you

Valentine's Day flowers

 

 

Oh how I wish I could be where you are. 

I love you Michael

Distractions

It seems like whenever there is a big event or holiday that comes up, there is something that happens that acts as a distraction and takes my mind away from the pain that I feel knowing that he is not going to come home.

Christmas: I was in Kansas and my step sister, who was pregnant with a beautiful baby girl, got very sick. The stomach virus started with me and then it was passed to her, then to my step-mom and then to my dad. On Christmas day Alexis got it really bad. So bad that going to the hospital was a requirement. So from 8 am until the afternoon we were in the hospital. I'm sorry Alexis, but thank goodness you were sick. By the time we got home, half of the day was already gone.

New Years: Nothing big happened. I went over with my in-laws to their neighbors and I was entertained by my sister-in-law actin a fool :)

My Birthday: Thank God for the AWP. It came at a time that I really needed something good to happen. The week before the getaway was the week I was back in San Diego to pack up our apartment. Besides the funeral and losing Michael, packing up our home was one of the hardest things for me to do. That was the last place that we were together. The last place we touched. The last place we kissed. And within half a day, it was packed up and placed neatly on a moving truck to be driven across the country. It was the night after I was packed up, when I got an email from Taryn, the founder of the AWP asking me to call her right away. So I did just that. She told me that someone had dropped out from the up coming getaway and that I was now able to come. I didn't realize until after I got off the phone with her that my birthday was that same weekend as our trip to Orlando. Those women did an amazing job of making my birthday special. That weekend gave me an amazing gift that I can never describe. I got an amazing wave of strength and sort of a push to continue going on and continue living for Michael.

Valentine's Day: Ok so Michael and I never were fans of vday. It is a Halmark made holiday and we both didn't think that you should just have one day that you celebrate love for one another. But we still did the cute typical vday things. Last year Michael got me a bouquet of the gorgeous roses. We also got our dog Koby. We had a picnic in Balboa park with Koby and went for a walk with our new addition while the sunset. It was an awesome day, definitely up there on my top 10 happiest days. This vday, I have a distraction as well. I am currently on an airplane flying to San Fransisco. My Grandma is slipping faster than expected. My grandma and I have not always been close, but I love her no matter what. I am so thankful for her, because without her my family wouldn't be here. I am so thankful that I am able to see her one last time. It is a difficult thing when dealing with these things. However, it is still a distraction. I'm not thankful for it and I wish it were something else that was happening.

I have some weird feeling that Michael is up there pulling some strings to make these things happen. Not a second goes by that my mind isn't on you. Some times I think I must be going crazy because there are times where I'll get this wave of warmth and peace come over my body and I think that he must be right there with me. Like I am in a scene from Ghosts (I think I only saw the movie once and I was little when I did see it) and Michael is right there. Right there at the brink of two words trying to comfort me when I need him the most. There will be times in the middle of the night where I will wake up and I feel this feeling and it so strong that I really think he is laying right next to me. Call me crazy but I feel like it is a gift. So today, I am going to bask in Michael's love and think of the times we spent together. I love you Michael. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.

Oh yeah

I am going back to California on Sunday.

Not to visit.

Not for fun.


But because my grandma is losing her battle to cancer much faster than what the doctors thought. I am making my last trip out there before I can no longer see her again. It seems like God keeps tacking it on. When can I wave my white flag and surrender? I can't take anymore. It is most definitely a different feeling. You are able to prepare for this type of lose. There is no preparation possible for losing your spouse so unexpectedly.

DABDA

DABDA...

Denial
Anger
Bargining
Depression
Acceptance

The five stages of grief. I learned about this while I was taking a CNA course the summer of 2008. We had to learn it because our main focus was taking care of the elderly and some day, a patient of ours might pass away. It was always made evident that once you finish with one stage, you quickly go into the other. They never tell you what it's really like. They don't include the different add-ins like the confusion and the inability to remember anything. They also don't include that you skip around. It doesn't go in a fluid progression from one into the other.

Denial... (BIG) check. Anger... check. Bargining... check. Depression... check. Acceptance......

I can't accept it. I still don't believe he is gone. I still feel like I am going to wake up from this nightmare and open my eyes to see him laying there next to me. I think about the life that we should have had. The life that was so close into grasp. We were going to be parents. We were going to have careers. Michael was going to be an Officer in the Marine Corps. We had an amazing life planned out for us. And a split second some ass hole takes it all away. Michael was HOME! He was SAFE!

I have said it hundreds of times before and I am sure I have even written it on here... When Michael was deployed, I held my breath. You always have it in the back of your head that anything is possible when they are fighting in a war. Every time my door bell rang or I had a knock on my door, I had a mini panic attack. That was the one thing you had to prepare for. But Michael came home. He came home twice. This last time was supposed to be the last time for a long time. He wasn't going to deploy with his unit at Miramar, he was going to stay home and run the shop until he was supposed to go to college. He had a guaranteed 5 years home. He was home and I was able to breathe. He was safe and nothing was supposed to happen to him.

I found myself the other day, being in the same turning situation as the man who hit Michael. I was making a left hand turn. I wasn't at a light. I found myself stairing at the traffic going in the opposite direction and I am just stairing in amazment because this man really did not care enough to pay attention. I could see all of these cars in plain view. How could he have not saw Michael?! Michael's bike was black and blue. He had a helmet on, which was also black and blue. He must have not looked. That one mistake look my husband's life and ruined mine.

I miss you Michael. My love for you is eternal.

Lately

About a week after the funeral, my dad, the researcher that he is, found an organization that focused its attention solely on military widows. The American Widow Project was founded by the amazing Taryn Davis after she was 21 and widowed. The American Widow Project allows other military widows to connect to one another and help threw a different process of healing. This past weekend I had the honor of being apart of a get-away. 12 women in total, all from different cities, states, all had different stories and backgrounds. But we all had one huge thing in common, we were (and still are) deeply in love with someone, but that love was interrupted by death. We all laughed, cried, and shared stories about our loved ones and through that, we were all able to grow and to heal a little from the loss that we feel. I was the newest widow. I do not know where I am at in this process called grieving, but I do know that this weekend has definitely made me stronger and I did get that push to continue to go on.

Another good thing that has happened is that I found a house! The house is perfect for what I need right now. 3 bedrooms, 2 bath, with a den, 1900 sq feet, move in ready and a huge back yard! I know that Michael would be so excited about it as well. Even though this is a good thing, I can't help but not to be saddened by it as well. Michael and I should be moving into this house together. I am not used to making these kind of decisions without him. I almost don't want this to happen, because I know I am moving forward with my life, without him. I hate this. I really do.

My birthday came and went. I was in Orlando with the ladies of the AWP for my birthday and they did an amazing job of celebrating my birthday. I really appericate all that they did. This was a day I didn't want to come. Here I go... referencing Twilight again, but I feel like Bella, when she was growing older, but Edward was stuck at 17. I don't want to be older than Michael. I know that day will come when I will be 24 and he will be stuck at 23. It sucks that something as simple as an age and growing older can be so painful. I know I have always said this, but I wish that life came with a remote control, that way I could just press pause at those times that I never want to leave, or rewind to get back to a good part. If time travel were actually a real thing, I would be the happiest girl alive!

The risk of love is loss,

and the price of loss is grief

but the pain of grief

is only a shadow

when compared with the pain

of never risking love