Friday, April 30, 2010


So I am laying in bed, tossing and turning trying to force myself to go to sleep. Obviously, no such luck because I am sitting here at my desk top blogging... apparently about sandwiches. My mind is running, and it has been running a whole lot lately. I was laying in the dark and I start thinking about sandwiches and how the only truly amazing, classic sandwiches always paired one thing with another. Peanut butter and jelly. BLT. ham and cheese. I used to get an amazing sand which at a gourmet sand which place with brie, black forest ham, spring lettcue mix, and a cranberry chutney, I was addicted to it. The other day I had a pesto, mozzarella, and tomato sand which that was amazing. Michael and I used to go to an Italian joint in San Diego that would stuff pasta inside of a garlic roll -- our favorite was cheese ravioli in pesto sauce. If you are ever in SD you have to go to Devine Pastabilities.

What I am trying to get at is that every good, tasty, delicious sandwich, when you look inside it always has a pair (or more). It's the jelly that compliments the peanut butter. The cheese that makes the ham taste so good. I used to have my Michael that made me, me. You look at me now and I don't have my other ingredient to make me whole. I know I will always have him with me. I carry him around where ever I go. But physically, obviously, he is no longer here, by my side, making me whole.

Now I am just a boring mayonnaise sandwich. A stupid "i wish" sandwich...

I guess I am ok with that, I have to be. Besides, when I was a kid, I really did like mayonnaise sandwiches.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


One of my biggest fears since the beginning of this journey has been my memory of Michael slowly fading. I am so afraid that I will forget him. I am afraid that as new memories form the memories of Michael will slowly get pushed out. Just like the memories of high school are much more distant than the ones of college. I don't want Michael to go anywhere. I have been wanting to write all of the memories that I have of him down, but I just can't. For some reason is to too painful to remember each detail and relive it knowing that I will never feel that way again. But at the same time, I know its necessary.

I know for a fact that there are definitely memories that will never fade. For example, the first time we kissed and the way his lips felt against mine. It was completely different and I knew for some reason I wouldn't kiss anyone else. The look on his face when he came to pick me up from the airport in San Diego for my first visit out to see him. How it felt the first night I fell asleep in his arms. The emense pain I felt when I had to say "see you later" before he left for his first deployment. The horrific anticipation I felt the night he was coming home and the huge relief I felt when I saw his huge smile walking towards me and finally having him in my arms again for the first time in a year. The look in his eyes when he asked me to marry him.

I'm sorry I can't write everything that I wanted to write.

Monday, April 26, 2010

While living in San Diego, we always would complain that San Diego never had any really good thunderstorms. With both of us being from Florida, thunderstorms were something we were so used to. We always wanted thunderstorms to happen because of the atmosphere that accompanied them. Well this morning I went through my first thunderstorm since I have been back in Florida. The sky was consistently lighting up and there was no chance that I could fall back asleep. I admit that I was a little scared too. I couldn't help but to think how things would be different if Michael was actually here with me. I can only assume that he would be awake too and we would just lay in bed cuddling until the storm slowed down. I know that nothing will ever be the same.

While I was laying there listening to my house take the abuse of the storm, I was thinking about a picture frame I bought not too long ago. It has a quote: "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain". To me this is very similar to the one "When life gives you lemons... make lemonade". When times get tough, learn to make the most out of it because no matter what life goes on. I don't know if I can learn to dance in this storm of my life. How to I go on with my life when he is not here to hold my hand the whole way through? I admit, lately I have just let life pass me by. I don't want to do anything. I only want my Michael.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

"O, here
Will I set up my everlasting rest
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh! Eyes, look your last.
Arms, take your last embrace. And, lips, O, you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death."

 -William Shakespeare

Monday, April 19, 2010

here's to a semi-happy ending...

