the hurt

There are no words tonight. I guess you can say it has just been "one of those days". Worthlessness. Helplessness. Longing. Missing. D all of the above. I just miss you Michael. This can't be real.

“There is one pain I often feel, which you will never know. It is cause by the absence of you.” -unknown

“Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime.” -unknown

“What will survive of us is love” -Philip Larkin

I love you my Tayte. 

Well I haven't written in 10 days. I don't really have much to write about I guess. Usually, before I write on here, I have a burning itch to write something. It's almost like I feel like I am going to be sick. That some way, if I don't get it out I am going to end up vomiting all over myself... or someone else. But if I can get to my computer when I have this stirring idea, I can successfully vomit in a toilet. :) Thank you blog for being my toilet.

I don't know where I am at right now. I haven't really cried in a few days. I cried over the weekend here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, those times that I cried was more like tearing up compared to the way I cry when I am alone. I feel like I am going back into that numbness again. That horrible fog that widows who are further out describe with a hint of annoyance. It really sucks not being able to feel anything. It's frustrating. I hate it.

However, this time is a little different. I do tend to get those breakthrough moments when I feel it. Where it hits me like a cannon ball. My blood catches on fire and I can't breathe. Michael is dead. I am not sure what triggers it, but it is happening more frequently. I wish it wouldn't happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want this to be real.

Lately, I have been trying to remember a lot of the things I have forgotten in the beginning. My brain shut down, allowed my body to go through the motions, it cushioned me from feeling the full amount of pain one should feel after losing their spouse. I don't remember much of anything. I remember bits and pieces but not the full picture. I don't understand my intense curiosity as to what all happened during the first few months after Michael was killed. But I want to know them. I need to know. So if you know anything... please describe in a comment.

Well that is all I have for now. If I feel the need to vomit, I know where to come to.

projects

So today I took a break from my etsy stuff. There have been a few projects that I have started for my house but I have put on the back burner due to starting up my etsy business. I have plans for every wall in my house. It's just a matter of finding the motivation/time/means to actually go through with what I have planned.

For starters, I found one of those awesome vinyl wall quotes at a craft store. The quote says it all! I also found this picture frame set on sale at Kohls. When I laid my eyes on it, I knew I had to have it! It was the last one left so I really lucked out. I already knew I wanted to do something like this for this particular wall. It's the first wall you look at when you walk into my house. I always wanted to have a wall dedicated to our photo shoot that we had in Balboa Park in San Diego. I really love how it turned out.

The next project I finished I actually thought of doing today. I have a 4th room in my house that can either be another bedroom or an office/den. When I first saw the house, even before I decided on buying it, I said that this room was going to be a "Michael room". I plan on making this room an area that I can display our achievements. I always wanted to do this to our office in our apartment, but I held off on doing anything because we planned on either renting or buying a house soon and I didn't want to put a bunch of holes in the wall if we were going to move soon.

Anyway, back to the "Michael room"... I was inspired when I was in the Lee County Tax Collector's office changing the title of our cars into my name, changing the address on my license, and to get new tags for the cars. I wanted to get a gold star tag and a Marine Corps tag. It was a struggle for me to get the gold star tag. They didn't want to give it to be because Michael did not die while he was in a war zone. However, technically he did die in the line of duty. Which at that point, you are considered a "gold star family". A lot of people mistake this title only being reserved for families who have someone die in combat. I don't take well to being discriminated because of how Michael died. It's the same result. He still came home in a coffin. He still had a funeral will full military honorers. He still fought for our country. Just because some old man took his life and not a terrorist shouldn't put me in a different arena separated from other Military Widows. I argued my point, the lady helping me agreed with me but she still needed to speak with two managers and call the state twice, just to verify. I proudly walked out of that office with a gold star tag in my hands. :)

ANYWAY... sorry for my rant... While I was sitting in the office, I was thinking of what I could do with the old tags. I always considered it an accomplishment for us to own two cars, FULLY paid off by the time we were 20. Not many 20 year olds can say the same. So after I left the tax collector's office, I went to a craft store and got a shadow box and two picture frames.... and this is the finished product....

The both of the pictures were taken after we got the cars. The one on the top, we bought just before we were married. We used it as our wedding "get away" car. :) The bottom picture was Michael right after we bought the Maxima. He was so proud of that car. He used the money he earned from his first deployment the purchase it.

If you know me, you know that I don't like to throw anything of Michael's out. I get anxiety when I think of throwing anything out. I'm not sure why but I do. As you can see I haven't done much with this room and it is a bit of a mess.

