the hurt

There are no words tonight. I guess you can say it has just been "one of those days". Worthlessness. Helplessness. Longing. Missing. D all of the above. I just miss you Michael. This can't be real.

“There is one pain I often feel, which you will never know. It is cause by the absence of you.” -unknown

“Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime.” -unknown

“What will survive of us is love” -Philip Larkin

I love you my Tayte. 

that point

Has it come to that point?
Where people don't want to talk about Michael anymore?
When the only time his name is spoken is then it comes out of my mouth.
And when I do say his name or tell a story, it's quickly passed over with other conversation.
That point when I feel guilty for bringing up his name and making others feel uncomfortable.
Has Michael become that taboo subject that no one can bear to talk about anymore?
Or if he is talked about, it's done so in a hushed manor.

Has it come to that time when people question me for being in a bad mood?
When people start talking to me about making the most out of life. That life is too short not to be happy.
Where I feel like I have to put on a facade when I am around others, just so I'm not questioned.
That point when it's not even worth interacting with other humans because the only thing I want to do is scream "I'M A WIDOW AND YOU ARE STUPID!"
And when people start telling me about how horrible their life is. 

It is that time.
I feel like there is this internal battle going on.
I feel like my heart is breaking even more.
One of my biggest fears is slowly coming true.
I have never wanted Michael to get pushed in the shadows and I feel like that's exactly what's happening.

Well I haven't written in 10 days. I don't really have much to write about I guess. Usually, before I write on here, I have a burning itch to write something. It's almost like I feel like I am going to be sick. That some way, if I don't get it out I am going to end up vomiting all over myself... or someone else. But if I can get to my computer when I have this stirring idea, I can successfully vomit in a toilet. :) Thank you blog for being my toilet.

I don't know where I am at right now. I haven't really cried in a few days. I cried over the weekend here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, those times that I cried was more like tearing up compared to the way I cry when I am alone. I feel like I am going back into that numbness again. That horrible fog that widows who are further out describe with a hint of annoyance. It really sucks not being able to feel anything. It's frustrating. I hate it.

However, this time is a little different. I do tend to get those breakthrough moments when I feel it. Where it hits me like a cannon ball. My blood catches on fire and I can't breathe. Michael is dead. I am not sure what triggers it, but it is happening more frequently. I wish it wouldn't happen. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want this to be real.

Lately, I have been trying to remember a lot of the things I have forgotten in the beginning. My brain shut down, allowed my body to go through the motions, it cushioned me from feeling the full amount of pain one should feel after losing their spouse. I don't remember much of anything. I remember bits and pieces but not the full picture. I don't understand my intense curiosity as to what all happened during the first few months after Michael was killed. But I want to know them. I need to know. So if you know anything... please describe in a comment.

Well that is all I have for now. If I feel the need to vomit, I know where to come to.

quick sand

I haven't been able to write anything lately. I don't know why. I guess my head is just full of junk and I can't seem to muddle my way through anything. I have been kind of going through the motions of life lately. Just allowing myself to be pulled ever which way.

I feel like I am sinking fast into a pool of quick sand. I feel like my grief is swallowing me whole. I don't even know which way is up anymore. I don't know the difference between right and wrong. I don't know anything anymore. I don't understand anything. All I know is that this sand is coming up fast and it is beginning to suffocate me. It's already got my arms trapped. It is slowly creeping up my chest and neck. Pretty soon it will be filling my mouth, ears and nose. But it won't matter because it is already hard to breathe.

Most of the time I am able to take my mind away from things. I have become good at busy work. Like working on my etsy stuff. Surrounding myself with people. Reading. I have realized that I could probably make a lot of money being an actress. It's not that I am being fake with anyone - it's just that I am able to act - put on a face for everyone. But it's exhausting. But I hide it so much to the point of where I have dreams of screaming and crying my eyes out.

