Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Happy Birthday Michael... part 2

Michael would have been 24 today. So I stole this idea from a friend of mine and wrote 24 memories and things about Michael. I wanted to share it on here.

24 Things About Michael Martins
  1. Our first kiss took place on January 18th, 2005. I don’t remember which date it was. Maybe the second or third. I am not too sure what we did on this date. All I remember is that we went to Barns and Noble in Fort Myers on 41. We walked around, held hands, looked at books, got some coffee. When we were leaving Michael opened up the passenger car door of the Avalon for me but he opened it half way, stood in front of me and kissed me. It was by far the best first kiss either of us had ever experienced. 
  2. One of the reasons why we never dated in high school was because of his feet. My freshmen year, his sophomore year, we were walking out to the parent pick up in the front of the school and as we were walking, I looked down and I saw his feet (he was wearing flip flops) and in that moment I thought to myself, “I will never date Michael Martins”. 
  3. During Michael’s senior year, when he was dating that one floozie, I was dating someone else as well. Michael had a class with my ex-boyfriend and he noticed that my ex was flirting big time with another girl. So when Michael saw me in the band room that day he rushed over to me to tell me that my boyfriend was cheating on me. It caused me and my ex to break up. I always remembered this while we were together, that if Michael could consider flirting the same thing as cheating, then I had nothing to worry about. 
  4. The very first bus ride for band of my freshmen year, Michael and I sat together in the front seat.
  5. Our very first date, Michael took me to Junkanoos on the Beach. I was so nervous to eat in front of him that all I ordered was a caesar salad. After dinner, we decided that we didn’t want to go home just yet, so we walked down the beach. We walked all the way to the pier and back talking about his boot camp experiences and my senior year and college plans. We still didn’t want to go home after that so we went and played pool at Hustlers in Cape Coral off of Santa Barbara. I remember that the avalon’s radio wasn’t working so he had a boom box in the back seat playing Disturbed. 
  6. When Michael gave me my promise ring for Christmas before he left on his first deployment, he spilled the beans about what he got me before he gave it to me. We were on the phone (I was at my dad’s and he was at his parents) and he said to me “So my dad really likes the ring” and I said “what? what ring?”, he then tried to make up some story about how he had this old ring and his dad really liked it. I later confirmed that this was indeed the promise ring he had got for me.
  7. Not only did he spill the beans about my promise ring, but he also told me about proposing to me before he actually did. The day that he asked me to marry him, we got in a fight. A bad one, and I told him to leave my house and not come back. Out of anger he told me that he just wasted thousands of dollars on a ring and making arrangements to propose to me that night and he didn’t know how he would explain everything to his parents. Obviously, we made up, but I knew the entire time what was up. 
  8. Michael was the accomplice for my surprise 18th birthday party. 
  9. On my 22nd birthday, me, Michael and our friends when out to Pacific Beach in San Diego. We all got really wasted and at the end of the night we were walking a friend of mine home but Michael got split up from our group. I couldn’t find him anywhere. He wasn’t answering his phone or anything. Eventually we found him laying on the ground next to an elementary school. It was so scary, but so funny at the same time. 
  10. Michael and one of his friends literally played video games for 10 hours straight one day.
  11. The first party we ever had at our house Michael got completely wasted. And it was only 5 in the afternoon. He was the reason why everyone left :(
  12. On Michael’s 21st birthday, he got so drunk that he tried to jump in a fire, slapped a man’s ass, spit water at me, broke a martini glass, peed his pants and barfed on the side of the road on the way home. All within 2 hours of being out. 
  13. Another reason why I did not date Michael in high school... We had a band competition up in Orlando (Bands of America to be exact) and we stayed over night in a hotel. During this particular time, Michael and I were “talking” and we definitely both liked each other. Well one night everyone went swimming. And I saw Michael with his shirt off. He had a hairy chest. I immediately stopped talking to him. 
