All I believe in by The Magic Numbers

I really love this song. I can't find it to add to my play list.

reality

This cannot be real. This could not have been Michael's fate. He was so young. He had his whole life ahead of him. This could not have happened. I am still in so much shock. I so desperately want this to just be a horrific dream. I don't want to walk this path of life without Michael. He is such an amazing man. How can this be possible?

Michael and I had a big discussion about him getting a motorcycle. I told him how I felt. That it scared me to death and if something were to happen to him, I don't know what I would do. I told him that everyone I know who has ridden a motorcycle has been hurt by them. I told him that he was an adult and I was not going stop him from being happy. Did I seal his fate when I didn't put up a fight? He did everything right though. He took 2 safety courses. He took really good care of his bike. He was always wearing his helmet and gloves. He never went 10 mph over the speed limit. He was as safe as you could be on one of those things. How did this happen?!

Why?

Why aren't there time machines?

Why didn't I tell him to take his car because it looked like it was going to rain that day?

Why did I have to ask him to feed the dogs?

Maybe, just maybe it would have put him 5 minutes ahead of that reckless old man.

Why was that man driving?

Why us? We were good. Our marriage was at its best. We were more in love than ever.

Why does it have to be like this?

I never want Michael to be a distant memory. Just something that I think about from time to time.

Oh God... please just give me peace.

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us.

-Helen Keller

exist

"because sometimes people actually do feel that way. sometimes it feels like your life is caving in on you. sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they just want to crawl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death. saying 'i don't want to exist' isn't saying 'i want to go die' its saying 'i wish that, for the time being, i could go somewhere and not have to feel'. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. and if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does."
-unknown


Thank you. 

fast forward

I feel like I am just waking up. I am starting to come to and I am looking around thinking... how did I get here? It's coming up on 5 months. In 4 more days it will be 5 months. It has been 147 days since November 6th. I think back about my life before, and I think I used to bearly go 2 days without talking to Michael, even while he was in Iraq. If a whole entire day passes, if 25 hours had passed and I had not spoken to Michael, I would get very anxious until he called. I haven't talked to him in almost 5 months. It is absolute craziness to me and I don't know how I have dealt with it as well as I have.

So today, I was just sitting there, and I just feel like I was hit by a rush of reality. I feel like my life has been on a VHS tape and on November 6th someone hit fast forward and here I am. I don't remember how I got here. I can think back and I see myself. But I only see my shell. I don't see me. This is my life now and I so desparately wish, so very badly that I had my life before back.

I want this back. I love you so much Michael. My love for you is ever eternal.

the pain

So I have found a really good description of the pain. It's from New Moon, a second book in the Twilight Saga. I know, I know... Don't get on me about reading those books, I love them. I am rereading them right now to keep my mind occupied, distracted.

"I lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made its appearance. It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielding me nothing. My heart must have beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me."

"And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain -- the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head -- but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it."

This is a pretty good description of my pain, thank you Stephenie Meyer for being able to put it into words for me. There is only one difference though, the pain, for me, radiates throughout my body. Like my blood is on fire. It is absolutely a strange thing that the brain can transform emotional pain into crippling physical pain.

I miss you so much Michael. I would do anything for just an hour, 15 minutes, hell even a minute with you again...

society sucks

Lately I have been feeling angry. I'm not mad at anyone in particular, besides the obvious (the man who killed my husband), but I'm just plain mad. I am mad that I am 23 years old and I am a widow. Not a wife, not a married woman. Society doesn't let me have that title anymore. In legal forms, I HAVE to now put that I am single. Although, in my head, I am clearly not single. I hate that. For the first couple of months, it didn't even occur to me that I was technically, no longer married. I just continued checking the "M" box under martial status. I think it really donned on me that my title has completely changed was when I was closing on my house. I was sitting there about to sign my life away and the lady from the title company looks at my left hand, and then back to me, almost in a panic asking me if I was married. I said yes, but I am a widow. I think she was happier because she did not have to go through and redo all of my paper work than we was sympathetic that I am this young, and a widow.

That word still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Widow. It's a word that makes you think of this picture when you hear it. Not a 23 year old woman. I guess if I can no longer say that I am Sgt Michael Martins wife, then I can live with being Sgt Michael Martins widow. I will carry around that title just as proud as I carried around the prior one.

I know I have said this before, and I am sure I sound like a broken record to some people, but I hate hate hate it when people tell me that I am so young and that I will find love again. That is not what I want to hear!!! I don't know what I want to hear, and I am sure I will never be happy with hearing anything, but I just don't want to hear that. People can be so dumb sometimes. Like the friend of mine, who told me she was cheating on her husband, when I found out that mine was never coming home. Or the countless amount of people who came up to me and told me that Michael was in a better place. Yes, I agree, heaven is a million times better than here, but I have always considered that to be something you say to someone who had just lost their uncle who has battled a horrible disease for a long time. You don't say that to someone who just lost their husband when there was nothing wrong with them. I'm sorry, I am selfish, but I would have picked the better place for Michael to be is with me.

I remember wanting to write something about this subject a month or two after everything happened. I swear I had a list of ridiculous things that people have said. Now, I can only remember those few. And that would be why I am so thankful for my brain shutting down.