dream

I had a dream last night. I have been dreaming a lot lately. It may have been because I was sleeping in a new location. I don't know, but when I am home, I tend not to dream, or if I do, I don't remember them really.

Anyway, I had a dream about Michael. In my dream I got a phone call from him. Like how I used to when he was in Iraq. When my phone rang I looked at it and it had a strange number. I normally don't pick up weird unknown numbers but I picked up this one. It was Michael. It felt like he was calling from Iraq but I knew he was gone. I knew that he was no longer here anymore. Heaven must have installed a bunch of satellite phone or something. But we talked. I don't remember the details of our conversation but I just remember us telling each other how much we loved one another and how much we missed each other. In my dream I was dancing around my room, like I used to when he would call from over there. I remember thinking to myself that I was the luckiest girl in the world - I was able to talk to my dead husband! I asked him if this would happen often or if it was just a rare treat to be able to hear from him. He said no, that it would happen often and the he was a tester or something to see how the phones worked and if they worked well enough then everyone would be using them soon. I didn't want to hang up with him but I knew he had to go. I was ok with hanging up because I knew he would call again.

Then I woke up. This dream makes me so happy but so sad at the same time. How can you be two emotions at the same time? I am happy that finally I had another dream about him. I have been waiting, begging, pleading to dream about him and finally I do! But I am so sad because when I woke up I felt like he was still here. Like he never really died. Like he was going to come back again. Then reality came crashing back down and I realized that there is no way that Michael will ever come back. Heaven doesn't just grant you a visitors pass to come back home. I don't want this to be it. I don't want it to be that 6 months ago was the last time I talked to him. And time will only go on. Soon it will be 7 months, then 10, and then a year! Soon it will be one whole year since I have spoken to my husband. I don't want this reality. I want to live in that dream forever because if he has to be dead, then I still want some way that I can just talk to him.

I hate my brain.