Saturday, April 3, 2010


This cannot be real. This could not have been Michael's fate. He was so young. He had his whole life ahead of him. This could not have happened. I am still in so much shock. I so desperately want this to just be a horrific dream. I don't want to walk this path of life without Michael. He is such an amazing man. How can this be possible?

Michael and I had a big discussion about him getting a motorcycle. I told him how I felt. That it scared me to death and if something were to happen to him, I don't know what I would do. I told him that everyone I know who has ridden a motorcycle has been hurt by them. I told him that he was an adult and I was not going stop him from being happy. Did I seal his fate when I didn't put up a fight? He did everything right though. He took 2 safety courses. He took really good care of his bike. He was always wearing his helmet and gloves. He never went 10 mph over the speed limit. He was as safe as you could be on one of those things. How did this happen?!


Why aren't there time machines?

Why didn't I tell him to take his car because it looked like it was going to rain that day?

Why did I have to ask him to feed the dogs?

Maybe, just maybe it would have put him 5 minutes ahead of that reckless old man.

Why was that man driving?

Why us? We were good. Our marriage was at its best. We were more in love than ever.

Why does it have to be like this?

I never want Michael to be a distant memory. Just something that I think about from time to time.

Oh God... please just give me peace.


  1. Allison,

    That question has been in the minds of people from the beginning of time. “What was my part in what happened?” As you said, you went back and did the “what ifs” the morning that Michael was killed. I did the same thing. I had my own list of “what ifs” - those things that I did that if I had done them differently could have changed the course of your life and perhaps Michael’s life too. My list starts years ago and has many twists and turns.

    What I believe is that we all have a destiny “A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control”, I believe it starts the day we are born and moves us ahead in our lives until our time is through where nothing is by chance or random. I’ve often looked at events and thought what if I had taken a right turn instead of a left or taken another way to work or done this instead of that… What would have happened to me then?

    I remember getting into a crowed elevator and looking at the people there and thinking, all through time this moment with these people was destine to happen. Or when I walk down the street and pass a stranger - from the moment both of us were born this time and place of our passing each other was going to happen and perhaps we’ll never meet or see each other again – just that one moment was our individual destinies. The list goes on and on but the thought of how things could have turned out differently only if…. Only if.

    All the things I think I could have done differently; that could have altered the course of your life and spared you from the pain of loosing Michael… After looking at the inverse of this I’m reminded that you are one of the very few people I know that has loved someone else so deeply and completely as you loved Michael. If I had taken a different path, made a left turn instead of a right maybe you would have never experienced that love.

    Allison, we all leave this world eventually, some sooner than others, its our fate, its going to happen. But not all of us experience love, and a very few experience the love that you and Michael have. That was the destiny that you two shared.

    Nevertheless, as futile as it is, I would give anything to have taken a right turn years ago that could change your destiny, bring him back and fix your broken heart.

    I love you Baby Girl.


  2. I know you can't help but ask why. I wish you moments of peace today and everyday :)