quick sand

I haven't been able to write anything lately. I don't know why. I guess my head is just full of junk and I can't seem to muddle my way through anything. I have been kind of going through the motions of life lately. Just allowing myself to be pulled ever which way.

I feel like I am sinking fast into a pool of quick sand. I feel like my grief is swallowing me whole. I don't even know which way is up anymore. I don't know the difference between right and wrong. I don't know anything anymore. I don't understand anything. All I know is that this sand is coming up fast and it is beginning to suffocate me. It's already got my arms trapped. It is slowly creeping up my chest and neck. Pretty soon it will be filling my mouth, ears and nose. But it won't matter because it is already hard to breathe.

Most of the time I am able to take my mind away from things. I have become good at busy work. Like working on my etsy stuff. Surrounding myself with people. Reading. I have realized that I could probably make a lot of money being an actress. It's not that I am being fake with anyone - it's just that I am able to act - put on a face for everyone. But it's exhausting. But I hide it so much to the point of where I have dreams of screaming and crying my eyes out.

I don't even know how to deal with my own self. Let alone anyone else's issues. I don't know why, but people seem to think that I am an ok person for them to come to with their problems. Maybe because I've been through hell and back, I might have some personal wisdom to share. I don't know. I don't get it. I wish it would just stop. I wish everything would just stop. I wish it all would have stopped 8 months ago.

kids

We always wanted to have children. But we waited. For obvious reasons - we wanted to experience our own lives before we brought more into this world.
But man, what I wouldn't give to have little Michael/Allisons running around.
Just to have a little piece of you that was still alive would be amazing.

But at the same time, I am thankful that I only have my own grief to deal with. I don't even understand my grief the majority of the time, how could I even begin to understand the grief of a baby or toddler?

Because I don't want to miss out on being a mother, I promised myself that by the time I am 30, and if I still haven't had any kids of my own, I am going to start the process of adopting. Perhaps a Portuguese baby.
Definitely a Portuguese baby...

pictures

There is something that is keeping me in bed this morning. For some reason I can't find the strength/motivation/reason.... whatever to get up. Even though I know I have so much to do today. I started looking at pictures of Michael. Like really old pictures. Mostly of high school. Some from the Marine Corps. And a few from just us. I'm looking at these pictures and I feel like I am going to throw up. There will never be another picture taken of Michael ever again.

They just reminded me even more that my husband is dead.


I don't think I am going to look at pictures for a while. It used to help.
Now it just hurts beyond belief.

i do

Written on Wednesday May 12th, 2010


Today is the three year anniversary of our marriage to each other. Three years ago today we committed to love and to honor each other until the end of time. Three years ago I made the best decision I have ever made. If anyone were to ask me if I could change it all and start over, would I? The answer would be no. Even if I knew I was going to lose Michael in the end, I would not change any bit of it. Michael taught me what it was like to love unconditionally. That no matter what happened, our love for each other would always hold true and strong. Even during the time where our marriage was strained and we weren’t sure if we would make it, it was our love that held the pieces together. I would not change a thing. Our love has only grown. I am so very much in love with him and I would not change something that has given me and shown me so much love.

So today I decided to go outside, sit in a beach chair and continue to read my book (Eat, Pray, Love - which is so unbelievably amazing). About 15 minutes after I first sat down, I realized that I was completely alone. Everyone must have ventured back inside to get ready for dinner. It was at that time that I looked at the sun and realized that I have felt this sun before. I started to get knots in my stomach when I realized that three years ago, on this same beach, we were all arriving for us to get married. I was the last to arrive. I remember looking over at Michael in the other car and realizing that no matter how much I looked at him, he wouldn’t look back at me (granted, the windows were tinted and I am sure he wouldn’t have noticed that I was even looking at him). I suppose he didn’t want to risk that superstition that say “if you see your bride before you get married on your wedding day, you’ll be cursed with an unlucky marriage”. I remember the nervous jittery feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach. I almost felt like I was going to throw up. I wasn’t unsure of what I was doing, I was just so anxious for my life to begin, I knew then that my life was going to be forever changed. I remember my dad asking me before he walked me down the sand isle if I was sure this was what I wanted, because if I wasn’t, he had a credit card and he could get me on the next plane to Mexico. I remember that when we were reciting our vows to each other, we both stumbled on the same word. I remember crying when the officiant recited the 1 Corinthians verse 13, love is patient love is kind.

