Thursday, July 29, 2010

i will not forget you

The truest words of all.
I will not forget you.
You are the waking thought,
my sweetest memories, my dearest dreams.
I will not forget you.
You have touched my soul, opened my eyes, 
changed me very experience of the universe.
I will not forget you. I see you in the flowers,
the sunset, the sweep of the horizon,
and all things that stretch to infinity.
I will not forget you.
I have carved you on the palm of my hand.
I carry you with me forever.

-Ellen Sue Stern

Well I haven't written in 10 days. I don't really have much to write about I guess. Usually, before I write on here, I have a burning itch to write something. It's almost like I feel like I am going to be sick. That some way, if I don't get it out I am going to end up vomiting all over myself... or someone else. But if I can get to my computer when I have this stirring idea, I can successfully vomit in a toilet. :) Thank you blog for being my toilet.

I don't know where I am at right now. I haven't really cried in a few days. I cried over the weekend here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, those times that I cried was more like tearing up compared to the way I cry when I am alone. I feel like I am going back into that numbness again. That horrible fog that widows who are further out describe with a hint of annoyance. It really sucks not being able to feel anything. It's frustrating. I hate it.

However, this time is a little different. I do tend to get those breakthrough moments when I feel it. Where it hits me like a cannon ball. My blood catches on fire and I can't breathe. Michael is dead. I am not sure what triggers it, but it is happening more frequently. I wish it wouldn't happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want this to be real.

Lately, I have been trying to remember a lot of the things I have forgotten in the beginning. My brain shut down, allowed my body to go through the motions, it cushioned me from feeling the full amount of pain one should feel after losing their spouse. I don't remember much of anything. I remember bits and pieces but not the full picture. I don't understand my intense curiosity as to what all happened during the first few months after Michael was killed. But I want to know them. I need to know. So if you know anything... please describe in a comment.

Well that is all I have for now. If I feel the need to vomit, I know where to come to.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

sunday, again.

Getting to know YOU

1. If you had to choose a country to live in besides USA (or the country you live in), which would it be?

Probably somewhere in Europe, and it wouldn't really be a country, I would sort of go where ever the wind takes me. 

2. Which would be worse, wearing flip flops in the snow or wearing gloves in the summer?

I think wearing flip flops in the snow. I am not a snow person, so the thought of subjecting my toes to the freezing cold sounds like torture compared to wearing gloves in the summer.  

3. Fried or Bake and why?
Baked. Healthier... I think.

4. If you were an entertainment reporter, which celeb would you love to interview and why?
Robert Pattinson... helllloooo... no explanation needed

5. What was your favorite book as a preteen/teenager?
I didn't really read much during high school. Except for one book, which was Looking for Alaska by John Green. It was pretty good. I read it cover to cover in one day. I bawled like a baby too. 

6. List your top 3 guilty pleasure television shows.
Real Housewives... of whatever city, The Office, and True Blood :)

7. What bumper sticker slogan best describes you/your attitude/your life?
"watch out for motorcycles"

8. If you were to join a circus - what performer would you be?

I don't know, I have never really been to a circus.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


So today I took a break from my etsy stuff. There have been a few projects that I have started for my house but I have put on the back burner due to starting up my etsy business. I have plans for every wall in my house. It's just a matter of finding the motivation/time/means to actually go through with what I have planned.

For starters, I found one of those awesome vinyl wall quotes at a craft store. The quote says it all! I also found this picture frame set on sale at Kohls. When I laid my eyes on it, I knew I had to have it! It was the last one left so I really lucked out. I already knew I wanted to do something like this for this particular wall. It's the first wall you look at when you walk into my house. I always wanted to have a wall dedicated to our photo shoot that we had in Balboa Park in San Diego. I really love how it turned out.

The next project I finished I actually thought of doing today. I have a 4th room in my house that can either be another bedroom or an office/den. When I first saw the house, even before I decided on buying it, I said that this room was going to be a "Michael room". I plan on making this room an area that I can display our achievements. I always wanted to do this to our office in our apartment, but I held off on doing anything because we planned on either renting or buying a house soon and I didn't want to put a bunch of holes in the wall if we were going to move soon.

Anyway, back to the "Michael room"... I was inspired when I was in the Lee County Tax Collector's office changing the title of our cars into my name, changing the address on my license, and to get new tags for the cars. I wanted to get a gold star tag and a Marine Corps tag. It was a struggle for me to get the gold star tag. They didn't want to give it to be because Michael did not die while he was in a war zone. However, technically he did die in the line of duty. Which at that point, you are considered a "gold star family". A lot of people mistake this title only being reserved for families who have someone die in combat. I don't take well to being discriminated because of how Michael died. It's the same result. He still came home in a coffin. He still had a funeral will full military honorers. He still fought for our country. Just because some old man took his life and not a terrorist shouldn't put me in a different arena separated from other Military Widows. I argued my point, the lady helping me agreed with me but she still needed to speak with two managers and call the state twice, just to verify. I proudly walked out of that office with a gold star tag in my hands. :)

ANYWAY... sorry for my rant... While I was sitting in the office, I was thinking of what I could do with the old tags. I always considered it an accomplishment for us to own two cars, FULLY paid off by the time we were 20. Not many 20 year olds can say the same. So after I left the tax collector's office, I went to a craft store and got a shadow box and two picture frames.... and this is the finished product....

The both of the pictures were taken after we got the cars. The one on the top, we bought just before we were married. We used it as our wedding "get away" car. :) The bottom picture was Michael right after we bought the Maxima. He was so proud of that car. He used the money he earned from his first deployment the purchase it.

If you know me, you know that I don't like to throw anything of Michael's out. I get anxiety when I think of throwing anything out. I'm not sure why but I do. As you can see I haven't done much with this room and it is a bit of a mess.

