Monday, April 4, 2011

I've been through hell

And now, slowly but surely, I am on my way back. I haven’t written lately because simply put, I haven’t needed to. I haven’t been holding onto anything. I haven’t had that want or need to write. I have been crazy busy with school and family. The semester is almost over and I will be so happy once it is. It has taken a lot for me to continue on with school, but it’s my way to focus my attention on something else.

I’ve been in a good place recently. The good days have been out numbering the bad. I have been trying to stay positive and focus on the good things. It’s a hard task to do especially when focusing on the bad has been so comfortable and easy for me. Even though it feels so good to be content where I am, I still feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being sad all the time. I feel guilty for experiencing things when Michael will never have the chance to. I feel guilty for putting myself out there and not retreating to my bed all the time. But over all it does feel ok where I am at.

Sometimes I trick myself though. Just when I feel like everything is smooth sailing and I get into a sense of normalcy, something happens and I feel like I have been knocked off my feet and I am reminded that I am still in the midst of my grief and pain of losing Michael. Yesterday was one of those days. I was reminded of how much I have lost and how much I have gone through since he was killed. And I realized just how much I missed him and missed my life before this all happened. I still would give anything just to have him back for a minute. I realized how much I don’t want this life. I never asked for it! I got married with the very best intentions - spending the rest of MY life with my soulmate. And that is something that I am struggling with to let go.

Sometimes I am able to let it go for a little bit, a least I think I am able to. I am able to set new goals for myself and envision a future that does not involve Michael. Figure out how my life, now, is supposed to look. But when I realize what it is that I am doing - seeing a future without Michael, I go straight back to square one - wanting to spend the rest of MY life with Michael.

I have never talked about dating or even having the urge to be with someone else on here, except my opposition to the whole thought. In the beginning, after Michael died, everyone told me that I would find love again. They told me that I was young and I still had plenty of time to start another relationship. A day after your husband dies, that’s the last thing you want to hear. You can’t even get it though your head that they are never coming home, let alone dating someone else. I was obstinate to the very thought and I wanted to go against what everyone was telling me. There was no way I could ever see myself kissing, dating, loving someone else. However I’m at that point, where I think that maybe just maybe I could entertain the idea of letting someone else in. To be frank, I’m lonely. I miss holding someone’s hand. I miss going out to dinner or to the movies with someone else besides friends or family. I miss sleeping next to someone. I miss having someone to tell all my secrets and worries to. I miss having a person. With that said, I am not going out on the prowl, looking for anyone. But if the opportunity comes around, I will be open to considering. Because the Beatles said it best “one is the loneliest number there will ever be”... and I completely agree with them.
It’s scary as hell, but I don’t want to let the fear of something bad happened or getting my heart broken keep me back from living anymore. I have been afraid of life for long enough now. I need  to live and I can’t do that without taking risks or chances. I don’t want to let that fear hold me back or keep me from experiencing new things or making new memories. So this is me, telling the fear to fuck off.

So that’s sort of where I am at right now. I know I have definitely come a long way in the past (almost) year and a half. I can honestly say that I am proud of the work I have done and everything I have accomplished.



  1. I'm soo happy to hear that the good days are finally outdoing the bad! I knew you would get to this place, and though you have it will still be tough, but you can do this! We've made it this far, what's a little further!? Keep that pretty head up!! LOVE YOU!! :)

  2. I love you little girl. Beautifully written :)

  3. very well written post! love you!

  4. I'm so happy to hear you are doing well. I was wondering how you have been. You have come a long way. I've said it before... you are a strong woman and you continue to show your strength by everything you do.

  5. Testament to an amazing love, an amazing man, and the resilient heart and soul you have....go get it girl !!!! So proud to have you as a friend. xoxo

  6. You have let yourself grieve so now i hope you let yourself love again, your husband would want that for you. It sounds like you are on the right path to healing.