I can only imagine what it would be like with Michael here with me today. Maybe we would be sitting on the beach somewhere in San Diego with a bottle of wine and a packed dinner. Just sitting there watching the the sun as it vanishes beneath the horizon and marvel as the stars and the moon take their place in the sky. I wonder what sorts of things we would talk about. We would probably still be giddy as hell about him getting into the Marine Corps Officer program. Maybe we would be talking about college and what sorts of classes he would want to take. Maybe talking about baby names and possibly talking about when it would be an appropriate time for us to renew our vows. But I can only imagine. I can only make those pretend conversations happen in my head. It makes me so incredibly sad to know that our marriage really, can only go on if I make it continue to go on.

It's kind of like how I wear Michael's wedding ring. Michael never ever took his ring off. Even when he went to Iraq, he never took it off. Most husbands when they go over there, they will take off their ring so it doesn't get damaged. Michael, I guess, never took it off because he didn't want to be without it. If something were to have happened, he would want to be wearing his wedding ring. Well after the accident, I got a bag out his belongings that he had on him at the time of the accident. His cell phone, dog tags, his watch, chevrons, wallet, and his ring. My brain wasn't working then and I didn't even think to have them put his ring back on. Michael never took his ring off himself, so why should this be any different? If he had a say in it, I think he would ask to keep it on. But there is nothing I can do about that now. I have it. I always wear it. It actually fits on my index finger so I wear it on the same hand that I still wear my own wedding rings. I can't bear to be without them. So since Michael can no longer wear his ring everyday, I am here to carry that on for him. Just like I am still here to carry on our marriage.


After all of the imagining, some of my family came over to go out to dinner. My mom, father-in-law, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law all came over to go out with me. It really meant so much to have them all there with me. I have been blessed with an amazing family to be there for me as a crutch when I have really needed it. I may not show it all the time; I tend to act a little too tough on the outside. I tend not to show any of my suffering. But my family has only been there for me, even when I don’t ask them, or tell them I need them.

While living in San Diego, we always would complain that San Diego never had any really good thunderstorms. With both of us being from Florida, thunderstorms were something we were so used to. We always wanted thunderstorms to happen because of the atmosphere that accompanied them. Well this morning I went through my first thunderstorm since I have been back in Florida. The sky was consistently lighting up and there was no chance that I could fall back asleep. I admit that I was a little scared too. I couldn't help but to think how things would be different if Michael was actually here with me. I can only assume that he would be awake too and we would just lay in bed cuddling until the storm slowed down. I know that nothing will ever be the same.

While I was laying there listening to my house take the abuse of the storm, I was thinking about a picture frame I bought not too long ago. It has a quote: "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain". To me this is very similar to the one "When life gives you lemons... make lemonade". When times get tough, learn to make the most out of it because no matter what life goes on. I don't know if I can learn to dance in this storm of my life. How to I go on with my life when he is not here to hold my hand the whole way through? I admit, lately I have just let life pass me by. I don't want to do anything. I only want my Michael.

Acceptance

In the midst of moving in and adjusting, I had to write. I needed to get things off my chest and this is just the brink of what is running through my mind. I wrote this on 3/23/10...

Something that I just cannot do. I cannot accept that this is my life. Our path was clear. We had our game plan and within a matter of seconds that was completely stopped. Ceased. No more. Never again will things ever be the same.

