projects

So today I took a break from my etsy stuff. There have been a few projects that I have started for my house but I have put on the back burner due to starting up my etsy business. I have plans for every wall in my house. It's just a matter of finding the motivation/time/means to actually go through with what I have planned.

For starters, I found one of those awesome vinyl wall quotes at a craft store. The quote says it all! I also found this picture frame set on sale at Kohls. When I laid my eyes on it, I knew I had to have it! It was the last one left so I really lucked out. I already knew I wanted to do something like this for this particular wall. It's the first wall you look at when you walk into my house. I always wanted to have a wall dedicated to our photo shoot that we had in Balboa Park in San Diego. I really love how it turned out.

The next project I finished I actually thought of doing today. I have a 4th room in my house that can either be another bedroom or an office/den. When I first saw the house, even before I decided on buying it, I said that this room was going to be a "Michael room". I plan on making this room an area that I can display our achievements. I always wanted to do this to our office in our apartment, but I held off on doing anything because we planned on either renting or buying a house soon and I didn't want to put a bunch of holes in the wall if we were going to move soon.

Anyway, back to the "Michael room"... I was inspired when I was in the Lee County Tax Collector's office changing the title of our cars into my name, changing the address on my license, and to get new tags for the cars. I wanted to get a gold star tag and a Marine Corps tag. It was a struggle for me to get the gold star tag. They didn't want to give it to be because Michael did not die while he was in a war zone. However, technically he did die in the line of duty. Which at that point, you are considered a "gold star family". A lot of people mistake this title only being reserved for families who have someone die in combat. I don't take well to being discriminated because of how Michael died. It's the same result. He still came home in a coffin. He still had a funeral will full military honorers. He still fought for our country. Just because some old man took his life and not a terrorist shouldn't put me in a different arena separated from other Military Widows. I argued my point, the lady helping me agreed with me but she still needed to speak with two managers and call the state twice, just to verify. I proudly walked out of that office with a gold star tag in my hands. :)

ANYWAY... sorry for my rant... While I was sitting in the office, I was thinking of what I could do with the old tags. I always considered it an accomplishment for us to own two cars, FULLY paid off by the time we were 20. Not many 20 year olds can say the same. So after I left the tax collector's office, I went to a craft store and got a shadow box and two picture frames.... and this is the finished product....

The both of the pictures were taken after we got the cars. The one on the top, we bought just before we were married. We used it as our wedding "get away" car. :) The bottom picture was Michael right after we bought the Maxima. He was so proud of that car. He used the money he earned from his first deployment the purchase it.

If you know me, you know that I don't like to throw anything of Michael's out. I get anxiety when I think of throwing anything out. I'm not sure why but I do. As you can see I haven't done much with this room and it is a bit of a mess.

The last project I did today was one that I had already started in my room. I was inspired by Carrie Bradshaw's room in the first Sex In The City movie after she revamped her room.

I love all of the different picture frames over her bed and I wanted to do something like that in my room. It's not exactly the same. I decided to use all different shapes and sizes of picture frames. I am happy with the way this is turned out. I am not close to being done though. I would like to cover this whole wall with pictures. :) Here is the progress so far...

The more and more I decorate my house, I feel more and more in love with it. At first, I kind of felt like buying this house was a mistake. I kind of felt like I rushed into it. I mean this house was the SECOND house I looked at. I just kept remembering the feeling I felt when I first walked into the house. I knew that Michael would love it and I felt him the most in this house. So I went with my gut. And now, finally after 4 months of owning this hunk of concrete, I am starting to love it.

bittersweet

Lately I have truly come to know the meaning of bittersweet. On Friday the 5th, I purchased my first house. This was something I was supposed to do with Michael. Something that we had planed on and hoped to do soon. The house is amazing. I know for a fact that Michael would have loved the house. I want so badly to say that this is OUR house, our first house. But I can't. It's my house and only my house. I can't get his opinion on where to place the couches, on what to do with our room, why the hell we don't get hot water in the master bath room. These thoughts and concerns are endless. Instead of asking him those questions, I'm asking myself what to do with his clothes, colognes, shoes, tooth brush, everything that was his! This is not right. This was not supposed to happen. I never really paid attention to it before but we really did have sooo many pictures of ourselves in our house. Every box I open is like a stab in my heart because those pictures bring back so many memories and those memories bring back so many what ifs. I would give anything on this earth to get you back. I would lie, cheat, steal, kill anything.

Everyone tells me that I am so young, that I will bounce back from this. That I will find love again. If that helps you sleep better at night, fine. But I don't see it. Maybe I will someday. But I just can't. I cannot imagine Michael ever just being a distant memory, someone that we will just talk about from time to time, a tragic mishappening in my life before. I want him and only him. I don't want this life that I am heading towards. I want my Michael.

Lately

About a week after the funeral, my dad, the researcher that he is, found an organization that focused its attention solely on military widows. The American Widow Project was founded by the amazing Taryn Davis after she was 21 and widowed. The American Widow Project allows other military widows to connect to one another and help threw a different process of healing. This past weekend I had the honor of being apart of a get-away. 12 women in total, all from different cities, states, all had different stories and backgrounds. But we all had one huge thing in common, we were (and still are) deeply in love with someone, but that love was interrupted by death. We all laughed, cried, and shared stories about our loved ones and through that, we were all able to grow and to heal a little from the loss that we feel. I was the newest widow. I do not know where I am at in this process called grieving, but I do know that this weekend has definitely made me stronger and I did get that push to continue to go on.

Another good thing that has happened is that I found a house! The house is perfect for what I need right now. 3 bedrooms, 2 bath, with a den, 1900 sq feet, move in ready and a huge back yard! I know that Michael would be so excited about it as well. Even though this is a good thing, I can't help but not to be saddened by it as well. Michael and I should be moving into this house together. I am not used to making these kind of decisions without him. I almost don't want this to happen, because I know I am moving forward with my life, without him. I hate this. I really do.

My birthday came and went. I was in Orlando with the ladies of the AWP for my birthday and they did an amazing job of celebrating my birthday. I really appericate all that they did. This was a day I didn't want to come. Here I go... referencing Twilight again, but I feel like Bella, when she was growing older, but Edward was stuck at 17. I don't want to be older than Michael. I know that day will come when I will be 24 and he will be stuck at 23. It sucks that something as simple as an age and growing older can be so painful. I know I have always said this, but I wish that life came with a remote control, that way I could just press pause at those times that I never want to leave, or rewind to get back to a good part. If time travel were actually a real thing, I would be the happiest girl alive!

The risk of love is loss,

and the price of loss is grief

but the pain of grief

is only a shadow

when compared with the pain

of never risking love