We found Milo a new home! My in-laws have a farm out in Punta Gorda, FL and one of their neighbors out on the farm owns a lot of pit bulls. They have the pit bulls to go hunting for wild boars with. So my father-in-law called and asked the neighbor if he might want Milo. Danny, My brother-in-law came and picked Milo up this morning to go and show him to the guy and he likes Milo and decided to keep him! So Milo will live the good life, hunting boars! I was just happy that I didn't have to resort to taking him to the humane society. I am sure they are already crowded, and I don't even want to think about him having to beg for someone else to love him. I know he will have a good life there.

I was sad to see him leave but I know this is a good thing. I will miss him dearly. However, I won't miss the part of him and Koby fighting and trying to kill each other. I was having anxiety last night with him still here. The energy was just bad and I broke down. I really, as much as I hate it, just wanted him to go. Now, there is a sense of relief and calm in my house. I know it can only get better (concerning the dogs).

Koby is doing better. He isn't hobbling around anymore. I have an appointment to take him to his normal vet this afternoon. He is doing really well with having a cone around his head. It is funny to watch him run into everything. He literally looks like a satellite dish. I feel like my love for him has grown and the bond between us has only gotten stronger.

It will be much easier now. Michael and I had a lot of fun with Koby when it was just the 3 of us. If I want to go for a jog on the beach, I can take him with me and not worry about being pulled down the beach. I can take him around other dogs and people and not have to worry. This is a good thing. I can also finally bring Samara, our kitty, here too! Milo would have definitely eaten her. Her and Koby were always good together.

As for me, I am sad, but I am ok. My leg is still hurting but I have medicine to take care of the pain. I have an appointment next week to get my staples taken out. I have a carpet cleaner coming tomorrow as well. When I said the fight turned into a blood bath, I was not joking, there is blood everywhere in my room. I just pray that he is able to get out all of the blood. If he can't then I am afraid I will have to replace my carpet.

I just wanted to thank everyone for all of the support you have given me. Especially my family, I would be lost without you. Leah if you weren't there, Koby would be dead, I owe you big time. My mom, my in-laws, my brother and sister-in law have all been a huge help. Thank you. I know that Michael is proud of my decision and I don't regret it. Not only did I save myself and Koby, but I saved Milo as well.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

when will it stop?

Just when you think that you have had enough piled onto your plate... something else happens. Something else I never thought would happen... happened. My dogs, Milo and Koby have turned on each other. I don't even know where to begin.

I guess it really started to happen a few weeks ago, they would get in little scuffles here and there, but nothing serious. Milo will become fixated on something and Koby will feel the need to try to correct him. Milo is becoming an adult, he will be a year next month, and I am assuming that he doesn't want Koby to boss him around. So they fight. It was managable, nothing to worry about, until this week. On Tuesday they got into a fight. I don't remember how it started or why, but my mom and I were able to break it up. Wednesday was worse. I was outside with the two of them and Milo saw a soccer ball. He went nuts and tried to escape the yard and before I knew it they were in a full blown fight. I was out there alone and I could not get them to stop. I was so lucky that my neighbor was outside and he was able to jump my fence and help me pull them apart. Koby got hurt worse than Milo. My hand also got bit in the process. I knew it was an accident. I got bruised up bad as well. They are both extremely strong dogs (Milo moreso than Koby, obviously) and it just got out of control. I know I only made it worse though because I was screaming and I started to hit the both of them with a stick. I didn't (and still don't) know how to break up a dog fight.

I decided however, that I could make it work without having to give up one of them. I could not bear the thought of giving up one of our children. I was keeping them separated and rotating them in and out of the house and in and out of rooms. It seemed to work... for two days...

Today was the second worst day of my life. Well not the whole entire day, it was good up until around 6 pm. Leah, my sister is visiting and we were getting ready to head out to the store. Koby and Milo were both in the house. Milo was in the living room and Koby was in my room. Well I was walking out of my room and Milo just so happened to be sitting at my door, and some how Koby got passed me. It only took a second before they were going at it. Full force. My room turned into a blood bath, literally. I got bit again. This time on the outside of my right thigh and this time it was 100x worse than the first one. Thank god my sister was there, because if she wasn't, I would probably have a dead dog. After was seemed an eternity, we were able to separate them. Once they were both safe, I had to rush to the hospital. They took me right in and now I have 5 staples in my leg. I had a mini panic attack in my head because the last time I was at the hospital, was the day I lost my husband.

