Friday, June 25, 2010

run away

Lately my head has been mush. What's new? I can't seem to sort out my thoughts. And I hate that. I go through these cycles. Numb. Dumb. Angry. Pissed. Annoyed at everything. Sad. Always depressed.

I hate my life. I hate everything. I listed in a previous blog the things I am thankful for. And that's about it. Everything else can go away. And sometimes - I want all of those "silver linings" to go away too! I think my conclusion is - I just want to run away. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. I want to be alone. I don't want to deal with anyone or talk to anyone. I miss Michael sooo much. When he was deployed, I couldn't deal with him being gone for so long. I never thought that it was possible to miss someone so much. I miss him a million times more than that. No. Infinity times more than that. It's ridiculous how much I miss that man.

If I can't have him, I don't want anyone or anything. It doesn't matter anymore. I just want to run away from everyone and everything that isn't Michael.

I feel like I am starting not to make sense anymore. And I don't care. This whole thing doesn't make sense. Michael dying - doesn't make sense. I mean obviously, we all die someday. But him, dying so young, doesn't make sense. How can someone just die? We had agreed to do the whole old, gray and nursing home thing. And now we're not. And that doesn't make sense.

If it wasn't almost 2 am, I would hop in my car and just start driving. I would drive until I didn't know where I was, and I would still continue to drive. I just want to go away.

But I can't. I'm stuck. And that is so frustrating.


  1. Bleh, I feel like I could have written this one babes. We were just talking about this the other night. I was reading deployment emails earlier today (I know, bad idea) and I had said to Jonny in one "It should be illegal to miss someone this much" ... I had no idea how much worse it could get.

    Let's run away to widow island, yeah?

    Lots of hugs, as usual!

  2. Ummm...let's make widow island!!
    I think I have written this blog, and honestly probably feel it every other day. I use to be a patient person, now I just can't handle things, and want to run.
    Lots of hugs and love!!

  3. I agree. I always said that we needed to make a widow town or something. But a widow island would be fabulous! And cute little cabana boys too? No?

  4. Ooooooo cute little cabana boys, heck yes!! Let's all get together and hold auditions!! :)