"What would Michael want you to do?"
I've been asked this question several times in my short 8 months of being a widow. This question usually followed questions about me dating again or getting remarried down the road or suggestions of everything being ok because I am so young.
"You're only 23 right? You're so young, this won't last for very long, you'll find someone else."
My response usually goes something like this... "Thank you, but I knew at 18 years old that I didn't want anyone else but Michael. I was 20 when we said our "I do's". I knew then that I only wanted to be with Michael for the rest of my life and just because he physically isn't here anymore, doesn't change that."
Their response is usually something like this... "Well what do you think Michael would want you to do? Don't you think he would want you to be happy?"
I am always stumped at this question. Because I honestly don't know what Michael would want me to do. How he would want me to live my life without him here beside me. We never discussed this. Not even before he took off on his two combat deployments. Michael refused to write his will. He said he didn't want to jinx himself. He wanted to be optimistic about coming home. So the discussion of what to do in the event of his passing was never brought up, not once. The only thing I do know is what he would want me to do if he were still here.
Finish school, be something bigger than myself, buy a house, take care of our animals, travel, experience life. I am trying to do those things as best as I can. The only thing I left out of that list is have children. If he were still alive that would probably be at the top of the list. There isn't a point to have it on there anymore.
Those people who ask me "what would Michael want you to do" want me to say "move on, find love again, find another man, get married". They don't want to see a 23 year old widow and they think that me finding another husband will fix me. I'm broken and there isn't anyone but Michael who can fix me. A man, now, isn't going to bring me happiness. I believe that living my life in the way that we had intended to live our lives together is what's going to bring me happiness.
That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.