Last night in our apartment

Well it has been almost 10 days since my last post. I haven't had much to say. This past week has been a tough week for me. I flew back to San Diego on the 14th to finish things up here and close this chapter in my life. This is another one of those situations where I just do not want to let go. Where I am digging my nails in trying to resist the inevitable. Coming here means that the apartment, the home, Michael and I shared together will be no more. The place where our last kiss occurred will be packed up and some other young couple or family will move in here. We got very lucky with our apartment. The size, the amenities, the location is absolutely amazing for the cost of rent. But what is even more priceless is the friends we met here. The memories that were made. The tears we shed and the laughs we shared here. This apartment is one of the last things, besides my love and memories, that I shared with Michael and will be boxed up and shipped to Florida tomorrow. I have secretly broken down a few times today, know that this is my last full day here. The last minute running around and packing my things has taken my mind off of it for a while, but it still does not lessen the dread. I feel sick to my stomach almost every day. Just knowing that my life from here on out is nothing like what Michael and I had planned for.

One of Michael's hobbies was his salt water aquarium. Ever since I realized that I was moving I have been dumbfounded as to what the heck am I going to with the fish when it came to moving. My only option until now was to give the fishies back to the fish store that we bought everything from. I was hoping they would be nice enough to maybe send them to me once I had the aquarium all set up back in Florida. However, it could be over a month from now. I am not sure how long it is going to be until I get my stuff and it takes about a month to fully set up a salt water aquarium before you can put fishies in there. Soo anyway, the conclusion of my story is, I asked our next door neighbors and really good friends if they would like to keep the fish tank. They gladly accepted. I don't know who wouldn't. I am happy I came to that conclusion because 1, I was getting stressed over what I am I going to do with them and 2, I know they are going to a good home. Michael worked hard to put this tank together and it would be a shame to just watch it go down the drain, literally.

Well the clock is about to hit 11 pm. There are still other things I need to go before I head to bed and finish my last day here in our apartment. I went around the place, taking pictures of every room, everything that was Michael and I in this apartment. I focused a lot on the kitchen and living room, mainly because that's where we spent a lot of our time. I miss him so much. I miss him more and more each day. I love you so much Michael. No one will ever take your place.

ever thine, ever mine, ever ours

I have no words of my own today. Pain has taken over the majority of the numbness.

   Good morning, on July 7
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

     

                                                                                                 -Lugwig van Beethoven

memory

I remember the first you ever told me "I love you". It was the first time we dated, back when I was a senior and you were a little PFC :). You were home on recruiter's assistant leave in between MCT and MOS school. We went out one night, I cannot remember what it is that we did but all I remember is you dropping me off at my house. It was the house my mom and I lived in that was near our high school. We pulled up in the drive away and we said our goodbyes. I got out of the car and started walking towards the front door. You already had the window rolled down. That was how you drove, no matter the temperature outside. Before pulling away you lended out the window and said "Hey, I love you". I think you were nervous and surprised that you actually said it. We were only dating for maybe a week. I turned around, in shock, because I secretly felt the same way. I asked you if you were serious, you said that you were pretty sure you were. I leaned over to you through the window and kissed you and told you that I loved you too. I think I may have the exact date written in an old school planner. I would always write down the important events that happened while we dated. I miss you so much Michael. You brought so much joy and happiness in my life. I am confident that you will continue to do so from heaven. I promise I will love you for all eternity. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you Michael.

Broken Heart

My heart is broken into a million little pieces and there is not enough glue on this earth to put it back together. I have never felt so unbelievably alone before. I miss you so much Michael. If only I had that damn time machine, I would make this all go away. I just want you and only you. You are my dream come true. You are my home. You are my life. Without you here, my dreams are no more, I'm homeless and I have lost all hopes for my life. To my husband Michael, I love you eternally. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.

Ruined

The past couple of days have effin' sucked and I know this is just the beginning. I have been so numb since the very beginning and just now, almost 2 months in, I am getting little bit and pieces of the pain that lies beneath the numbness. It's hitting me hard. I've known this entire time that he has been gone, but it has only been recently that I have actually realized that my HUSBAND is the "d word". That he will never come home.

If it were not for some old fuckers poor judgement/vision/driving skills/whatever else, Michael would still be here. I blame nothing but that man. I cannot blame myself for asking Michael to feed the dogs, or the shop finishing up pt when they did, or the amount of time it took for us to say goodbye to each other that day, or for Michael riding his motorcycle. Michael was an amazing driver. I trusted him with my own life on that bike. He did everything he could have done to be safe. If it were not for that man, my husband would still be here and my life would not have been ruined.