The last project I did today was one that I had already started in my room. I was inspired by Carrie Bradshaw's room in the first Sex In The City movie after she revamped her room.

I love all of the different picture frames over her bed and I wanted to do something like that in my room. It's not exactly the same. I decided to use all different shapes and sizes of picture frames. I am happy with the way this is turned out. I am not close to being done though. I would like to cover this whole wall with pictures. :) Here is the progress so far...

The more and more I decorate my house, I feel more and more in love with it. At first, I kind of felt like buying this house was a mistake. I kind of felt like I rushed into it. I mean this house was the SECOND house I looked at. I just kept remembering the feeling I felt when I first walked into the house. I knew that Michael would love it and I felt him the most in this house. So I went with my gut. And now, finally after 4 months of owning this hunk of concrete, I am starting to love it.

dress

See, I have this dress. The first and the last time I wore this dress, it was brand new. I ordered it off of urban outfitters.com and it was fresh out of it's little plastic bag. Never worn before. The dress was a black and gray cotton dress with houndstooth (if you don't know what that means, google it) print. The first and last day I wore the dress I wore it with a black cardigan and black tights and a pair of black flats. I didn't realize it when I put this outfit together, that it would be so fitting for the events of the day.

The first and the last time I wore this dress was the day that Michael died.

Right now, I have the dress sitting in a pile of clothes that I will take to good will. I am tempted to take the dress out of the pile. I don't feel right about giving it away. It's not only the dress I wore the day Michael was killed, it was also the last thing he saw me in. The last piece of clothes I kissed my husband in. So although, I'll never wear it again, I think I will hang onto it for a while.

today

Today I decided to stay home. For the most part.

My in-laws and sister-in-law went down to Key West for the day. There is an express boat that will take you from Fort Myers beach to a dock at Key West all under 4 hours. It's a pretty cool deal too. You can make it a one day trip or you can stay for as long as you want. I was asked to come along. But I couldn't.

Last year in April Michael and I took that same boat down to Key West for our "unofficial honeymoon". We never had a honeymoon and this was our first trip alone - no family, just us, spending much needed alone and relaxation time together. When we went, we had an amazing time! No fighting no spats. Nothing. Just pure fun and bliss. The only time there was a bump in the road was when we realized how much money we really spent. Key West is insanely expensive! We went snorkeling along the coral reef. We went on a sunset cruise on a catamaran. We rented bicycles, mopeds, and an electric cart. We went to the beach. Museums. Shopping. Ate a lot of food. And of course we drank! The trip was a success for us! There is nothing but good memories that we left behind there.

I loved that trip so much that a lot of the time, when I think about going back there or if Key West is really brought up at all, I get knots in my stomach. It gets harder to breathe and I want to cry.

So when I was asked to go back there, at first, I wanted to go. I didn't really think much about it, I just wanted to be with my family. But when it set in, there I would be returning there with with a huge chunk missing, I couldn't do it. I got bad anxiety and I freaked out. It was much too soon to go there again.

So today I stayed behind. I didn't want to go the whole day without seeing my Father-in-law though. So I decided to bake muffins the night before so that I could bring them all breakfast in the morning to take on their boat trip. Afterward, I  stopped at Starbucks to get my usual - Skinny Vanilla Latte :) I had Koby with me as well. I decided to take him to the cemetery to visit Michael. I took Milo there once, but never took Koby. We stayed there for a little while. But since Florida is the devil's sauna, we didn't stay long. But apparently, my car wanted us to stay longer because it died! I just laughed because now! Now is when my car decides to crap out!? When no one is home to help a girl out! My mom was still on her vacation and Michael's family just left on a boat! It was all good because I called AAA and it was only my battery that bit the dust.

Other than that, nothing really happened today. I spent most of it working on my stuff for my etsy store. I like doing that sort of stuff. It's not hard at all and I am surprised that I don't see more of it on etsy. I think I like it and I continue to do it so much because it keeps my mind off things.

sick

On Wednesday, I went to San Diego with my in-laws. We didn't go for fun, we didn't go to get away. We went for business, for Michael. I am not going to indulge anyone with the details because it is a private matter. But I will say that nothing was really accomplished.

Being in San Diego was painful. More painful than I ever expected. We were in the same area that Michael and I used to visit. The absence of him was everywhere. At times it was hard to talk and even breathe. He was missing. He should have been there.

