Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Long time no post. I have decided that during this month, the last month that Michael was alive, I shouldn't spend much time at home. Because when I stay at home for too long, I dig myself into such a deep depression hole, not much can get me out of it. And especially this month, I don't want to give myself too much alone time.

The first week of October, I went with my sister to Manhattan. Five years ago, after I graduated high school, we went up there for a 4 day weekend. That trip was one of the best trips I had ever taken. We had such a good time, we did what we wanted and it was the first trip with my sister as adults, so that meant we both got along really well.

Leah and I on Canal Street in 2005

This trip was a little different. Yes, we had a good time. Yes, we got along. Yes, we did what we wanted. But it was different. I couldn't help but to compare my life now to the life I had five years ago. For the majority of the past five years, things have played out the way I expected them to. Except death got in the way. I shutter at the thought of another five years. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Will I even be alive then? Thoughts like that are never good because the only thing I can see when I think of five years from now is a black hole.

 First taxi ride in the city
 Central Park
We even went to go see Wicked. Which is awesome btw :)

This past week I was in Dallas, TX visiting friends of ours from the Marine Corps. These guys are like my brothers and they both recently got out of the Marines and have moved to Texas. When we were stationed at Camp Pendleton, you would most likely see one of these guys at our house. It was nice to just relax and hang out with friends who have stuck it out with me. But that the same time it was strange. Michael wasn't there. When ever we would hang out before everything happened, Michael would obviously be there too. It was like I was missing half of my whole. I didn't like it. I tried to make those feelings go away, but it was hard to hide them. I did enjoy though just sitting back and listening to them talk about the Marines and military stuff. I would jump in time to time and I was so surprised at how much I actually remembered. It was good to realize that that stuff isn't gone, it's just stored away because it's not likely that I am around Marines anymore.

Now I'm home. Dreading the upcoming weeks that are leading up to the one year mark. I have no idea how that day will be. How to even approach it. I have been having anxiety about this day ever since the day everything happened. So if you have any suggestions on what to do or stories of hitting your one year mark, please comment, email, facebook, whatever! I just need to know what to do!



  1. No suggestions, but I have been thinking about you lately. I was thinking the other day that one year had almost passed. Always in my prayers. I hope you find something fun, and amazing to do. You deserve it.

  2. Oh the 1 year mark, such a bitch it is. I remember that I didn't want to be around people much that day. It was a perfect day outside, but in my world it was a disaster. Everyone tried to get me to do things but I just wanted to be alone. I spent most of my day laying in the grass on Dan's grave. I did a lot of crying that day. I would say do what will make you the most comfortable. It's going to be a tough day, so make sure you are in a place you want to be. If you need anything just let me know! Love you girl!!

  3. Hi Allison, I just wanted to say that I admire you so much. I'm also a Marine Wife. I came across your blog so I am following you & have read every blog you have written since the beginning of this different journey that you have embarked on. I know what it is to lose a loved one. I lost 4 important people in my life on the same exact day. Two wks before I lost my father, lil brother, maternal grandmother, and aunt on vacation, I lost my father's mother. This all happened in the summer of 97' along with my best friend passing away in May of that same yr. It's hard believe me, I don't know what it is to lose your husband but it's still hard none the less. I love reading your blogs and I suggest you go do something that you & Michael loved doing together to remember him on that 1 yr mark. If you need to cry, scream, not talk to anyone just do it. Do whatever makes you feel a lil better that day. Even though I don't actually know you, I wish you the best in everything you do.

  4. Hang in there Allison! I know it's such a dreadfull feeling knowing what is coming but you have made Michael proud for the last 11 months and you will continue to do so, no matter what day it is. Love you, friend!

  5. You are always more than welcome to come visit me in Kentucky ;)

    I promise you the 1 year mark will be rough but it won't be nearly as hard as you are building it up to me.