Has it come to that point?
Where people don't want to talk about Michael anymore?
When the only time his name is spoken is then it comes out of my mouth.
And when I do say his name or tell a story, it's quickly passed over with other conversation.
That point when I feel guilty for bringing up his name and making others feel uncomfortable.
Has Michael become that taboo subject that no one can bear to talk about anymore?
Or if he is talked about, it's done so in a hushed manor.
Has it come to that time when people question me for being in a bad mood?
When people start talking to me about making the most out of life. That life is too short not to be happy.
Where I feel like I have to put on a facade when I am around others, just so I'm not questioned.
That point when it's not even worth interacting with other humans because the only thing I want to do is scream "I'M A WIDOW AND YOU ARE STUPID!"
And when people start telling me about how horrible their life is.
It is that time.
I feel like there is this internal battle going on.
I feel like my heart is breaking even more.
One of my biggest fears is slowly coming true.
I have never wanted Michael to get pushed in the shadows and I feel like that's exactly what's happening.
Showing posts with label soulmates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label soulmates. Show all posts
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Well I haven't written in 10 days. I don't really have much to write about I guess. Usually, before I write on here, I have a burning itch to write something. It's almost like I feel like I am going to be sick. That some way, if I don't get it out I am going to end up vomiting all over myself... or someone else. But if I can get to my computer when I have this stirring idea, I can successfully vomit in a toilet. :) Thank you blog for being my toilet.
I don't know where I am at right now. I haven't really cried in a few days. I cried over the weekend here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, those times that I cried was more like tearing up compared to the way I cry when I am alone. I feel like I am going back into that numbness again. That horrible fog that widows who are further out describe with a hint of annoyance. It really sucks not being able to feel anything. It's frustrating. I hate it.
However, this time is a little different. I do tend to get those breakthrough moments when I feel it. Where it hits me like a cannon ball. My blood catches on fire and I can't breathe. Michael is dead. I am not sure what triggers it, but it is happening more frequently. I wish it wouldn't happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want this to be real.
Lately, I have been trying to remember a lot of the things I have forgotten in the beginning. My brain shut down, allowed my body to go through the motions, it cushioned me from feeling the full amount of pain one should feel after losing their spouse. I don't remember much of anything. I remember bits and pieces but not the full picture. I don't understand my intense curiosity as to what all happened during the first few months after Michael was killed. But I want to know them. I need to know. So if you know anything... please describe in a comment.
Well that is all I have for now. If I feel the need to vomit, I know where to come to.
I don't know where I am at right now. I haven't really cried in a few days. I cried over the weekend here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, those times that I cried was more like tearing up compared to the way I cry when I am alone. I feel like I am going back into that numbness again. That horrible fog that widows who are further out describe with a hint of annoyance. It really sucks not being able to feel anything. It's frustrating. I hate it.
However, this time is a little different. I do tend to get those breakthrough moments when I feel it. Where it hits me like a cannon ball. My blood catches on fire and I can't breathe. Michael is dead. I am not sure what triggers it, but it is happening more frequently. I wish it wouldn't happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want this to be real.
Lately, I have been trying to remember a lot of the things I have forgotten in the beginning. My brain shut down, allowed my body to go through the motions, it cushioned me from feeling the full amount of pain one should feel after losing their spouse. I don't remember much of anything. I remember bits and pieces but not the full picture. I don't understand my intense curiosity as to what all happened during the first few months after Michael was killed. But I want to know them. I need to know. So if you know anything... please describe in a comment.
Well that is all I have for now. If I feel the need to vomit, I know where to come to.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
projects
So today I took a break from my etsy stuff. There have been a few projects that I have started for my house but I have put on the back burner due to starting up my etsy business. I have plans for every wall in my house. It's just a matter of finding the motivation/time/means to actually go through with what I have planned.
For starters, I found one of those awesome vinyl wall quotes at a craft store. The quote says it all! I also found this picture frame set on sale at Kohls. When I laid my eyes on it, I knew I had to have it! It was the last one left so I really lucked out. I already knew I wanted to do something like this for this particular wall. It's the first wall you look at when you walk into my house. I always wanted to have a wall dedicated to our photo shoot that we had in Balboa Park in San Diego. I really love how it turned out.
The next project I finished I actually thought of doing today. I have a 4th room in my house that can either be another bedroom or an office/den. When I first saw the house, even before I decided on buying it, I said that this room was going to be a "Michael room". I plan on making this room an area that I can display our achievements. I always wanted to do this to our office in our apartment, but I held off on doing anything because we planned on either renting or buying a house soon and I didn't want to put a bunch of holes in the wall if we were going to move soon.
Anyway, back to the "Michael room"... I was inspired when I was in the Lee County Tax Collector's office changing the title of our cars into my name, changing the address on my license, and to get new tags for the cars. I wanted to get a gold star tag and a Marine Corps tag. It was a struggle for me to get the gold star tag. They didn't want to give it to be because Michael did not die while he was in a war zone. However, technically he did die in the line of duty. Which at that point, you are considered a "gold star family". A lot of people mistake this title only being reserved for families who have someone die in combat. I don't take well to being discriminated because of how Michael died. It's the same result. He still came home in a coffin. He still had a funeral will full military honorers. He still fought for our country. Just because some old man took his life and not a terrorist shouldn't put me in a different arena separated from other Military Widows. I argued my point, the lady helping me agreed with me but she still needed to speak with two managers and call the state twice, just to verify. I proudly walked out of that office with a gold star tag in my hands. :)
ANYWAY... sorry for my rant... While I was sitting in the office, I was thinking of what I could do with the old tags. I always considered it an accomplishment for us to own two cars, FULLY paid off by the time we were 20. Not many 20 year olds can say the same. So after I left the tax collector's office, I went to a craft store and got a shadow box and two picture frames.... and this is the finished product....
The both of the pictures were taken after we got the cars. The one on the top, we bought just before we were married. We used it as our wedding "get away" car. :) The bottom picture was Michael right after we bought the Maxima. He was so proud of that car. He used the money he earned from his first deployment the purchase it.
If you know me, you know that I don't like to throw anything of Michael's out. I get anxiety when I think of throwing anything out. I'm not sure why but I do. As you can see I haven't done much with this room and it is a bit of a mess.
The last project I did today was one that I had already started in my room. I was inspired by Carrie Bradshaw's room in the first Sex In The City movie after she revamped her room.