The last project I did today was one that I had already started in my room. I was inspired by Carrie Bradshaw's room in the first Sex In The City movie after she revamped her room.

I love all of the different picture frames over her bed and I wanted to do something like that in my room. It's not exactly the same. I decided to use all different shapes and sizes of picture frames. I am happy with the way this is turned out. I am not close to being done though. I would like to cover this whole wall with pictures. :) Here is the progress so far...

The more and more I decorate my house, I feel more and more in love with it. At first, I kind of felt like buying this house was a mistake. I kind of felt like I rushed into it. I mean this house was the SECOND house I looked at. I just kept remembering the feeling I felt when I first walked into the house. I knew that Michael would love it and I felt him the most in this house. So I went with my gut. And now, finally after 4 months of owning this hunk of concrete, I am starting to love it.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

getting to know you sunday-funday!

Ok so I didn't do last weeks getting to know you Sunday. I am in a better mood this Sunday so I figured I would take advantage of it. :)
Getting to know YOU

Here is the link if you want to join in on the fun too!

1. What is YOUR definition of sexy?

Smart, funny, classy, and confident
2. Would you rather clean up puke or change a poopy diaper?

umm... puke. I had to clean up shit diapers for the summer of 2008 while training to get my CNA license and I have never smelled anything like that before. I would rather not have to do it again.

3. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
Introvert mostly.

4. If you had to give up one of your 5 senses for a year..which one would you give up?
 Sense of taste. There is no point in eating the bad-for-you stuff if you can't taste it!

5. Cake or Pie?

6. If you could play any character on TV (old or current) who would you play?

7. My favorite website is.....?
 ETSY! visit my shop :)

8. The highlight of my day is....?

Selling something from my etsy store :) OK now go and make a girl smile :)

Saturday, July 10, 2010

new motto

"the moment you stop seeking validation from any influence outside yourself is the moment you truly begin to live. let no one tell you who you are- define yourself"

Friday, July 9, 2010


See, I have this dress. The first and the last time I wore this dress, it was brand new. I ordered it off of urban and it was fresh out of it's little plastic bag. Never worn before. The dress was a black and gray cotton dress with houndstooth (if you don't know what that means, google it) print. The first and last day I wore the dress I wore it with a black cardigan and black tights and a pair of black flats. I didn't realize it when I put this outfit together, that it would be so fitting for the events of the day.

The first and the last time I wore this dress was the day that Michael died.

Right now, I have the dress sitting in a pile of clothes that I will take to good will. I am tempted to take the dress out of the pile. I don't feel right about giving it away. It's not only the dress I wore the day Michael was killed, it was also the last thing he saw me in. The last piece of clothes I kissed my husband in. So although, I'll never wear it again, I think I will hang onto it for a while.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

"What would Michael want you to do?"

I've been asked this question several times in my short 8 months of being a widow. This question usually followed questions about me dating again or getting remarried down the road or suggestions of everything being ok because I am so young.

"You're only 23 right? You're so young, this won't last for very long, you'll find someone else."

My response usually goes something like this... "Thank you, but I knew at 18 years old that I didn't want anyone else but Michael. I was 20 when we said our "I do's". I knew then that I only wanted to be with Michael for the rest of my life and just because he physically isn't here anymore, doesn't change that."

Their response is usually something like this... "Well what do you think Michael would want you to do? Don't you think he would want you to be happy?"

I am always stumped at this question. Because I honestly don't know what Michael would want me to do. How he would want me to live my life without him here beside me. We never discussed this. Not even before he took off on his two combat deployments. Michael refused to write his will. He said he didn't want to jinx himself. He wanted to be optimistic about coming home. So the discussion of what to do in the event of his passing was never brought up, not once. The only thing I do know is what he would want me to do if he were still here.

Finish school, be something bigger than myself, buy a house, take care of our animals, travel, experience life. I am trying to do those things as best as I can. The only thing I left out of that list is have children. If he were still alive that would probably be at the top of the list. There isn't a point to have it on there anymore.

Those people who ask me "what would Michael want you to do" want me to say "move on, find love again, find another man, get married". They don't want to see a 23 year old widow and they think that me finding another husband will fix me. I'm broken and there isn't anyone but Michael who can fix me. A man, now, isn't going to bring me happiness. I believe that living my life in the way that we had intended to live our lives together is what's going to bring me happiness.

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

quick sand

I haven't been able to write anything lately. I don't know why. I guess my head is just full of junk and I can't seem to muddle my way through anything. I have been kind of going through the motions of life lately. Just allowing myself to be pulled ever which way.

I feel like I am sinking fast into a pool of quick sand. I feel like my grief is swallowing me whole. I don't even know which way is up anymore. I don't know the difference between right and wrong. I don't know anything anymore. I don't understand anything. All I know is that this sand is coming up fast and it is beginning to suffocate me. It's already got my arms trapped. It is slowly creeping up my chest and neck. Pretty soon it will be filling my mouth, ears and nose. But it won't matter because it is already hard to breathe.

Most of the time I am able to take my mind away from things. I have become good at busy work. Like working on my etsy stuff. Surrounding myself with people. Reading. I have realized that I could probably make a lot of money being an actress. It's not that I am being fake with anyone - it's just that I am able to act - put on a face for everyone. But it's exhausting. But I hide it so much to the point of where I have dreams of screaming and crying my eyes out.

I don't even know how to deal with my own self. Let alone anyone else's issues. I don't know why, but people seem to think that I am an ok person for them to come to with their problems. Maybe because I've been through hell and back, I might have some personal wisdom to share. I don't know. I don't get it. I wish it would just stop. I wish everything would just stop. I wish it all would have stopped 8 months ago.