Seriously. I could care less about Christmas this year. Yes, I am celebrating the birth of our savor, Jesus Christ, but besides that, I could care less about presents, trees, lights, songs, shopping, or santa. My heart is broken and there really isn't any room in the pieces for Christmas. Michael and I were supposed to spend Christmas alone this year. This was going to be the first Christmas together that we did not have to travel, no worrying about getting up at the crack of dawn to catch flights, no packing, nothing. Just us with our boys and girl. I want that time back and I am angry that I will never have it.
I am in Kansas right now visiting my dad, step-mom, and brothers and sisters. It's a good way to take my mind off things. My sister Alexis is about 8 1/2 months pregnant and I am so proud of her. She is giving her baby girl up for adoption to a very loving couple who lives in New York City. I am so proud of her because she realized that she would not be able to give her child a good life in the situation is she is: a college girl with no significant other. Out of this crappy situation, she is bringing this couple so much joy and happiness. I really am so proud of her.
I have been thinking a lot about Michael and him being a father. I have always had visions of him holding our baby after it was born and seeing him beaming from ear to ear with tears in his eyes. He was going to be an amazing father. I am not going to lie, I thought I was pregnant after the accident and the odds were in my favor. But I'm not. I figured it would be fine either way. But I was hoping that I really was pregnant. Michael will never have the chance to be a dad. There are so many things that make me so angry! He was not supposed to die!
I had a dream last night about Michael. In this dream I was concerned because Michael was on deployment to Iraq and he did not call me for about two to three weeks. I had gotten a call from the FRO (family readiness officer) saying that Michael was hurt, but he was ok. For some reason, in this dream I wasn't really too worried though. I did not know about the seriousness of his injuries. I was just patient about getting a phone call from him, eventually. Which is actually weird because I know for a fact, in that case I would not be patient. Anyway, back to the dream, out of the blue, Michael comes home. I was so happy to see him and I found out that his injuries really were not all that bad. At first I thought that he was deaf because he was trying to talk to me but he couldn't. Then I found out that his legs went paralyzed because he sat on the toilet for too long (which does not surprise me, Michael would do something like that) but he was fine. No physical injuries that I could see. That was it. That was my dream. Nothing about living happily ever after. I don't know if he stayed with me after he came home.
Lately I have been feeling sort of upset and down in the dumps because many other people have had these significant dreams about Michael. Almost like Michael reached out to them from Heaven to let them know that he was ok. I'm just jealous I guess because I am his wife, the love of his life. If he was able to reach out to other people to give them messages, then why wouldn't he reach out to me? I just miss Michael. More than he will ever know.
No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.