I love all of the different picture frames over her bed and I wanted to do something like that in my room. It's not exactly the same. I decided to use all different shapes and sizes of picture frames. I am happy with the way this is turned out. I am not close to being done though. I would like to cover this whole wall with pictures. :) Here is the progress so far...
The more and more I decorate my house, I feel more and more in love with it. At first, I kind of felt like buying this house was a mistake. I kind of felt like I rushed into it. I mean this house was the SECOND house I looked at. I just kept remembering the feeling I felt when I first walked into the house. I knew that Michael would love it and I felt him the most in this house. So I went with my gut. And now, finally after 4 months of owning this hunk of concrete, I am starting to love it.
For starters, I found one of those awesome vinyl wall quotes at a craft store. The quote says it all! I also found this picture frame set on sale at Kohls. When I laid my eyes on it, I knew I had to have it! It was the last one left so I really lucked out. I already knew I wanted to do something like this for this particular wall. It's the first wall you look at when you walk into my house. I always wanted to have a wall dedicated to our photo shoot that we had in Balboa Park in San Diego. I really love how it turned out.
The next project I finished I actually thought of doing today. I have a 4th room in my house that can either be another bedroom or an office/den. When I first saw the house, even before I decided on buying it, I said that this room was going to be a "Michael room". I plan on making this room an area that I can display our achievements. I always wanted to do this to our office in our apartment, but I held off on doing anything because we planned on either renting or buying a house soon and I didn't want to put a bunch of holes in the wall if we were going to move soon.
Anyway, back to the "Michael room"... I was inspired when I was in the Lee County Tax Collector's office changing the title of our cars into my name, changing the address on my license, and to get new tags for the cars. I wanted to get a gold star tag and a Marine Corps tag. It was a struggle for me to get the gold star tag. They didn't want to give it to be because Michael did not die while he was in a war zone. However, technically he did die in the line of duty. Which at that point, you are considered a "gold star family". A lot of people mistake this title only being reserved for families who have someone die in combat. I don't take well to being discriminated because of how Michael died. It's the same result. He still came home in a coffin. He still had a funeral will full military honorers. He still fought for our country. Just because some old man took his life and not a terrorist shouldn't put me in a different arena separated from other Military Widows. I argued my point, the lady helping me agreed with me but she still needed to speak with two managers and call the state twice, just to verify. I proudly walked out of that office with a gold star tag in my hands. :)
ANYWAY... sorry for my rant... While I was sitting in the office, I was thinking of what I could do with the old tags. I always considered it an accomplishment for us to own two cars, FULLY paid off by the time we were 20. Not many 20 year olds can say the same. So after I left the tax collector's office, I went to a craft store and got a shadow box and two picture frames.... and this is the finished product....
The both of the pictures were taken after we got the cars. The one on the top, we bought just before we were married. We used it as our wedding "get away" car. :) The bottom picture was Michael right after we bought the Maxima. He was so proud of that car. He used the money he earned from his first deployment the purchase it.
If you know me, you know that I don't like to throw anything of Michael's out. I get anxiety when I think of throwing anything out. I'm not sure why but I do. As you can see I haven't done much with this room and it is a bit of a mess.
The last project I did today was one that I had already started in my room. I was inspired by Carrie Bradshaw's room in the first Sex In The City movie after she revamped her room.
I love all of the different picture frames over her bed and I wanted to do something like that in my room. It's not exactly the same. I decided to use all different shapes and sizes of picture frames. I am happy with the way this is turned out. I am not close to being done though. I would like to cover this whole wall with pictures. :) Here is the progress so far...
The more and more I decorate my house, I feel more and more in love with it. At first, I kind of felt like buying this house was a mistake. I kind of felt like I rushed into it. I mean this house was the SECOND house I looked at. I just kept remembering the feeling I felt when I first walked into the house. I knew that Michael would love it and I felt him the most in this house. So I went with my gut. And now, finally after 4 months of owning this hunk of concrete, I am starting to love it.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
today
Today I decided to stay home. For the most part.
My in-laws and sister-in-law went down to Key West for the day. There is an express boat that will take you from Fort Myers beach to a dock at Key West all under 4 hours. It's a pretty cool deal too. You can make it a one day trip or you can stay for as long as you want. I was asked to come along. But I couldn't.
Last year in April Michael and I took that same boat down to Key West for our "unofficial honeymoon". We never had a honeymoon and this was our first trip alone - no family, just us, spending much needed alone and relaxation time together. When we went, we had an amazing time! No fighting no spats. Nothing. Just pure fun and bliss. The only time there was a bump in the road was when we realized how much money we really spent. Key West is insanely expensive! We went snorkeling along the coral reef. We went on a sunset cruise on a catamaran. We rented bicycles, mopeds, and an electric cart. We went to the beach. Museums. Shopping. Ate a lot of food. And of course we drank! The trip was a success for us! There is nothing but good memories that we left behind there.
I loved that trip so much that a lot of the time, when I think about going back there or if Key West is really brought up at all, I get knots in my stomach. It gets harder to breathe and I want to cry.
So when I was asked to go back there, at first, I wanted to go. I didn't really think much about it, I just wanted to be with my family. But when it set in, there I would be returning there with with a huge chunk missing, I couldn't do it. I got bad anxiety and I freaked out. It was much too soon to go there again.
So today I stayed behind. I didn't want to go the whole day without seeing my Father-in-law though. So I decided to bake muffins the night before so that I could bring them all breakfast in the morning to take on their boat trip. Afterward, I stopped at Starbucks to get my usual - Skinny Vanilla Latte :) I had Koby with me as well. I decided to take him to the cemetery to visit Michael. I took Milo there once, but never took Koby. We stayed there for a little while. But since Florida is the devil's sauna, we didn't stay long. But apparently, my car wanted us to stay longer because it died! I just laughed because now! Now is when my car decides to crap out!? When no one is home to help a girl out! My mom was still on her vacation and Michael's family just left on a boat! It was all good because I called AAA and it was only my battery that bit the dust.
Other than that, nothing really happened today. I spent most of it working on my stuff for my etsy store. I like doing that sort of stuff. It's not hard at all and I am surprised that I don't see more of it on etsy. I think I like it and I continue to do it so much because it keeps my mind off things.
My in-laws and sister-in-law went down to Key West for the day. There is an express boat that will take you from Fort Myers beach to a dock at Key West all under 4 hours. It's a pretty cool deal too. You can make it a one day trip or you can stay for as long as you want. I was asked to come along. But I couldn't.