  14. Freshmen year of high school, everyone in band did secret santa. Well Michael was my secret santa. And he gave me a bunch of business clothes his mom had purchased for his brother’s ex girlfriend. Let’s just say that they found a nice home at goodwill. 
  15. Michael always said that if he could be any animal at all, he would be a barn owl. 
  16. The first Marine Corps Ball Michael and I went to was in Vegas (the second time we started dating) at the Orleans hotel and casino. After driving for 6 hours from Camp Pendleton to Vegas we checked in, Michael quickly realized that they gave us the wrong room. We were supposed to have a room with a king size bed, but we got a room with two queen beds. Well in a very Michael-like fashion, Michael went back to the front desk to try to get our correct room. The front desk person realized that they had given away our room. He felt bad so he upgraded us for free. Michael ran up to our room quickly packed out stuff up and we went to our new room. Our new room was on the top floor and you needed the key to put in the elevator to press the top floor button. Once you get to the top floor there are golden gates that block all of the different hallways. So Michael put the key in the golden gate, it opened and we found our room. This room was amazing! It had a living room, a kitchen, a huge dining table, 4 tv’s, a huge bed, and a huge bathroom. 
  17. Michael loved to grill. The very first time Michael ever used our grill he cooked chicken. We didn’t have a propane grill, we had a charcoal grill that Michael had never really used before. Well he throws the chicken on when the coals are still on fire. I guess he thought the chicken was done once the entire outside of it was burnt black. Well I bit into that first piece of chicken my husband had ever grilled for us and I quickly realized that it was raw on the inside. I panicked and told Michael and he needed to put all the chicken back on the grill because it wasn’t done. He insisted that it was fine. That chicken was like stake, it was cooked in different temperatures. Like rare, medium, and well done. 
  18. On Michael’s second deployment, him and one of his friends grappled for a free pair of boots. Michael lost. And after he lost, he realized that the boots wouldn't have fit him anyway.
  19. When ever Michael was in the car, he always had to have the music up really loud. He was usually playing either Metalica, Tool, Jack Johnson, or Incubus. And whenever Michael was driving he would ALWAYS play his imaginary guitar on the steering wheel. On certain songs he would replay a certain part over and over again just to get the beat and the melody right. 
  20. Michael would sometimes come to class with me. Well he came to my first day of classes of my sophomore year at FAU. It was ok because all of my classes that day were huge, so no one would call or him or make him feel weird because he wasn’t supposed to be there. Well in my food and nutrition class, a 200 + class, the professor wanted to get to know her students. So she had all of us go one by one tell her our names, major, year in school, and why were were taking this class. So Michael was Riley Martins a freshman nursing major. And he was taking this class because he was interested in nutrition and because it was a requirement for the nursing program. 
  21. When our dog Koby hurt one of his hind legs and we thought that he would need surgery to correct it, Michael wanted to give him back to the rescue we got him from because he didn’t want to have a broken dog. 
  22. Michael emailed our FRO (family readiness officer) to see if she could get us tickets to see a Chargers football game. She was usually great at hooking us up with tickets to different things in San Diego so he thought he would give it a try. 
  23. When it came to going out to eat with Michael I always had to be conscious about what I ordered. It either had to be the same thing as Michael or something I knew he wouldn’t order himself. Because if it was something he liked, half of my food was sure to go missing.
  24. When Michael and I were reciting our vows to one another we both messed up on the same word. I don’t remember what word it was, but I knew that both of us messed it up. I remember I had to have the guy marrying us repeat it just so I could get it correctly. 
Michael's 21st Birthday - before he got ridiculous! 
His drink list (from what I remember) 
1. Beers from earlier that day
2. Heineken (from what you see in the picture)
3. AFM
4. Jack and Coke
5. Irish Car bombs
6. Vodka Martini
7. Long Island Icetea
8. Vodka shots
And I am pretty sure that was it. :)