I am home now. We left on Friday, so it was a very quick painful jab. I'm sick. I'm exhausted. It seems like every time I come back from San Diego, I come home with a cold. For some reason, this one seems so much worse. I'm exhausted. It's hard for my eyes to focus. My hearing is thrown off. My nose is killing me. And my sinuses are throbbing. I have no motivation to do anything.

This past week has really shown me that when I take 1 step forward, I will most definitely take 2 steps back.

i miss you

I miss the feeling I get with your arms around me.

I miss the way your lips fit perfectly together with mine.

I miss hearing you call me "Tayte"

I miss the way that you smelled after working all days in your camies.

I miss going to church with you.

I miss always holding your hand.

I miss watching you from our apartment playing with Koby and Milo.

I miss your obsessive ways about cleaning.

I miss being woken up everyday to you kissing me goodbye before work.

I miss get text messages from you.

I miss sending you care packages.

I miss goofing off with you, dancing in our kitchen, making weird noises at each other, talking in our weird voices.

I miss helping you on your MECEP package.

I miss the smile on your face when you would walk through the door after work.

I miss cooking with you.

I miss talking about the future with you.

I miss when we would get sentimental, and that look you would give me. It was like I could look into your eyes and see the depths of your soul and see us tangled together.

I even miss you playing video games for hours on end.

I miss fighting with you, because after the fight, there would always be a make-up.

I miss getting dressed up and going on dates with you.

I miss riding on the back of your motorcycle.

I miss your big ugly feet.

I miss how whenever we were together, we always had to be touching.

I miss taking showers with you.

I miss getting 1 am phone calls from Iraq.

I miss your emails.

I miss watching movies with you. 

I miss EVERYTHING about you. I wish you could be home. I need you. I miss hearing you tell me you love me, because baby, I need to hear it now. 

I still can't believe you are gone. 

7 months and 1 day. 

6 months has come and now it is almost gone.
Almost 7 months since I have talked to the love of my life.

Some of my widow friends have told me that around this time, I'll start to feel the magnitude of losing him.
It's like someone turned on the water and then walked away.
And that same person has started to push a dagger through my chest and this person is slowly centimeter by centimeter pushing that dagger closer and closer to my heart.
I'm almost speechless.

That fear of forgetting him is more present than ever. I feel like the memories of him are being pushed out by the grief. But I can't bring them to the surface because it kills me. It kills me because I know that we will never make any new memories ever again. The morning of November 6th, 2009 was the last memories of him I will ever have.

I spent Memorial Day weekend in Washington DC with my widdas. I love being with them. When I am with those women, I feel almost normal again. I know that when I am with these other women no one is looking at me like a bad accident. I am able to laugh and not feel bad. And when I talk about what I am going through, I know that I am talking to someone who has gone through it, or is going through it too. It was amazing to be able to reconnect with some of the other widows from the Florida get-a-way as well as meet other widows. I was able to hear about other love stories and know that I am truly not alone. I don't know where I would be without them.

While we were there we went to Arlington. Being there was really hard. Right when I stepped off the bus, I felt like my heart was so heavy. It was hard to breathe at times. We went to section 60. Section 60 is where service men and women are buried from Iraq and Afghanistan. Being there was so hard. Even though Michael is not there, it felt like he was all around me. Seeing so many head stones there was unbearable. Being there reminded me, some how, that Michael is really gone. It was emotionally draining.

But now I am back at my home in Florida. I feel so alone here. I don't have friends here. No one here just calls me out of the blue to see how I am doing or to see if I want to meet up for coffee. The one and only time I really went out with friends was back in March. No one, besides my close friends, talked to me. No asked me to see what I was up to. It was soo weird. And the one and only person who talked to me (besides my close friends) asked me if I was dating yet! How awkward! I was already nervous about going out, and that made me want to stay locked up in my house forever. I hate being treated with kid gloves. I hate that its different now. But I also hate when people say stupid things. This is a huge reason why I just want to run away. Just go somewhere I don't know anyone. But then again, I would probably just feel the same way that I feel now. I know for a fact if Michael were here he would be telling that I need to put myself out there, that I need to make the effort. He's right, but it is just so hard when I have a hard time making the effort to get out of bed.

Michael is my best friend and he is gone. It didn't matter the situation, I could always tell him what was going on. It didn't matter if he was in Iraq and it was 3 am in the morning, I could write him and know that I would get a response from him. And the same went for him as well. He was my teammate in this game of life.