I now live in a big house with my mom and 5 dogs in Fort Myers Florida. I used to live in a modest apartment with an outrageous rent, in San Diego with the love of my life and our two dogs and cat. We were going to start trying for kids around 2013. We wanted our own home in San Diego. I was going to graduate in 2011. I was going to graduate again in 2013 with a second bachelor’s degree. My husband, my tayte, was going to be commissioned as an Officer in the United States Marine Corps in 2014. We were going to grow old together and retire in our beachfront bungalow in Key West asking each other about cottage cheese and prunes in 2050.  We had so much life ahead of us. If Michael was supposed to die, it was supposed to be in Iraq doing his job. The entire two years he was gone I had in the back of my mind that I would get that knock on my door with two Marines regretting to inform me that my boyfriend/husband was killed while deployed to a foreign land. Not while he was home, while he was safe. Instead I got a phone call in a mall by one of his best friends who was scared shitless to tell me that my husband, my tayte, my Michael was killed in a motorcycle accident.

I can’t accept it. I don’t think I ever will. I know that in this process called grief, you are supposed to go through these things, depression, anger, denial, bargaining, and acceptance. But I can’t. It just cannot be that my HUSBAND IS DEAD! He was indestructible. Untouchable. The pieces of this puzzle just do not fit together in my head; they don’t make sense. The pieces of my perfect life puzzle fit perfectly. Not this time. I would have much rather would have died in the place of my love. He was so much better than me. I don’t deserve to live, he does! What do I do now when the best part of me was him? I am forever broken. There is no man, no medication, mechanic, no amount of time talking to a professional that will fix me.

The huge part of me that cannot accept this is the same part that keeps me from visiting him so much. When I go and see where he is at, it’s just a rogue wave in the midst of a semi-calm ocean. It’s acceptance slapping me in the face. My husband is in there. He cannot breathe, he cannot open his eyes, no words will come out of his beautiful mouth. I do not even want to begin to imagine what Mother Nature is doing to his beautiful body. The body that I knew like the back of my hand, every scar, every freckle, every rough patch of his skin, I know it all. And now it’s just a memory. A bittersweet memory. Going there brings that pain that I know all too well how to avoid. Feeling the pain of Michael being gone just makes it even more real.

DABDA

DABDA...

Denial
Anger
Bargining
Depression
Acceptance

The five stages of grief. I learned about this while I was taking a CNA course the summer of 2008. We had to learn it because our main focus was taking care of the elderly and some day, a patient of ours might pass away. It was always made evident that once you finish with one stage, you quickly go into the other. They never tell you what it's really like. They don't include the different add-ins like the confusion and the inability to remember anything. They also don't include that you skip around. It doesn't go in a fluid progression from one into the other.

Denial... (BIG) check. Anger... check. Bargining... check. Depression... check. Acceptance......

I can't accept it. I still don't believe he is gone. I still feel like I am going to wake up from this nightmare and open my eyes to see him laying there next to me. I think about the life that we should have had. The life that was so close into grasp. We were going to be parents. We were going to have careers. Michael was going to be an Officer in the Marine Corps. We had an amazing life planned out for us. And a split second some ass hole takes it all away. Michael was HOME! He was SAFE!

I have said it hundreds of times before and I am sure I have even written it on here... When Michael was deployed, I held my breath. You always have it in the back of your head that anything is possible when they are fighting in a war. Every time my door bell rang or I had a knock on my door, I had a mini panic attack. That was the one thing you had to prepare for. But Michael came home. He came home twice. This last time was supposed to be the last time for a long time. He wasn't going to deploy with his unit at Miramar, he was going to stay home and run the shop until he was supposed to go to college. He had a guaranteed 5 years home. He was home and I was able to breathe. He was safe and nothing was supposed to happen to him.

I found myself the other day, being in the same turning situation as the man who hit Michael. I was making a left hand turn. I wasn't at a light. I found myself stairing at the traffic going in the opposite direction and I am just stairing in amazment because this man really did not care enough to pay attention. I could see all of these cars in plain view. How could he have not saw Michael?! Michael's bike was black and blue. He had a helmet on, which was also black and blue. He must have not looked. That one mistake look my husband's life and ruined mine.

I miss you Michael. My love for you is eternal.