I don't even know how to deal with my own self. Let alone anyone else's issues. I don't know why, but people seem to think that I am an ok person for them to come to with their problems. Maybe because I've been through hell and back, I might have some personal wisdom to share. I don't know. I don't get it. I wish it would just stop. I wish everything would just stop. I wish it all would have stopped 8 months ago.

run away

Lately my head has been mush. What's new? I can't seem to sort out my thoughts. And I hate that. I go through these cycles. Numb. Dumb. Angry. Pissed. Annoyed at everything. Sad. Always depressed.

I hate my life. I hate everything. I listed in a previous blog the things I am thankful for. And that's about it. Everything else can go away. And sometimes - I want all of those "silver linings" to go away too! I think my conclusion is - I just want to run away. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. I want to be alone. I don't want to deal with anyone or talk to anyone. I miss Michael sooo much. When he was deployed, I couldn't deal with him being gone for so long. I never thought that it was possible to miss someone so much. I miss him a million times more than that. No. Infinity times more than that. It's ridiculous how much I miss that man.

If I can't have him, I don't want anyone or anything. It doesn't matter anymore. I just want to run away from everyone and everything that isn't Michael.

I feel like I am starting not to make sense anymore. And I don't care. This whole thing doesn't make sense. Michael dying - doesn't make sense. I mean obviously, we all die someday. But him, dying so young, doesn't make sense. How can someone just die? We had agreed to do the whole old, gray and nursing home thing. And now we're not. And that doesn't make sense.

If it wasn't almost 2 am, I would hop in my car and just start driving. I would drive until I didn't know where I was, and I would still continue to drive. I just want to go away.

But I can't. I'm stuck. And that is so frustrating.

vent

Today I feel like I hate everything.

I hate facebook. I hate seeing every one's perfect lives. I hate seeing people's status updates and pictures and their happy lives. I hate it. I hate seeing people bragging about their husbands and them doing nice things. No one cares. Do people really get off on expressing to others how "perfect" their lives are?! You aren't making any one's life any better, you're not benefiting anyone by bragging about your wonderful life. I can only assume that you are doing it to make yourself feel better. I would really love to delete my facebook. But if I do that, I am sure I will be getting phone calls from everyone under the sun checking to see if I am still alive. Unfortunately, it's my connection to the outside world, my connection to the friends that I do have.

I hate that I am alone. I don't mind no one being around. I mind that Michael isn't here anymore. I just want my husband home! I would never wish this on anyone at all. I still cannot believe that this is my life now. I'm a widow. I still have a hard time believing it. I know I am still in denial. I bounce back to denial all the time. I hate that I know I need to go to therapy. I tired to make it seem like I can handle this. The honest truth is that I can't. I don't know how. It seems like my life will forever be this black whole and I don't even know where to find the light at the end. Nor do I really want to find the light. I don't think I will ever want to get over Michael. I never want him to be something that I never talk about. I don't want him to be something that I will just eventually throw out.

At the same time though, I don't see how I will last much longer with my life being like this. Feeling the way I feel. Will I ever find a balance? Keeping Michael alive with me but being ok that he really isn't here anymore (does that sound crazy?). I just can't imagine feeling this pain for another 60 years, if I am to live for another 60 years.

I also can't imagine being with anyone else either. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is someone out there that is willing to understand me and where I come from. Maybe I will find that balance. But I don't see it. I will never see how being with another man will make me feel ok or make everything better. I knew at 18 years old that I wanted to be with Michael forever. I knew then that I was ready to settle down, get out of the dating game. I found my missing piece. How do you move on from losing the love of your life?

I'm sorry for the rant and the venting. I promise it will happen again. :)

sick

On Wednesday, I went to San Diego with my in-laws. We didn't go for fun, we didn't go to get away. We went for business, for Michael. I am not going to indulge anyone with the details because it is a private matter. But I will say that nothing was really accomplished.

Being in San Diego was painful. More painful than I ever expected. We were in the same area that Michael and I used to visit. The absence of him was everywhere. At times it was hard to talk and even breathe. He was missing. He should have been there.

I am home now. We left on Friday, so it was a very quick painful jab. I'm sick. I'm exhausted. It seems like every time I come back from San Diego, I come home with a cold. For some reason, this one seems so much worse. I'm exhausted. It's hard for my eyes to focus. My hearing is thrown off. My nose is killing me. And my sinuses are throbbing. I have no motivation to do anything.

