Wednesday, May 26, 2010


I am currently in Kansas right now. I came here because my brother, Ryan, graduated from high school. I told myself that not matter what, I don't want to miss out of these sorts of things. I would regret it if I didn't come and I don't want to die with any regrets, no matter how small or big they are.

As I was sitting through the graduation ceremony, I was thinking how I graduated 5 years ago. Things were so very different then. I was so excited and nervous to start life after the familiarities of high school and move on to something that was new and not so comfortable. I never expected for my life to go the way it has. I never would have expected to fall in love with Michael again. At the time I was in love with someone else. I never expected that I would be married at 20 years old. I never expected I would move out to California. All the way across the country, away from my entire family. I never expected to transfer schools after I started college at FAU. And I really, never ever ever expected to be widowed at 22.

So many people from my graduating class has already graduated from college. People who have graduated after me, are graduating from college. I still have a year left to complete. And I am only getting my degree in psychology, which is so easy to do! I should have been done by now. So when I see that people I graduated with are now graduating from college, I admit that I feel sorry for myself. I can't help it. I so desperately wish that things were different.

Was our life too good to be true? Was everything happening too perfectly so God felt it necessary to take one of us out? Right after Michael was killed, I deeply questioned if there was even a God. Why would a God that is so kind and loving do this to a person. My faith in God has always been a shaky one. I know more about science, then I do about religion and believing in someone I cannot see. You can do experiments, you can see the reaction between two elements and see the exact thing your text book described. You can look at fossils and ancient artifacts. You can watch mutation and evolution take place by just observing fruit flies. But you can't see Noah's arch. You can't go and visit the tomb where Jesus was laid to rest. You can't watch as someone heals another by just touching them. You just have to believe. And that is so hard to do.

I have had a rocky path to believing in God. I have been told that I am going to hell for not going to church every Sunday. I have been judged. I have prayed and prayed for things to happen, and never got a result. I have had the love of my life taken away from me without any kind of explanation or answers to why. My life turned upside down. But for some reason I believe. I believe now more than ever. During a sermon at church, the pastor was saying when you have a hole, a wound in your very being, your soul, to let God in and he will bring joy to your life, he will mend what has been broken. So I have to listen and obey. I believe that Michael is in heaven. So I am going to do everything that I possibly can to get to him. I strongly believe that we will continue what we started. It isn't over.

I am not sure how this blog transformed from graduations to pass expectations to God and heaven but it did. Oh well.

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