Wednesday, December 29, 2010

my true friends

Sometimes I feel like grief, depression and anxiety are my only friends. We all sit in a circle on my king size bed holding hands because we are always connected. 

Depression leans over and whispers to me "You will never be that happy again. You are a fat piece of shit. You will always be alone. Death is easier than living. Go eat".  

Anxiety interrupts by screaming "EVERYONE YOU LOVE WILL DIE - DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE, YOU'LL GET INTO A CAR ACCIDENT AND DIE- A JET ENGINE WILL FALL FROM THE SKY AND LAND ON YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR DOG WILL DIE"! 

Then grief chimes in with "He is gone. You will never be able to look in his eyes, hold his hand or kiss his lips. No one will ever love you like he did. You will be alone for the rest of your miserable life". 

And this conversation seems to go on and on. Every. Single. Day. Grief - depression - anxiety are the friends that won't seem to go away, but yet they have been there since the beginning. They have been the constant since Michael has died. It almost seems like it would be another loss if they were to go away.

3 comments:

  1. Wow Allison you've described exactly how I've been feeling so perfectly, I live in every word of this post... This last month I've felt like I need to just crawl in a hole and rot. I have never felt worse about myself in my entire life. I posted about it the other day too. Grief, depression and anxiety may stay a constant ,but so will the love that you and Michael created.
    ...To bad we can't see ourselves through their eyes
    sending love your way

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  2. They are no friends Allie, they are assholes! Assholes I know all too well!! You need to kick those bitches to the curb!! You are a beautiful, strong, amazing woman. You can, and will do this! Now, don't make me come to Florida and kick you in the booty!! :) Love you to pieces!!

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