Last year in April Michael and I took that same boat down to Key West for our "unofficial honeymoon". We never had a honeymoon and this was our first trip alone - no family, just us, spending much needed alone and relaxation time together. When we went, we had an amazing time! No fighting no spats. Nothing. Just pure fun and bliss. The only time there was a bump in the road was when we realized how much money we really spent. Key West is insanely expensive! We went snorkeling along the coral reef. We went on a sunset cruise on a catamaran. We rented bicycles, mopeds, and an electric cart. We went to the beach. Museums. Shopping. Ate a lot of food. And of course we drank! The trip was a success for us! There is nothing but good memories that we left behind there.I loved that trip so much that a lot of the time, when I think about going back there or if Key West is really brought up at all, I get knots in my stomach. It gets harder to breathe and I want to cry.
So when I was asked to go back there, at first, I wanted to go. I didn't really think much about it, I just wanted to be with my family. But when it set in, there I would be returning there with with a huge chunk missing, I couldn't do it. I got bad anxiety and I freaked out. It was much too soon to go there again.
So today I stayed behind. I didn't want to go the whole day without seeing my Father-in-law though. So I decided to bake muffins the night before so that I could bring them all breakfast in the morning to take on their boat trip. Afterward, I stopped at Starbucks to get my usual - Skinny Vanilla Latte :) I had Koby with me as well. I decided to take him to the cemetery to visit Michael. I took Milo there once, but never took Koby. We stayed there for a little while. But since Florida is the devil's sauna, we didn't stay long. But apparently, my car wanted us to stay longer because it died! I just laughed because now! Now is when my car decides to crap out!? When no one is home to help a girl out! My mom was still on her vacation and Michael's family just left on a boat! It was all good because I called AAA and it was only my battery that bit the dust.Other than that, nothing really happened today. I spent most of it working on my stuff for my etsy store. I like doing that sort of stuff. It's not hard at all and I am surprised that I don't see more of it on etsy. I think I like it and I continue to do it so much because it keeps my mind off things.
Friday, June 18, 2010
silver lining
"Every cloud has its silver lining"
And in my case, it's like a category 6.5 hurricane worth of clouds. Nevertheless there are some silver linings that I feel I need to recognize on here. I guess you can say, I am counting my blessings.
First and foremost,
)
My parents. They have provided me an endless amount of love and support and for that, I am forever grateful!
My in-laws - my relationship has grown so much since all of this has happened. I love them both dearly.
And last and most definitely not least...
I miss you so very much.
Monday, June 14, 2010
vent
Today I feel like I hate everything.
I hate facebook. I hate seeing every one's perfect lives. I hate seeing people's status updates and pictures and their happy lives. I hate it. I hate seeing people bragging about their husbands and them doing nice things. No one cares. Do people really get off on expressing to others how "perfect" their lives are?! You aren't making any one's life any better, you're not benefiting anyone by bragging about your wonderful life. I can only assume that you are doing it to make yourself feel better. I would really love to delete my facebook. But if I do that, I am sure I will be getting phone calls from everyone under the sun checking to see if I am still alive. Unfortunately, it's my connection to the outside world, my connection to the friends that I do have.
I hate that I am alone. I don't mind no one being around. I mind that Michael isn't here anymore. I just want my husband home! I would never wish this on anyone at all. I still cannot believe that this is my life now. I'm a widow. I still have a hard time believing it. I know I am still in denial. I bounce back to denial all the time. I hate that I know I need to go to therapy. I tired to make it seem like I can handle this. The honest truth is that I can't. I don't know how. It seems like my life will forever be this black whole and I don't even know where to find the light at the end. Nor do I really want to find the light. I don't think I will ever want to get over Michael. I never want him to be something that I never talk about. I don't want him to be something that I will just eventually throw out.
At the same time though, I don't see how I will last much longer with my life being like this. Feeling the way I feel. Will I ever find a balance? Keeping Michael alive with me but being ok that he really isn't here anymore (does that sound crazy?). I just can't imagine feeling this pain for another 60 years, if I am to live for another 60 years.
I also can't imagine being with anyone else either. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is someone out there that is willing to understand me and where I come from. Maybe I will find that balance. But I don't see it. I will never see how being with another man will make me feel ok or make everything better. I knew at 18 years old that I wanted to be with Michael forever. I knew then that I was ready to settle down, get out of the dating game. I found my missing piece. How do you move on from losing the love of your life?
I'm sorry for the rant and the venting. I promise it will happen again. :)
I hate facebook. I hate seeing every one's perfect lives. I hate seeing people's status updates and pictures and their happy lives. I hate it. I hate seeing people bragging about their husbands and them doing nice things. No one cares. Do people really get off on expressing to others how "perfect" their lives are?! You aren't making any one's life any better, you're not benefiting anyone by bragging about your wonderful life. I can only assume that you are doing it to make yourself feel better. I would really love to delete my facebook. But if I do that, I am sure I will be getting phone calls from everyone under the sun checking to see if I am still alive. Unfortunately, it's my connection to the outside world, my connection to the friends that I do have.
I hate that I am alone. I don't mind no one being around. I mind that Michael isn't here anymore. I just want my husband home! I would never wish this on anyone at all. I still cannot believe that this is my life now. I'm a widow. I still have a hard time believing it. I know I am still in denial. I bounce back to denial all the time. I hate that I know I need to go to therapy. I tired to make it seem like I can handle this. The honest truth is that I can't. I don't know how. It seems like my life will forever be this black whole and I don't even know where to find the light at the end. Nor do I really want to find the light. I don't think I will ever want to get over Michael. I never want him to be something that I never talk about. I don't want him to be something that I will just eventually throw out.
At the same time though, I don't see how I will last much longer with my life being like this. Feeling the way I feel. Will I ever find a balance? Keeping Michael alive with me but being ok that he really isn't here anymore (does that sound crazy?). I just can't imagine feeling this pain for another 60 years, if I am to live for another 60 years.
I also can't imagine being with anyone else either. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is someone out there that is willing to understand me and where I come from. Maybe I will find that balance. But I don't see it. I will never see how being with another man will make me feel ok or make everything better. I knew at 18 years old that I wanted to be with Michael forever. I knew then that I was ready to settle down, get out of the dating game. I found my missing piece. How do you move on from losing the love of your life?
I'm sorry for the rant and the venting. I promise it will happen again. :)
Monday, June 7, 2010
i miss you
I miss the feeling I get with your arms around me.
