I don't understand the strong attachment I have with Michael's belongings or any thing that represents him. They are just things. They aren't him. The attachment that I have to some of his things are sometimes crippling. On Saturday I had some trees removed because the week before there was a nasty storm that came through the week before and it knocked down one of my trees. I took advantage of having someone come out to remove it and I had two palm trees that had died the winter before, but I was too lazy and cheap to have removed after they died.
Also in my front yard was an oak tree that my real estate agent had bought for me after I purchased my house. He said it would represent Michael. He said that oak trees are strong and resilient, that no matter the weather, they would always live. Well I realized not even 20 minutes ago, after pulling into my drive way that the damn tree removal guys cut down Michael's oak tree! I was livid! I ran in my house and dropped my things and called the company that came out. I was shaking I was so mad. I calmly talked to the receptionist and told her what happened. She then put me on the phone with the manager who had come out the day to remove my trees. I was trying to hold it together as best as I could. I can usually hide my emotions but when he was asking me what kind of oak tree it was I just lost it. I had no clue what kind of oak tree it was... a dead husband oak tree?! I still can't stop crying. I keep telling myself it's just a damn tree. They are going to come out and replace it and it'll probably look the same. But all I keep thinking is that my Michael tree is gone.
As I started to write this blog I started thinking about everything else I have held onto with a vice-like grip. His clothes, his books, his underwear, his cologne, his toothbrush, everything that Michael had - I can't let go of. I know that having those things don't make up for his absence and they're not him. It's just another thing that I can't let go of. I can't let go of him. I can't let go of the fact that technically I am no longer married. I can't let go of his belongings. I can't let go of the fact that I am still so in love with him. And I don't want to. Letting go, right now, isn't going to make me feel any better, it's not going to take my pain away. I know that maybe eventually, I'll have to or I'll want to. But right now I want to still hold on. I need to still hold on because there is nothing else to hold onto.