the hurt

There are no words tonight. I guess you can say it has just been "one of those days". Worthlessness. Helplessness. Longing. Missing. D all of the above. I just miss you Michael. This can't be real.

“There is one pain I often feel, which you will never know. It is cause by the absence of you.” -unknown

“Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime.” -unknown

“What will survive of us is love” -Philip Larkin

I love you my Tayte. 

that point

Has it come to that point?
Where people don't want to talk about Michael anymore?
When the only time his name is spoken is then it comes out of my mouth.
And when I do say his name or tell a story, it's quickly passed over with other conversation.
That point when I feel guilty for bringing up his name and making others feel uncomfortable.
Has Michael become that taboo subject that no one can bear to talk about anymore?
Or if he is talked about, it's done so in a hushed manor.

Has it come to that time when people question me for being in a bad mood?
When people start talking to me about making the most out of life. That life is too short not to be happy.
Where I feel like I have to put on a facade when I am around others, just so I'm not questioned.
That point when it's not even worth interacting with other humans because the only thing I want to do is scream "I'M A WIDOW AND YOU ARE STUPID!"
And when people start telling me about how horrible their life is. 

It is that time.
I feel like there is this internal battle going on.
I feel like my heart is breaking even more.
One of my biggest fears is slowly coming true.
I have never wanted Michael to get pushed in the shadows and I feel like that's exactly what's happening.

quick sand

I haven't been able to write anything lately. I don't know why. I guess my head is just full of junk and I can't seem to muddle my way through anything. I have been kind of going through the motions of life lately. Just allowing myself to be pulled ever which way.

I feel like I am sinking fast into a pool of quick sand. I feel like my grief is swallowing me whole. I don't even know which way is up anymore. I don't know the difference between right and wrong. I don't know anything anymore. I don't understand anything. All I know is that this sand is coming up fast and it is beginning to suffocate me. It's already got my arms trapped. It is slowly creeping up my chest and neck. Pretty soon it will be filling my mouth, ears and nose. But it won't matter because it is already hard to breathe.

Most of the time I am able to take my mind away from things. I have become good at busy work. Like working on my etsy stuff. Surrounding myself with people. Reading. I have realized that I could probably make a lot of money being an actress. It's not that I am being fake with anyone - it's just that I am able to act - put on a face for everyone. But it's exhausting. But I hide it so much to the point of where I have dreams of screaming and crying my eyes out.

I don't even know how to deal with my own self. Let alone anyone else's issues. I don't know why, but people seem to think that I am an ok person for them to come to with their problems. Maybe because I've been through hell and back, I might have some personal wisdom to share. I don't know. I don't get it. I wish it would just stop. I wish everything would just stop. I wish it all would have stopped 8 months ago.

run away

Lately my head has been mush. What's new? I can't seem to sort out my thoughts. And I hate that. I go through these cycles. Numb. Dumb. Angry. Pissed. Annoyed at everything. Sad. Always depressed.

I hate my life. I hate everything. I listed in a previous blog the things I am thankful for. And that's about it. Everything else can go away. And sometimes - I want all of those "silver linings" to go away too! I think my conclusion is - I just want to run away. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. I want to be alone. I don't want to deal with anyone or talk to anyone. I miss Michael sooo much. When he was deployed, I couldn't deal with him being gone for so long. I never thought that it was possible to miss someone so much. I miss him a million times more than that. No. Infinity times more than that. It's ridiculous how much I miss that man.

If I can't have him, I don't want anyone or anything. It doesn't matter anymore. I just want to run away from everyone and everything that isn't Michael.

I feel like I am starting not to make sense anymore. And I don't care. This whole thing doesn't make sense. Michael dying - doesn't make sense. I mean obviously, we all die someday. But him, dying so young, doesn't make sense. How can someone just die? We had agreed to do the whole old, gray and nursing home thing. And now we're not. And that doesn't make sense.

If it wasn't almost 2 am, I would hop in my car and just start driving. I would drive until I didn't know where I was, and I would still continue to drive. I just want to go away.

But I can't. I'm stuck. And that is so frustrating.

sense

Does a new sense of low self esteem go hand in hand with being labeled a "widow"? I have never felt such a low sense of self esteem before. It's like I don't know myself anymore.

Obviously I don't.

I lost the only thing in my life that made sense.
When I lost you, I lost so many other things along with you.
My sense of belonging.
My sense of being.
My confidence.
My children.
My mind.

My future.

When you were here everything made sense.
Now that you're gone everything is so confusing. Nothing is in order. Everything is a hectic, chaotic mess. I don't understand it. I don't get it. And that is so frustrating.
It's times like these that make me want to scream and rip all of my hair out!
I don't understand why you had to go!

