dream

I had a dream last night. I have been dreaming a lot lately. It may have been because I was sleeping in a new location. I don't know, but when I am home, I tend not to dream, or if I do, I don't remember them really.

Anyway, I had a dream about Michael. In my dream I got a phone call from him. Like how I used to when he was in Iraq. When my phone rang I looked at it and it had a strange number. I normally don't pick up weird unknown numbers but I picked up this one. It was Michael. It felt like he was calling from Iraq but I knew he was gone. I knew that he was no longer here anymore. Heaven must have installed a bunch of satellite phone or something. But we talked. I don't remember the details of our conversation but I just remember us telling each other how much we loved one another and how much we missed each other. In my dream I was dancing around my room, like I used to when he would call from over there. I remember thinking to myself that I was the luckiest girl in the world - I was able to talk to my dead husband! I asked him if this would happen often or if it was just a rare treat to be able to hear from him. He said no, that it would happen often and the he was a tester or something to see how the phones worked and if they worked well enough then everyone would be using them soon. I didn't want to hang up with him but I knew he had to go. I was ok with hanging up because I knew he would call again.

Then I woke up. This dream makes me so happy but so sad at the same time. How can you be two emotions at the same time? I am happy that finally I had another dream about him. I have been waiting, begging, pleading to dream about him and finally I do! But I am so sad because when I woke up I felt like he was still here. Like he never really died. Like he was going to come back again. Then reality came crashing back down and I realized that there is no way that Michael will ever come back. Heaven doesn't just grant you a visitors pass to come back home. I don't want this to be it. I don't want it to be that 6 months ago was the last time I talked to him. And time will only go on. Soon it will be 7 months, then 10, and then a year! Soon it will be one whole year since I have spoken to my husband. I don't want this reality. I want to live in that dream forever because if he has to be dead, then I still want some way that I can just talk to him.

I hate my brain.

Bah hum bug

Seriously. I could care less about Christmas this year. Yes, I am celebrating the birth of our savor, Jesus Christ, but besides that, I could care less about presents, trees, lights, songs, shopping, or santa. My heart is broken and there really isn't any room in the pieces for Christmas. Michael and I were supposed to spend Christmas alone this year. This was going to be the first Christmas together that we did not have to travel, no worrying about getting up at the crack of dawn to catch flights, no packing, nothing. Just us with our boys and girl. I want that time back and I am angry that I will never have it.

I am in Kansas right now visiting my dad, step-mom, and brothers and sisters. It's a good way to take my mind off things. My sister Alexis is about 8 1/2 months pregnant and I am so proud of her. She is giving her baby girl up for adoption to a very loving couple who lives in New York City. I am so proud of her because she realized that she would not be able to give her child a good life in the situation is she is: a college girl with no significant other. Out of this crappy situation, she is bringing this couple so much joy and happiness. I really am so proud of her.

I have been thinking a lot about Michael and him being a father. I have always had visions of him holding our baby after it was born and seeing him beaming from ear to ear with tears in his eyes. He was going to be an amazing father. I am not going to lie, I thought I was pregnant after the accident and the odds were in my favor. But I'm not. I figured it would be fine either way. But I was hoping that I really was pregnant. Michael will never have the chance to be a dad. There are so many things that make me so angry! He was not supposed to die!

I had a dream last night about Michael. In this dream I was concerned because Michael was on deployment to Iraq and he did not call me for about two to three weeks. I had gotten a call from the FRO (family readiness officer) saying that Michael was hurt, but he was ok. For some reason, in this dream I wasn't really too worried though. I did not know about the seriousness of his injuries. I was just patient about getting a phone call from him, eventually. Which is actually weird because I know for a fact, in that case I would not be patient. Anyway, back to the dream, out of the blue, Michael comes home. I was so happy to see him and I found out that his injuries really were not all that bad. At first I thought that he was deaf because he was trying to talk to me but he couldn't. Then I found out that his legs went paralyzed because he sat on the toilet for too long (which does not surprise me, Michael would do something like that) but he was fine. No physical injuries that I could see. That was it. That was my dream. Nothing about living happily ever after. I don't know if he stayed with me after he came home.

Lately I have been feeling sort of upset and down in the dumps because many other people have had these significant dreams about Michael. Almost like Michael reached out to them from Heaven to let them know that he was ok. I'm just jealous I guess because I am his wife, the love of his life. If he was able to reach out to other people to give them messages, then why wouldn't he reach out to me? I just miss Michael. More than he will ever know.

No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.