24

The day that I turn 24 is fast approaching.
It's probably one of the most dreaded days for me this year so far.
I will be turning an age that Michael will never be able to experience.

Although I have been older than him for a little while.
He was about 6 months old than I am, but I don't know the exact day it happened where I surpassed his age.
But on Monday, I will officially be a year older than him.

Little ol' naive me used to think that I would never be older than Michael.
It never occurred to me that he would die young and forever be 23.
And I would continue on and age without him by my side.

This all brings me back to the question, "Why us?" "Why him?" "Why not me?".
I feel like if the tables were turned and it was me and not him, he would be much better at this whole life thing.
It's not fair. At all.

It's just another reminder that he isn't here anymore.
And he never will be.

mush

I have writers block. But I'm not a writer.
I have come to a point where I am at a loss for words.
I can't seem to think straight so therefore, nothing to write about.

Sometimes I feel really passionate about writing something.
I'll have an idea, sentences, or a theme stuck in my head all day.
And it is absolutely imperative that I write something.
But lately it seems like everything I come up with or think about, is just something that I have already written about. (I'm pretty sure I have written about this as well).
Or I come up with nothing at all.

My head is such a mush that I actually have a headache from trying to sort through it all.
I guess it has been an emotionally draining day.
I don't know.

Shit still sucks. And it still feels like it happened yesterday.

backwards.

Lately I have been trying to assess where I'm at.
In my grieving process.
I do this every few months or so.
Sometimes I feel like I have made leaps and bounds.
Like I'm getting better.
Getting a grasp on things.

Sometimes I feel like I have gotten no where.
Like I am at square one. (is that even a saying? I have no clue but it sounds appropriate)
Like it happened yesterday.

Lately, it feels like it happened just yesterday.
Like I am just finding out the news.
And my world is flipped upside down.

It doesn't feel like it has been 441 days, 14 hours and 22 minutes since Michael took his last breath.
(reading that is actually shocking)
As of right now, I can't say that I have gotten any better.
I feel as if I have only gone backwards.

For all of you that say it gets better over time.
It doesn't.

oh the horror!

This week I started school, again. This is the 3rd school (and hopefully final) that I have transfered to. With moving back to Fort Myers after everything happened, school choices were limited. Really my only choice was to start going to Florida Gulf Coast University (FGCU). I really dreaded going here because it's not known for being a really good school. It's nothing like SDSU. It kind of makes me sad, but in a way, it's my only choice. And I did choose to move back here, no one forced me... sort of. I was going to wait to blog about my first week until the end of the week, but so far this week has been a joke. No really. A huge joke.

Day One - My first class was at 2. Which was fine, not a big deal, I usually like to take morning classes to get everything out of the way. But my choices of classes to take were limited since I registered later than most people. I knew I would run into people that I knew from my past. It's inevitable, I am going to the only major university in the town that Michael and I grew up in. But I never expected this... the professor walks in and it's someone I know from high school! Granted, he was a senior when I was a freshmen. He was also in band with Michael and I. In a way, it's not so bad. He remembered me and he knows what happened so maybe he would be sympathetic to what I am going through, I'm not expecting it though. But seriously, what are the odds of this happening?

Day Two - just one class on Tuesday. Again, this one started at 2. I got there a little early so I was waiting in the hallway waiting for the class before me to come out. About 5 minutes before the class started I recognized someone I knew, I had to do a double take because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was Michael's first serious girlfriend (if you know what I mean). And she was in my class!!! I about threw up. I was so nervous/uncomfortable that my heart was racing a mile a minute and I started to get shaky. If that wasn't bad enough, the class size was small enough that the teacher wanted us to introduce ourselves! She knows who I am (again, we were in band together), she knows I am Michael's wife, and she HAS to know what happened. Thank goodness she didn't say anything to me. But seriously, what are the odds of this happening?! The class is offered 19 times this semester, and each of the classes are capable of holding 25 students. AND she graduated in 2003 and as far as I know, she has only really been in school, so why is she just taking this class now? I wanted to die. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I can't drop or switch into a different class either. Considering the VA and my scholarship, it's too complicated. And I have to take this class in order to graduate on time. On the bright side, the class only occurs once a week, so I just have to avoid her for the next 15 weeks.

Anyway, that whole situation just brought on a whole can of worms I never thought I would have to deal with. I never had to deal with ex-girlfriends when Michael was alive, so why now?! The only thing I wanted to do yesterday was just talk to him. Tell him what was going on and what I should do and how I should handle it. I needed to hear his reassurance that everything would be ok, but his voice is nothing but too far away. It's just another reality check that he isn't here.

Day Three - I had my statistics for behavioral sciences class today. I walk into the class and I see the crypt keeper at the front of the room! My instructor for this class is, I'm sure, older than dirt!! We come to find out that his formal education background is in engineering. Not math. Not psychology. Nope. Engineering. Sooo why is he teaching a course that is critical for psychology majors? It's beyond me. He seems super easy and nice, but I would much rather learn something from someone who is qualified.

At that point I just wanted to laugh... and then go home, because really? Why does it seem like this whole school thing is the worst case scenario? My sister says that it's God trying to test me. But really? haven't I been tested enough?! God really does have a sense of humor if I do say so myself.

However, in the moment when all I wanted to do was go home, I checked facebook and my gorgeous friend Mandy posted a quote:

‎"The test of an adventure is that when you're in the middle of it, 

you say to yourself, 'Oh, now I’ve got myself into an awful mess; 

I wish I were sitting quietly at home.' 

And the sign that something's wrong with you is

 when you sit quietly at home wishing you 

were out having lots of adventure."

And that's what this all is, a freakin' adventure. And I am tired of sitting at home wishing I were somewhere else.

a thousand thank yous!

The other day, I logged onto blogger and I was dumbfounded when I looked at my follower count, and noticed I have over 100 followers. Never in a million years did I think that I would have this many readers. When I started this blogging journey over a year ago, I started it for only 2 reasons. 1 - to be able to connect with others who are going through the same journey as I am. My biggest hope was that other widows would fall upon my blog and realize that they are not alone. 2 - to be able to openly talk (or write) about what I am going through. Ever since Michael died, I have been a closed book. Reluctant to open up about anything to anyone in fear of showing my true emotions. Writing has been that release for me. In a way, it helps me feel better.

So I wanted to say thank you, to all of my readers. Thank you for wanting to know more about the life and love of my husband, SGT Michael Martins. And thank you for wanting to be on this journey with me.

2011

So 2011 is here. I didn't feel the necessity to blog on New Years. Last year was completely different. I did not want to embrace the new year. I wanted nothing more than to dig my nails into time itself to prevent it from going on. I couldn't stand the idea of going into a new year without Michael by my side.

This time around it was a little different. I so desperately wanted 2010 to be over. 2010 was nothing but a bad year, with the exception of a few events. I was scalp deep, and still am, in my grief. I have learned that the only way to achieve happiness is from within yourself. I have learned to rely on no one or thing to make me happy. My struggle this year is to find the strength, will, and motivation to find happiness.

I have also learned that even though the distance from when I last laid eyes on my breathing, alive husband continues to become greater and greater, I know that the distance from when I will be able to see him again continues to get shorter and shorter. And I am learning to be ok with that. I guess in a way, I am starting to accept what has happened.

 I want more good days than bad days. I don't want to be afraid of life anymore. So I guess my new years resolution is to find some sort of inner peace and happiness. Oh and to lose at least 20 pounds. :)