I don't know where I belong anymore. The feeling of loneliness is so intense. When it was us, I didn't mind that I didn't have many close girl friends. Because I had you. You were my person. And that made everything ok. I knew where my place was. Now - I don't know where I belong. I feel weird with my single friends (the ones that still talk to me) and I feel out of place with my married friends (again... the ones that still talk to me). This feeling of wanting to belong is overwhelming. I know I have my widow friends, I love them all very dearly, but we are all scattered. And I hate to admit it, but when I am with them, that low self esteem kicks in again.

I hate the way I feel. I hate that your gone. I hate not having my person anymore.

That time machine would reallllly come in handy right about now!

vent

Today I feel like I hate everything.

I hate facebook. I hate seeing every one's perfect lives. I hate seeing people's status updates and pictures and their happy lives. I hate it. I hate seeing people bragging about their husbands and them doing nice things. No one cares. Do people really get off on expressing to others how "perfect" their lives are?! You aren't making any one's life any better, you're not benefiting anyone by bragging about your wonderful life. I can only assume that you are doing it to make yourself feel better. I would really love to delete my facebook. But if I do that, I am sure I will be getting phone calls from everyone under the sun checking to see if I am still alive. Unfortunately, it's my connection to the outside world, my connection to the friends that I do have.

I hate that I am alone. I don't mind no one being around. I mind that Michael isn't here anymore. I just want my husband home! I would never wish this on anyone at all. I still cannot believe that this is my life now. I'm a widow. I still have a hard time believing it. I know I am still in denial. I bounce back to denial all the time. I hate that I know I need to go to therapy. I tired to make it seem like I can handle this. The honest truth is that I can't. I don't know how. It seems like my life will forever be this black whole and I don't even know where to find the light at the end. Nor do I really want to find the light. I don't think I will ever want to get over Michael. I never want him to be something that I never talk about. I don't want him to be something that I will just eventually throw out.

At the same time though, I don't see how I will last much longer with my life being like this. Feeling the way I feel. Will I ever find a balance? Keeping Michael alive with me but being ok that he really isn't here anymore (does that sound crazy?). I just can't imagine feeling this pain for another 60 years, if I am to live for another 60 years.

I also can't imagine being with anyone else either. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is someone out there that is willing to understand me and where I come from. Maybe I will find that balance. But I don't see it. I will never see how being with another man will make me feel ok or make everything better. I knew at 18 years old that I wanted to be with Michael forever. I knew then that I was ready to settle down, get out of the dating game. I found my missing piece. How do you move on from losing the love of your life?

I'm sorry for the rant and the venting. I promise it will happen again. :)

i miss you

I miss the feeling I get with your arms around me.

I miss the way your lips fit perfectly together with mine.

I miss hearing you call me "Tayte"

I miss the way that you smelled after working all days in your camies.

I miss going to church with you.

I miss always holding your hand.

I miss watching you from our apartment playing with Koby and Milo.

I miss your obsessive ways about cleaning.

I miss being woken up everyday to you kissing me goodbye before work.

I miss get text messages from you.

I miss sending you care packages.

I miss goofing off with you, dancing in our kitchen, making weird noises at each other, talking in our weird voices.

I miss helping you on your MECEP package.

I miss the smile on your face when you would walk through the door after work.

I miss cooking with you.

I miss talking about the future with you.

I miss when we would get sentimental, and that look you would give me. It was like I could look into your eyes and see the depths of your soul and see us tangled together.

I even miss you playing video games for hours on end.

I miss fighting with you, because after the fight, there would always be a make-up.

I miss getting dressed up and going on dates with you.

I miss riding on the back of your motorcycle.

I miss your big ugly feet.

I miss how whenever we were together, we always had to be touching.

I miss taking showers with you.

I miss getting 1 am phone calls from Iraq.

I miss your emails.

I miss watching movies with you. 

I miss EVERYTHING about you. I wish you could be home. I need you. I miss hearing you tell me you love me, because baby, I need to hear it now. 

I still can't believe you are gone. 

7 months and 1 day. 

pictures

There is something that is keeping me in bed this morning. For some reason I can't find the strength/motivation/reason.... whatever to get up. Even though I know I have so much to do today. I started looking at pictures of Michael. Like really old pictures. Mostly of high school. Some from the Marine Corps. And a few from just us. I'm looking at these pictures and I feel like I am going to throw up. There will never be another picture taken of Michael ever again.

They just reminded me even more that my husband is dead.


I don't think I am going to look at pictures for a while. It used to help.
Now it just hurts beyond belief.

i am so mad

I am so mad that he is not here anymore. I am not so much mad at him. Even though I do have every right to be mad at him. If he would have just listened. Just understood my fear of him on a motorcycle, maybe, just maybe he would still be here. But I'm not mad at him, because who knows. If he were to have been in his car, who can say that the accident wouldn't have still killed him. I can't be mad because riding his motorcycle made him happy.