I miss the way your lips fit perfectly together with mine.
I miss hearing you call me "Tayte"
I miss the way that you smelled after working all days in your camies.
I miss going to church with you.
I miss always holding your hand.
I miss watching you from our apartment playing with Koby and Milo.
I miss your obsessive ways about cleaning.
I miss being woken up everyday to you kissing me goodbye before work.
I miss get text messages from you.
I miss sending you care packages.
I miss goofing off with you, dancing in our kitchen, making weird noises at each other, talking in our weird voices.
I miss helping you on your MECEP package.
I miss the smile on your face when you would walk through the door after work.
I miss cooking with you.
I miss talking about the future with you.
I miss when we would get sentimental, and that look you would give me. It was like I could look into your eyes and see the depths of your soul and see us tangled together.
I even miss you playing video games for hours on end.
I miss fighting with you, because after the fight, there would always be a make-up.
I miss getting dressed up and going on dates with you.
I miss riding on the back of your motorcycle.
I miss your big ugly feet.
I miss how whenever we were together, we always had to be touching.
I miss taking showers with you.
I miss getting 1 am phone calls from Iraq.
I miss your emails.
I miss watching movies with you.
I miss EVERYTHING about you. I wish you could be home. I need you. I miss hearing you tell me you love me, because baby, I need to hear it now.
I still can't believe you are gone.
7 months and 1 day.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
graduation
I am currently in Kansas right now. I came here because my brother, Ryan, graduated from high school. I told myself that not matter what, I don't want to miss out of these sorts of things. I would regret it if I didn't come and I don't want to die with any regrets, no matter how small or big they are.
As I was sitting through the graduation ceremony, I was thinking how I graduated 5 years ago. Things were so very different then. I was so excited and nervous to start life after the familiarities of high school and move on to something that was new and not so comfortable. I never expected for my life to go the way it has. I never would have expected to fall in love with Michael again. At the time I was in love with someone else. I never expected that I would be married at 20 years old. I never expected I would move out to California. All the way across the country, away from my entire family. I never expected to transfer schools after I started college at FAU. And I really, never ever ever expected to be widowed at 22.
So many people from my graduating class has already graduated from college. People who have graduated after me, are graduating from college. I still have a year left to complete. And I am only getting my degree in psychology, which is so easy to do! I should have been done by now. So when I see that people I graduated with are now graduating from college, I admit that I feel sorry for myself. I can't help it. I so desperately wish that things were different.
Was our life too good to be true? Was everything happening too perfectly so God felt it necessary to take one of us out? Right after Michael was killed, I deeply questioned if there was even a God. Why would a God that is so kind and loving do this to a person. My faith in God has always been a shaky one. I know more about science, then I do about religion and believing in someone I cannot see. You can do experiments, you can see the reaction between two elements and see the exact thing your text book described. You can look at fossils and ancient artifacts. You can watch mutation and evolution take place by just observing fruit flies. But you can't see Noah's arch. You can't go and visit the tomb where Jesus was laid to rest. You can't watch as someone heals another by just touching them. You just have to believe. And that is so hard to do.
I have had a rocky path to believing in God. I have been told that I am going to hell for not going to church every Sunday. I have been judged. I have prayed and prayed for things to happen, and never got a result. I have had the love of my life taken away from me without any kind of explanation or answers to why. My life turned upside down. But for some reason I believe. I believe now more than ever. During a sermon at church, the pastor was saying when you have a hole, a wound in your very being, your soul, to let God in and he will bring joy to your life, he will mend what has been broken. So I have to listen and obey. I believe that Michael is in heaven. So I am going to do everything that I possibly can to get to him. I strongly believe that we will continue what we started. It isn't over.
I am not sure how this blog transformed from graduations to pass expectations to God and heaven but it did. Oh well.
As I was sitting through the graduation ceremony, I was thinking how I graduated 5 years ago. Things were so very different then. I was so excited and nervous to start life after the familiarities of high school and move on to something that was new and not so comfortable. I never expected for my life to go the way it has. I never would have expected to fall in love with Michael again. At the time I was in love with someone else. I never expected that I would be married at 20 years old. I never expected I would move out to California. All the way across the country, away from my entire family. I never expected to transfer schools after I started college at FAU. And I really, never ever ever expected to be widowed at 22.
So many people from my graduating class has already graduated from college. People who have graduated after me, are graduating from college. I still have a year left to complete. And I am only getting my degree in psychology, which is so easy to do! I should have been done by now. So when I see that people I graduated with are now graduating from college, I admit that I feel sorry for myself. I can't help it. I so desperately wish that things were different.
Was our life too good to be true? Was everything happening too perfectly so God felt it necessary to take one of us out? Right after Michael was killed, I deeply questioned if there was even a God. Why would a God that is so kind and loving do this to a person. My faith in God has always been a shaky one. I know more about science, then I do about religion and believing in someone I cannot see. You can do experiments, you can see the reaction between two elements and see the exact thing your text book described. You can look at fossils and ancient artifacts. You can watch mutation and evolution take place by just observing fruit flies. But you can't see Noah's arch. You can't go and visit the tomb where Jesus was laid to rest. You can't watch as someone heals another by just touching them. You just have to believe. And that is so hard to do.
I have had a rocky path to believing in God. I have been told that I am going to hell for not going to church every Sunday. I have been judged. I have prayed and prayed for things to happen, and never got a result. I have had the love of my life taken away from me without any kind of explanation or answers to why. My life turned upside down. But for some reason I believe. I believe now more than ever. During a sermon at church, the pastor was saying when you have a hole, a wound in your very being, your soul, to let God in and he will bring joy to your life, he will mend what has been broken. So I have to listen and obey. I believe that Michael is in heaven. So I am going to do everything that I possibly can to get to him. I strongly believe that we will continue what we started. It isn't over.
I am not sure how this blog transformed from graduations to pass expectations to God and heaven but it did. Oh well.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
pictures
There is something that is keeping me in bed this morning. For some reason I can't find the strength/motivation/reason.... whatever to get up. Even though I know I have so much to do today. I started looking at pictures of Michael. Like really old pictures. Mostly of high school. Some from the Marine Corps. And a few from just us. I'm looking at these pictures and I feel like I am going to throw up. There will never be another picture taken of Michael ever again.
They just reminded me even more that my husband is dead.
I don't think I am going to look at pictures for a while. It used to help.
Now it just hurts beyond belief.