Accepting this and moving forward with my life is so difficult to do. I have truly forgotten to live without him.

pictures

There is something that is keeping me in bed this morning. For some reason I can't find the strength/motivation/reason.... whatever to get up. Even though I know I have so much to do today. I started looking at pictures of Michael. Like really old pictures. Mostly of high school. Some from the Marine Corps. And a few from just us. I'm looking at these pictures and I feel like I am going to throw up. There will never be another picture taken of Michael ever again.

They just reminded me even more that my husband is dead.


I don't think I am going to look at pictures for a while. It used to help.
Now it just hurts beyond belief.

monk monk

I have an introduction I need to make. I would like everyone to meet Monk Monk. I know this is stupid and maybe a little crazy... but Monk Monk was special to Michael and I. While Michael was deployed to Iraq in 2006, I made him to send to Michael. I didn't buy him in a store or anything, I actually cut, stuffed and sewed him all together. Yes I had directions and it all came in a kit, but I actually made him. Michael held onto him until we were married and living together in Oceanside. For the longest time, we had to hide him because Samara wanted to rip him to pieces.

So now since everything has happened, Monk Monk has come out of hiding. And yes even though I am 23, he is sort of like a security blanket for me. I will be bring him everywhere with me. Especially since I now have this itch to go and travel.

So everyone, meet Monk Monk... Monk Monk meet everyone...

our beach

Thursday May 13th, 2010

I have never really explained how important Fort Myers Beach was to us. We had our first date here. In January of 2005, Michael and I first started dating and the very first time we went out, he took me to Junk-a-noos on the Beach. We ate dinner, I was nervous as hell, and then we walked the beach all the way to the pier. Which was a really long walk. But we had so much to talk about. He was just out of boot camp and he was home on leave after MCT school. He talked mostly about boot camp and how it was. We walked for what seemed like minutes, but they really were hours, just talking and smoking cigarettes. It was pitch black outside but I felt completely safe outside. Once we got to the pier, we walked out over the ocean and we looked at the stars. He had his hand placed on the small of my back and we just stood there. He was a gentlemen and didn’t even try to kiss me.

Every time we had to the chance we would escape to the beach. We got married on that beach. We wanted to retire on that beach. Become those super tan old people who literally look like old leather.

All I know is that this is our beach. No one can take that away from us.

i do

Written on Wednesday May 12th, 2010


Today is the three year anniversary of our marriage to each other. Three years ago today we committed to love and to honor each other until the end of time. Three years ago I made the best decision I have ever made. If anyone were to ask me if I could change it all and start over, would I? The answer would be no. Even if I knew I was going to lose Michael in the end, I would not change any bit of it. Michael taught me what it was like to love unconditionally. That no matter what happened, our love for each other would always hold true and strong. Even during the time where our marriage was strained and we weren’t sure if we would make it, it was our love that held the pieces together. I would not change a thing. Our love has only grown. I am so very much in love with him and I would not change something that has given me and shown me so much love.

So today I decided to go outside, sit in a beach chair and continue to read my book (Eat, Pray, Love - which is so unbelievably amazing). About 15 minutes after I first sat down, I realized that I was completely alone. Everyone must have ventured back inside to get ready for dinner. It was at that time that I looked at the sun and realized that I have felt this sun before. I started to get knots in my stomach when I realized that three years ago, on this same beach, we were all arriving for us to get married. I was the last to arrive. I remember looking over at Michael in the other car and realizing that no matter how much I looked at him, he wouldn’t look back at me (granted, the windows were tinted and I am sure he wouldn’t have noticed that I was even looking at him). I suppose he didn’t want to risk that superstition that say “if you see your bride before you get married on your wedding day, you’ll be cursed with an unlucky marriage”. I remember the nervous jittery feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach. I almost felt like I was going to throw up. I wasn’t unsure of what I was doing, I was just so anxious for my life to begin, I knew then that my life was going to be forever changed. I remember my dad asking me before he walked me down the sand isle if I was sure this was what I wanted, because if I wasn’t, he had a credit card and he could get me on the next plane to Mexico. I remember that when we were reciting our vows to each other, we both stumbled on the same word. I remember crying when the officiant recited the 1 Corinthians verse 13, love is patient love is kind.

I can only imagine what it would be like with Michael here with me today. Maybe we would be sitting on the beach somewhere in San Diego with a bottle of wine and a packed dinner. Just sitting there watching the the sun as it vanishes beneath the horizon and marvel as the stars and the moon take their place in the sky. I wonder what sorts of things we would talk about. We would probably still be giddy as hell about him getting into the Marine Corps Officer program. Maybe we would be talking about college and what sorts of classes he would want to take. Maybe talking about baby names and possibly talking about when it would be an appropriate time for us to renew our vows. But I can only imagine. I can only make those pretend conversations happen in my head. It makes me so incredibly sad to know that our marriage really, can only go on if I make it continue to go on.

