Saturday, August 7, 2010


Long time no post. I am writing this blog post from my iPhone so please excuse any typos or confusing grammar. I am currently in Kansas visiting my dad and all of my siblings are here. 6 of us total. I haven't had much time to myself to write let alone think. Which is a good thing.

Yesterday was the 6th. That makes it 9 months. Damn. I could have had a baby by now. 9 months is long but in the grand scheme of things it's only a drop in the ocean. It still blows my mind.

Today my dad, step mom and I drove to Oklahoma City to meet Michael's best friend Travis. He lives in Dallas so it was a perfect meeting point - half way in between Wichita and Dallas. It was so good to see a familiar face from my old life. I must admit though, it's so odd hanging out with Michael's friends without Michael around. It just reminded me that everything I once knew is gone. That nothing will be the same.

I long so desperately to hold a hand. To be told "I love you" from someone other than family. To kiss. To feel comfortable. To smile at someone. To feel like I have a future. But not just with anyone. I want this person to be Michael. I would kill for it to be Michael. We had it all figured out and in a split second it was gone and over.

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about Michael. The contents vary from babies to second weddings to Michael dying again. I love dreaming about him. I love that in my dreams I get to see him and feel him again but at the same time I feel like it's a tease. He's gone but I get to meet him for the night. It's not fair. I almost want the dreams to stop because they hurt just as much as they feel good. I either want to wake up from this horrible dream or go back into my dream world and live with Michael forever.

Ugh. 9 months.

Michael's birthday is at the end of this month. I want to do something but I'm not sure what to do. Suggestions are welcome.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

1 comment:

  1. I just had to comment. I was looking around the internet for other motorcycle widows and found your blog. My husband was killed last October, 10 months yesterday. I am sure you understand the journey of devastation and pain that is occurring. My husbands birthday was 2 months after he died and I couldn't face it. I ran away. I went to my favorite spot with our baby son and cried all weekend, trying to not walk into the lake and drown my sorrows forever. If you feel up to it, do something nice for yourself on his birthday. My counselor taught me that I needed to nurture myself. Also, I thought it was strange when Life house came on as soon as I came on to this blog. That was our song and how he felt about me. ((((HUGS)))