They just reminded me even more that my husband is dead.
I don't think I am going to look at pictures for a while. It used to help.
Now it just hurts beyond belief.
Monday, May 17, 2010
dream
I had a dream last night. I have been dreaming a lot lately. It may have been because I was sleeping in a new location. I don't know, but when I am home, I tend not to dream, or if I do, I don't remember them really.
Anyway, I had a dream about Michael. In my dream I got a phone call from him. Like how I used to when he was in Iraq. When my phone rang I looked at it and it had a strange number. I normally don't pick up weird unknown numbers but I picked up this one. It was Michael. It felt like he was calling from Iraq but I knew he was gone. I knew that he was no longer here anymore. Heaven must have installed a bunch of satellite phone or something. But we talked. I don't remember the details of our conversation but I just remember us telling each other how much we loved one another and how much we missed each other. In my dream I was dancing around my room, like I used to when he would call from over there. I remember thinking to myself that I was the luckiest girl in the world - I was able to talk to my dead husband! I asked him if this would happen often or if it was just a rare treat to be able to hear from him. He said no, that it would happen often and the he was a tester or something to see how the phones worked and if they worked well enough then everyone would be using them soon. I didn't want to hang up with him but I knew he had to go. I was ok with hanging up because I knew he would call again.
Then I woke up. This dream makes me so happy but so sad at the same time. How can you be two emotions at the same time? I am happy that finally I had another dream about him. I have been waiting, begging, pleading to dream about him and finally I do! But I am so sad because when I woke up I felt like he was still here. Like he never really died. Like he was going to come back again. Then reality came crashing back down and I realized that there is no way that Michael will ever come back. Heaven doesn't just grant you a visitors pass to come back home. I don't want this to be it. I don't want it to be that 6 months ago was the last time I talked to him. And time will only go on. Soon it will be 7 months, then 10, and then a year! Soon it will be one whole year since I have spoken to my husband. I don't want this reality. I want to live in that dream forever because if he has to be dead, then I still want some way that I can just talk to him.
I hate my brain.
our beach
Thursday May 13th, 2010
I have never really explained how important Fort Myers Beach was to us. We had our first date here. In January of 2005, Michael and I first started dating and the very first time we went out, he took me to Junk-a-noos on the Beach. We ate dinner, I was nervous as hell, and then we walked the beach all the way to the pier. Which was a really long walk. But we had so much to talk about. He was just out of boot camp and he was home on leave after MCT school. He talked mostly about boot camp and how it was. We walked for what seemed like minutes, but they really were hours, just talking and smoking cigarettes. It was pitch black outside but I felt completely safe outside. Once we got to the pier, we walked out over the ocean and we looked at the stars. He had his hand placed on the small of my back and we just stood there. He was a gentlemen and didn’t even try to kiss me.
Every time we had to the chance we would escape to the beach. We got married on that beach. We wanted to retire on that beach. Become those super tan old people who literally look like old leather.
All I know is that this is our beach. No one can take that away from us.
I have never really explained how important Fort Myers Beach was to us. We had our first date here. In January of 2005, Michael and I first started dating and the very first time we went out, he took me to Junk-a-noos on the Beach. We ate dinner, I was nervous as hell, and then we walked the beach all the way to the pier. Which was a really long walk. But we had so much to talk about. He was just out of boot camp and he was home on leave after MCT school. He talked mostly about boot camp and how it was. We walked for what seemed like minutes, but they really were hours, just talking and smoking cigarettes. It was pitch black outside but I felt completely safe outside. Once we got to the pier, we walked out over the ocean and we looked at the stars. He had his hand placed on the small of my back and we just stood there. He was a gentlemen and didn’t even try to kiss me. Every time we had to the chance we would escape to the beach. We got married on that beach. We wanted to retire on that beach. Become those super tan old people who literally look like old leather.
All I know is that this is our beach. No one can take that away from us.
i do
Written on Wednesday May 12th, 2010
Today is the three year anniversary of our marriage to each other. Three years ago today we committed to love and to honor each other until the end of time. Three years ago I made the best decision I have ever made. If anyone were to ask me if I could change it all and start over, would I? The answer would be no. Even if I knew I was going to lose Michael in the end, I would not change any bit of it. Michael taught me what it was like to love unconditionally. That no matter what happened, our love for each other would always hold true and strong. Even during the time where our marriage was strained and we weren’t sure if we would make it, it was our love that held the pieces together. I would not change a thing. Our love has only grown. I am so very much in love with him and I would not change something that has given me and shown me so much love.
So today I decided to go outside, sit in a beach chair and continue to read my book (Eat, Pray, Love - which is so unbelievably amazing). About 15 minutes after I first sat down, I realized that I was completely alone. Everyone must have ventured back inside to get ready for dinner. It was at that time that I looked at the sun and realized that I have felt this sun before. I started to get knots in my stomach when I realized that three years ago, on this same beach, we were all arriving for us to get married. I was the last to arrive. I remember looking over at Michael in the other car and realizing that no matter how much I looked at him, he wouldn’t look back at me (granted, the windows were tinted and I am sure he wouldn’t have noticed that I was even looking at him). I suppose he didn’t want to risk that superstition that say “if you see your bride before you get married on your wedding day, you’ll be cursed with an unlucky marriage”. I remember the nervous jittery feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach. I almost felt like I was going to throw up. I wasn’t unsure of what I was doing, I was just so anxious for my life to begin, I knew then that my life was going to be forever changed. I remember my dad asking me before he walked me down the sand isle if I was sure this was what I wanted, because if I wasn’t, he had a credit card and he could get me on the next plane to Mexico. I remember that when we were reciting our vows to each other, we both stumbled on the same word. I remember crying when the officiant recited the 1 Corinthians verse 13, love is patient love is kind.
I can only imagine what it would be like with Michael here with me today. Maybe we would be sitting on the beach somewhere in San Diego with a bottle of wine and a packed dinner. Just sitting there watching the the sun as it vanishes beneath the horizon and marvel as the stars and the moon take their place in the sky. I wonder what sorts of things we would talk about. We would probably still be giddy as hell about him getting into the Marine Corps Officer program. Maybe we would be talking about college and what sorts of classes he would want to take. Maybe talking about baby names and possibly talking about when it would be an appropriate time for us to renew our vows. But I can only imagine. I can only make those pretend conversations happen in my head. It makes me so incredibly sad to know that our marriage really, can only go on if I make it continue to go on.
