1 year and 11 months

Lately, I have been having such an overwhelming need to write. I have noticed that when I need to write, it's typically when there is stuff going on - grief stuff. I have somehow been floating in between contentment and a weird sense of normalcy. I have school, school work, my new obsession with the gym, volunteering and worrying about graduate school to thank for my facade of happiness. 

However, the second anniversary of Michael's death is approaching much faster than I would like. It's almost like October 1st brought a wave of grief. All of a sudden, the temperature dropped, the delicious pumpkin spice has popped up everywhere, plans for Halloween are being formed, conversations about the holidays are floating around. 

All are reminders that in a month - it will be 2 years since the life I knew and loved ended. 

That facade has been slowly cracking and it's about to crumble. I have been experiencing so many flashbacks, it's unbelievable. 

Flashbacks of the moment I found out. 

The funeral.

Old friends who were there for me that have disappeared over the years.

Seeing my beautiful husband laying in a casket at the wake and not being able to look at him.

Screaming in the shower the morning after it all happened. 

Rushing through the hospital only to find out he was already transported to the medical examiner. 

I am starting to remember things that I couldn't remember for the past two years. It is absolutely crazy that it seems like it has been an eternity since I saw his face, touched his skin and kissed his lips but the hurt and the pain feels like it all happened just yesterday. 

And still, all I can think about.... is... why?