Eulogy

At Michael's funeral, I got up and gave the eulogy. People ask me how I did it and I really don't know how to answer them. I just did. I really had no idea what is supposed to go into a eulogy, so I just talked about him and told everyone about the Michael that I am so in love with.

Here it is...

Michael Martins was born on August 24th, 1986 in Livingston New Jersey. He was born to a very beautiful and loving family. Gene and Maria Martins already had a son, Daniel, who is 4 years older than Michael. Shortly after the birth of Michael, the family welcomed a baby girl, Crystal, into their lives. At that time, their family was complete.

I remember hearing stories of their childhood, Dan and Michael riding bikes and some how, on more than one occasion, with the help of Dan, Michael managed to get hit by a car, no matter if it was moving or parked. Not once, but twice. The small family of 5 decided to move to Cape Coral Fl in 1993. They moved to the house that they have lived in ever since. Michael would tell me stories about how Dan did not want to hang out with his younger brother, so he resorted to playing kitchen with Crystal in the back yard. From what Maria and Gene, and pretty much everyone else who was close to him explained to me how Michael knew how to pitch a fit, be independent, and he certainly knew how to be completely stubborn.

When it came to high school, Michael followed his brother Dan over to Mariner High School. He also followed his bother and played the tuba in both concert band and marching band.

I met Michael when I was 14 years old. I lived down the street from Michael for about a year before we even knew each other. I didn’t meet my neighbor until summer band practices in 2001. Our parents coordinated times to pick up and drop us off for school, mandatory band practices, competitions, and football games. Michael would always try to flirt with me. Which would consist of poking me in the side or awkwardly trying to tickle me. This, obviously prevented me from perusing things with Michael for the majority of our high school experience. Ever since Michael and I got together, almost every time I see Maria, she tells me the story how she kept asking Michael to go and ask me out, he always said no. He would shyly claim that we are just friends.

During high school, Michael obviously was the class clown. It would not be surprising if you saw him running around the band room before competitions in boxers, goofing off with the tuba section, or committing inappropriate acts with his tuba. Michael was always a dedicated tuba player and would commit a lot of his free time to practicing and improving his tuba skills. Michael’s best friends, Stacey and Bryan were practically all attached, they all shared an obsession for Harry Potter. I remember, they even exchanged Harry Potter paraphernalia for one Christmas.

During Michael’s senior year, he was voted by his graduating class as having the “best smile” which we alllllll know is sooo true and sooo appropriate. He was also elected as tuba section leader. As a senior in high school, Michael made the decision to enlist in the United States Marine Corps. After graduating from high school, he went to Parris Island, South Carolina for Marine Corps Boot Camp in the summer of 2004.

While at boot camp he held a squad leader position for a portion of his time there. Every once in a while he would mention to me how much he missed boot camp and from time to time he would make fun of the DIs.
Michael then attended Marine Combat Training at Camp Lejune, North Carolina. After Michael graduated from MCT school, he came home for recruiter assistant leave. Right after Michael came home he decided to give my best friend Jamie and call to see what was going on... However, at that time, Jamie had a boyfriend, but I was completely single. Jamie immediately passed the phone over to me after she explained to him that I was available. The next day, Michael gave me a call and we decided to go on a date to “junk-a-noos” on the beach. It was such an awkward time for the both of us because we were SUCH good friends during high school and it just did not seem natural, but none the less we did have an amazing time. Our liking for each other grew, and before we both knew it, we fell in love. I still remember our first kiss together and I can still feel those butterflies flutter in my stomach. But we soon both realized that our relationship would not last because Michael had a career ahead of him and I was still in high school.

Michael attended the Marine Air Ground Task Force Training at the Navy and Marine Corps Training Center in Dam Neck, Virginia. The Marine Corps considers this MOS, or Marine Occupational School for the Intelligence field. Michael then met his brothers in arms, Stephen Otico and Travis Silvest. While Michael was on student status, Michael was meritoriously promoted to Lance Corporal on March 2nd, 2005. When Michael graduated from MOS school he graduated 12th in his class in May 2005. Upon graduating Michael, along with Otico, Silvest and Jack Britton, were assigned to Head Quarters Company 5th Marine Regiment in Camp Pendleton California.