It's kind of like how I wear Michael's wedding ring. Michael never ever took his ring off. Even when he went to Iraq, he never took it off. Most husbands when they go over there, they will take off their ring so it doesn't get damaged. Michael, I guess, never took it off because he didn't want to be without it. If something were to have happened, he would want to be wearing his wedding ring. Well after the accident, I got a bag out his belongings that he had on him at the time of the accident. His cell phone, dog tags, his watch, chevrons, wallet, and his ring. My brain wasn't working then and I didn't even think to have them put his ring back on. Michael never took his ring off himself, so why should this be any different? If he had a say in it, I think he would ask to keep it on. But there is nothing I can do about that now. I have it. I always wear it. It actually fits on my index finger so I wear it on the same hand that I still wear my own wedding rings. I can't bear to be without them. So since Michael can no longer wear his ring everyday, I am here to carry that on for him. Just like I am still here to carry on our marriage.
After all of the imagining, some of my family came over to go out to dinner. My mom, father-in-law, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law all came over to go out with me. It really meant so much to have them all there with me. I have been blessed with an amazing family to be there for me as a crutch when I have really needed it. I may not show it all the time; I tend to act a little too tough on the outside. I tend not to show any of my suffering. But my family has only been there for me, even when I don’t ask them, or tell them I need them.
Today is the three year anniversary of our marriage to each other. Three years ago today we committed to love and to honor each other until the end of time. Three years ago I made the best decision I have ever made. If anyone were to ask me if I could change it all and start over, would I? The answer would be no. Even if I knew I was going to lose Michael in the end, I would not change any bit of it. Michael taught me what it was like to love unconditionally. That no matter what happened, our love for each other would always hold true and strong. Even during the time where our marriage was strained and we weren’t sure if we would make it, it was our love that held the pieces together. I would not change a thing. Our love has only grown. I am so very much in love with him and I would not change something that has given me and shown me so much love.
So today I decided to go outside, sit in a beach chair and continue to read my book (Eat, Pray, Love - which is so unbelievably amazing). About 15 minutes after I first sat down, I realized that I was completely alone. Everyone must have ventured back inside to get ready for dinner. It was at that time that I looked at the sun and realized that I have felt this sun before. I started to get knots in my stomach when I realized that three years ago, on this same beach, we were all arriving for us to get married. I was the last to arrive. I remember looking over at Michael in the other car and realizing that no matter how much I looked at him, he wouldn’t look back at me (granted, the windows were tinted and I am sure he wouldn’t have noticed that I was even looking at him). I suppose he didn’t want to risk that superstition that say “if you see your bride before you get married on your wedding day, you’ll be cursed with an unlucky marriage”. I remember the nervous jittery feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach. I almost felt like I was going to throw up. I wasn’t unsure of what I was doing, I was just so anxious for my life to begin, I knew then that my life was going to be forever changed. I remember my dad asking me before he walked me down the sand isle if I was sure this was what I wanted, because if I wasn’t, he had a credit card and he could get me on the next plane to Mexico. I remember that when we were reciting our vows to each other, we both stumbled on the same word. I remember crying when the officiant recited the 1 Corinthians verse 13, love is patient love is kind. I can only imagine what it would be like with Michael here with me today. Maybe we would be sitting on the beach somewhere in San Diego with a bottle of wine and a packed dinner. Just sitting there watching the the sun as it vanishes beneath the horizon and marvel as the stars and the moon take their place in the sky. I wonder what sorts of things we would talk about. We would probably still be giddy as hell about him getting into the Marine Corps Officer program. Maybe we would be talking about college and what sorts of classes he would want to take. Maybe talking about baby names and possibly talking about when it would be an appropriate time for us to renew our vows. But I can only imagine. I can only make those pretend conversations happen in my head. It makes me so incredibly sad to know that our marriage really, can only go on if I make it continue to go on.
It's kind of like how I wear Michael's wedding ring. Michael never ever took his ring off. Even when he went to Iraq, he never took it off. Most husbands when they go over there, they will take off their ring so it doesn't get damaged. Michael, I guess, never took it off because he didn't want to be without it. If something were to have happened, he would want to be wearing his wedding ring. Well after the accident, I got a bag out his belongings that he had on him at the time of the accident. His cell phone, dog tags, his watch, chevrons, wallet, and his ring. My brain wasn't working then and I didn't even think to have them put his ring back on. Michael never took his ring off himself, so why should this be any different? If he had a say in it, I think he would ask to keep it on. But there is nothing I can do about that now. I have it. I always wear it. It actually fits on my index finger so I wear it on the same hand that I still wear my own wedding rings. I can't bear to be without them. So since Michael can no longer wear his ring everyday, I am here to carry that on for him. Just like I am still here to carry on our marriage. After all of the imagining, some of my family came over to go out to dinner. My mom, father-in-law, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law all came over to go out with me. It really meant so much to have them all there with me. I have been blessed with an amazing family to be there for me as a crutch when I have really needed it. I may not show it all the time; I tend to act a little too tough on the outside. I tend not to show any of my suffering. But my family has only been there for me, even when I don’t ask them, or tell them I need them.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
fort myers beach
Since internet here is spotty, I wrote this yesterday. Even though I do plan on writing more later on today, I just wanted to quickly get this up while I still had an internet signal.
Tuesday May 11th, 2010
Fort Myers Beach
It is the day before my three year wedding anniversary to Michael. It is also the first full day I am spending here on the beach. The same beach Michael and I got married on three years ago tomorrow. I am confused as to why I am putting myself through this familiar torture. Why am I putting myself here when I know it will hurt so much? I guess maybe deep down, I know I need to feel this pain. I need time alone to be in my own solitude and sorrow. I need to be able to really feel everything. I want to feel this pain but at the same time, I am so very afraid of it.
I am not too sure of what my plans are for tomorrow. Everyone has told me that I should not be alone. I agree. I shouldn’t be alone. But I will most likely be alone. But that’s fine too. If Michael were still alive, we would be alone tomorrow as well. I’ll probably get up in the morning, go running on the beach, get something to eat, lay out in the sun, go in the water, write in the sand, and maybe even walk down to the same location of where we said our vows and committed our souls to each other in front of the people who meant the most to us. I’ll probably end up going out to eat with our family as well. Which will most likely be bittersweet. It will be painful because I know that Michael is the one who should really be here.
