Long time no post. I am writing this blog post from my iPhone so please excuse any typos or confusing grammar. I am currently in Kansas visiting my dad and all of my siblings are here. 6 of us total. I haven't had much time to myself to write let alone think. Which is a good thing.
Yesterday was the 6th. That makes it 9 months. Damn. I could have had a baby by now. 9 months is long but in the grand scheme of things it's only a drop in the ocean. It still blows my mind.
Today my dad, step mom and I drove to Oklahoma City to meet Michael's best friend Travis. He lives in Dallas so it was a perfect meeting point - half way in between Wichita and Dallas. It was so good to see a familiar face from my old life. I must admit though, it's so odd hanging out with Michael's friends without Michael around. It just reminded me that everything I once knew is gone. That nothing will be the same.
I long so desperately to hold a hand. To be told "I love you" from someone other than family. To kiss. To feel comfortable. To smile at someone. To feel like I have a future. But not just with anyone. I want this person to be Michael. I would kill for it to be Michael. We had it all figured out and in a split second it was gone and over.
Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about Michael. The contents vary from babies to second weddings to Michael dying again. I love dreaming about him. I love that in my dreams I get to see him and feel him again but at the same time I feel like it's a tease. He's gone but I get to meet him for the night. It's not fair. I almost want the dreams to stop because they hurt just as much as they feel good. I either want to wake up from this horrible dream or go back into my dream world and live with Michael forever.
Ugh. 9 months.
Michael's birthday is at the end of this month. I want to do something but I'm not sure what to do. Suggestions are welcome.
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