Why did it slip my mind? Did I forget? Am I too busy to notice the passage of time?

On May 12th, it will be our fourth wedding anniversary. It didn't even occur to me until the other day that in less than a month, it will be four years since we said "I do". Four whole years. I am going up to NYC to visit my brother during that time and when I was making my arrangements it didn't even pop into my mind that I will be there for our anniversary. Last year I was so focused on that day and what I would do and how I would remember our commitment to each other. I spent months obsessing over it turning to make that whole week surrounding the day perfect.

I have to admit though, I have been extremely busy. So busy that I didn't even realize that it was April already, let alone almost the end of April. School and family life has really been consuming my time and maybe that's a good thing. I have been going through the motions just focusing on what I have in front of me and maybe right now, that's what I need.

But I still feel absolutely horrible for not even realizing it, for letting it slip my mind. That day was huge for us, even though our ceremony was small, it was still perfect. I just don't understand how I could have realized how soon it was and how fast it is approaching.

Nevertheless, I will be spending it with the best of company - my brother and best friend! And we will be in the best city! So I am sure we will make the most of it.

brothers:

You know that movie Brothers.
With Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman, and Tobey Maguire.
The story of the husband that is deployed to Afghanistan
and the Marines think he was killed
so they notified his wife and children that he’s dead
and his low life brother
hangs around the wife and kids
doing things around the house
being a father figure for the kids
and a companion for the wife.
But the husband was only captured
and then found
then returned home
only to figure out that his wife and brother have started a maybe relationship.

 Michael got to meet Tobey when he was training for this particular role

Well I had a dream very similar to the plot line of this movie.

Michael’s death didn’t actually occur
but everyone thought it did.
He was deployed or something and then he disappeared
so they notified me that he died.
We had a funeral and everything.

Fast forward to two years after his death
and I’m in a relationship with a close friend of his.
I’m not sure which friend this was,
but I just know they were close,
practically brothers.
I was very much so in love
with both of them.

Out of no where,
Michael comes home.
And I am torn in between his best friend: my boyfriend
and my supposedly dead husband.

I couldn’t make a decision.
I wanted both of them.

Then I woke up.
I hadn’t dreamed of Michael in such a long time.
This was probably one of the worst ones yet.

when does it stop?

Even after a year and a half without him
I am still caught off guard.
My mind will wonder
to the day, the very moment, when I got that phone call

"Allison, Michael died in an accident"

And for a couple of minutes I can't breathe.
And tears just stream down.
And it still hurts just as bad as the day it happened.
Like a fire in my chest that causes my blood to burn my veins.
I immediately question
Why us?
Why him?
Why me?

Does this feeling ever go away?
Or fade?
I don't know if I am looking for an answer
because everyone is different.
I guess I'm just tired of hurting.
And I want to be ok.
If that's even a possibility.

I just want to be

HAPPY!

Is that so fucking hard to ask for?!

I've been through hell

And now, slowly but surely, I am on my way back. I haven’t written lately because simply put, I haven’t needed to. I haven’t been holding onto anything. I haven’t had that want or need to write. I have been crazy busy with school and family. The semester is almost over and I will be so happy once it is. It has taken a lot for me to continue on with school, but it’s my way to focus my attention on something else.

I’ve been in a good place recently. The good days have been out numbering the bad. I have been trying to stay positive and focus on the good things. It’s a hard task to do especially when focusing on the bad has been so comfortable and easy for me. Even though it feels so good to be content where I am, I still feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being sad all the time. I feel guilty for experiencing things when Michael will never have the chance to. I feel guilty for putting myself out there and not retreating to my bed all the time. But over all it does feel ok where I am at.

Sometimes I trick myself though. Just when I feel like everything is smooth sailing and I get into a sense of normalcy, something happens and I feel like I have been knocked off my feet and I am reminded that I am still in the midst of my grief and pain of losing Michael. Yesterday was one of those days. I was reminded of how much I have lost and how much I have gone through since he was killed. And I realized just how much I missed him and missed my life before this all happened. I still would give anything just to have him back for a minute. I realized how much I don’t want this life. I never asked for it! I got married with the very best intentions - spending the rest of MY life with my soulmate. And that is something that I am struggling with to let go.

Sometimes I am able to let it go for a little bit, a least I think I am able to. I am able to set new goals for myself and envision a future that does not involve Michael. Figure out how my life, now, is supposed to look. But when I realize what it is that I am doing - seeing a future without Michael, I go straight back to square one - wanting to spend the rest of MY life with Michael.

I have never talked about dating or even having the urge to be with someone else on here, except my opposition to the whole thought. In the beginning, after Michael died, everyone told me that I would find love again. They told me that I was young and I still had plenty of time to start another relationship. A day after your husband dies, that’s the last thing you want to hear. You can’t even get it though your head that they are never coming home, let alone dating someone else. I was obstinate to the very thought and I wanted to go against what everyone was telling me. There was no way I could ever see myself kissing, dating, loving someone else. However I’m at that point, where I think that maybe just maybe I could entertain the idea of letting someone else in. To be frank, I’m lonely. I miss holding someone’s hand. I miss going out to dinner or to the movies with someone else besides friends or family. I miss sleeping next to someone. I miss having someone to tell all my secrets and worries to. I miss having a person. With that said, I am not going out on the prowl, looking for anyone. But if the opportunity comes around, I will be open to considering. Because the Beatles said it best “one is the loneliest number there will ever be”... and I completely agree with them.
It’s scary as hell, but I don’t want to let the fear of something bad happened or getting my heart broken keep me back from living anymore. I have been afraid of life for long enough now. I need  to live and I can’t do that without taking risks or chances. I don’t want to let that fear hold me back or keep me from experiencing new things or making new memories. So this is me, telling the fear to fuck off.

So that’s sort of where I am at right now. I know I have definitely come a long way in the past (almost) year and a half. I can honestly say that I am proud of the work I have done and everything I have accomplished.