People must not realize that because of this, my life is ruined. Michael's life was ruined. Our plans, our dreams, our physical love, initmacy, our life together, is ruined. I will no long have his companionship. My best friend is gone. When he left this earth he took me with him. I do not have the capacity to ever love someone like I love Michael. He took my happiness, my love, my heart, my future with him.

I keep saying to myself I would give anything and everything in this world just to be able to rewind time back to November 5th and just press pause. I would pause my life right at the part where Michael and I were laying in bed, about to go to sleep. The time that you spend together just talking before you commit to falling asleep. I was in his arms and at that point, there was nothing in this world that could have harmed me, I was safe. I miss that so much. I used to say that the greatest love of all, was the kind of love that can withstand being oceans apart for months on end. But now, unfortunately I know that the greatest, most true love of all is the type of love that can withstand being worlds apart. I can proudly say I know that love.

I know now that I truly have to take these times moment by moment. My brain is starting to work again and I am starting to feel again. And I hate it. The best way I have been able to describe the pain I feel is if you have read the Twilight Saga books. Corny, I know, but the author does a good way of describing how one would feel after losing a significant other. It was in the second book after Edward left Bella. It was the way the author described how Bella felt. If I had my books with me I would actually quote it for all you non-twilight readers. Once I go back to San Diego, I'll re-read the book and find what I want and put it on here.

This is all I have for today. Goodbye cruel world... until next time.

2010

So midnight came and went. I tried to act as if it were any normal midnight, nothing special. I gritted my teeth the entire way through it because I did not want to go into a new year without Michael with me. I do not want to leave him behind in 2009. I hate the fact that I have to live my life without him here with me. I guess at the same time though, I should not be so resistant because I will always have Michael with me. He will always be in my heart and no one can take that away from me. It's just the physical being of Michael, the time passing since the last time I had him in my arms. It has almost been 2 months since the accident and I feel like I am digging my nails into the ground. I don't want time to pass I want to hold onto Michael and I do not want to let go. I don't want to grow away from him. I want to be the same Allison that I was when I was with him. It's inevitable, time will go on, I as a person, will grow and I will come out on the other side of this.

I did have a good time last night though. I am back in Florida now so my mom and I spent time together, we went out to eat at her favorite sushi place, Toyko Bay. Then we went over to Michael's parent's house and we went across the street to the neighbor's. There was nothing but old people there but it was a good time. I drink and ate some good Jewish food (Eddie and Marylyn are Jewish). I tried to act as if nothing was wrong. I am actually quite good at that, I just act goofy. I try to silence my pain; I have always been the suffer-in-silence type anyhow. I did not tell anyone "happy new year" though. I couldn't. For me, it's not happy. 2009 was the best and worst year of my life. Michael was FINALLY home! We did not have to worry about any upcoming deployments, nothing. Our marriage was finally perfect, the way we wanted it. We were establishing our family with the cat and dogs. We were trying to build up our future. We were on the right track. That's why I always say "the sky was the limit for us", corny I know, but it was true. It was the happiest I had been in my entire life and I am confident to say that Michael felt the same as well. I am just so sad/hurt/angry that it ended so quickly. The last two months have been the worst two months of my life. And I am sure I wouldn't be wrong if I added more to it as time goes on.

Anyway, we went to church today. I feel so amazing when I go to church. I have never felt such a strong, good feeling before in church as I do now. I would always go through the motions and never actually commit myself to God, until now. I figured that if my husband has to be gone, then I need to believe that he is in a better place and that when it is my time to go, I better be going where Michael is. I need to know that one day, I will be with my husband again.

With that being said, I have made a few new years promises (not resolutions, because I can never commit to those), one being that I am going to finally have my first communion and get confirmed and commit my life to god. The second promise is that I am going to start running. Michael always wanted me to run with him and I never could. One day, I want to run in marathons in his name. I know he would be proud if I did that. The third promise is that I am going to put myself first. I am going to take care of me. Selfish, I know, but after going through something like this, I deserve it.

Anyway, back to today. After church we went to breakfast/lunch at First Watch. Then we went to visit Michael. His engraving on his spot looks amazing. I took pictures of it and I will post them as soon as I download the pictures. The engraving only needs one more thing, the Marine Corps emblem. Which I accidentally forgot in the last proofing of the engraving. It looks absolutely beautiful. It is always a reality check when I see his name on there. I go through out the day knowing that he is gone. But I guess I don't actually realize it because when I see his name on anything like that, ugh it feels so real and the pain sinks in and I turn into Allison's shell.

Well I hope everyone has a healthy new year.

I miss you Michael more than anything. Please keep watching over us. I love you till no end. Baby, no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.