This morning, after I ran a few miles on the beach, I realized that I had forgotten to go to Barns and Nobel before my venture out to the beach. I decided that I would not last long without something to occupy my mind, so after coffee and breakfast, I made a quick trip off of the island to grab a few books. I got three. They should last me the entire time out here and maybe even a little bit into my trip out to Kansas. I got a book about healing, a guilty pleasure, and a book about eternal love. Eat Pray Love, L.A. Candy, and Wuthering Heights. This seems like a good mixture to me. I also got book marks with a monogram “M” on each of them. I wanted to celebrate my, still new, last name. I would say it was a successful trip because I had no idea what I wanted to read.
So right now, I am up in my two bedroom, two bath condo sitting out on my porch, listening to the puny waves washing up onto the shore, taking a break from the intense sun. My wonderful sister-in-law, who has actually grown into more of a sister-type-best friend in the past few months, will be here after she gets off work and she will be spending the night with me. I am so thankful to have at the least one really good friend here close to me. Friends is a subject matter I will write about another time... Nevertheless, I am so happy she will be here soon.
Until next time-
Mrs. Michael Martins
Tuesday May 11th, 2010
Fort Myers Beach
It is the day before my three year wedding anniversary to Michael. It is also the first full day I am spending here on the beach. The same beach Michael and I got married on three years ago tomorrow. I am confused as to why I am putting myself through this familiar torture. Why am I putting myself here when I know it will hurt so much? I guess maybe deep down, I know I need to feel this pain. I need time alone to be in my own solitude and sorrow. I need to be able to really feel everything. I want to feel this pain but at the same time, I am so very afraid of it.
I am not too sure of what my plans are for tomorrow. Everyone has told me that I should not be alone. I agree. I shouldn’t be alone. But I will most likely be alone. But that’s fine too. If Michael were still alive, we would be alone tomorrow as well. I’ll probably get up in the morning, go running on the beach, get something to eat, lay out in the sun, go in the water, write in the sand, and maybe even walk down to the same location of where we said our vows and committed our souls to each other in front of the people who meant the most to us. I’ll probably end up going out to eat with our family as well. Which will most likely be bittersweet. It will be painful because I know that Michael is the one who should really be here.
This morning, after I ran a few miles on the beach, I realized that I had forgotten to go to Barns and Nobel before my venture out to the beach. I decided that I would not last long without something to occupy my mind, so after coffee and breakfast, I made a quick trip off of the island to grab a few books. I got three. They should last me the entire time out here and maybe even a little bit into my trip out to Kansas. I got a book about healing, a guilty pleasure, and a book about eternal love. Eat Pray Love, L.A. Candy, and Wuthering Heights. This seems like a good mixture to me. I also got book marks with a monogram “M” on each of them. I wanted to celebrate my, still new, last name. I would say it was a successful trip because I had no idea what I wanted to read.
So right now, I am up in my two bedroom, two bath condo sitting out on my porch, listening to the puny waves washing up onto the shore, taking a break from the intense sun. My wonderful sister-in-law, who has actually grown into more of a sister-type-best friend in the past few months, will be here after she gets off work and she will be spending the night with me. I am so thankful to have at the least one really good friend here close to me. Friends is a subject matter I will write about another time... Nevertheless, I am so happy she will be here soon.
Until next time-
Mrs. Michael Martins
Monday, May 10, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
six months
I can't believe it. Today marks 6 months since Michael was alive. I have not spoken to my husband in 6 months. This is absolutely crazy. I was lying in bed this morning just looking at our things. Our bed. Our dresser. Thinking, how did these get here? Why aren't they in California? Why am I in Florida?
That's right. Because 6 months ago, someone couldn't wait the 10 seconds it would have took for Michael to pass him. Someone decided to go when Michael was right there. Some old man thought that he was still ok enough to drive himself. Someone decided that Michael shouldn't live anymore.
I cannot believe that 6 months has already gone by. 6 months from now will be a year. And in 6 days, it will be our 3rd wedding anniversary. I rented a condo on the same beach that we got married, for a week. I don't know why I did it. Maybe, somehow, staying on the beach will bring me closer to Michael. Which I don't think is possible, because I swear I feel him around me all the time.
Michael, not a second goes by that my mind isn't on you. I miss you so much, at times it is unbearable. I wish we could be together again, because being able to look in your eyes again would be my heaven. Life here without you is so hard. You were not supposed to die. We were supposed to do the old and gray thing. I feel like my love for you has only grown since you left. I feel your love around me all the time. But it doesn't seem to lessen the pain that I feel knowing that you are gone. There is nothing that will bring you back and that kills me. I promise you that I will continue to be so in love with you even after my heart stops beating. I love you so much Michael. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you. Always.
That's right. Because 6 months ago, someone couldn't wait the 10 seconds it would have took for Michael to pass him. Someone decided to go when Michael was right there. Some old man thought that he was still ok enough to drive himself. Someone decided that Michael shouldn't live anymore.
I cannot believe that 6 months has already gone by. 6 months from now will be a year. And in 6 days, it will be our 3rd wedding anniversary. I rented a condo on the same beach that we got married, for a week. I don't know why I did it. Maybe, somehow, staying on the beach will bring me closer to Michael. Which I don't think is possible, because I swear I feel him around me all the time.
Michael, not a second goes by that my mind isn't on you. I miss you so much, at times it is unbearable. I wish we could be together again, because being able to look in your eyes again would be my heaven. Life here without you is so hard. You were not supposed to die. We were supposed to do the old and gray thing. I feel like my love for you has only grown since you left. I feel your love around me all the time. But it doesn't seem to lessen the pain that I feel knowing that you are gone. There is nothing that will bring you back and that kills me. I promise you that I will continue to be so in love with you even after my heart stops beating. I love you so much Michael. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you. Always.
Friday, April 30, 2010
sandwhich
So I am laying in bed, tossing and turning trying to force myself to go to sleep. Obviously, no such luck because I am sitting here at my desk top blogging... apparently about sandwiches. My mind is running, and it has been running a whole lot lately. I was laying in the dark and I start thinking about sandwiches and how the only truly amazing, classic sandwiches always paired one thing with another. Peanut butter and jelly. BLT. ham and cheese. I used to get an amazing sand which at a gourmet sand which place with brie, black forest ham, spring lettcue mix, and a cranberry chutney, I was addicted to it. The other day I had a pesto, mozzarella, and tomato sand which that was amazing. Michael and I used to go to an Italian joint in San Diego that would stuff pasta inside of a garlic roll -- our favorite was cheese ravioli in pesto sauce. If you are ever in SD you have to go to Devine Pastabilities.