Happy Birthday Michael

It's midnight. August 24th. Michael's 24th Birthday. I feel like this day is harder than I could have imagined. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like he is gone. How can it be? How can my love, my life be dead?

I made a picture video thing for his birthday. It's beautiful. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I did a pretty sweet job on it. I am trying to put it on youtube, but it's huge - 20 minutes long, so I have to chop it up and post it in 2 or 3 separate videos. I didn't really have a hard time putting the video together. I looked at it more like a job. I felt like it was necessary. To take a look at the life of an amazing man. So I made this video on an objective stand point. I looked at the pictures and videos like an outsider.

Well this evening family and friends got together to celebrate Michael's birthday and this is where I showed the video. I made it a point to watch the video a few times through before watching it with everyone else. I don't like to catch myself off guard and get too over emotional, even though it has happened a few times. I don't like to come unglued around other people. So I watched it tonight with the people we love without becoming a mess. However, I couldn't resist watching it another time once I got home. That's when I lost it. I just sat there staring at this curation of photos and videos of my husband and thinking to myself that there is no way that this man is gone. I miss him sooo much. Just like words can't describe the love I feel for Michael, no words can describe the pain/longing and missing I feel for him.

I think we did him proud :) 

I am not sure what I am actually going to do when I get up. I know I want to celebrate this day. Staying in bed would not be appropriate for the occasion. I feel like out of all the significant days, this is one to celebrate. I want thinking of taking Koby to the beach. Maybe. It is supposed to rain for the rest of the week, so we'll see. If that doesn't work out them maybe I'll go and see a movie I know Michael and I would have enjoyed together. And yes, I'll most likely do it by myself. Maybe. We'll see. Hopefully by this time tomorrow I'll be able to not only post Michael's video but I will be able to report back on having a good day tomorrow. 

I love you so much my Tayte. Thank you for being the man you are because I wouldn't be the woman I am today without you. If anyone were to ask me, "would you do it all over again knowing the outcome?" I would look them straight in the eye and tell him that I wouldn't even think twice about it. I would do it in a heart beat. You are the love of my life. You inspire me to continue to live, I'm not doing it for me anymore, I'm doing it for you. Happy Birthday my love. I love you. I miss you. And I cannot wait until we are reunited again some sweet day. 

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


I had a dream about you last night and you kissed me. For those few precious moments I was in my own personal heaven.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, August 14, 2010

that point

Has it come to that point?
Where people don't want to talk about Michael anymore?
When the only time his name is spoken is then it comes out of my mouth.
And when I do say his name or tell a story, it's quickly passed over with other conversation.
That point when I feel guilty for bringing up his name and making others feel uncomfortable.
Has Michael become that taboo subject that no one can bear to talk about anymore?
Or if he is talked about, it's done so in a hushed manor.

Has it come to that time when people question me for being in a bad mood?
When people start talking to me about making the most out of life. That life is too short not to be happy.
Where I feel like I have to put on a facade when I am around others, just so I'm not questioned.
That point when it's not even worth interacting with other humans because the only thing I want to do is scream "I'M A WIDOW AND YOU ARE STUPID!"
And when people start telling me about how horrible their life is. 

It is that time.
I feel like there is this internal battle going on.
I feel like my heart is breaking even more.
One of my biggest fears is slowly coming true.
I have never wanted Michael to get pushed in the shadows and I feel like that's exactly what's happening.

Saturday, August 7, 2010


Long time no post. I am writing this blog post from my iPhone so please excuse any typos or confusing grammar. I am currently in Kansas visiting my dad and all of my siblings are here. 6 of us total. I haven't had much time to myself to write let alone think. Which is a good thing.

Yesterday was the 6th. That makes it 9 months. Damn. I could have had a baby by now. 9 months is long but in the grand scheme of things it's only a drop in the ocean. It still blows my mind.

Today my dad, step mom and I drove to Oklahoma City to meet Michael's best friend Travis. He lives in Dallas so it was a perfect meeting point - half way in between Wichita and Dallas. It was so good to see a familiar face from my old life. I must admit though, it's so odd hanging out with Michael's friends without Michael around. It just reminded me that everything I once knew is gone. That nothing will be the same.

I long so desperately to hold a hand. To be told "I love you" from someone other than family. To kiss. To feel comfortable. To smile at someone. To feel like I have a future. But not just with anyone. I want this person to be Michael. I would kill for it to be Michael. We had it all figured out and in a split second it was gone and over.

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about Michael. The contents vary from babies to second weddings to Michael dying again. I love dreaming about him. I love that in my dreams I get to see him and feel him again but at the same time I feel like it's a tease. He's gone but I get to meet him for the night. It's not fair. I almost want the dreams to stop because they hurt just as much as they feel good. I either want to wake up from this horrible dream or go back into my dream world and live with Michael forever.

Ugh. 9 months.

Michael's birthday is at the end of this month. I want to do something but I'm not sure what to do. Suggestions are welcome.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone