Since internet here is spotty, I wrote this yesterday. Even though I do plan on writing more later on today, I just wanted to quickly get this up while I still had an internet signal.
Tuesday May 11th, 2010
Fort Myers Beach
It is the day before my three year wedding anniversary to Michael. It is also the first full day I am spending here on the beach. The same beach Michael and I got married on three years ago tomorrow. I am confused as to why I am putting myself through this familiar torture. Why am I putting myself here when I know it will hurt so much? I guess maybe deep down, I know I need to feel this pain. I need time alone to be in my own solitude and sorrow. I need to be able to really feel everything. I want to feel this pain but at the same time, I am so very afraid of it.
I am not too sure of what my plans are for tomorrow. Everyone has told me that I should not be alone. I agree. I shouldn’t be alone. But I will most likely be alone. But that’s fine too. If Michael were still alive, we would be alone tomorrow as well. I’ll probably get up in the morning, go running on the beach, get something to eat, lay out in the sun, go in the water, write in the sand, and maybe even walk down to the same location of where we said our vows and committed our souls to each other in front of the people who meant the most to us. I’ll probably end up going out to eat with our family as well. Which will most likely be bittersweet. It will be painful because I know that Michael is the one who should really be here.
This morning, after I ran a few miles on the beach, I realized that I had forgotten to go to Barns and Nobel before my venture out to the beach. I decided that I would not last long without something to occupy my mind, so after coffee and breakfast, I made a quick trip off of the island to grab a few books. I got three. They should last me the entire time out here and maybe even a little bit into my trip out to Kansas. I got a book about healing, a guilty pleasure, and a book about eternal love. Eat Pray Love, L.A. Candy, and Wuthering Heights. This seems like a good mixture to me. I also got book marks with a monogram “M” on each of them. I wanted to celebrate my, still new, last name. I would say it was a successful trip because I had no idea what I wanted to read.
So right now, I am up in my two bedroom, two bath condo sitting out on my porch, listening to the puny waves washing up onto the shore, taking a break from the intense sun. My wonderful sister-in-law, who has actually grown into more of a sister-type-best friend in the past few months, will be here after she gets off work and she will be spending the night with me. I am so thankful to have at the least one really good friend here close to me. Friends is a subject matter I will write about another time... Nevertheless, I am so happy she will be here soon.
Until next time-
Mrs. Michael Martins