I am so mad at the man who killed him. I have said it a million times. Michael was 23. This man was 81. He lived his whole life. Michael was just starting his. This man will never pay for what he did either. He will never go to jail for killing Michael. He will never really have to live long enough to feel the full amount of remorse and guilt that one should carry for killing another. I am also so mad that this man took his life. Michael will never be honored by society the way he should be. Because he didn't die in the line of fire, he won't be recognized for serving his country the way others are. This man took that away from him too. If Michael had to die, I would much rather him die in Iraq or Afghanistan and let him die in honor instead of being killed by an old man in San Diego.

I am so mad at my brain for working again. For allowing me to feel. I want to take a vacation from myself. From being a widow. From feeling the pain of losing Michael. Just a day of not thinking or feeling. It's so frustrating when I don't feel anything, when I am numb. But it really does suck when I feel it. It's like someone stabbing a hot branding iron through my heart and some how the fire from the iron runs through my veins in my blood to the rest of my body. It never really goes away either. The pain has only gotten worse. I am just waiting for it to actually stop my heart. But it never does.

Can you die from a broken heart? Like the dog in "where the red fern grows".

I get so mad when I see moms with young babies. Pictures of weddings. Husbands coming home from a deployment. Wives bitching about their husbands being away. When people brag to me about how well their marriage is going. When people bitch to me about how bad things in their marriage. I get mad when people ask me about Michael's dog tags that I wear. I know being mad at all of these things is irrational, but I guess it's just apart of the aftermath of losing someone as close as Michael was to me.

Nonetheless, I am just mad. I have every right to be mad too.

six months

I can't believe it. Today marks 6 months since Michael was alive. I have not spoken to my husband in 6 months. This is absolutely crazy. I was lying in bed this morning just looking at our things. Our bed. Our dresser. Thinking, how did these get here? Why aren't they in California? Why am I in Florida?

That's right. Because 6 months ago, someone couldn't wait the 10 seconds it would have took for Michael to pass him. Someone decided to go when Michael was right there. Some old man thought that he was still ok enough to drive himself. Someone decided that Michael shouldn't live anymore.

I cannot believe that 6 months has already gone by. 6 months from now will be a year. And in 6 days, it will be our 3rd wedding anniversary. I rented a condo on the same beach that we got married, for a week. I don't know why I did it. Maybe, somehow, staying on the beach will bring me closer to Michael. Which I don't think is possible, because I swear I feel him around me all the time.

Michael, not a second goes by that my mind isn't on you. I miss you so much, at times it is unbearable. I wish we could be together again, because being able to look in your eyes again would be my heaven. Life here without you is so hard. You were not supposed to die. We were supposed to do the old and gray thing. I feel like my love for you has only grown since you left. I feel your love around me all the time. But it doesn't seem to lessen the pain that I feel knowing that you are gone. There is nothing that will bring you back and that kills me. I promise you that I will continue to be so in love with you even after my heart stops beating. I love you so much Michael. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you. Always.

reality

This cannot be real. This could not have been Michael's fate. He was so young. He had his whole life ahead of him. This could not have happened. I am still in so much shock. I so desperately want this to just be a horrific dream. I don't want to walk this path of life without Michael. He is such an amazing man. How can this be possible?

Michael and I had a big discussion about him getting a motorcycle. I told him how I felt. That it scared me to death and if something were to happen to him, I don't know what I would do. I told him that everyone I know who has ridden a motorcycle has been hurt by them. I told him that he was an adult and I was not going stop him from being happy. Did I seal his fate when I didn't put up a fight? He did everything right though. He took 2 safety courses. He took really good care of his bike. He was always wearing his helmet and gloves. He never went 10 mph over the speed limit. He was as safe as you could be on one of those things. How did this happen?!

Why?

Why aren't there time machines?

Why didn't I tell him to take his car because it looked like it was going to rain that day?

Why did I have to ask him to feed the dogs?

Maybe, just maybe it would have put him 5 minutes ahead of that reckless old man.

Why was that man driving?

Why us? We were good. Our marriage was at its best. We were more in love than ever.

Why does it have to be like this?

I never want Michael to be a distant memory. Just something that I think about from time to time.

Oh God... please just give me peace.

society sucks

Lately I have been feeling angry. I'm not mad at anyone in particular, besides the obvious (the man who killed my husband), but I'm just plain mad. I am mad that I am 23 years old and I am a widow. Not a wife, not a married woman. Society doesn't let me have that title anymore. In legal forms, I HAVE to now put that I am single. Although, in my head, I am clearly not single. I hate that. For the first couple of months, it didn't even occur to me that I was technically, no longer married. I just continued checking the "M" box under martial status. I think it really donned on me that my title has completely changed was when I was closing on my house. I was sitting there about to sign my life away and the lady from the title company looks at my left hand, and then back to me, almost in a panic asking me if I was married. I said yes, but I am a widow. I think she was happier because she did not have to go through and redo all of my paper work than we was sympathetic that I am this young, and a widow.