It's kind of like how I wear Michael's wedding ring. Michael never ever took his ring off. Even when he went to Iraq, he never took it off. Most husbands when they go over there, they will take off their ring so it doesn't get damaged. Michael, I guess, never took it off because he didn't want to be without it. If something were to have happened, he would want to be wearing his wedding ring. Well after the accident, I got a bag out his belongings that he had on him at the time of the accident. His cell phone, dog tags, his watch, chevrons, wallet, and his ring. My brain wasn't working then and I didn't even think to have them put his ring back on. Michael never took his ring off himself, so why should this be any different? If he had a say in it, I think he would ask to keep it on. But there is nothing I can do about that now. I have it. I always wear it. It actually fits on my index finger so I wear it on the same hand that I still wear my own wedding rings. I can't bear to be without them. So since Michael can no longer wear his ring everyday, I am here to carry that on for him. Just like I am still here to carry on our marriage.


After all of the imagining, some of my family came over to go out to dinner. My mom, father-in-law, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law all came over to go out with me. It really meant so much to have them all there with me. I have been blessed with an amazing family to be there for me as a crutch when I have really needed it. I may not show it all the time; I tend to act a little too tough on the outside. I tend not to show any of my suffering. But my family has only been there for me, even when I don’t ask them, or tell them I need them.

fears

One of my biggest fears since the beginning of this journey has been my memory of Michael slowly fading. I am so afraid that I will forget him. I am afraid that as new memories form the memories of Michael will slowly get pushed out. Just like the memories of high school are much more distant than the ones of college. I don't want Michael to go anywhere. I have been wanting to write all of the memories that I have of him down, but I just can't. For some reason is to too painful to remember each detail and relive it knowing that I will never feel that way again. But at the same time, I know its necessary.

I know for a fact that there are definitely memories that will never fade. For example, the first time we kissed and the way his lips felt against mine. It was completely different and I knew for some reason I wouldn't kiss anyone else. The look on his face when he came to pick me up from the airport in San Diego for my first visit out to see him. How it felt the first night I fell asleep in his arms. The emense pain I felt when I had to say "see you later" before he left for his first deployment. The horrific anticipation I felt the night he was coming home and the huge relief I felt when I saw his huge smile walking towards me and finally having him in my arms again for the first time in a year. The look in his eyes when he asked me to marry him.


I'm sorry I can't write everything that I wanted to write.

While living in San Diego, we always would complain that San Diego never had any really good thunderstorms. With both of us being from Florida, thunderstorms were something we were so used to. We always wanted thunderstorms to happen because of the atmosphere that accompanied them. Well this morning I went through my first thunderstorm since I have been back in Florida. The sky was consistently lighting up and there was no chance that I could fall back asleep. I admit that I was a little scared too. I couldn't help but to think how things would be different if Michael was actually here with me. I can only assume that he would be awake too and we would just lay in bed cuddling until the storm slowed down. I know that nothing will ever be the same.

While I was laying there listening to my house take the abuse of the storm, I was thinking about a picture frame I bought not too long ago. It has a quote: "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain". To me this is very similar to the one "When life gives you lemons... make lemonade". When times get tough, learn to make the most out of it because no matter what life goes on. I don't know if I can learn to dance in this storm of my life. How to I go on with my life when he is not here to hold my hand the whole way through? I admit, lately I have just let life pass me by. I don't want to do anything. I only want my Michael.

Last night in our apartment

Well it has been almost 10 days since my last post. I haven't had much to say. This past week has been a tough week for me. I flew back to San Diego on the 14th to finish things up here and close this chapter in my life. This is another one of those situations where I just do not want to let go. Where I am digging my nails in trying to resist the inevitable. Coming here means that the apartment, the home, Michael and I shared together will be no more. The place where our last kiss occurred will be packed up and some other young couple or family will move in here. We got very lucky with our apartment. The size, the amenities, the location is absolutely amazing for the cost of rent. But what is even more priceless is the friends we met here. The memories that were made. The tears we shed and the laughs we shared here. This apartment is one of the last things, besides my love and memories, that I shared with Michael and will be boxed up and shipped to Florida tomorrow. I have secretly broken down a few times today, know that this is my last full day here. The last minute running around and packing my things has taken my mind off of it for a while, but it still does not lessen the dread. I feel sick to my stomach almost every day. Just knowing that my life from here on out is nothing like what Michael and I had planned for.