What I am trying to get at is that every good, tasty, delicious sandwich, when you look inside it always has a pair (or more). It's the jelly that compliments the peanut butter. The cheese that makes the ham taste so good. I used to have my Michael that made me, me. You look at me now and I don't have my other ingredient to make me whole. I know I will always have him with me. I carry him around where ever I go. But physically, obviously, he is no longer here, by my side, making me whole.
Now I am just a boring mayonnaise sandwich. A stupid "i wish" sandwich...
I guess I am ok with that, I have to be. Besides, when I was a kid, I really did like mayonnaise sandwiches.
What I am trying to get at is that every good, tasty, delicious sandwich, when you look inside it always has a pair (or more). It's the jelly that compliments the peanut butter. The cheese that makes the ham taste so good. I used to have my Michael that made me, me. You look at me now and I don't have my other ingredient to make me whole. I know I will always have him with me. I carry him around where ever I go. But physically, obviously, he is no longer here, by my side, making me whole.
Now I am just a boring mayonnaise sandwich. A stupid "i wish" sandwich...
I guess I am ok with that, I have to be. Besides, when I was a kid, I really did like mayonnaise sandwiches.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
fears
One of my biggest fears since the beginning of this journey has been my memory of Michael slowly fading. I am so afraid that I will forget him. I am afraid that as new memories form the memories of Michael will slowly get pushed out. Just like the memories of high school are much more distant than the ones of college. I don't want Michael to go anywhere. I have been wanting to write all of the memories that I have of him down, but I just can't. For some reason is to too painful to remember each detail and relive it knowing that I will never feel that way again. But at the same time, I know its necessary.
I know for a fact that there are definitely memories that will never fade. For example, the first time we kissed and the way his lips felt against mine. It was completely different and I knew for some reason I wouldn't kiss anyone else. The look on his face when he came to pick me up from the airport in San Diego for my first visit out to see him. How it felt the first night I fell asleep in his arms. The emense pain I felt when I had to say "see you later" before he left for his first deployment. The horrific anticipation I felt the night he was coming home and the huge relief I felt when I saw his huge smile walking towards me and finally having him in my arms again for the first time in a year. The look in his eyes when he asked me to marry him.
I'm sorry I can't write everything that I wanted to write.
I know for a fact that there are definitely memories that will never fade. For example, the first time we kissed and the way his lips felt against mine. It was completely different and I knew for some reason I wouldn't kiss anyone else. The look on his face when he came to pick me up from the airport in San Diego for my first visit out to see him. How it felt the first night I fell asleep in his arms. The emense pain I felt when I had to say "see you later" before he left for his first deployment. The horrific anticipation I felt the night he was coming home and the huge relief I felt when I saw his huge smile walking towards me and finally having him in my arms again for the first time in a year. The look in his eyes when he asked me to marry him.
I'm sorry I can't write everything that I wanted to write.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
reality
This cannot be real. This could not have been Michael's fate. He was so young. He had his whole life ahead of him. This could not have happened. I am still in so much shock. I so desperately want this to just be a horrific dream. I don't want to walk this path of life without Michael. He is such an amazing man. How can this be possible?
Michael and I had a big discussion about him getting a motorcycle. I told him how I felt. That it scared me to death and if something were to happen to him, I don't know what I would do. I told him that everyone I know who has ridden a motorcycle has been hurt by them. I told him that he was an adult and I was not going stop him from being happy. Did I seal his fate when I didn't put up a fight? He did everything right though. He took 2 safety courses. He took really good care of his bike. He was always wearing his helmet and gloves. He never went 10 mph over the speed limit. He was as safe as you could be on one of those things. How did this happen?!
Why?
Why aren't there time machines?
Why didn't I tell him to take his car because it looked like it was going to rain that day?
Why did I have to ask him to feed the dogs?
Maybe, just maybe it would have put him 5 minutes ahead of that reckless old man.
Why was that man driving?
Why us? We were good. Our marriage was at its best. We were more in love than ever.
Why does it have to be like this?
I never want Michael to be a distant memory. Just something that I think about from time to time.
Oh God... please just give me peace.
Michael and I had a big discussion about him getting a motorcycle. I told him how I felt. That it scared me to death and if something were to happen to him, I don't know what I would do. I told him that everyone I know who has ridden a motorcycle has been hurt by them. I told him that he was an adult and I was not going stop him from being happy. Did I seal his fate when I didn't put up a fight? He did everything right though. He took 2 safety courses. He took really good care of his bike. He was always wearing his helmet and gloves. He never went 10 mph over the speed limit. He was as safe as you could be on one of those things. How did this happen?!
Why?
Why aren't there time machines?
Why didn't I tell him to take his car because it looked like it was going to rain that day?
Why did I have to ask him to feed the dogs?
Maybe, just maybe it would have put him 5 minutes ahead of that reckless old man.
Why was that man driving?
Why us? We were good. Our marriage was at its best. We were more in love than ever.
Why does it have to be like this?
I never want Michael to be a distant memory. Just something that I think about from time to time.
Oh God... please just give me peace.
Friday, April 2, 2010
fast forward
I feel like I am just waking up. I am starting to come to and I am looking around thinking... how did I get here? It's coming up on 5 months. In 4 more days it will be 5 months. It has been 147 days since November 6th. I think back about my life before, and I think I used to bearly go 2 days without talking to Michael, even while he was in Iraq. If a whole entire day passes, if 25 hours had passed and I had not spoken to Michael, I would get very anxious until he called. I haven't talked to him in almost 5 months. It is absolute craziness to me and I don't know how I have dealt with it as well as I have.
So today, I was just sitting there, and I just feel like I was hit by a rush of reality. I feel like my life has been on a VHS tape and on November 6th someone hit fast forward and here I am. I don't remember how I got here. I can think back and I see myself. But I only see my shell. I don't see me. This is my life now and I so desparately wish, so very badly that I had my life before back.
I want this back. I love you so much Michael. My love for you is ever eternal.
So today, I was just sitting there, and I just feel like I was hit by a rush of reality. I feel like my life has been on a VHS tape and on November 6th someone hit fast forward and here I am. I don't remember how I got here. I can think back and I see myself. But I only see my shell. I don't see me. This is my life now and I so desparately wish, so very badly that I had my life before back.
I want this back. I love you so much Michael. My love for you is ever eternal.
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