Thursday, August 18, 2011


I admit, I have been avoiding this blog like the plague. I haven’t wanted to write about what I have been feeling/going through because I haven’t wanted to deal with any of it. This blog has been one of my biggest sources of therapy and writing on it meant that I was a widow. That I had lost my husband. I have been hiding my grief by escaping - running away whenever being at home long enough started to feel uncomfortable. I fled to New York three times to be with my brother, California, Kansas, and Las Vegas. I have been trying my damnedest to act “normal” - whatever that means. All of this hiding and avoiding has been building and building. I have been getting angrier and angrier. Taking it out on other’s or simply pushing it aside just like I would push aside any other emotion associated with losing Michael. I thought that if I tried hard enough to try to pick up my life and act like I was ok, that I would really believe it, that I would feel ok. 
I have been noticing that I have been feeling angrier and madder more and more each day and I didn’t understand why. Today I finally broke down. Anger is not an emotion that I deal well with and it has been eating at me. I wanted to scream, break something, punch a wall. It was probably the maddest I have been in a looong time. I realized that it’s because I have been hiding from my grief. And maybe this intense anger is just another component of my grief. 
I miss my life with Michael. I miss everything about it - the good and the bad, the peaks and the valleys. I miss having my best friend. I miss the life we built together. I miss the future we had to look forward to. 
I feel like I have gotten so strong this past year and nine months but tonight, tonight I have crumbled into a weak, mad sobbing mess. 

1 comment:

  1. Love you, dude <3 This reminds me of one of my favorite emerson quotes:
    "I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the stern fact, the sad self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from."