Wednesday, July 7, 2010

"What would Michael want you to do?"

I've been asked this question several times in my short 8 months of being a widow. This question usually followed questions about me dating again or getting remarried down the road or suggestions of everything being ok because I am so young.

"You're only 23 right? You're so young, this won't last for very long, you'll find someone else."

My response usually goes something like this... "Thank you, but I knew at 18 years old that I didn't want anyone else but Michael. I was 20 when we said our "I do's". I knew then that I only wanted to be with Michael for the rest of my life and just because he physically isn't here anymore, doesn't change that."

Their response is usually something like this... "Well what do you think Michael would want you to do? Don't you think he would want you to be happy?"

I am always stumped at this question. Because I honestly don't know what Michael would want me to do. How he would want me to live my life without him here beside me. We never discussed this. Not even before he took off on his two combat deployments. Michael refused to write his will. He said he didn't want to jinx himself. He wanted to be optimistic about coming home. So the discussion of what to do in the event of his passing was never brought up, not once. The only thing I do know is what he would want me to do if he were still here.

Finish school, be something bigger than myself, buy a house, take care of our animals, travel, experience life. I am trying to do those things as best as I can. The only thing I left out of that list is have children. If he were still alive that would probably be at the top of the list. There isn't a point to have it on there anymore.

Those people who ask me "what would Michael want you to do" want me to say "move on, find love again, find another man, get married". They don't want to see a 23 year old widow and they think that me finding another husband will fix me. I'm broken and there isn't anyone but Michael who can fix me. A man, now, isn't going to bring me happiness. I believe that living my life in the way that we had intended to live our lives together is what's going to bring me happiness.

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.


  1. In my eyes knowing my son as well as I did,
    Michael would want you to move on. Moving on meaning, be happy and knowing that Michael is in a better place then we are. It wod make him very sad to see that your not taking care of yourself. The sorrow in your heart will forever be. My son would say that he wants for you to be happy and live your life, get involved in life. (move on). Moving on doesn't mean forget your past but bring your past with you and make it better from here on. I truly feel for you and no one else can feel what you and I feel. I love you Allison, RIP Miquinho.

  2. That's exactly what I am trying to do. On here though, my purpose for this posting is to convey that finding someone else doesn't always = happiness. There are other ways to find it. Also in a way for people not to dismiss what I am going through because I am young, because possibly there is still time to find someone else. Because that's not what I want for myself. No matter how old I am or how long I had with Michael, that shouldn't determine how I feel now or how I would have felt had he died when he was 80 years old. Unfortunately, I will never be able to compare.

  3. I hate when I hear that people say that to you. They say it to me too. Pass it off like it won't matter in time. "She's young, she'll be fine". They don't get it - they haven't lived it. It will never be like it was. We're all discovering a NEW way to be. A new time without Michael. A new time where we have to put aside the dreams and plans we had for you guys.

    Your plan is good Allison - travel - grow - expand your brilliant mind - live. There is so so so much more to life than finding someone. Spend a great deal of time to find yourself, do what's in front of you, do what you love and when you come upon a brick wall, turn left. I love you baby girl.

  4. You can be happy without having to find someone else. Maybe you will, and maybe you won't. In time, only you can say what is best for you. From what I can see, I think at this point in it you have a fantastic mind set. I totally agree, finding a man does not mean happiness and to be honest I think would probably be the last thing on my mind too. I can't imagine you'd even want to consider that as an option now, or for in the future. Maybe things will change but, I think that you should cross that bridge when and if it comes. Right now, you are right... it's time to focus on you, and being happy and that has to be whatever YOU say it is. :)

  5. Hey dude!

    This reminds me of a quote i put on my blog a couple of months back:

    “I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.” -Jennifer Louden

    And as someone that has been lucky enough to be on this journey with you these past months, you're taking the right steps to finding your version of "self acceptance" after all that we've been through.

    I used to always joke that I needed to make a "WWMD" bracelet to wear, but we know in our hearts what that is, and it's whatever in the end makes us our happiness is what made them come alive with that smile of satisfaction....listen to your's the only true and all knowing voice in the world.

    Love ya

  6. Allison, you do what your heart tells you to do. Forget what people think or believe should happen. If and when God brings you a charming, wonderful man to love, then so be it, but until then, live life to the fullest, grieve, be happy, sad, mad, etc, feel your emotions as they come. I do agree with Madrinha, Michael would want you to be happy and for you to live your life. It's still too fresh to say how that life will be and what obstacles it will bring, so live one day at a time and to the fullest :) We love you very much, Allison! Mikey is always living through you. You know in your heart how he would react to things and how he would feel about things you do. Just follow your heart.


  7. Ugh!!! Almost 3 years later I'm still hearing this speech. Only thing that is changing is my age. You're only 23, you're only 24, you're only 25. People don't understand that being single and living is enough. They get so wrapped up in the face that they are happy in their relationship, and I guess because I lost my other half, they think someone needs to step into that position. It's the most annoying thing to be told EVER!! Living and accomplishing your dreams is what Michael would want you to do, you nailed it right on the head. He would want to see that beautiful smile on your face, and happiness in your heart. However that needs to be accomplished it what is the thing to do. Oh, and just tell all those annoying people to piss off! Love!! :)

  8. I'm sure you've heard this song, but I always think of you when I hear it.

    Some people never experience what you and Michael have. The way I see it, better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. You'll find your way.