Thursday, April 1, 2010

society sucks

Lately I have been feeling angry. I'm not mad at anyone in particular, besides the obvious (the man who killed my husband), but I'm just plain mad. I am mad that I am 23 years old and I am a widow. Not a wife, not a married woman. Society doesn't let me have that title anymore. In legal forms, I HAVE to now put that I am single. Although, in my head, I am clearly not single. I hate that. For the first couple of months, it didn't even occur to me that I was technically, no longer married. I just continued checking the "M" box under martial status. I think it really donned on me that my title has completely changed was when I was closing on my house. I was sitting there about to sign my life away and the lady from the title company looks at my left hand, and then back to me, almost in a panic asking me if I was married. I said yes, but I am a widow. I think she was happier because she did not have to go through and redo all of my paper work than we was sympathetic that I am this young, and a widow.

That word still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Widow. It's a word that makes you think of this picture when you hear it. Not a 23 year old woman. I guess if I can no longer say that I am Sgt Michael Martins wife, then I can live with being Sgt Michael Martins widow. I will carry around that title just as proud as I carried around the prior one.

I know I have said this before, and I am sure I sound like a broken record to some people, but I hate hate hate it when people tell me that I am so young and that I will find love again. That is not what I want to hear!!! I don't know what I want to hear, and I am sure I will never be happy with hearing anything, but I just don't want to hear that. People can be so dumb sometimes. Like the friend of mine, who told me she was cheating on her husband, when I found out that mine was never coming home. Or the countless amount of people who came up to me and told me that Michael was in a better place. Yes, I agree, heaven is a million times better than here, but I have always considered that to be something you say to someone who had just lost their uncle who has battled a horrible disease for a long time. You don't say that to someone who just lost their husband when there was nothing wrong with them. I'm sorry, I am selfish, but I would have picked the better place for Michael to be is with me.

I remember wanting to write something about this subject a month or two after everything happened. I swear I had a list of ridiculous things that people have said. Now, I can only remember those few. And that would be why I am so thankful for my brain shutting down.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there. I just started reading your blog, and sadly we carry the same title. Widow, a horrible, and annoying word. I just wanted to say that I couldn't agree with the post more!! I have heard, and still hear, all of these statements. Some people even said this on the day of Dan's visitation and funeral. A few times it came from his own Mother!! I would rather have someone say nothing at all, than to ever hear some of these words again!! Chin up girlie! This isn't an easy journey to travel, but crazy enough, we'll survive it! Much love and huge hugs to you!!