This past week has really shown me that when I take 1 step forward, I will most definitely take 2 steps back.

pictures

There is something that is keeping me in bed this morning. For some reason I can't find the strength/motivation/reason.... whatever to get up. Even though I know I have so much to do today. I started looking at pictures of Michael. Like really old pictures. Mostly of high school. Some from the Marine Corps. And a few from just us. I'm looking at these pictures and I feel like I am going to throw up. There will never be another picture taken of Michael ever again.

They just reminded me even more that my husband is dead.


I don't think I am going to look at pictures for a while. It used to help.
Now it just hurts beyond belief.

i am so mad

I am so mad that he is not here anymore. I am not so much mad at him. Even though I do have every right to be mad at him. If he would have just listened. Just understood my fear of him on a motorcycle, maybe, just maybe he would still be here. But I'm not mad at him, because who knows. If he were to have been in his car, who can say that the accident wouldn't have still killed him. I can't be mad because riding his motorcycle made him happy.

I am so mad at the man who killed him. I have said it a million times. Michael was 23. This man was 81. He lived his whole life. Michael was just starting his. This man will never pay for what he did either. He will never go to jail for killing Michael. He will never really have to live long enough to feel the full amount of remorse and guilt that one should carry for killing another. I am also so mad that this man took his life. Michael will never be honored by society the way he should be. Because he didn't die in the line of fire, he won't be recognized for serving his country the way others are. This man took that away from him too. If Michael had to die, I would much rather him die in Iraq or Afghanistan and let him die in honor instead of being killed by an old man in San Diego.

I am so mad at my brain for working again. For allowing me to feel. I want to take a vacation from myself. From being a widow. From feeling the pain of losing Michael. Just a day of not thinking or feeling. It's so frustrating when I don't feel anything, when I am numb. But it really does suck when I feel it. It's like someone stabbing a hot branding iron through my heart and some how the fire from the iron runs through my veins in my blood to the rest of my body. It never really goes away either. The pain has only gotten worse. I am just waiting for it to actually stop my heart. But it never does.

Can you die from a broken heart? Like the dog in "where the red fern grows".

I get so mad when I see moms with young babies. Pictures of weddings. Husbands coming home from a deployment. Wives bitching about their husbands being away. When people brag to me about how well their marriage is going. When people bitch to me about how bad things in their marriage. I get mad when people ask me about Michael's dog tags that I wear. I know being mad at all of these things is irrational, but I guess it's just apart of the aftermath of losing someone as close as Michael was to me.

Nonetheless, I am just mad. I have every right to be mad too.

here's to a semi-happy ending...

We found Milo a new home! My in-laws have a farm out in Punta Gorda, FL and one of their neighbors out on the farm owns a lot of pit bulls. They have the pit bulls to go hunting for wild boars with. So my father-in-law called and asked the neighbor if he might want Milo. Danny, My brother-in-law came and picked Milo up this morning to go and show him to the guy and he likes Milo and decided to keep him! So Milo will live the good life, hunting boars! I was just happy that I didn't have to resort to taking him to the humane society. I am sure they are already crowded, and I don't even want to think about him having to beg for someone else to love him. I know he will have a good life there.

I was sad to see him leave but I know this is a good thing. I will miss him dearly. However, I won't miss the part of him and Koby fighting and trying to kill each other. I was having anxiety last night with him still here. The energy was just bad and I broke down. I really, as much as I hate it, just wanted him to go. Now, there is a sense of relief and calm in my house. I know it can only get better (concerning the dogs).

Koby is doing better. He isn't hobbling around anymore. I have an appointment to take him to his normal vet this afternoon. He is doing really well with having a cone around his head. It is funny to watch him run into everything. He literally looks like a satellite dish. I feel like my love for him has grown and the bond between us has only gotten stronger.

It will be much easier now. Michael and I had a lot of fun with Koby when it was just the 3 of us. If I want to go for a jog on the beach, I can take him with me and not worry about being pulled down the beach. I can take him around other dogs and people and not have to worry. This is a good thing. I can also finally bring Samara, our kitty, here too! Milo would have definitely eaten her. Her and Koby were always good together.

