world of hurt

Yesterday, my family and I received horrible news. 

My brother's best friend, the love of his life, took his life.

I would never wish this life on anyone, especially any of my family members. 

My brother is absolutely heart broken and distraught. 

We were all taken by surprise.

And it's really hard to even believe. 

My brother's boyfriend was like a little brother to me. 

I loved him so much. 

He made my brother happy. 

We will never understand why this happened. 

But it is just a reminder that life is so short 

and so precious 

and to tell those who matter most how much you love them.

 You will always be loved and missed

<3 JLB <3

Due to the sensitive nature of the situation, please only send prayers and words of encouragement. We are all hurting very much.

Valentine's Day, Smalentine's Day

Man oh man.
There's nothing more that I hate than a stupid made up holiday.
Oh wait. I do hate something more.
I hate the stupid made up holiday that makes me feel even more alone than I possibly could.
It's like adding fucking insult to injury.

This year, will officially be my second year without Michael.
I am still deciding what's worse,
being on a plane to go saw goodbye to my dying grandmother
or having to go a group project presentation and then going home to be alone?
I would have to say, I have definitely shed more tears this year.

I have always had a particular disdain for Valentine's Day.
Why have one special day to tell to tell those who are most important that you love them?
Michael and I didn't really care for Valentine's Day.
But we would partake in the festivities, sort of.
And I have to admit, it was really nice having someone to spend it with.
Even if it is a stupid made up holiday.

The last Valentine's day that we spent together.
Was amazing.
Michael got me roses.
I got him dark chocolate, pajama pants, and a new hoodie.
I loved to spoil him.

We decided that we would add to our little family of three.
We went to a dog rescue meet up to look at pups.
We looked and looked and we didn't find any dogs that suited us.
That was until we reached the last booth.
And there he was.

We adopted Koby on Valentine's Day, 2009.
That afternoon we took our pup to our favorite park to have a picnic.
We played with him, people complimented us on our beautiful dog, went for a walk.
The day was perfect.

It feels like then and now are worlds away.
The only things we had to worry about then was learning our new dog wasn't potty trained and figuring out how to decorate our new apartment.
Things are completely and utterly different now.
I would much rather spend this stupid holiday with my husband and our pup than a.l.o.n.e.

it's not how he died...

...that made him a hero,

but how he 

LIVED.

From the beginning I said that this was not how Michael was supposed to die. If he was going to die young, it should have been over there. Not here, and not at the mercy of an 81 year old man. I worried that people wouldn't see him for what he really is, a hero. I constantly found myself saying to people "but he served two whole years in Iraq".  Two years that contained a few close calls, but as we soon found out, God had other plans. 

I fear that people think that Michael died in vain. I assure you he did not. His death did mean something. It meant a lot to so many people. In the aftermath, so many people came forth to testify what Michael meant to them and the out pour of love and admiration for my husband was absolutely breathtaking-astonishing-overwhelming! Michael's energy and love for life touched everyone he came across. Michael was an outstanding Marine. During one the eulogies at his memorial service on MCAS Miramar, it was either his gunny or his commanding officer, said that Michael was the type of Marine that everyone fought to have work for them. Michael has inspired me in so many ways. If I am stuck in a difficult situation, I always sit back and think "how would Michael handle this", and I typically do it his way.

So it's really not the way that he died. He didn't have that choice. He didn't get to have a talk with God before it happened to suggest where he would have liked to be killed. It's how he lived, how he treated others, how he served his country, how he loved, and how he is remember today that makes him a hero.

Oh! And I got my necklace made custom from this etsy shop.

 R&R
August 2008