One of Michael's hobbies was his salt water aquarium. Ever since I realized that I was moving I have been dumbfounded as to what the heck am I going to with the fish when it came to moving. My only option until now was to give the fishies back to the fish store that we bought everything from. I was hoping they would be nice enough to maybe send them to me once I had the aquarium all set up back in Florida. However, it could be over a month from now. I am not sure how long it is going to be until I get my stuff and it takes about a month to fully set up a salt water aquarium before you can put fishies in there. Soo anyway, the conclusion of my story is, I asked our next door neighbors and really good friends if they would like to keep the fish tank. They gladly accepted. I don't know who wouldn't. I am happy I came to that conclusion because 1, I was getting stressed over what I am I going to do with them and 2, I know they are going to a good home. Michael worked hard to put this tank together and it would be a shame to just watch it go down the drain, literally.

Well the clock is about to hit 11 pm. There are still other things I need to go before I head to bed and finish my last day here in our apartment. I went around the place, taking pictures of every room, everything that was Michael and I in this apartment. I focused a lot on the kitchen and living room, mainly because that's where we spent a lot of our time. I miss him so much. I miss him more and more each day. I love you so much Michael. No one will ever take your place.

memory

I remember the first you ever told me "I love you". It was the first time we dated, back when I was a senior and you were a little PFC :). You were home on recruiter's assistant leave in between MCT and MOS school. We went out one night, I cannot remember what it is that we did but all I remember is you dropping me off at my house. It was the house my mom and I lived in that was near our high school. We pulled up in the drive away and we said our goodbyes. I got out of the car and started walking towards the front door. You already had the window rolled down. That was how you drove, no matter the temperature outside. Before pulling away you lended out the window and said "Hey, I love you". I think you were nervous and surprised that you actually said it. We were only dating for maybe a week. I turned around, in shock, because I secretly felt the same way. I asked you if you were serious, you said that you were pretty sure you were. I leaned over to you through the window and kissed you and told you that I loved you too. I think I may have the exact date written in an old school planner. I would always write down the important events that happened while we dated. I miss you so much Michael. You brought so much joy and happiness in my life. I am confident that you will continue to do so from heaven. I promise I will love you for all eternity. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you Michael.

2010

So midnight came and went. I tried to act as if it were any normal midnight, nothing special. I gritted my teeth the entire way through it because I did not want to go into a new year without Michael with me. I do not want to leave him behind in 2009. I hate the fact that I have to live my life without him here with me. I guess at the same time though, I should not be so resistant because I will always have Michael with me. He will always be in my heart and no one can take that away from me. It's just the physical being of Michael, the time passing since the last time I had him in my arms. It has almost been 2 months since the accident and I feel like I am digging my nails into the ground. I don't want time to pass I want to hold onto Michael and I do not want to let go. I don't want to grow away from him. I want to be the same Allison that I was when I was with him. It's inevitable, time will go on, I as a person, will grow and I will come out on the other side of this.

I did have a good time last night though. I am back in Florida now so my mom and I spent time together, we went out to eat at her favorite sushi place, Toyko Bay. Then we went over to Michael's parent's house and we went across the street to the neighbor's. There was nothing but old people there but it was a good time. I drink and ate some good Jewish food (Eddie and Marylyn are Jewish). I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. I am actually quite good at that, I just act goofy. I try to silence my pain; I have always been the suffer-in-silence type anyhow. I did not tell anyone "happy new year" though. I couldn't. For me, it's not happy. 2009 was the best and worst year of my life. Michael was FINALLY home! We did not have to worry about any upcoming deployments, nothing. Our marriage was finally perfect, the way we wanted it. We were establishing our family with the cat and dogs. We were trying to build up our future. We were on the right track. That's why I always say "the sky was the limit for us", corny I know, but it was true. It was the happiest I had been in my entire life and I am confident to say that Michael felt the same as well. I am just so sad/hurt/angry that it ended so quickly. The last two months have been the worst two months of my life. And I am sure I wouldn't be wrong if I added more to it as time goes on.

Anyway, we went to church today. I feel so amazing when I go to church. I have never felt such a strong, good feeling before in church as I do now. I would always go through the motions and never actually commit myself to God, until now. I figured that if my husband has to be gone, then I need to believe that he is in a better place and that when it is my time to go, I better be going where Michael is. I need to know that one day, I will be with my husband again.