As for me, I am sad, but I am ok. My leg is still hurting but I have medicine to take care of the pain. I have an appointment next week to get my staples taken out. I have a carpet cleaner coming tomorrow as well. When I said the fight turned into a blood bath, I was not joking, there is blood everywhere in my room. I just pray that he is able to get out all of the blood. If he can't then I am afraid I will have to replace my carpet.

I just wanted to thank everyone for all of the support you have given me. Especially my family, I would be lost without you. Leah if you weren't there, Koby would be dead, I owe you big time. My mom, my in-laws, my brother and sister-in law have all been a huge help. Thank you. I know that Michael is proud of my decision and I don't regret it. Not only did I save myself and Koby, but I saved Milo as well.

when will it stop?

Just when you think that you have had enough piled onto your plate... something else happens. Something else I never thought would happen... happened. My dogs, Milo and Koby have turned on each other. I don't even know where to begin.

I guess it really started to happen a few weeks ago, they would get in little scuffles here and there, but nothing serious. Milo will become fixated on something and Koby will feel the need to try to correct him. Milo is becoming an adult, he will be a year next month, and I am assuming that he doesn't want Koby to boss him around. So they fight. It was managable, nothing to worry about, until this week. On Tuesday they got into a fight. I don't remember how it started or why, but my mom and I were able to break it up. Wednesday was worse. I was outside with the two of them and Milo saw a soccer ball. He went nuts and tried to escape the yard and before I knew it they were in a full blown fight. I was out there alone and I could not get them to stop. I was so lucky that my neighbor was outside and he was able to jump my fence and help me pull them apart. Koby got hurt worse than Milo. My hand also got bit in the process. I knew it was an accident. I got bruised up bad as well. They are both extremely strong dogs (Milo moreso than Koby, obviously) and it just got out of control. I know I only made it worse though because I was screaming and I started to hit the both of them with a stick. I didn't (and still don't) know how to break up a dog fight.

I decided however, that I could make it work without having to give up one of them. I could not bear the thought of giving up one of our children. I was keeping them separated and rotating them in and out of the house and in and out of rooms. It seemed to work... for two days...

Today was the second worst day of my life. Well not the whole entire day, it was good up until around 6 pm. Leah, my sister is visiting and we were getting ready to head out to the store. Koby and Milo were both in the house. Milo was in the living room and Koby was in my room. Well I was walking out of my room and Milo just so happened to be sitting at my door, and some how Koby got passed me. It only took a second before they were going at it. Full force. My room turned into a blood bath, literally. I got bit again. This time on the outside of my right thigh and this time it was 100x worse than the first one. Thank god my sister was there, because if she wasn't, I would probably have a dead dog. After was seemed an eternity, we were able to separate them. Once they were both safe, I had to rush to the hospital. They took me right in and now I have 5 staples in my leg. I had a mini panic attack in my head because the last time I was at the hospital, was the day I lost my husband.

Once I was taken care of, we went back to the house and took Koby to an emergency vet hospital. He had to have surgery to have 4 drains put in some of his deeper wounds. It started bawling when my poor pup hobbled out. He got hurt really really bad.

I have decided that I just cannot keep Milo. It really does break my heart. I feel like I have failed him and Michael. I know however, that if Michael were here, he would want to give him up after the first time I got hurt. I am desperately looking for a no-kill animal shelter or rescue. I can't keep him long enough to find someone else to take him. It is too big of a risk. He truly is a good dog, he just doesn't do well with other male dogs. He needs a lot of work, and unfortunately, I can't handle it anymore. I love both Milo and Koby, my family and everyone else too much to let this possibily happen again. Milo deserves to have the attention and dedication I would have loved to have been able to provide for him. This is not going to be easy. I know that I am doing what is right and I know Michael is helping to guide me through this.