So it was not until about 6 months after we broke things off, Michael and I started to talk again. He reconnected with me on a little website known as Myspace. After 1 day of e-mailing, we started communicating on the phone and we talked everyday for a month straight. During this time, Michael asked me if I would like to attend the Marine Corps Ball with him in Las Vegas NV in November of 2005. Obviously I said yes.

Three months later, in February of 2006, Michael was deployed to Camp Fallujah, Iraq. While there, Michael was sent to work with 1st Battalion 1st Marines to support their S-2 shop. During his deployment, Michael got promoted to the rank of Corporal. He was Corporal Michael Martins. He finally came home on January 31st, 2007, which is actually my birthday. Maria, Gene, Daniel, Crystal, and I all welcomed him only on a rainy morning. On that particular day, I found out that I got accepted to San Diego State University in California. This information changed my life.

Shortly after his return to the United States, Michael came home to visit his family and I. ::MENTION STORY OF HOW HE WAS TOO AFRAID TO ASK DAD TO MARRY ME:: Michael finally mustered up the courage to propose to me on March 18th, 2007.

Michael and I said our beloved “I do’s” to each other on May 12th, 2007. We had a perfect and beautiful ceremony on Fort Myers Beach in the presence of our parents and siblings. Even though it was not exactly the wedding that either one of us hoped or dreamed for, it ended up being everything and more. it was the best day of both of our lives. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life.

One short month later, I made the cross country trip from Florida to San Diego California to be with my new husband. Married life came so easy and natural to us. Michael would work during the week and I started up my education in hopes to one day to become a nurse.

During this time Michael became friends with Robert Greenwood, Daryl Mullins, and his best friend Trey Stewart. Those three were constantly at our house and they quickly became family.

Unfortunately, in January of 2008, my family, Michael, Travis, Stephen, Jack, Robert, Daryl, and Trey all got deployed to Al Asad Iraq. During this particular tour Michael bounced around Iraq helping out other units and battalions in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. On October 1st, 2008, Michael made the choice to reenlist in the United States Marine Corps and promised to commit another four years to our country. Michael finally got on a plane December 6th, 2008 and arrived home 2 days later.

On January 1st, 2009 Michael was finally promoted and he gave me the honors of pinning on his new rank of Sergeant. While trying to adjust to our lives of living together again, Michael and I made a permanent change of duty station to Miramar California, which is still in San Diego. Michael was assigned to Head Quarters Squadron, Marine Aircraft Group 11. Around the same time, we adopted our goober of a pup, Koby. More recently, in July we adopted our lovable baby pit bull, Milo.

Over the last year, Michael had been constantly working on his package to the Marine Enlisted Commissioning Education Program, which would allow him to go to college and upon graduation, be commissioned as a Marine Corps Officer. We both decided that this would be the best decision to ensure us of the best life possible.

Michael and I hoped to one day have children, we even coordinated with Daniel and his beautiful wife AnnMarie to have a soccer team of children. We wanted to travel and see the world. We hoped to purchase and own our own house, and maybe even one day a BMW to park inside the garage. We were on top of the word and for us, the sky was the limit.

Just over a week ago, you cooked me dinner. Just over a week ago you were contemplating if it was a good idea to rent or buy a house. Just over a week ago you were taking the pups out and nagged me about what time I would be out of class. Just over a week ago you bugged me about the laundry, and a apologized about the amount of time I spent at work and school. Just over a week ago you told me you loved me and kiss me good bye.

If I have learned anything from this horrible horrible situation its just how much you really loved me, how much you have touched everyone in your life, and just how much you will be missed Michael Martins. I love you forever and infinity my Tayte!!!!


There is a part in there, the second to last paragragh that I could not read. I would not have been able to make it to the end, so I just skipped to the last paragragh.

I love you Michael.