Lately my head has been mush. What's new? I can't seem to sort out my thoughts. And I hate that. I go through these cycles. Numb. Dumb. Angry. Pissed. Annoyed at everything. Sad. Always depressed.
I hate my life. I hate everything. I listed in a previous blog the things I am thankful for. And that's about it. Everything else can go away. And sometimes - I want all of those "silver linings" to go away too! I think my conclusion is - I just want to run away. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. I want to be alone. I don't want to deal with anyone or talk to anyone. I miss Michael sooo much. When he was deployed, I couldn't deal with him being gone for so long. I never thought that it was possible to miss someone so much. I miss him a million times more than that. No. Infinity times more than that. It's ridiculous how much I miss that man.
If I can't have him, I don't want anyone or anything. It doesn't matter anymore. I just want to run away from everyone and everything that isn't Michael.
I feel like I am starting not to make sense anymore. And I don't care. This whole thing doesn't make sense. Michael dying - doesn't make sense. I mean obviously, we all die someday. But him, dying so young, doesn't make sense. How can someone just die? We had agreed to do the whole old, gray and nursing home thing. And now we're not. And that doesn't make sense.
If it wasn't almost 2 am, I would hop in my car and just start driving. I would drive until I didn't know where I was, and I would still continue to drive. I just want to go away.
But I can't. I'm stuck. And that is so frustrating.