 :(

tangled

Lately, I have been lost. Consumed in my thoughts and I cannot seem to find the right ways to untangle them to make everything make sense. Therefore I have not been able to write much. Lately I have been really effected by the garbage from some certain people in my life. It just makes it even more evident that I need to do some spring cleaning in the friendship department. These few people who I have in mind probably don't even have a clue that what they have done through their actions and words have so deeply effected me. Losing Michael has caused me to grow a backbone, in a sense. I don't put up with crap from people, and I have made it know when I don't like something.

I have learned that my days here are numbered. Life is too short to have people in your life who are just going to bring you down.

I have been finding myself desperately trying to keep myself distracted. I won't go to sleep until my eyes can no longer stay open. I will read until I wake up with the book on my chest in the middle of the night. I try to fill my day with mindless bull shit (honestly, I cannot find a better word for it) to keep me occupied. Maybe that's why my head has been such a mess lately. I just don't want to think about my husband being gone forever. However, I will have moments of clarity. Where I realize everything. It could be something as simple as his smile or the sound of his voice or the fact that he never took off his wedding ring. Then it will just trigger, like a hole being punched through my chest, I can't breath and my eyes fill with tears. My husband, my beautiful husband is dead. I will never get to touch his perfect body again. Kiss his beautiful lips. Hold his hand that fit into mine like a puzzle piece.

Sometimes I really just want to scream.

the pain

So I have found a really good description of the pain. It's from New Moon, a second book in the Twilight Saga. I know, I know... Don't get on me about reading those books, I love them. I am rereading them right now to keep my mind occupied, distracted.

"I lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made its appearance. It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielding me nothing. My heart must have beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me."

"And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain -- the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head -- but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it."

This is a pretty good description of my pain, thank you Stephenie Meyer for being able to put it into words for me. There is only one difference though, the pain, for me, radiates throughout my body. Like my blood is on fire. It is absolutely a strange thing that the brain can transform emotional pain into crippling physical pain.

I miss you so much Michael. I would do anything for just an hour, 15 minutes, hell even a minute with you again...

society sucks

Lately I have been feeling angry. I'm not mad at anyone in particular, besides the obvious (the man who killed my husband), but I'm just plain mad. I am mad that I am 23 years old and I am a widow. Not a wife, not a married woman. Society doesn't let me have that title anymore. In legal forms, I HAVE to now put that I am single. Although, in my head, I am clearly not single. I hate that. For the first couple of months, it didn't even occur to me that I was technically, no longer married. I just continued checking the "M" box under martial status. I think it really donned on me that my title has completely changed was when I was closing on my house. I was sitting there about to sign my life away and the lady from the title company looks at my left hand, and then back to me, almost in a panic asking me if I was married. I said yes, but I am a widow. I think she was happier because she did not have to go through and redo all of my paper work than we was sympathetic that I am this young, and a widow.

That word still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Widow. It's a word that makes you think of this picture when you hear it. Not a 23 year old woman. I guess if I can no longer say that I am Sgt Michael Martins wife, then I can live with being Sgt Michael Martins widow. I will carry around that title just as proud as I carried around the prior one.

I know I have said this before, and I am sure I sound like a broken record to some people, but I hate hate hate it when people tell me that I am so young and that I will find love again. That is not what I want to hear!!! I don't know what I want to hear, and I am sure I will never be happy with hearing anything, but I just don't want to hear that. People can be so dumb sometimes. Like the friend of mine, who told me she was cheating on her husband, when I found out that mine was never coming home. Or the countless amount of people who came up to me and told me that Michael was in a better place. Yes, I agree, heaven is a million times better than here, but I have always considered that to be something you say to someone who had just lost their uncle who has battled a horrible disease for a long time. You don't say that to someone who just lost their husband when there was nothing wrong with them. I'm sorry, I am selfish, but I would have picked the better place for Michael to be is with me.

I remember wanting to write something about this subject a month or two after everything happened. I swear I had a list of ridiculous things that people have said. Now, I can only remember those few. And that would be why I am so thankful for my brain shutting down.

you

Valentine's Day flowers

 

 

Oh how I wish I could be where you are. 

