wordless wednesday

today

Today I decided to stay home. For the most part.

My in-laws and sister-in-law went down to Key West for the day. There is an express boat that will take you from Fort Myers beach to a dock at Key West all under 4 hours. It's a pretty cool deal too. You can make it a one day trip or you can stay for as long as you want. I was asked to come along. But I couldn't.

Last year in April Michael and I took that same boat down to Key West for our "unofficial honeymoon". We never had a honeymoon and this was our first trip alone - no family, just us, spending much needed alone and relaxation time together. When we went, we had an amazing time! No fighting no spats. Nothing. Just pure fun and bliss. The only time there was a bump in the road was when we realized how much money we really spent. Key West is insanely expensive! We went snorkeling along the coral reef. We went on a sunset cruise on a catamaran. We rented bicycles, mopeds, and an electric cart. We went to the beach. Museums. Shopping. Ate a lot of food. And of course we drank! The trip was a success for us! There is nothing but good memories that we left behind there.

I loved that trip so much that a lot of the time, when I think about going back there or if Key West is really brought up at all, I get knots in my stomach. It gets harder to breathe and I want to cry.

So when I was asked to go back there, at first, I wanted to go. I didn't really think much about it, I just wanted to be with my family. But when it set in, there I would be returning there with with a huge chunk missing, I couldn't do it. I got bad anxiety and I freaked out. It was much too soon to go there again.

So today I stayed behind. I didn't want to go the whole day without seeing my Father-in-law though. So I decided to bake muffins the night before so that I could bring them all breakfast in the morning to take on their boat trip. Afterward, I  stopped at Starbucks to get my usual - Skinny Vanilla Latte :) I had Koby with me as well. I decided to take him to the cemetery to visit Michael. I took Milo there once, but never took Koby. We stayed there for a little while. But since Florida is the devil's sauna, we didn't stay long. But apparently, my car wanted us to stay longer because it died! I just laughed because now! Now is when my car decides to crap out!? When no one is home to help a girl out! My mom was still on her vacation and Michael's family just left on a boat! It was all good because I called AAA and it was only my battery that bit the dust.

Other than that, nothing really happened today. I spent most of it working on my stuff for my etsy store. I like doing that sort of stuff. It's not hard at all and I am surprised that I don't see more of it on etsy. I think I like it and I continue to do it so much because it keeps my mind off things.

silver lining

"Every cloud has its silver lining" 

And in my case, it's like a category 6.5 hurricane worth of clouds. Nevertheless there are some silver linings that I feel I need to recognize on here. I guess you can say, I am counting my blessings.

First and foremost,

My parents. They have provided me an endless amount of love and support and for that, I am forever grateful!

My in-laws - my relationship has grown so much since all of this has happened. I love them both dearly.

My fellow offspring. You give me a reason to laugh and smile. I love you all!

Crystal - my sister-in-law turned sister turned best friend. Thank you for being there for me when I feel like I am lost.. on a boat... without a paddle.

My Koby Monster! No explanation needed. Dogs make everything better (sometimes). :)

My Widsters! I don't know where I would be without you all. You have showed me that life is still worth living. I love you all so much!


And last and most definitely not least...

My beautiful husband. Your love and strength has pulled through for me during the times when I needed it most. You are the reason for who I am today. You made me, me. My love for you has only grown and I know that when it is my time to go, you will be there to welcome me into eternity. I love you so much! Michael - no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
I miss you so very much.

here's to a semi-happy ending...

We found Milo a new home! My in-laws have a farm out in Punta Gorda, FL and one of their neighbors out on the farm owns a lot of pit bulls. They have the pit bulls to go hunting for wild boars with. So my father-in-law called and asked the neighbor if he might want Milo. Danny, My brother-in-law came and picked Milo up this morning to go and show him to the guy and he likes Milo and decided to keep him! So Milo will live the good life, hunting boars! I was just happy that I didn't have to resort to taking him to the humane society. I am sure they are already crowded, and I don't even want to think about him having to beg for someone else to love him. I know he will have a good life there.

I was sad to see him leave but I know this is a good thing. I will miss him dearly. However, I won't miss the part of him and Koby fighting and trying to kill each other. I was having anxiety last night with him still here. The energy was just bad and I broke down. I really, as much as I hate it, just wanted him to go. Now, there is a sense of relief and calm in my house. I know it can only get better (concerning the dogs).

