reality sucks

It really does. Just when I think I have a handle on my grief, reality comes and bites me in the ass. I realize all over again, that I really don't have a handle on anything and that Michael is really gone. Sometimes I get complacent in my bubble of numbness and I just absent mindedly (is that a word?) think that Michael is at work or he's deployed. It's only when I really think and really connect the dots together that I realize that Michael is dead. He died.

In the beginning, all I wanted to do was look at pictures of him, stair into his eyes because that's what got me through. That's what comforted me. Now, when I look at pictures I see the happiness and love that we shared and I realized that we will never physically share that again because Michael is dead, he is gone. Then it starts all over again the hot iron is stabbed through my chest, the shortness of breathe and the tears.

Last Friday was just a baddd day. I had truly felt as if I had taken one step forward and then reality pushed me 5 steps backward. I was driving to FGCU for my orientation. Traffic was sort of heavy because I pass by a school where kids are being dropped off. Out of nowhere, I see a white hearse. Just like the one that transported Michael from the airport to the funeral home to the church and then back to the cemetery. I automatically had flash backs from all of those scenarios. Going to the airport at night and going out onto the tarmac to watch his casket being taken off the airplane. It was so cold that night and I had a long black dress on that didn't help. I remember thinking that I should have been on that plane with him. I should have been there to escort him home. I remembered riding behind the hearse on the way to the cemetery after the funeral. I didn't cry at the funeral. I took a heavy dose of xanax and I was completely numb. I got up and gave the eulogy and didn't cry. But on the way to the cemetery riding behind my husband something inside me snapped and I was hysterical. The xanax was wearing off and I was feeling it more than ever. It all hit me like a tidal wave of emotion, all of those memories came fleeting back. It was just as painful remembering as it was to live during that time.

Then as I was sitting at orientation, I realized that this is another chapter that I am beginning without Michael. I will be graduating from this school soon (maybe the end of next year if all things go as planned) and Michael won't be in the audience. He won't be there to help me study for exams, go over flash cards with me. He won't be there to read over my papers. He won't call in between classes. I am embarking on this alone. I am finishing something that we started together, and he won't be here to see me through. It was a struggle to hold it together in a room full of strangers.

Then that afternoon, my brother came and visited me from Miami and we went to go see the new Harry Potter movie. Michael loved Harry Potter. He read all of the books and saw all of the movies. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was the last book Michael read and he wanted to see the movie soooo bad. I remember we went and saw the Half-Blood Prince together last year (YAY! I still get to say "last year"!!) and we were wondering if the next book would be split into two movies. I saw the preview for the movie a couple of times before and every time I saw it, I started to cry. How is it fair that I will be watching a movie that Michael wanted to see so bad? How is this movie here, but my husband isn't? Before the movie started I told my brother that Michael really wanted to see this movie and he replied "You know he's here watching it with us". I have a really good brother. Him saying that meant a lot to me.

It's just been a struggle since last Friday. I feel like I am a million years old. Having all of those feelings and memories come back bring along Mr. Depression and his sidekick Anxiety. Ohh and how I hate those two!