I love you Michael

Last night in our apartment

Well it has been almost 10 days since my last post. I haven't had much to say. This past week has been a tough week for me. I flew back to San Diego on the 14th to finish things up here and close this chapter in my life. This is another one of those situations where I just do not want to let go. Where I am digging my nails in trying to resist the inevitable. Coming here means that the apartment, the home, Michael and I shared together will be no more. The place where our last kiss occurred will be packed up and some other young couple or family will move in here. We got very lucky with our apartment. The size, the amenities, the location is absolutely amazing for the cost of rent. But what is even more priceless is the friends we met here. The memories that were made. The tears we shed and the laughs we shared here. This apartment is one of the last things, besides my love and memories, that I shared with Michael and will be boxed up and shipped to Florida tomorrow. I have secretly broken down a few times today, know that this is my last full day here. The last minute running around and packing my things has taken my mind off of it for a while, but it still does not lessen the dread. I feel sick to my stomach almost every day. Just knowing that my life from here on out is nothing like what Michael and I had planned for.

One of Michael's hobbies was his salt water aquarium. Ever since I realized that I was moving I have been dumbfounded as to what the heck am I going to with the fish when it came to moving. My only option until now was to give the fishies back to the fish store that we bought everything from. I was hoping they would be nice enough to maybe send them to me once I had the aquarium all set up back in Florida. However, it could be over a month from now. I am not sure how long it is going to be until I get my stuff and it takes about a month to fully set up a salt water aquarium before you can put fishies in there. Soo anyway, the conclusion of my story is, I asked our next door neighbors and really good friends if they would like to keep the fish tank. They gladly accepted. I don't know who wouldn't. I am happy I came to that conclusion because 1, I was getting stressed over what I am I going to do with them and 2, I know they are going to a good home. Michael worked hard to put this tank together and it would be a shame to just watch it go down the drain, literally.

Well the clock is about to hit 11 pm. There are still other things I need to go before I head to bed and finish my last day here in our apartment. I went around the place, taking pictures of every room, everything that was Michael and I in this apartment. I focused a lot on the kitchen and living room, mainly because that's where we spent a lot of our time. I miss him so much. I miss him more and more each day. I love you so much Michael. No one will ever take your place.

Ruined

The past couple of days have effin' sucked and I know this is just the beginning. I have been so numb since the very beginning and just now, almost 2 months in, I am getting little bit and pieces of the pain that lies beneath the numbness. It's hitting me hard. I've known this entire time that he has been gone, but it has only been recently that I have actually realized that my HUSBAND is the "d word". That he will never come home.

If it were not for some old fuckers poor judgement/vision/driving skills/whatever else, Michael would still be here. I blame nothing but that man. I cannot blame myself for asking Michael to feed the dogs, or the shop finishing up pt when they did, or the amount of time it took for us to say goodbye to each other that day, or for Michael riding his motorcycle. Michael was an amazing driver. I trusted him with my own life on that bike. He did everything he could have done to be safe. If it were not for that man, my husband would still be here and my life would not have been ruined.

People must not realize that because of this, my life is ruined. Michael's life was ruined. Our plans, our dreams, our physical love, initmacy, our life together, is ruined. I will no long have his companionship. My best friend is gone. When he left this earth he took me with him. I do not have the capacity to ever love someone like I love Michael. He took my happiness, my love, my heart, my future with him.

I keep saying to myself I would give anything and everything in this world just to be able to rewind time back to November 5th and just press pause. I would pause my life right at the part where Michael and I were laying in bed, about to go to sleep. The time that you spend together just talking before you commit to falling asleep. I was in his arms and at that point, there was nothing in this world that could have harmed me, I was safe. I miss that so much. I used to say that the greatest love of all, was the kind of love that can withstand being oceans apart for months on end. But now, unfortunately I know that the greatest, most true love of all is the type of love that can withstand being worlds apart. I can proudly say I know that love.

I know now that I truly have to take these times moment by moment. My brain is starting to work again and I am starting to feel again. And I hate it. The best way I have been able to describe the pain I feel is if you have read the Twilight Saga books. Corny, I know, but the author does a good way of describing how one would feel after losing a significant other. It was in the second book after Edward left Bella. It was the way the author described how Bella felt. If I had my books with me I would actually quote it for all you non-twilight readers. Once I go back to San Diego, I'll re-read the book and find what I want and put it on here.