Once I was taken care of, we went back to the house and took Koby to an emergency vet hospital. He had to have surgery to have 4 drains put in some of his deeper wounds. It started bawling when my poor pup hobbled out. He got hurt really really bad.

I have decided that I just cannot keep Milo. It really does break my heart. I feel like I have failed him and Michael. I know however, that if Michael were here, he would want to give him up after the first time I got hurt. I am desperately looking for a no-kill animal shelter or rescue. I can't keep him long enough to find someone else to take him. It is too big of a risk. He truly is a good dog, he just doesn't do well with other male dogs. He needs a lot of work, and unfortunately, I can't handle it anymore. I love both Milo and Koby, my family and everyone else too much to let this possibily happen again. Milo deserves to have the attention and dedication I would have loved to have been able to provide for him. This is not going to be easy. I know that I am doing what is right and I know Michael is helping to guide me through this.


Sunday, April 11, 2010


Lately, I have been lost. Consumed in my thoughts and I cannot seem to find the right ways to untangle them to make everything make sense. Therefore I have not been able to write much. Lately I have been really effected by the garbage from some certain people in my life. It just makes it even more evident that I need to do some spring cleaning in the friendship department. These few people who I have in mind probably don't even have a clue that what they have done through their actions and words have so deeply effected me. Losing Michael has caused me to grow a backbone, in a sense. I don't put up with crap from people, and I have made it know when I don't like something.

I have learned that my days here are numbered. Life is too short to have people in your life who are just going to bring you down.

I have been finding myself desperately trying to keep myself distracted. I won't go to sleep until my eyes can no longer stay open. I will read until I wake up with the book on my chest in the middle of the night. I try to fill my day with mindless bull shit (honestly, I cannot find a better word for it) to keep me occupied. Maybe that's why my head has been such a mess lately. I just don't want to think about my husband being gone forever. However, I will have moments of clarity. Where I realize everything. It could be something as simple as his smile or the sound of his voice or the fact that he never took off his wedding ring. Then it will just trigger, like a hole being punched through my chest, I can't breath and my eyes fill with tears. My husband, my beautiful husband is dead. I will never get to touch his perfect body again. Kiss his beautiful lips. Hold his hand that fit into mine like a puzzle piece.

Sometimes I really just want to scream.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

All I believe in by The Magic Numbers

I really love this song. I can't find it to add to my play list.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


This cannot be real. This could not have been Michael's fate. He was so young. He had his whole life ahead of him. This could not have happened. I am still in so much shock. I so desperately want this to just be a horrific dream. I don't want to walk this path of life without Michael. He is such an amazing man. How can this be possible?

Michael and I had a big discussion about him getting a motorcycle. I told him how I felt. That it scared me to death and if something were to happen to him, I don't know what I would do. I told him that everyone I know who has ridden a motorcycle has been hurt by them. I told him that he was an adult and I was not going stop him from being happy. Did I seal his fate when I didn't put up a fight? He did everything right though. He took 2 safety courses. He took really good care of his bike. He was always wearing his helmet and gloves. He never went 10 mph over the speed limit. He was as safe as you could be on one of those things. How did this happen?!


Why aren't there time machines?

Why didn't I tell him to take his car because it looked like it was going to rain that day?

Why did I have to ask him to feed the dogs?

Maybe, just maybe it would have put him 5 minutes ahead of that reckless old man.

Why was that man driving?

Why us? We were good. Our marriage was at its best. We were more in love than ever.

Why does it have to be like this?

I never want Michael to be a distant memory. Just something that I think about from time to time.