With that being said, I have made a few new years promises (not resolutions, because I can never commit to those), one being that I am going to finally have my first communion and get confirmed and commit my life to god. The second promise is that I am going to start running. Michael always wanted me to run with him and I never could. One day, I want to run in marathons in his name. I know he would be proud if I did that. The third promise is that I am going to put myself first. I am going to take care of me. Selfish, I know, but after going through something like this, I deserve it.

Anyway, back to today. After church we went to breakfast/lunch at First Watch. Then we went to visit Michael. His engraving on his spot looks amazing. I took pictures of it and I will post them as soon as I download the pictures. The engraving only needs one more thing, the Marine Corps emblem. Which I accidentally forgot in the last proofing of the engraving. It looks absolutely beautiful. It is always a reality check when I see his name on there. I go through out the day knowing that he is gone. But I guess I don't actually realize it because when I see his name on anything like that, ugh it feels so real and the pain sinks in and I turn into Allison's shell.

Well I hope everyone has a healthy new year.

I miss you Michael more than anything. Please keep watching over us. I love you till no end. Baby, no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.

Eulogy

At Michael's funeral, I got up and gave the eulogy. People ask me how I did it and I really don't know how to answer them. I just did. I really had no idea what is supposed to go into a eulogy, so I just talked about him and told everyone about the Michael that I am so in love with.

Here it is...

Michael Martins was born on August 24th, 1986 in Livingston New Jersey. He was born to a very beautiful and loving family. Gene and Maria Martins already had a son, Daniel, who is 4 years older than Michael. Shortly after the birth of Michael, the family welcomed a baby girl, Crystal, into their lives. At that time, their family was complete.

I remember hearing stories of their childhood, Dan and Michael riding bikes and some how, on more than one occasion, with the help of Dan, Michael managed to get hit by a car, no matter if it was moving or parked. Not once, but twice. The small family of 5 decided to move to Cape Coral Fl in 1993. They moved to the house that they have lived in ever since. Michael would tell me stories about how Dan did not want to hang out with his younger brother, so he resorted to playing kitchen with Crystal in the back yard. From what Maria and Gene, and pretty much everyone else who was close to him explained to me how Michael knew how to pitch a fit, be independent, and he certainly knew how to be completely stubborn.

When it came to high school, Michael followed his brother Dan over to Mariner High School. He also followed his bother and played the tuba in both concert band and marching band.

I met Michael when I was 14 years old. I lived down the street from Michael for about a year before we even knew each other. I didn’t meet my neighbor until summer band practices in 2001. Our parents coordinated times to pick up and drop us off for school, mandatory band practices, competitions, and football games. Michael would always try to flirt with me. Which would consist of poking me in the side or awkwardly trying to tickle me. This, obviously prevented me from perusing things with Michael for the majority of our high school experience. Ever since Michael and I got together, almost every time I see Maria, she tells me the story how she kept asking Michael to go and ask me out, he always said no. He would shyly claim that we are just friends.

During high school, Michael obviously was the class clown. It would not be surprising if you saw him running around the band room before competitions in boxers, goofing off with the tuba section, or committing inappropriate acts with his tuba. Michael was always a dedicated tuba player and would commit a lot of his free time to practicing and improving his tuba skills. Michael’s best friends, Stacey and Bryan were practically all attached, they all shared an obsession for Harry Potter. I remember, they even exchanged Harry Potter paraphernalia for one Christmas.

During Michael’s senior year, he was voted by his graduating class as having the “best smile” which we alllllll know is sooo true and sooo appropriate. He was also elected as tuba section leader. As a senior in high school, Michael made the decision to enlist in the United States Marine Corps. After graduating from high school, he went to Parris Island, South Carolina for Marine Corps Boot Camp in the summer of 2004.

While at boot camp he held a squad leader position for a portion of his time there. Every once in a while he would mention to me how much he missed boot camp and from time to time he would make fun of the DIs.
Michael then attended Marine Combat Training at Camp Lejune, North Carolina. After Michael graduated from MCT school, he came home for recruiter assistant leave. Right after Michael came home he decided to give my best friend Jamie and call to see what was going on... However, at that time, Jamie had a boyfriend, but I was completely single. Jamie immediately passed the phone over to me after she explained to him that I was available. The next day, Michael gave me a call and we decided to go on a date to “junk-a-noos” on the beach. It was such an awkward time for the both of us because we were SUCH good friends during high school and it just did not seem natural, but none the less we did have an amazing time. Our liking for each other grew, and before we both knew it, we fell in love. I still remember our first kiss together and I can still feel those butterflies flutter in my stomach. But we soon both realized that our relationship would not last because Michael had a career ahead of him and I was still in high school.