This is all I have for today. Goodbye cruel world... until next time.

Eulogy

At Michael's funeral, I got up and gave the eulogy. People ask me how I did it and I really don't know how to answer them. I just did. I really had no idea what is supposed to go into a eulogy, so I just talked about him and told everyone about the Michael that I am so in love with.

Here it is...

Michael Martins was born on August 24th, 1986 in Livingston New Jersey. He was born to a very beautiful and loving family. Gene and Maria Martins already had a son, Daniel, who is 4 years older than Michael. Shortly after the birth of Michael, the family welcomed a baby girl, Crystal, into their lives. At that time, their family was complete.

I remember hearing stories of their childhood, Dan and Michael riding bikes and some how, on more than one occasion, with the help of Dan, Michael managed to get hit by a car, no matter if it was moving or parked. Not once, but twice. The small family of 5 decided to move to Cape Coral Fl in 1993. They moved to the house that they have lived in ever since. Michael would tell me stories about how Dan did not want to hang out with his younger brother, so he resorted to playing kitchen with Crystal in the back yard. From what Maria and Gene, and pretty much everyone else who was close to him explained to me how Michael knew how to pitch a fit, be independent, and he certainly knew how to be completely stubborn.

When it came to high school, Michael followed his brother Dan over to Mariner High School. He also followed his bother and played the tuba in both concert band and marching band.

I met Michael when I was 14 years old. I lived down the street from Michael for about a year before we even knew each other. I didn’t meet my neighbor until summer band practices in 2001. Our parents coordinated times to pick up and drop us off for school, mandatory band practices, competitions, and football games. Michael would always try to flirt with me. Which would consist of poking me in the side or awkwardly trying to tickle me. This, obviously prevented me from perusing things with Michael for the majority of our high school experience. Ever since Michael and I got together, almost every time I see Maria, she tells me the story how she kept asking Michael to go and ask me out, he always said no. He would shyly claim that we are just friends.

During high school, Michael obviously was the class clown. It would not be surprising if you saw him running around the band room before competitions in boxers, goofing off with the tuba section, or committing inappropriate acts with his tuba. Michael was always a dedicated tuba player and would commit a lot of his free time to practicing and improving his tuba skills. Michael’s best friends, Stacey and Bryan were practically all attached, they all shared an obsession for Harry Potter. I remember, they even exchanged Harry Potter paraphernalia for one Christmas.

During Michael’s senior year, he was voted by his graduating class as having the “best smile” which we alllllll know is sooo true and sooo appropriate. He was also elected as tuba section leader. As a senior in high school, Michael made the decision to enlist in the United States Marine Corps. After graduating from high school, he went to Parris Island, South Carolina for Marine Corps Boot Camp in the summer of 2004.

While at boot camp he held a squad leader position for a portion of his time there. Every once in a while he would mention to me how much he missed boot camp and from time to time he would make fun of the DIs.
Michael then attended Marine Combat Training at Camp Lejune, North Carolina. After Michael graduated from MCT school, he came home for recruiter assistant leave. Right after Michael came home he decided to give my best friend Jamie and call to see what was going on... However, at that time, Jamie had a boyfriend, but I was completely single. Jamie immediately passed the phone over to me after she explained to him that I was available. The next day, Michael gave me a call and we decided to go on a date to “junk-a-noos” on the beach. It was such an awkward time for the both of us because we were SUCH good friends during high school and it just did not seem natural, but none the less we did have an amazing time. Our liking for each other grew, and before we both knew it, we fell in love. I still remember our first kiss together and I can still feel those butterflies flutter in my stomach. But we soon both realized that our relationship would not last because Michael had a career ahead of him and I was still in high school.