That word still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Widow. It's a word that makes you think of this picture when you hear it. Not a 23 year old woman. I guess if I can no longer say that I am Sgt Michael Martins wife, then I can live with being Sgt Michael Martins widow. I will carry around that title just as proud as I carried around the prior one.

I know I have said this before, and I am sure I sound like a broken record to some people, but I hate hate hate it when people tell me that I am so young and that I will find love again. That is not what I want to hear!!! I don't know what I want to hear, and I am sure I will never be happy with hearing anything, but I just don't want to hear that. People can be so dumb sometimes. Like the friend of mine, who told me she was cheating on her husband, when I found out that mine was never coming home. Or the countless amount of people who came up to me and told me that Michael was in a better place. Yes, I agree, heaven is a million times better than here, but I have always considered that to be something you say to someone who had just lost their uncle who has battled a horrible disease for a long time. You don't say that to someone who just lost their husband when there was nothing wrong with them. I'm sorry, I am selfish, but I would have picked the better place for Michael to be is with me.

I remember wanting to write something about this subject a month or two after everything happened. I swear I had a list of ridiculous things that people have said. Now, I can only remember those few. And that would be why I am so thankful for my brain shutting down.

2010

So midnight came and went. I tried to act as if it were any normal midnight, nothing special. I gritted my teeth the entire way through it because I did not want to go into a new year without Michael with me. I do not want to leave him behind in 2009. I hate the fact that I have to live my life without him here with me. I guess at the same time though, I should not be so resistant because I will always have Michael with me. He will always be in my heart and no one can take that away from me. It's just the physical being of Michael, the time passing since the last time I had him in my arms. It has almost been 2 months since the accident and I feel like I am digging my nails into the ground. I don't want time to pass I want to hold onto Michael and I do not want to let go. I don't want to grow away from him. I want to be the same Allison that I was when I was with him. It's inevitable, time will go on, I as a person, will grow and I will come out on the other side of this.

I did have a good time last night though. I am back in Florida now so my mom and I spent time together, we went out to eat at her favorite sushi place, Toyko Bay. Then we went over to Michael's parent's house and we went across the street to the neighbor's. There was nothing but old people there but it was a good time. I drink and ate some good Jewish food (Eddie and Marylyn are Jewish). I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. I am actually quite good at that, I just act goofy. I try to silence my pain; I have always been the suffer-in-silence type anyhow. I did not tell anyone "happy new year" though. I couldn't. For me, it's not happy. 2009 was the best and worst year of my life. Michael was FINALLY home! We did not have to worry about any upcoming deployments, nothing. Our marriage was finally perfect, the way we wanted it. We were establishing our family with the cat and dogs. We were trying to build up our future. We were on the right track. That's why I always say "the sky was the limit for us", corny I know, but it was true. It was the happiest I had been in my entire life and I am confident to say that Michael felt the same as well. I am just so sad/hurt/angry that it ended so quickly. The last two months have been the worst two months of my life. And I am sure I wouldn't be wrong if I added more to it as time goes on.

Anyway, we went to church today. I feel so amazing when I go to church. I have never felt such a strong, good feeling before in church as I do now. I would always go through the motions and never actually commit myself to God, until now. I figured that if my husband has to be gone, then I need to believe that he is in a better place and that when it is my time to go, I better be going where Michael is. I need to know that one day, I will be with my husband again.

With that being said, I have made a few new years promises (not resolutions, because I can never commit to those), one being that I am going to finally have my first communion and get confirmed and commit my life to god. The second promise is that I am going to start running. Michael always wanted me to run with him and I never could. One day, I want to run in marathons in his name. I know he would be proud if I did that. The third promise is that I am going to put myself first. I am going to take care of me. Selfish, I know, but after going through something like this, I deserve it.

Anyway, back to today. After church we went to breakfast/lunch at First Watch. Then we went to visit Michael. His engraving on his spot looks amazing. I took pictures of it and I will post them as soon as I download the pictures. The engraving only needs one more thing, the Marine Corps emblem. Which I accidentally forgot in the last proofing of the engraving. It looks absolutely beautiful. It is always a reality check when I see his name on there. I go through out the day knowing that he is gone. But I guess I don't actually realize it because when I see his name on anything like that, ugh it feels so real and the pain sinks in and I turn into Allison's shell.

Well I hope everyone has a healthy new year.

I miss you Michael more than anything. Please keep watching over us. I love you till no end. Baby, no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.