Oh God... please just give me peace.
What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us.
-Helen Keller


"because sometimes people actually do feel that way. sometimes it feels like your life is caving in on you. sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they just want to crawl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death. saying 'i don't want to exist' isn't saying 'i want to go die' its saying 'i wish that, for the time being, i could go somewhere and not have to feel'. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. and if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does."

Thank you. 

Friday, April 2, 2010

fast forward

I feel like I am just waking up. I am starting to come to and I am looking around thinking... how did I get here? It's coming up on 5 months. In 4 more days it will be 5 months. It has been 147 days since November 6th. I think back about my life before, and I think I used to bearly go 2 days without talking to Michael, even while he was in Iraq. If a whole entire day passes, if 25 hours had passed and I had not spoken to Michael, I would get very anxious until he called. I haven't talked to him in almost 5 months. It is absolute craziness to me and I don't know how I have dealt with it as well as I have.

So today, I was just sitting there, and I just feel like I was hit by a rush of reality. I feel like my life has been on a VHS tape and on November 6th someone hit fast forward and here I am. I don't remember how I got here. I can think back and I see myself. But I only see my shell. I don't see me. This is my life now and I so desparately wish, so very badly that I had my life before back.

I want this back. I love you so much Michael. My love for you is ever eternal.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

the pain

So I have found a really good description of the pain. It's from New Moon, a second book in the Twilight Saga. I know, I know... Don't get on me about reading those books, I love them. I am rereading them right now to keep my mind occupied, distracted.

"I lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made its appearance. It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielding me nothing. My heart must have beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me."

"And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain -- the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head -- but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it."

This is a pretty good description of my pain, thank you Stephenie Meyer for being able to put it into words for me. There is only one difference though, the pain, for me, radiates throughout my body. Like my blood is on fire. It is absolutely a strange thing that the brain can transform emotional pain into crippling physical pain.

I miss you so much Michael. I would do anything for just an hour, 15 minutes, hell even a minute with you again...

society sucks

Lately I have been feeling angry. I'm not mad at anyone in particular, besides the obvious (the man who killed my husband), but I'm just plain mad. I am mad that I am 23 years old and I am a widow. Not a wife, not a married woman. Society doesn't let me have that title anymore. In legal forms, I HAVE to now put that I am single. Although, in my head, I am clearly not single. I hate that. For the first couple of months, it didn't even occur to me that I was technically, no longer married. I just continued checking the "M" box under martial status. I think it really donned on me that my title has completely changed was when I was closing on my house. I was sitting there about to sign my life away and the lady from the title company looks at my left hand, and then back to me, almost in a panic asking me if I was married. I said yes, but I am a widow. I think she was happier because she did not have to go through and redo all of my paper work than we was sympathetic that I am this young, and a widow.

That word still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Widow. It's a word that makes you think of this picture when you hear it. Not a 23 year old woman. I guess if I can no longer say that I am Sgt Michael Martins wife, then I can live with being Sgt Michael Martins widow. I will carry around that title just as proud as I carried around the prior one.

I know I have said this before, and I am sure I sound like a broken record to some people, but I hate hate hate it when people tell me that I am so young and that I will find love again. That is not what I want to hear!!! I don't know what I want to hear, and I am sure I will never be happy with hearing anything, but I just don't want to hear that. People can be so dumb sometimes. Like the friend of mine, who told me she was cheating on her husband, when I found out that mine was never coming home. Or the countless amount of people who came up to me and told me that Michael was in a better place. Yes, I agree, heaven is a million times better than here, but I have always considered that to be something you say to someone who had just lost their uncle who has battled a horrible disease for a long time. You don't say that to someone who just lost their husband when there was nothing wrong with them. I'm sorry, I am selfish, but I would have picked the better place for Michael to be is with me.

I remember wanting to write something about this subject a month or two after everything happened. I swear I had a list of ridiculous things that people have said. Now, I can only remember those few. And that would be why I am so thankful for my brain shutting down.