Michael attended the Marine Air Ground Task Force Training at the Navy and Marine Corps Training Center in Dam Neck, Virginia. The Marine Corps considers this MOS, or Marine Occupational School for the Intelligence field. Michael then met his brothers in arms, Stephen Otico and Travis Silvest. While Michael was on student status, Michael was meritoriously promoted to Lance Corporal on March 2nd, 2005. When Michael graduated from MOS school he graduated 12th in his class in May 2005. Upon graduating Michael, along with Otico, Silvest and Jack Britton, were assigned to Head Quarters Company 5th Marine Regiment in Camp Pendleton California.

So it was not until about 6 months after we broke things off, Michael and I started to talk again. He reconnected with me on a little website known as Myspace. After 1 day of e-mailing, we started communicating on the phone and we talked everyday for a month straight. During this time, Michael asked me if I would like to attend the Marine Corps Ball with him in Las Vegas NV in November of 2005. Obviously I said yes.

Three months later, in February of 2006, Michael was deployed to Camp Fallujah, Iraq. While there, Michael was sent to work with 1st Battalion 1st Marines to support their S-2 shop. During his deployment, Michael got promoted to the rank of Corporal. He was Corporal Michael Martins. He finally came home on January 31st, 2007, which is actually my birthday. Maria, Gene, Daniel, Crystal, and I all welcomed him only on a rainy morning. On that particular day, I found out that I got accepted to San Diego State University in California. This information changed my life.

Shortly after his return to the United States, Michael came home to visit his family and I. ::MENTION STORY OF HOW HE WAS TOO AFRAID TO ASK DAD TO MARRY ME:: Michael finally mustered up the courage to propose to me on March 18th, 2007.

Michael and I said our beloved “I do’s” to each other on May 12th, 2007. We had a perfect and beautiful ceremony on Fort Myers Beach in the presence of our parents and siblings. Even though it was not exactly the wedding that either one of us hoped or dreamed for, it ended up being everything and more. it was the best day of both of our lives. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life.

One short month later, I made the cross country trip from Florida to San Diego California to be with my new husband. Married life came so easy and natural to us. Michael would work during the week and I started up my education in hopes to one day to become a nurse.

During this time Michael became friends with Robert Greenwood, Daryl Mullins, and his best friend Trey Stewart. Those three were constantly at our house and they quickly became family.

Unfortunately, in January of 2008, my family, Michael, Travis, Stephen, Jack, Robert, Daryl, and Trey all got deployed to Al Asad Iraq. During this particular tour Michael bounced around Iraq helping out other units and battalions in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. On October 1st, 2008, Michael made the choice to reenlist in the United States Marine Corps and promised to commit another four years to our country. Michael finally got on a plane December 6th, 2008 and arrived home 2 days later.

On January 1st, 2009 Michael was finally promoted and he gave me the honors of pinning on his new rank of Sergeant. While trying to adjust to our lives of living together again, Michael and I made a permanent change of duty station to Miramar California, which is still in San Diego. Michael was assigned to Head Quarters Squadron, Marine Aircraft Group 11. Around the same time, we adopted our goober of a pup, Koby. More recently, in July we adopted our lovable baby pit bull, Milo.

Over the last year, Michael had been constantly working on his package to the Marine Enlisted Commissioning Education Program, which would allow him to go to college and upon graduation, be commissioned as a Marine Corps Officer. We both decided that this would be the best decision to ensure us of the best life possible.

Michael and I hoped to one day have children, we even coordinated with Daniel and his beautiful wife AnnMarie to have a soccer team of children. We wanted to travel and see the world. We hoped to purchase and own our own house, and maybe even one day a BMW to park inside the garage. We were on top of the word and for us, the sky was the limit.

Just over a week ago, you cooked me dinner. Just over a week ago you were contemplating if it was a good idea to rent or buy a house. Just over a week ago you were taking the pups out and nagged me about what time I would be out of class. Just over a week ago you bugged me about the laundry, and a apologized about the amount of time I spent at work and school. Just over a week ago you told me you loved me and kiss me good bye.

If I have learned anything from this horrible horrible situation its just how much you really loved me, how much you have touched everyone in your life, and just how much you will be missed Michael Martins. I love you forever and infinity my Tayte!!!!


There is a part in there, the second to last paragragh that I could not read. I would not have been able to make it to the end, so I just skipped to the last paragragh.

I love you Michael.