more thing, the Marine Corps emblem. Which I accidentally forgot in the last proofing of the engraving. It looks absolutely beautiful. It is always a reality check when I see his name on there. I go through out the day knowing that he is gone. But I guess I don't actually realize it because when I see his name on anything like that, ugh it feels so real and the pain sinks in and I turn into Allison's shell.

Well I hope everyone has a healthy new year.

I miss you Michael more than anything. Please keep watching over us. I love you till no end. Baby, no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.