Koby is doing better. He isn't hobbling around anymore. I have an appointment to take him to his normal vet this afternoon. He is doing really well with having a cone around his head. It is funny to watch him run into everything. He literally looks like a satellite dish. I feel like my love for him has grown and the bond between us has only gotten stronger.

It will be much easier now. Michael and I had a lot of fun with Koby when it was just the 3 of us. If I want to go for a jog on the beach, I can take him with me and not worry about being pulled down the beach. I can take him around other dogs and people and not have to worry. This is a good thing. I can also finally bring Samara, our kitty, here too! Milo would have definitely eaten her. Her and Koby were always good together.

As for me, I am sad, but I am ok. My leg is still hurting but I have medicine to take care of the pain. I have an appointment next week to get my staples taken out. I have a carpet cleaner coming tomorrow as well. When I said the fight turned into a blood bath, I was not joking, there is blood everywhere in my room. I just pray that he is able to get out all of the blood. If he can't then I am afraid I will have to replace my carpet.

I just wanted to thank everyone for all of the support you have given me. Especially my family, I would be lost without you. Leah if you weren't there, Koby would be dead, I owe you big time. My mom, my in-laws, my brother and sister-in law have all been a huge help. Thank you. I know that Michael is proud of my decision and I don't regret it. Not only did I save myself and Koby, but I saved Milo as well.

when will it stop?

Just when you think that you have had enough piled onto your plate... something else happens. Something else I never thought would happen... happened. My dogs, Milo and Koby have turned on each other. I don't even know where to begin.

I guess it really started to happen a few weeks ago, they would get in little scuffles here and there, but nothing serious. Milo will become fixated on something and Koby will feel the need to try to correct him. Milo is becoming an adult, he will be a year next month, and I am assuming that he doesn't want Koby to boss him around. So they fight. It was managable, nothing to worry about, until this week. On Tuesday they got into a fight. I don't remember how it started or why, but my mom and I were able to break it up. Wednesday was worse. I was outside with the two of them and Milo saw a soccer ball. He went nuts and tried to escape the yard and before I knew it they were in a full blown fight. I was out there alone and I could not get them to stop. I was so lucky that my neighbor was outside and he was able to jump my fence and help me pull them apart. Koby got hurt worse than Milo. My hand also got bit in the process. I knew it was an accident. I got bruised up bad as well. They are both extremely strong dogs (Milo moreso than Koby, obviously) and it just got out of control. I know I only made it worse though because I was screaming and I started to hit the both of them with a stick. I didn't (and still don't) know how to break up a dog fight.

I decided however, that I could make it work without having to give up one of them. I could not bear the thought of giving up one of our children. I was keeping them separated and rotating them in and out of the house and in and out of rooms. It seemed to work... for two days...

Today was the second worst day of my life. Well not the whole entire day, it was good up until around 6 pm. Leah, my sister is visiting and we were getting ready to head out to the store. Koby and Milo were both in the house. Milo was in the living room and Koby was in my room. Well I was walking out of my room and Milo just so happened to be sitting at my door, and some how Koby got passed me. It only took a second before they were going at it. Full force. My room turned into a blood bath, literally. I got bit again. This time on the outside of my right thigh and this time it was 100x worse than the first one. Thank god my sister was there, because if she wasn't, I would probably have a dead dog. After was seemed an eternity, we were able to separate them. Once they were both safe, I had to rush to the hospital. They took me right in and now I have 5 staples in my leg. I had a mini panic attack in my head because the last time I was at the hospital, was the day I lost my husband.

Once I was taken care of, we went back to the house and took Koby to an emergency vet hospital. He had to have surgery to have 4 drains put in some of his deeper wounds. It started bawling when my poor pup hobbled out. He got hurt really really bad.

I have decided that I just cannot keep Milo. It really does break my heart. I feel like I have failed him and Michael. I know however, that if Michael were here, he would want to give him up after the first time I got hurt. I am desperately looking for a no-kill animal shelter or rescue. I can't keep him long enough to find someone else to take him. It is too big of a risk. He truly is a good dog, he just doesn't do well with other male dogs. He needs a lot of work, and unfortunately, I can't handle it anymore. I love both Milo and Koby, my family and everyone else too much to let this possibily happen again. Milo deserves to have the attention and dedication I would have loved to have been able to provide for him. This is not going to be easy. I know that I am doing what is right and I know Michael is helping to guide me through this.

 :(