one week

I went to sleep last night thinking, that when I wake up, it will be exactly one week until the one year mark. I don't know what to think of it.
I am incredibly saddened that it's going to be one year since Michael was killed.
I am angry/sad/heartbroken that it will be 365 days since I have actually seen his face. Alive. Breathing.
Words cannot describe how the pain feels.
It's breath taking. Not in a good way.
It encompasses all of my thoughts.
Most times it knocks me off my feet and I can do nothing but crawl into the fetal position and hope to God that it is taken away.

I am proud of myself at the same time though.
I can say that I survived the first year without Michael.
I did not allow the man who killed Michael to take another life. My own.
I met some of the most amazing women that I never would have met if my situation were different.
I know who my true friends are. Which for as much as I have been hurt by finding out, I am thankful for it.

I would give everything up just to have 5 minutes with him.
I miss Michael so much. I never knew I could miss a person as much as I miss Michael.
My whole body aches for him.
But, I still do get to meet him in my dreams.
I have been so lucky to have so many vivid dreams with him.
I feel him and his love around me all the time.
Those are the things I hold onto.
That get me from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.

But it still does not take away the hurt and pain. I don't think anything will.