anger

I admit, I have been avoiding this blog like the plague. I haven’t wanted to write about what I have been feeling/going through because I haven’t wanted to deal with any of it. This blog has been one of my biggest sources of therapy and writing on it meant that I was a widow. That I had lost my husband. I have been hiding my grief by escaping - running away whenever being at home long enough started to feel uncomfortable. I fled to New York three times to be with my brother, California, Kansas, and Las Vegas. I have been trying my damnedest to act “normal” - whatever that means. All of this hiding and avoiding has been building and building. I have been getting angrier and angrier. Taking it out on other’s or simply pushing it aside just like I would push aside any other emotion associated with losing Michael. I thought that if I tried hard enough to try to pick up my life and act like I was ok, that I would really believe it, that I would feel ok. 

I have been noticing that I have been feeling angrier and madder more and more each day and I didn’t understand why. Today I finally broke down. Anger is not an emotion that I deal well with and it has been eating at me. I wanted to scream, break something, punch a wall. It was probably the maddest I have been in a looong time. I realized that it’s because I have been hiding from my grief. And maybe this intense anger is just another component of my grief. 

I miss my life with Michael. I miss everything about it - the good and the bad, the peaks and the valleys. I miss having my best friend. I miss the life we built together. I miss the future we had to look forward to. 

I feel like I have gotten so strong this past year and nine months but tonight, tonight I have crumbled into a weak, mad sobbing mess.