Friday, November 5, 2010


I have been wanting to write, but I don't know how. I can't seem to form the words to express what I am feeling or what I am going through. I guess you could say I am speechless.

I never thought I would get to this point. I never thought I would make it to a year without him. If you would have asked me while Michael was deployed if I could make it a year with no communication, no new pictures, nothing at all from him, I probably would have punched you in the face for thinking of something so ludicrous. I would not have been able to do it. I could barely do it then when I had the phone calls, emails, and skype sessions. Now I am amazed that tomorrow, it will be a year. With nothing at all but the pictures that I already have and the dreams that I have been blessed with.

Part of me wants to scream and cry and curse the universe for Michael being gone. But I know that will do nothing at all. I know no matter how many tears I cry, no matter how many times I tell myself that this can't be real, it will do nothing to better the situation. I can't beg and plead with God to give him back. I know it won't happen. So what can I do?

I have no clue. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to write, because I don't even know what to think myself.

I just remember the days following the accident, saying that this couldn't have happened. Michael was safe. He had a helmet on and helmets and supposed to save lives. He took 3 drivers safety courses. We were supposed to have 5 uninterrupted years together. He wasn't deployed! He was home and he was safe! This couldn't have happened. I still catch myself saying that. I did it the other day. Maybe it's just my brain trying to process everything. Because I still don't believe it.

I just want him back. Life is most definitely not fair.



  1. Huge bear HUGS!! Love you girl!!

  2. You are unfortunately right; life isn't fair. I wish this hadn't happened to you. I wish these type of things never happened to anyone... ((hugs))

  3. I have been thinking about you and Michael all week and have not known really what to say. It was so hard hitting the year mark, and then having to go into two years without Frankie. Just know that you have all of us loving you and thinking about you and Michael and your family. But most of all, the love you and Michael have will always get you through.

    "There is a comfort in the strength of love; 'Twill make a thing endurable, which else would overset the brain, or break the heart."
    — William Wordsworth

    Love you lady!

  4. i gave u an award! please stop by and pick it up :)