Monday, January 4, 2010


The past couple of days have effin' sucked and I know this is just the beginning. I have been so numb since the very beginning and just now, almost 2 months in, I am getting little bit and pieces of the pain that lies beneath the numbness. It's hitting me hard. I've known this entire time that he has been gone, but it has only been recently that I have actually realized that my HUSBAND is the "d word". That he will never come home.

If it were not for some old fuckers poor judgement/vision/driving skills/whatever else, Michael would still be here. I blame nothing but that man. I cannot blame myself for asking Michael to feed the dogs, or the shop finishing up pt when they did, or the amount of time it took for us to say goodbye to each other that day, or for Michael riding his motorcycle. Michael was an amazing driver. I trusted him with my own life on that bike. He did everything he could have done to be safe. If it were not for that man, my husband would still be here and my life would not have been ruined.

People must not realize that because of this, my life is ruined. Michael's life was ruined. Our plans, our dreams, our physical love, initmacy, our life together, is ruined. I will no long have his companionship. My best friend is gone. When he left this earth he took me with him. I do not have the capacity to ever love someone like I love Michael. He took my happiness, my love, my heart, my future with him.

I keep saying to myself I would give anything and everything in this world just to be able to rewind time back to November 5th and just press pause. I would pause my life right at the part where Michael and I were laying in bed, about to go to sleep. The time that you spend together just talking before you commit to falling asleep. I was in his arms and at that point, there was nothing in this world that could have harmed me, I was safe. I miss that so much. I used to say that the greatest love of all, was the kind of love that can withstand being oceans apart for months on end. But now, unfortunately I know that the greatest, most true love of all is the type of love that can withstand being worlds apart. I can proudly say I know that love.

I know now that I truly have to take these times moment by moment. My brain is starting to work again and I am starting to feel again. And I hate it. The best way I have been able to describe the pain I feel is if you have read the Twilight Saga books. Corny, I know, but the author does a good way of describing how one would feel after losing a significant other. It was in the second book after Edward left Bella. It was the way the author described how Bella felt. If I had my books with me I would actually quote it for all you non-twilight readers. Once I go back to San Diego, I'll re-read the book and find what I want and put it on here.

This is all I have for today. Goodbye cruel world... until next time.

1 comment:

  1. Allison, I thought about you last night before I went to bed, and part of me really wished that I could grasp the kind of pain you are feeling, JUST so I could tell you what you needed to hear, so I could tell you it's all going to be okay, and mean it on a level that only you'd understand... and truthfully it made my head spin and my eyes tear up to even ponder what you are going through. I know there's nothing that anyone can do or say that can make your pain vanish- I'm just so so sorry this has happened to you, & Mike. I do believe with all of my heart that he is constantly watching over you, and that he has his hands wrapped tightly around you- all the time. Your pain is so real, and my heart completely breaks for you. I guess what I wanted to say is you have lots of people thinking about you and praying for you (I know you know that, but I wanted to say it again, just hoping you might find it reassuring right now). You are so brave to be admitting the well justified feelings you have inside. HUGS from my family to yours :)