Michael attended the Marine Air Ground Task Force Training at the Navy and Marine Corps Training Center in Dam Neck, Virginia. The Marine Corps considers this MOS, or Marine Occupational School for the Intelligence field. Michael then met his brothers in arms, Stephen Otico and Travis Silvest. While Michael was on student status, Michael was meritoriously promoted to Lance Corporal on March 2nd, 2005. When Michael graduated from MOS school he graduated 12th in his class in May 2005. Upon graduating Michael, along with Otico, Silvest and Jack Britton, were assigned to Head Quarters Company 5th Marine Regiment in Camp Pendleton California.

So it was not until about 6 months after we broke things off, Michael and I started to talk again. He reconnected with me on a little website known as Myspace. After 1 day of e-mailing, we started communicating on the phone and we talked everyday for a month straight. During this time, Michael asked me if I would like to attend the Marine Corps Ball with him in Las Vegas NV in November of 2005. Obviously I said yes.

Three months later, in February of 2006, Michael was deployed to Camp Fallujah, Iraq. While there, Michael was sent to work with 1st Battalion 1st Marines to support their S-2 shop. During his deployment, Michael got promoted to the rank of Corporal. He was Corporal Michael Martins. He finally came home on January 31st, 2007, which is actually my birthday. Maria, Gene, Daniel, Crystal, and I all welcomed him only on a rainy morning. On that particular day, I found out that I got accepted to San Diego State University in California. This information changed my life.

Shortly after his return to the United States, Michael came home to visit his family and I. ::MENTION STORY OF HOW HE WAS TOO AFRAID TO ASK DAD TO MARRY ME:: Michael finally mustered up the courage to propose to me on March 18th, 2007.

Michael and I said our beloved “I do’s” to each other on May 12th, 2007. We had a perfect and beautiful ceremony on Fort Myers Beach in the presence of our parents and siblings. Even though it was not exactly the wedding that either one of us hoped or dreamed for, it ended up being everything and more. it was the best day of both of our lives. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life.

One short month later, I made the cross country trip from Florida to San Diego California to be with my new husband. Married life came so easy and natural to us. Michael would work during the week and I started up my education in hopes to one day to become a nurse.

During this time Michael became friends with Robert Greenwood, Daryl Mullins, and his best friend Trey Stewart. Those three were constantly at our house and they quickly became family.

Unfortunately, in January of 2008, my family, Michael, Travis, Stephen, Jack, Robert, Daryl, and Trey all got deployed to Al Asad Iraq. During this particular tour Michael bounced around Iraq helping out other units and battalions in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. On October 1st, 2008, Michael made the choice to reenlist in the United States Marine Corps and promised to commit another four years to our country. Michael finally got on a plane December 6th, 2008 and arrived home 2 days later.

On January 1st, 2009 Michael was finally promoted and he gave me the honors of pinning on his new rank of Sergeant. While trying to adjust to our lives of living together again, Michael and I made a permanent change of duty station to Miramar California, which is still in San Diego. Michael was assigned to Head Quarters Squadron, Marine Aircraft Group 11. Around the same time, we adopted our goober of a pup, Koby. More recently, in July we adopted our lovable baby pit bull, Milo.

Over the last year, Michael had been constantly working on his package to the Marine Enlisted Commissioning Education Program, which would allow him to go to college and upon graduation, be commissioned as a Marine Corps Officer. We both decided that this would be the best decision to ensure us of the best life possible.

Michael and I hoped to one day have children, we even coordinated with Daniel and his beautiful wife AnnMarie to have a soccer team of children. We wanted to travel and see the world. We hoped to purchase and own our own house, and maybe even one day a BMW to park inside the garage. We were on top of the word and for us, the sky was the limit.

Just over a week ago, you cooked me dinner. Just over a week ago you were contemplating if it was a good idea to rent or buy a house. Just over a week ago you were taking the pups out and nagged me about what time I would be out of class. Just over a week ago you bugged me about the laundry, and a apologized about the amount of time I spent at work and school. Just over a week ago you told me you loved me and kiss me good bye.

If I have learned anything from this horrible horrible situation its just how much you really loved me, how much you have touched everyone in your life, and just how much you will be missed Michael Martins. I love you forever and infinity my Tayte!!!!


There is a part in there, the second to last paragragh that I could not read. I would not have been able to make it to the end, so I just skipped to the last paragragh.

I love you Michael.